


Silence comes from tragedy (document 1)

by mot_a_muggle



Series: Rose Stiltskin [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Once Upon a Time (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:28:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 112,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27480475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mot_a_muggle/pseuds/mot_a_muggle
Summary: Rose Stiltskin, daughter of Rumplestiltskin, is a wizard who goes to Hogwarts and is best friends with the trio. During her fourth year, tragedy strikes as she is kidnapped by Barty Crouch Jr, who is masquerading as Mad-Eye Moody. This story mostly follows what happens after as she spends their fifth year at Grimmauld Place with Sirius rather than go back to school. Rose has to deal with her inner demons as well as the people around her as she meets Loki, and learns a terrible secret about herself and the true extent of her father's evilness.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Reader, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger /Ron Weasley, Sirius Black/Reader, Tom Hiddleston/Loki/Reader
Series: Rose Stiltskin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2008045
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

Harry, Ron, Hermione and I were sitting on the train to Hogwarts just laughing and talking about the year ahead as we had down the previous year before the dementor attack, and how Hermione and I had done during our second year when Harry and Ron decided not to show up for the journey.

“No, i think that-“ i was in the middle of a sentence when I was interrupted by Draco and his two goons rightly opening the door of the compartment and sneering.

“Didn’t realize this was the losers compartment,” he sneered 

“It wasn’t before you decided to show up.” I sneered back standing up to push him out and close the door. 

“Right. So are you talking about what’s going to happen at school this year?” He asked quickly before I could shut the door.  
I knew that he was just trying to prolong the conversation and make us angry by pretending to know something we didn’t, but I was still a little curious. 

“What d'you mean?” Ron asked. 

“Oh don’t tell me that your father works for the ministry of magic and you haven’t heard of the big thing that’s happening at Hogwarts this year!” Draco cried. 

“Don’t listen to him,” said Hermione. “He's just making things up.” 

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.” 

“What are we 11? What kind of comeback is that?” I scoffed. “Plus, I don't think you’d want the ministry of magic finding out that your father had disclosed confidential information. Do you? so if I  
were you I wouldn’t brag about it.” 

“Whatever. He said but I can tell that I had him. He turned bright red and turned around to walk away.  
I rolled my eyes. 

“That was good,” Hermione said. 

“Thanks. I mean I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true right?” 

“Right, actually my dad mentioned something that he couldn’t tell us,” Ron said. 

A while later, Harry made a joke and I faked a laugh because the others laughed but I felt a little bad about what I’d said to Draco. it was clear that he just wanted to show us that he knew something we didn’t. That boy was starved for attention and I knew why. His father was a grade-A jackass and his friends were idiots. His mother was the only person who was nice to him but that wasn’t really enough. He talked a big game but he really wasn’t all that. 

“Hey guys,” I said standing up. “I have to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” 

They didn’t find anything strange with this so the two boys nodded while Hermione asked “do you want me to come with you?” 

“No, that’s ok. I’ll just be a couple of minutes.” 

I left the compartment in hopes of finding Draco. Luckily, the candy trolley had stopped in front of his compartment so he was blocked from going inside. and conveniently, for the sake of this story, Crabbe and Goyle had gone inside the compartment because they hadn’t lingered behind as Draco had. (leave me alone ok he’s a white greasy smart boy with serious daddy issues of course i’m attracted to him.)

“Hey,” I said, pausing in the context of wanting to buy something from the candy cart. 

“What do you want?” he asked, hostile. 

“Wow. um, actually, I just wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize?” he sounded surprised. 

“Yeah, look, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” 

“Embarrass me? You didn’t embarrass me.” 

“Ok, but I’m still sorry about threatening your dad.” 

“That was a threat? Like my father could ever be scared of anything.” 

“You are not making this easy. Just take the apology.” 

“Fine. it’s fine.” he paused. “Does Harry know you’re here?” 

“Harry doesn’t need to know everything I do.”

“No of course he doesn’t.” After this, it was awkward because he didn’t know what to say either. luckily the candy cart lady interrupted us by saying “Are you two love birds going to buy anything? because if not, you have to move, you’re blocking my way.”  
this time, we both turned bright red. I gave a nervous laugh and said “sorry,” as we both moved out of the way. 

“So I should get back to my compartment,” I said before Draco opened the door to his own. 

“Yeah.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well I guess I'll see you around Hogwarts then,” he said. 

“Yeah, it’s not that big of a school.” but I smiled a little and turned around to go back to my compartment. 

I was just sitting there for the rest of the train. everything that Harry, Ron, and Hermione were saying was honestly going straight over my head. I couldn’t pay attention because of what had just happened.

Last year, our third year, Draco had been a total jackass, he had tried to get Buckbeak killed and Hagrid fired, and the year before that, we had genuinely thought Draco had opened the chamber of secrets. Turns out he hadn’t, but still, the fact that we believed so firmly that we made polyjuice potion, one of the most difficult potions to make, just to spy on him, said a lot.  
Now, though, I wasn't sure how I felt. I mean he wasn’t exactly nice, but still, maybe he had a side that he chose not to show to anyone. He was only human after all. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Hermione asked as we piled out of the train and waited in lines for the carriages pulled by nothing.  
“What do you mean?” I asked 

“Please, you know what I mean.”  
I shook my head innocently. 

“Ever since you came back from the bathroom you’ve been silent.” 

“No, I haven’t.”  
“Yeah ok, you laughed one time, and it gave way really quickly, and that joke was really funny.”

“Ok fine. I ran into someone on my way to the bathroom.” 

“Someone?” she sounded skeptical “you mean Draco Malfoy.” 

“How could you possibly know that?” 

“Please. I saw the way you reacted when he left all embarrassed. what happened? what did he say to you?” 

“Nothing. and lower your voice. it’s not like I want Harry or Ron to hear about it.” 

“Did he say something to hurt you? because I will punch him again.”  
I smiled. “no, I actually, apologized to him.”  
Hermione looked appalled. “You did what!” she asked so loudly that Harry heard. 

“What did you do?” he asked casually. 

“Nothing!” I said quickly before Hermione could say anything. “I just ate too much chocolate and my stomach hurts.”  
“I’ve been there.” Ron interjected. “You’ll be fine in a few hours.” 

“Thanks,” I said quietly. we all piled into a carriage and were soon en route to the castle. I loved seeing the entrance to the castle and the path there, especially in the dark. it was lit up by a path of candles and the light reflected both off the water and refracted into the sky making the most gorgeous constellations.  
About fifteen minutes later we were at the castle. Ron would not shut up about the food that he was expecting at the welcome feast and Hermione would not stop glaring at me and as she was seated right in front of me, it was hard for me to ignore her gaze.  
We got off the carriage and were separated from Harry and Ron in the bustle to get into the dining hall. 

“What were you thinking?” she asked me. 

“I don’t know.” 

“I mean, you apologized to him! So what did you want to happen?” 

“I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking me.”  
She sighed really dramatically. “I thought it was obvious, and I can’t believe you’re making me even ask this because it sounds so ridiculous but- do you like him?”  
I really didn’t want to answer. “I don’t know-no. I don’t think so!”

“Let’s not forget how he’s treated us for the last three years. I punched him in the face last year.” 

“Yes, Hermione. I remember. that was awesome.” 

“Exactly. then what are you doing?” 

“I can’t help it. Listen can we not talk about this right now?” 

“Fine, but you need to help it. And you need to help it real fast.”  
I shook my head and sighed. “You’re right. it’s just, maybe he’s not as bad as we think.” 

“Not as bad as we think? rose. He tried to get Buckbeak killed!” 

“We’re talking about Draco then?” Harry asked, coming up from nowhere behind us. 

“No.” I said as Hermione said “yes” at the same time. I gave her a look of disapproval but she just shrugged. 

“Listen, I know what he said on the train, but we really shouldn’t take him seriously. Plus you pretty much annihilated him anyway.” 

“Yeah. you’re right.” I tried to play it off as if he addressed the correct issue. 

“Off to the feast then?” Ron asked. 

“Can you ever stop talking about the feast?” I asked in disbelief, but I linked my arms around Hermione and we started towards our table. 

The sorting took place as usual, and then professor Dumbledore made his speech as usual. but this time he said something that surprised everyone. 

“This year,” he started. “Hogwarts will be the host of a championship competition. The Triwizard Tournament has not happened in over half a century, but the ministry has deemed that it can continue this year. The two schools which will be Durmstrang and Beauxbatons will arrive in approximately 8 weeks' time, the night before Halloween. I expect you all to be on your best behaviors and accept the guests as your own.”  
I honestly tuned it out right after he mentioned the Triwizard tournament. Draco was right about something big happening at the school this year. I turned back to look at him, and he looked proud of himself for knowing what was coming before Dumbledore even announced it. I half smiled and rolled my eyes at myself.  
Hermione elbowed me and I realized that I was staring at Draco for longer than I realized. I shook my head and turned to start clapping along with anyone else. 

“However, one new rule will be imposed this year.” he said dramatically. “only witches and wizards 17 or older will be allowed to participate.” this unsettled everyone, there was a loud muttering that echoed across the hall. Fred and George actually stood up to boo that. I wasn't planning to participate anyway. It wasn’t really my scene so I didn’t care. Hermione didn’t look that pissed off either but Ron grinned at Harry and said “You reckon we should try to put our names in the goblet of fire anyway?”  
Harry smiled back. “Honestly, I'm ok with not participating in this mate,” he said.  
Finally, Dumbledore concluded the speech and started the feast.  
everything was amazing, and it seemed to go much too quickly as it was time to go back up to our common rooms and prepare for class the next day. as we left the dining room, argus filch came up and stopped me. 

“There's a problem with one of your documents,” he said acidly. He seemed happy. 

“What are you talking about?” I asked. 

“Your father seems he hadn’t signed something he was supposed to, and now you don’t have a place at Hogwarts.” 

“That’s ridiculous.” I scoffed. “my father doesn’t have to sign something every year.” Then I looked at Hermione and asked “Does he?” 

“I think so,” she replied. “I guess I never thought to ask.” 

“But I got my letter of things to buy.” 

“Doesn’t matter. no signature, no spot. I’m going to have to take you to the new professor to get this sorted out.” 

“Hold on. New professor? shouldn’t I be going to my head of house?”

“She’s busy, and he specifically told me to bring you to him.”  
For some reason, this seemed really sketchy to me, but I didn’t really see a way out of this so I told Hermione that hopefully I’d see her later on and let filch lead me to the defense against the dark arts classroom.

It wasn't completely different from last year when my favorite professor to date had taught. Of course, professor lupin had taken the tank of Grindylows with him when he left. Other than that, the new professor hadn’t done any new interior decoration. Except for a large chest set in the corner of a room. But he wasn’t there yet, Filch let me into his office and told me to have a seat. He left muttering “one less student to have to clean up after.” it was clear he didn’t care what happened next. 

I looked around nervously with my hands on my lap. I hadn’t noticed but my suitcase had been brought up to the class as well. Guess I should have expected that Filch would be preparing to kick me out as soon as possible. I got up and walked to the chest. For some reason, that was the one thing that made me really anxious in the whole room. There probably wasn’t even anything wrong with it but the small intricate carvings felt like they were screaming, or at least reaching out to me. I heard footsteps in the hall and didn’t want the first thing he saw was me being interested in a chest so I ran to sit down. The new professor walked in. He was big. Really big, and had a fake eye and scar cutting across his face. I wondered what this man, who looked like a professional wrestler, was doing teaching at Hogwarts, and then I remembered Mr. Weasley mentioning that the new DADA teacher was a friend of Dumbledore and was doing him a favor by coming out of retirement for this one year. 

“Hello,” he said, coming in and sitting down in the seat in front of me. “Sorry to keep you waiting. I’m professor Moody.”   
I smiled and stood up to hold a hand out to shake his, but he didn’t give me his hand back. He just eyed it and walked past me to sit in his own desk chair. “It’s no problem. I’m Rose Stiltskin.” 

"Yes, I know.”   
I mean obviously. I was just trying not to be rude. I turned around and sat down, with a dark feeling but I couldn't see any way to get out of it. 

“So the problem is, actually hold on.” he put up a finger and bent down to get something from his desk. “This document,” he said, laying it down on the table between us. 

“The document that my father didn’t sign,” I said sliding it closer so I could read it. 

“Right, but we can fix this issue,” he said calmly. “All we have to do is send it to your father via owl post and if he has it signed by tomorrow, I'm sure Dumbledore would understand.”   
“Yeah,” I mumbled. but as I was reading the document, something didn’t seem right. The more I read the words, the less they made sense, and the more sleepy I became. I stopped reading the paper and looked up but at that point, I could barely keep my eyes open. He was smiling really widely and I squinted my eyes. 

“What?-“ 

“Yes. the sleepiness, that’s just a side effect,” he said quietly. 

“Side effect?” I asked, fighting to stay awake. 

“Don’t worry about it. Here,” he handed me a pen. “All you have to do is sign this right here and it’ll all be over.” 

“What’ll all be over?” The wave of sleepiness was taking me over, I couldn't even form coherent words anymore. 

“All you have to do is sign this and you’ll see.” he pushed the pen into my hand more aggressively. 

“No I don’t-“I stood up to leave but immediately collapsed back into the chair. 

“Sign, and it’ll stop.” I didn’t have any control over my actions anymore. I took the pen from him. signed the paper and passed out right onto the table. The last thing I could hear Moody say was “Sleep well.”


	2. Chapter 2

Fast forward 10 months... June 1 day of the third task of the Triwizard tournament...

“It’s finally here.” Barty Crouch Jr said with a malevolent look in his eyes.  
I didn’t say anything. it was better to just stay silent and listen to him. Hopefully, he wouldn’t come for me this time, but I didn't have hope. 

“All Harry has to do is touch the cup.” he wasn’t talking to me really, but I’d heard it a million times before. all about his plan. He'd basically told me on the first day.   
“And of course I’m going to help him along the way. and you!” he turned around to me and I flinched.   
“Unfortunately for me, I think this is our last day together.”   
He left and I blinked tears out of my eyes. If he was right, and this was my last day in this stupid chest- but I didn’t even want to think about it. If I did, and somehow Dumbledore didn’t find me, then I would probably die down here. But then, the real Alastor Moody was about two chests down so he’d have to open my layer before he got to the last one.  
There was no way this was going to end well for Barty and I had no idea what he expected to happen. I couldn't sit still, not this time. I heard the gun go off somehow from all the way from the Hogwarts ground. I paced over the little space I had, pulling my fingers. It felt like days, but it was probably just a few hours. I couldn't hear anything else until finally I heard the door slammed open and I could hear two voices, Moody's and Harry’s. Minutes later, the door slammed open again and more people shuffled in. I heard a loud thud and flinched because I really hoped it was Barty being thrown back. 

Then the thing that I’d been hoping for happened. the lid of the chest opened, one by one until mine was the one that was opened. There was a bright light and Dumbledore and McGonagall were looking down on me. 

They both looked appalled. 

Without saying anything, I stared up at them. I couldn't even really believe that they had opened it. I couldn't move. what if this wasn’t real? What if I was imagining it. If I started climbing the ladder, and they disappeared? I wouldn't be able to survive that. Even though I was watching what was happening as I did it, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that the chest was finally opened by someone other than Barty. 

McGonagall started climbing into the chest. I watched as she took each step.

“Rose?” she whispered trying to touch my face but I winced and stepped back.

“Professor McGonagall?” I asked my voice breaking. I still didn’t believe it was real.

“Yes, it’s me.” she swallowed hard. she was trying to hold back tears I could tell, probably for my sake.  
“You can climb out now,” she said quietly. “Please, climb out now.” I stared at her for a few seconds and then wrapped my fingers around the cold metal bar that I had been so careful to avoid. It wasn't as if I hadn't tried to climb it before, but each time, by the time I got to the fourth or fifth, wrung from the top, there would be a massive electric shock and I would fall twenty feet back to the bottom. I'd only attempted it once. 

But this time, as I climbed, my anxiety mounting, I carefully touched the fifth wrung of the metal ladder and nothing happened. 

I closed my eyes in relief and grabbed onto it, finally pulling myself out completely. 

“I think- Moody, the real Moody, is two trunks down.” I managed to say. 

I think Harry started saying something, or maybe it was Dumbledore, but all I was focused on was the Moody who was transforming into himself.   
I couldn't feel myself. it was like I was watching the scene from above. I saw Dumbledore looking angry, and McGonagall looking quite sick. Harry was standing with a limp his leg obviously injured, and Barty had been pushed back into a chair and his wrists were bound to the arms of the chair. 

The second I saw him, I was just filled with blind rage. This hadn’t even happened the whole year I was in there but at that moment- I couldn’t handle the fact that he was sitting there, his face looking normal and healthy. 

“Where’s my wand?” I whispered to Barty with such menace that I low-key scared myself. 

He stayed silent but smirked a little so I jumped on him. 

“You! Son! Of! A! Bitch!” I punched him between every word. I knew everyone was probably staring at me but I couldn’t care. All I wanted to do was hurt every part of him I could reach. 

“Where the hell is my wand?” It took both of the professors to pull me off of him and I had clearly broken his nose and given him two black eyes. I wish I could have attacked him more though. The rage that filled me was taking over my whole body. 

“What is going on?” Harry whimpered and I looked at him completely for the first time, finally registering that he was there and he was alive. I wanted to pull him into a hug but I also didn’t want to have contact with anyone at the moment.

“Harry? you’re alive?” I asked quietly. Tears formed in my eyes as I looked around. “Does that mean- it didn’t work?” 

But Harry shook his head, he couldn’t say anything. 

At that moment Snape walked in holding a small vial. 

“Two drops Severus,” Dumbledore said, menacingly but he was looking at me through his half-moon spectacles. Snape obliged and dropped whatever was in the vial into Barty’s mouth.   
I watched as Dumbledore asked him questions, the answers to which I already knew. I stood waiting and listening. I knew this was all new to everyone else, and I'd already waited ten months. 

“Minerva,” Dumbledore said. There was so much hatred and anger in his voice that it scared me more than Barty all year. I could feel myself calming down. I don’t know why, but Dumbledore's anger was like he was taking it from me. I was glad it wasn’t directed at me and I knew why he was the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. 

“Take Harry to the infirmary. there will be a black dog there, don’t be alarmed by him.” 

McGonagall didn’t even hesitate. “Come on Potter,” she said but Harry sat there without getting up. He was staring at me.

“No, but. I thought you went home,” he said to me. 

I nodded. 

“Not here Harry. we will meet you in the infirmary,” Dumbledore said calmly. Harry looked awful but he got up and left with McGonagall.   
I watched as they walked out the door and then my attention turned back to Barty. 

“Where. Is my wand?” I asked, feeling this was an appropriate time. Barty nodded towards his desk and I ran over to open the drawers. They were locked but Dumbledore waved his wand and it unlocked. I finally had my wand back. Somehow, even though I was out of the chest, holding my wand was what made me feel protected and actually free. 

“I don’t understand,” Dumbledore whispered. “And believe me I don’t say that very often.” 

I pointed my wand at Barty but whatever spell he was under was wearing off. He slid up on the chair and smiled. 

“You may be out of the chest, but I've won,” he said. “I've won because you have a wand to my face and you can’t use it.” 

I don't know what came over me. I had a wand but I dropped it and just lunged at him. His hands were tied to either side of the chair but the smirk on his face wouldn’t go away. This time Dumbledore and Snape let me attack him longer this time before pulling me off again.

“I can’t- he-!” I didn’t know what to say and apparently, neither did they. 

“Rose,” Dumbledore whispered and I knew what he was going to say next. 

“Don’t.” I panted but I didn't take my eyes off Barty. All I wanted to do was attack him again. 

“Don’t?” Snape spoke this time.

“Whatever you’re going to say. Please don’t say it.” 

There was silence for a while before Snape whispered something to Dumbledore but he put a finger up to silence him. 

“I need to go see Harry,” I said. “I thought he was dead. I thought he- was going to die tonight.” 

Dumbledore nodded silently and gestured that I could leave. 

“Severus. Stay with /him./“ Dumbledore said with disgust when he referred to Barty. 

“Professor,” I whispered on our way to the infirmary. “What happened?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Harry, the Triwizard Tournament? He’s all bloody. Did he tell you?”

“Not yet. I didn't want him to say it in front of Barty.”

I nodded and hoped he wouldn’t ask about what happened to me. I didn’t want to talk about it. not to him. Even after ten months, I didn’t understand how he could just accept that I had left without saying anything to anyone?

I thought he was going to say something but luckily we ended up with Harry in the infirmary. Sirius was there in dog form just as Dumbledore had mentioned before.   
Everyone else was there too. McGonagall, Ron, Hermione, and even Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had gotten there already.  
Everyone stared at me as I walked in and I hated it but everyone thought I went home.

Hermione especially had a look of absolute horror on her face. 

“Rose? No, I don't understand?” She whispered. 

“Professor Dumbledore!” Mrs. Weasley exclaimed. “What’s-?” But he put a hand up to stop her. 

“Harry. please tell us what happened tonight.” I listened intently a little confused because I thought Harry was going to die. After all, Barty had assured me that Voldemort would kill Harry after he was resurrected. 

“So he’s back then?” I’m not sure who said it because my ears were ringing. Everyone started talking over each other except me and Harry. I noticed that he looked tired and like he wanted to cry. 

“I think we should leave them to sleep,” Dumbledore said over everyone. 

“No, but, if he’s really back?” I thought it was Mrs. Weasley but I couldn't pay attention to it. I think at some point Sirius turned into himself but I didn’t care that everyone was surprised about it. I spent the majority of the summer last year with him sulking around the house. No matter how much I tried to talk to him, he wouldn’t come out or do anything. And then a month before school, he disappeared and sent me a note saying that he couldn’t be indoors anymore, that he’d flown south, and that he was sorry to leave without telling me. I didn’t take it personally, he had every right to do what he wanted. I had just wished he’d told me to my face. I think he tried to say something to me in the hospital wing but I had just looked straight through him. It didn’t matter, nothing that happened before mattered anymore. 

Dumbledore managed to get everyone out, the wing was actually empty except for me and Harry. Madam Pomfrey gave us a sleeping draft and it was hard to fight it for very long, but the last thing I heard before I fell asleep was Harry asking me what the hell had happened to make our lives completely derailed. 

I didn't want to wake up in the middle, but I couldn’t help it. there was a really loud whispering. it was obvious that people were arguing. I groaned and opened my eyes slowly. Harry had opened one eye too. 

“if they don’t quiet down-“ it was a female voice. I turned a little to see Molly. She was there with Mr. Weasley and Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore. For some reason, Cornelius Fudge was there.

“No, it’s not possible.” Fudge was saying. “He cannot be back, Dumbledore. He just can’t!”

“But he is Cornelius,” Dumbledore said calmly.

“Perhaps if you ask Barty-“

“Oh but we can’t ask Barty can we!” it was McGonagall who exclaimed that. 

“What do you mean?” Dumbledore asked quietly.

“The second he came with his- the dementors, they swooped down and kissed him!”

My stomach dropped at this. I was hoping he would spend the rest of his life in Azkaban. But I guess being kissed by a dementor was probably worse. Still, this argument meant that Fudge didn’t believe Voldemort was back and Barty could confirm it because he was worse than dead. I looked over at Harry who was completely awake at that point and was pretending to be asleep. I could tell he wasn’t asleep because his fists were balled which was exactly how I felt. 

“The mark, it’s dark,” Snape said and I heard a rustling like he was pulling up his sleeve. “Here.You can see it clearly. It was burning brighter a couple of hours ago but you can still see it.”

But Fudge was pretending not to see it at all.

“Ridiculous-“ he muttered. “You Know Who? Back? Slander!”

And he walked out without another word. Harry and I opened our eyes completely and looked at each other.

“What?” He stammered.

“Harry,” Dumbledore said softly. 

“Professor- What happened?”

“A complication, albeit not an unexpected one, still makes the path ahead a little more difficult,” Dumbledore muttered. Then he looked at each of us individually.

“Get some sleep,” he said. “Finish the rest of the potion. it’s only been a couple of hours.” I stared at Dumbledore. How could either Harry or I sleep at that moment? There was too much going on. How could fudge not believe Voldemort was back? What did he think happened to Cedric then? What did he think Barty was there for?   
I looked around though, to see the real Moody who was staring up in shock. He seemed to still not have been weaned off the effects of the imperious curse Barty had used on him completely. 

I knew it wasn’t him.

I knew it. but the second I saw him, my entire body froze up again. 

After a minute I swallowed hard and looked at Harry. Dumbledore had already left the hospital wing.

“He’s right.” I croaked and even though Harry stared at me, I forced the potion cup into his hand and made sure he drank the rest, and then I drank mine too. two days later, I woke up.

I didn’t know where to go. I didn't want to go home. I definitely didn’t want to see my father again. he hadn’t even realized that I hadn’t been sending him letters, for an entire year. He hadn’t realized I hadn’t sent him a present for Christmas or anything else which meant that either he never received them even over the last three years or he just never bothered to care. Besides, even if I did go home, I would spend most of my time alone anyway. 

I shook as I found Harry still sleeping on the bed next to me. 

“Harry!” I whispered and he jumped awake and grabbed his glasses 

“What?” he asked groggily. 

“Harry. It's almost time for the- '' but I was cut off. There was an owl waiting at the window of the infirmary. I walked over to him. He dropped the letter into my hands. It was addressed to me, but it was from Sirius. I remembered that he had said something to me the night he was here but I hadn’t understood or processed any of it. After he had escaped from Azkaban and told Harry who he was, he had escaped with Buckbeak but had nowhere to go. My father was almost never at home and given who he was, I knew no one would look for anyone there, so I told Sirius to stay until he found a more permanent location. We didn’t really spend that much time together as we didn’t really have much in common. plus he was moody and terrified of everything anyway. I knew Azkaban was a terrible place, but I couldn't even imagine twelve years, and I couldn't talk or ask him about it because he would shut down. He couldn’t even leave the house so he spent most of his time in the room that was his that summer. Even though he left a month before I had to go to school and I was low-key relieved because he was being really depressing. Now I felt really bad because I had no idea what he was going through and I judged him for it. 

I stared at the paper guiltily for a moment before remembering that I had to open it. 

Rose,  
Last summer you gave me a home when I really needed one. I’m sorry. I should have been there for you this year, but I will be there for you this summer at least. Dumbledore has set up my old home into a sort of safe place. I can’t disclose the location- literally, I am not the secret keeper, but if you go home after the train ride, Molly said she’d come to pick you up. I hope you do come, not only so that I can repay the favor, but also because Dumbledore says Harry will be coming a few weeks into the holidays. although he did tell me not to tell him, and perhaps you shouldn’t either... that man's mind sure works in a mysterious way. if you would like to come, you can send an answer back on this parchment.

Snuffles 

I smiled after reading the letter. I thought he didn’t like me based on the way he acted all summer last year, but as I couldn’t imagine being home alone for an entire summer, I quickly grabbed a quill from my bedside and wrote “Yes. I would love to come.” on the back of the same parchment and put it back into the owl's mouth.   
I stared as he flew away with the letter in his mouth wondering where this safe place was, and why Dumbledore didn’t want to tell Harry until he went home to the Dursleys first. I'd never met the Dursleys, but with what Harry had said to describe them, they didn’t seem like people I wanted to hang out with. In fact, the more I heard about them, the more I wanted to go and punch them in the face. 

“Ro?” I heard Harry call out still groggily. I turned around shaking my head and saw that he had just sat up and was sliding his glasses on. 

“What-?” 

“I think we’ve been here for a couple of days.” 

“Was that an owl?”

“it was just my dad.” I lied. “Asking if I was coming home tonight.”’

“Are you?” he asked standing up. 

“I’ve said yes for now, but if the Weasleys invite me then you can bet I’m going there.” 

“Why wouldn’t the Weasleys invite you?” Harry said, sounding confident. “I’m sure I’ll be able to go there too. I just need to get over the unfortunate part of going to the Dursley’s first. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked, I didn’t realize what I was going to say before I said it. The words sort of cane tumbling out of my mouth. I kind of wanted to protect him from them, especially after what had happened a couple of days ago. And after what I had been through, I wouldn’t mind punching a couple of bitches out. 

Harry looked as surprised as I felt. 

“I-I’m not really sure how the Dursley's would react to me bringing friends home,” he said skeptically.

I shook my head. “You’re right, I just, I don't know.” 

“Wanted a punching bag?” he asked. I walked over and sat down on the bed even though he had already stood up. 

“Yeah,” I whispered. But honestly, it was more than that. After I thought Harry was going to die for an entire year, I kind of didn't want to leave him alone. 

“Come on,” he said holding out his hand. “We’ve got a feast to get to.” 

I smiled slightly, took his hand to stand up and we walked to the great hall.


	3. Chapter 3

Everyone stared as we walked in and I realized that not only were they staring at Harry, but they were staring at me too since technically I had “gone home.” I was not used to people staring so I shifted uncomfortably until I took a seat. The dining hall was full of students but no one was talking, just a few whispers but they all died down when Dumbledore sat down. Alastor Moody- the real Alastor Moody sat down quietly too, but just like everyone else, he didn’t really seem too interested in the food. I felt bad for him. As much as I had been through, Alastor spent the same amount of time in a comatose state, I wasn't even sure if Barty had been feeding him. and even though I knew it wasn’t him, it still wasn’t easy to look at him. After all, Barty had looked like Moody in the beginning. I looked down at the food which was much more than the cheese sandwiches and occasional soup that I had gotten all year. Luckily Madam Pomfrey had been able to fix my nutrition state in minutes, along with my metabolism, but my mouth somehow had become hypersensitive to any kind of spice so the most I was able to eat was bread pudding. I picked at my food for a few minutes before Dumbledore decided to stand up for his speech. Normally he waited an hour, but seeing as how no one was speaking, I guess Dumbledore wanted to smooth over the silence as he did not keep anyone in suspense any longer. I really hoped he wouldn’t explain what happened to me, and he would just stick to what happened with Voldemort. I closed my eyes tightly because I didn't want to see people’s eyes on me. 

Luckily, Dumbledore didn’t mention me at all. all he talked about was how on the night of the Triwizard Tournament, a brave young man's life had been lost, how Voldemort had been resurrected, and how it was more important now than ever, to keep a united front. He didn’t even mention Barty Crouch Junior, maybe because he didn’t want to give attention to an evil man, because he didn’t want anyone to remember his name. 

As soon as Dumbledore finished, no one clapped like they usually did. But there was more muttering. Even the Gryffindors were staring at me more than usual. No doubt they were trying to figure out how my disappearance was connected to this, and I regretted coming to the feast. I should have just stayed in the hospital wing until it was time to leave. I didn't know what I was thinking. 

“Harry,” I whispered. “I think I’m going to go.-“ 

“If you get up now,” Hermione whispered, “You’re going to bring more attention to yourself. I have a feeling this feast will end in a few more minutes anyway.” 

She was right but I still groaned internally. But then I thought about going to the hospital wing by myself, first, there was the issue of everyone staring at me when I stood up, but the hospital wing was completely empty, even Madam Pomfrey was here at the feast. so I sat quietly hoping for it to end quickly. Turned out Hermione was right. The news of Voldemort's return got the entire hall in jitters because no one could sit still after that. Dumbledore dismissed the feast and everyone got up. I didn't want to go to the Gryffindor common room. Everyone would just surround me and probably ask me questions and I didn't want to think. About the year, about the future, about anything. 

“Hermione.” I said stopping her before she could walk out, “My stuff is in the hospital wing. I’ll- meet you guys outside.” she nodded and left. I blended in with the crowd and quickly took off to the hospital wing before anyone would notice me. 

When I got there, all the beds were empty again, but this time, Madam Pomfrey was there. 

“How are you doing dear?” she asked with concern. 

“I-fine- I think.” 

She shook her head. “You didn’t eat anything.” 

“I did-sort of.” 

She nodded knowingly and cupped my face with her hand. “I replenished the nutrition for the year, but you need to eat,” she advised. 

I nodded, wishing I could just take my stuff and leave but she seemed determined to keep me there at least a few more minutes. 

“One second,” she said walking to a drawer and pulling out a potion. Then she pulled out another potion. When she walked back to me, her hands were full. 

“This one is for if you can’t sleep,” she pointed to a sickly green looking color which was probably the same potion I had taken two nights ago and had fallen asleep immediately to a dreamless sleep. “But don’t take more than a spoonful or two because it’s very powerful, and don’t take it more than once a week, even less often if you can help it.”   
She held up the next pinkish-orange potion. “Vitamins. if you can’t eat anything else, drink this and your body will at least have what it needs.”   
I took each one gratefully and carefully packed them into my bag which McGonagall had rearranged for me with a flick of her wand when she had pulled me out of the chest after it had all been torn apart by Barty.

“Thank you” I whispered and for some reason, tears welled in my eyes. 

“Oh it’s not a problem dear,” she said softly. I really wanted to hug her but I didn’t. I waited quietly not knowing what else to say until she said, “well you better get going if you want to catch the carriage to the train then.” She used her wand to push my luggage outside and I thanked her one more time before meeting up with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and the twins. 

“Hey!” I said, doing my best to control my tears. 

“Hey!” They all said back as we waited for the carriages. 

The ride to the train was quiet. No one said anything. Maybe it was fear of the future, but more likely it was because they didn’t want to say the wrong thing or perhaps accidentally ask a question that I wouldn't want to answer, and I was grateful for the silence. After ten months of having the company of only one other person, loud sounds agitated me. 

The train was loud, which I don't know how I'd forgotten. Not just the chattering but the choo-ing and the sound of the engines. 

“Here’s an empty compartment,” Hermione said and we all clambered into it. I stuffed my suitcase under the seat, hoping the vials of the potion were protected enough to not break in the rattling of the train. 

At first, it was just Harry, Ron, Hermione, and I who had found a compartment as the Weasleys had gone off to find their own friends. 

Harry seemed agitated and even though they all kept looking over at me once in a while, Harry spoke freely about everything he was afraid was going to happen.

“Now that he’s back. Like, completely back.” Harry said. “Do you think we- that is to say our side is prepared enough to handle whatever may come?” he asked.  
We were all quiet.

“I don’t know,” I said. “But, Barty said, that he was looking for something. A weapon. something that is incredibly powerful and is probably the only weapon that can kill him, or at least harm him.   
I don’t know. He seemed to think my father would know about it.” I looked up.

“What?” I asked as they were all just staring at me.

“Nothing. It’s just-“ Hermione whispered. “A weapon? Do you think he could have found it?”

“I doubt it,” I said shrugging. “If he had been sure he would have used it to destroy more than he has so far.”

“But he just came back,” Harry said.

“Which means he’s probably not strong enough to find it”

I gave a sour laugh. “Right. Because he has absolutely no other way of getting something he wants.” I said before I regretted it. I opened my mouth and looked at Harry. He didn’t say anything.   
Luckily at that moment. Fred, George, and Ginny rapped on the glass door. Grateful for the extra company I got up to open it to put an end to the awkward silence. 

“Hey, long time no see,” Fred said with a grin sitting down.  
Harry gave a small laugh and I smiled. 

“What brings you guys here?” Hermione asked.

“We saw Draco and his boys outside and we thought they might come here and figured you guys would need the extra backup. 

“Yeah, well they’re not here yet but you guys are welcome to stay,” Harry said.

Soon after that, Harry and the Weasleys settled down for a game of exploding snaps while Hermione pulled out a book. I sat next to her towards the corner of the compartment. 

“What are you reading?” I asked. 

She closed her book but left her fingers in the middle of the pages. “Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts,” she said. “Figured it might come in handy.” 

I smiled a little. “You’re a genius,” I said quietly. 

This time she closed the book completely. No one was looking at us, 

“Where is this coming from?” she asked with concern. 

“What do you mean? You’re reading up on what’s to come.” 

“Yes, but-“ 

I smiled. “Hermione, come on. you’re so smart. I feel like I should tell you more often.”

Hermione didn’t say anything but she kept looking at me concerned. After a while, she asked, “Where are you staying?” 

“I'm going home at first, but I imagine I'll go wherever you guys are?” I looked over at Ron hopefully completely forgetting the letter from Sirius for a minute. 

Clearly, he had been listening because both he and Ginny said “Of course.” at the same time. 

The exploding snaps game that the Weasleys were playing suddenly exploded which was in the name but still caught me by surprise. 

“I’ll be right back,” I said trying to remain calm to keep a brave face in front of everyone. I didn't want them to feel guilty, but Ginny still looked like she could take back what had just happened. 

“Are you-?” Ginny started but I nodded my head. 

“Yeah, just need some air.” I left the compartment and went to the exit of the train. It was shaking intensely so it hid how much I was shaking. I put my face in my hands for a second and tried to calm my breathing. 

It felt like less than a minute but it was probably more like 15 that had passed and I felt someone standing right in front of me so I looked up. My eyes didn’t focus right away but I still   
recognized the white-blonde hair on Draco Malfoy's head. 

“Are you ok?” he asked unsurely and I nodded. 

“Clearly you’re not.” 

“Then why’d you ask?” I said annoyed. 

He shrugged. “People are always asking each other that. But no one ever answers truthfully.” 

I closed my eyes. “Why are you here?” 

“I was- just walking. and you were here. You really don’t look so good.” 

“Draco-“ 

He was standing on the other side but he came over and awkwardly put one arm over my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” 

I looked up at the hand over my shoulder and he quickly pulled it away.

“What are you sorry for?” I asked wishing he hadn’t pulled it off. I wasn’t going to say that though. 

“I noticed you were missing. On the first day of class.”

“You noticed I was missing?” I was unsure of what to say. 

He turned bright red. “I- because you and Potter are the most annoying ones in the class.” he stuttered. “How could I not realize that the annoying know it all voice wasn’t there.” 

I pretended to look offended but I didn't really care. 

“Anyway, the first day you didn’t show up, I didn’t think I could ask but then I asked Harry, not obviously of course. More like ‘where’s the annoying fourth member of your extra special group?’ 

But he didn’t know. He seemed to think you had gone home.” 

I had wondered a lot while I was in the chest where people thought I had gone. Barty had told me that the paper I had signed was sent to Dumbledore saying that I was going home because my father had an emergency. Even if Dumbledore didn’t believe it, it’s not like he could go to my house and check. 

I nodded a little. “In the beginning, I signed a paper. Against my will-sort of. Telling Dumbledore that I had gone home.”

He nodded. I knew he didn’t know exactly what had happened but I feel like everyone had their own guesses. I didn’t know what they could have been though, especially since I didn't think Dumbledore had advertised that professor Moody that was around them all year, wasn’t even the real Moody. I was sure the news must have gotten around though. There’s no way it hadn’t. 

People had found out about the sorcerer's stone incident hours after it had happened, same with the chamber, and the basilisk. Even though Dumbledore hadn’t straight up told anyone about Barty being moody, I was sure that the news had spread somehow, since Fudge had made sure that Barty had been kissed by a dementor and during the end of year feast, Moody was completely out of it. 

Draco stared intently, and I wasn't sure if he was interested because he was concerned or interested. 

I didn’t feel like explaining anything else but knowing that Draco cared that I was missing made me feel something. I wasn’t touched exactly, it was more like, disbelief. I remembered what he had said during the quidditch world cup though, about how if his father had been one of the masked marchers, he wouldn’t be too keen to tell us, and everything I was feeling about maybe him not being terrible fell away. We had figured his father was a Death Eater, and Harry had confirmed it after that night. Voldemort had called Lucius Malfoy out by name. 

“Everything that you went through,” he said. “I’m sorry.” 

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Everything that I went through?” I asked quietly, wishing he would stop.   
His ears reddened again. 

“I- just- I’m not sure, but my father.” 

“Draco. Stop.” I stopped him whispering dangerously. For the first time, I realized that his father probably knew that Alastor was Barty. At first, I didn't think Draco had any reason to suspect it, so there was no reason for me to be mad at him, not rationally, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to pull out my wand and jab him in the eye with it, but I didn't. I took a deep breath to steady myself

“Did you know?” I asked as Draco turned to walk away. 

“Know? What was happening to you? Know that Moody wasn’t Moody?” 

I nodded crossing my arms prompting him for an answer. 

“No,” he whispered. “I had no idea what they were planning- but I think- I’m afraid that my father might have known. whether or not he knew what Barty was doing... I don’t know. but /I/ didn’t know. you have to believe me. if I did I would have told Dumbledore. I know you and your friends think I’m a jackass, but-“ 

I nodded, stopping him. “I believe you,” I said finally after swallowing painfully. It wasn’t going to do me any good to hate one more person, but I turned around to stare out the door and Draco took it as a cue to leave. It wasn’t his fault, but my anger was placed at everyone. I hadn't let it set in before but now, I had only been out for four days and two of them had been asleep, so I hadn’t been able to process everything yet. But now, I realized how irresponsible Dumbledore was. He'd gotten a letter from me and that was the end? he hadn’t even questioned how I’d gotten home? and what about every day for the entire year? Barty was insane. I'd seen it every single night. There’s no way no one noticed. I balled my fists and stared out the moving train window longer wondering what it would just be like to fall out. I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore. Deal with the memories, the pain. Everyone’s opinions, everyone’s talk. 

Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to bushy hair. 

“Hermione!” I jumped back in surprise. 

“Were you expecting someone else?”

“What? no. I just- wasn’t expecting you either.” 

“You’ve been gone for almost half an hour,” she said. 

“No. Half an hour? It felt like a couple of minutes.” 

“We were all concerned. Was it the exploding snaps?” 

“Not really.” I lied. “Just, I needed some air.” Hermione didn’t know what happened in the chest. No one did except me. And Barty who was now a shell. But she, along with everyone in the hospital wing that night was the only people who knew that I had even been in one for sure. 

“Do you want to come back? I think we’ll be at Kings Cross Station soon.”

I nodded and walked back with her to the compartment. Everyone looked up and stared as I sat down but I just smiled back. I wasn’t sure if my eyes conveyed what the smile was meant to say. 

Exploding snaps had been put away and they were all playing chess in teams. I knew this was concerned staring, not curious staring but I still wished they would stop.   
I decided to join Harry and Ron because they were outnumbered by Ginny on Fred and George's team, and as good as Ron was at playing chess, his older brothers were better. I could have sat silently, staring out the window the rest of the trip, but for some reason, I felt like I couldn't do that. I felt like if I did if I let Barty steal even one more minute of my life, he would win for real. One by one, though, we dropped out of the race. There were too many conflicting opinions and in the end, it ended up being Ron against Fred as the rest of us watched intently and whispered suggestions. I felt Hermione looking up for her book every few minutes at me, probably to make sure I was ok. Which I was. For a little while, I was ok. I wasn't thinking about anything but the chess match. after Fred had beat Ron. I played against George. He beat me easily too. The Weasleys were better at chess than I was, but I couldn't bring myself to fully concentrate on the game, no matter how much I tried. I laughed slightly, to convey the friendly nature of the game as I passed the chess pieces off to Harry so he could play against Ginny and the winners could play against themselves. As Harry and Ginny played, I scooted next to Hermione. She didn’t say anything, just offered me a book from her bag. 

“Thanks,” I said taking it and opening it to a random page. I pretended to pay attention to the book, but in reality, all I could feel was the dread sitting in at the fact that I would have to go home just to be alone. It was weird, I didn't want to be around people because everyone either stared at me because they were wondering, or they knew me and were staring because they were concerned. but I didn’t want to be alone either and I didn’t know which was worse. 

Much too quickly, the train ride came to an end. I handed Hermione her book back and we all grabbed our luggage and headed out. Each step that we took to the train's exit, made my stomach drop a little farther. I thought I might actually throw up by the time we were completely off. I wrapped my fingers over the handle of the suitcase, and I wanted to throw it. There was a buzzing sound in my ear as I held it in my fingers, but I couldn’t spiral out now. I had to get off the train. I could feel the freeze-up coming. I was about to relive a moment of the chest, but I couldn't. I quickly let go of the suitcase and took a deep breath. My fingers were shaking but the extra oxygen helped a little because they calmed down. 

“Do you need help?” Fred asked quietly, so no one else could hear, but I shook my head.

“Thanks.”

It took a few minutes to get off because of all the students, but Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were there, along with Hermione's parents and my dad. Rumplestiltskin. 

I didn't want to talk to him. In fact, the second I saw him, anger surged through my body and I clenched my fists around the handle. I didn’t think anyone would notice though. I bit the inside of my cheek hard, to keep from saying anything in front of everyone. I didn't want to make a scene. All I wanted to do was keep walking past him, even if I couldn't go to live with Sirius right away, I didn't want to go home with him. What if I just kept walking? What would happen? Where would I go? it would be embarrassing though if someone called out after me. I curbed the impulse and walked towards my father instead, but i couldn’t help thinking that if Molly knew where Sirius was living, why couldn’t I just go there now?   
I unwillingly walked towards my father who was standing amongst the crowd of parents. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley watched as I walked to them first. 

“Hi,” I said unenthusiastically. 

“How are you darling?” Mrs. Weasley asked. I gave her a weak smile. 

“I’m ok. I’ll uh. see you guys later then?” I asked hopefully? She smiled warmly   
“Yes.” she didn’t say anything else so I couldn’t ask why I couldn’t just go with her now, but I looked at my father whom I’d been avoiding. His big brown eyes were sadder than ever, he looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. 

“Dad,” I said softly, closing my eyes.

“Rose. are you ready to go home?” “That was it. not even “How are you.” I knew he wouldn’t apologize. He wouldn’t think he had done anything wrong. I used to write to him at least once a month. He went ten months without realizing I hadn't written to him even once. Either it was a series of unfortunate events for me, or Barty was just incredibly lucky. Everything fell into place for him. 10 months is not that long of a time. Unless you’re stuck in a chest. which I was, but for my father who had been alive for hundreds of years wouldn’t find 10 months as a particularly significant period of time.   
Maybe I could just avoid him for a few days until I went to Sirius’s place. And hopefully, he wouldn’t be home. It’s not like he was home much even when I was younger.   
“not particularly but I guess we should.” I hugged Hermione and Ginny and the boys, said goodbye to all the adults, and we all went our separate ways.   
I was silent on the car ride home. staring out the window with it rolled down. The fresh air felt nice. The fresh air I hadn’t gotten in almost a year. My dad didn’t try to talk to me and I was grateful for that. I didn't know if I could handle my dad asking what had happened. explaining it to Dumbledore had been one thing, but this was supposed to be the one person who was supposed to take care of me and he failed to do that.


	4. Chapter 4

surrounding the bed, sort of like a canopy, the window looking out into the beautiful view that was the town. my wardrobe with all of my clothes and my desk with all the pieces of paper with random thoughts written on them. I pushed some of the pieces of paper around to see if there was anything interesting, but most of them were just dreams and story ideas. I crumpled most of them and threw them into the wastebasket next to the desk. none of it mattered anymore. Then I yanked the curtain that was around my bed harshly, grunting with the effort.   
As the curtain fell onto the red carpet, I noticed that it had been cleaned once after I'd left but not once in ten months because a layer of dust lay in the wool. I plopped on my bed and looked around my room. the luggage was just sitting there exactly where I had left it, across the room as if it was mocking me. the luggage had been in the chest with me, and yet it was still intact. that one thought made me freeze.   
Suddenly, my breath went soft, I could feel the blood pumping in my ears. I couldn’t even control myself when I picked up the luggage and threw it across the room, ran over, and jumped on it.   
Apparently, my noise had attracted my father because he came running and threw the door open. There I was breathing hard and standing above a fully destroyed suitcase.   
“go away,'' I said softly, breathing hard. I felt like my eyes looked insane, like a rabid animal. but my father shook his head.   
“I won’t leave you.”   
I gave a mirthless chuckle. “BUT YOU ALREADY DID!” I yelled. “YOU LEFT ME FOR TEN MONTHS!”  
he looked at me sadly. “I know you want to blame me-“   
I threw my hands up in exasperation. I knew he wouldn’t accept his part of the blame.   
“I don’t want to.” I interrupted . “do you think this is easy for me? the only reason I’m here is because-“I stopped myself. I didn’t want to reveal the information about Sirius’s secret house and how someone would have to pick me up from here to take me. “is because the Weasleys house isn’t ready for me yet.” I finished. “I’d honestly be ok if I never saw you again.” I honestly don’t know what made me say that. but I didn’t yell it, I felt perfectly calm which is how I knew that I meant it.   
“you don’t mean that!” he said quietly to match my tone.   
“I do,” I said. “As soon as Mrs. Weasley comes here I'm staying with them for the rest of the summer. I’ll go to school from there.”   
“I’m sorry,” he whispered but he left me alone.   
I sat quietly on my bed staring at the ceiling until I eventually fell asleep without even realizing it and that’s when the nightmare started.   
I was on my way to Hogwarts on the train when a voice filled the train, a familiar voice, but it was warped. I couldn’t make out exactly what it was saying until the end when it said “no matter what you do, you will always wake up here.” and suddenly, the compartment walls closed in, getting smaller and smaller until I was in the chest again. I couldn't breathe. I started screaming, hitting the sides of the walls, but no one could hear me.again. it was pitch black until the light of one single candle lit up behind me highlighting the silhouetted face of Barty Crouch Junior and I jolted awake covered in sweat. my hands were trembling as I forced my feet to get up and turn the light on. I looked around my room, making sure that I was in my room and not the chest.   
Either I hadn’t been screaming in my sleep or my father couldn’t hear because no one came in to disturb me. I was glad to be left alone, but at the same time, I wish someone had come in.   
obviously, I couldn’t go back to bed, even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. it was maybe 3 am, so I picked up a quill and a piece of parchment, but I didn’t know who to write to. I’d just seen my friends yesterday so it’s not like they needed an update.   
I put my head in my hands and then just started writing. 

Sirius,  
I know it’s only been a day, but I can’t wait to come to where you are. This house, it’s always been too big, but now, it feels empty. When I was a child, I used to run about the grounds. My father would never let me go beyond the grounds because of all of his enemies lurking. I honestly never believed him- until now. He hasn’t talked to me since yesterday. I don’t know if it’s because he feels guilty, or because he can’t deal with me. I will admit that I’m glad he has left me alone. I know I shouldn’t be mad at him, but I am. For ten months, he didn’t notice that I hadn’t sent him a single letter. And even though I know ten months is probably insignificant for him, it wasn’t for me.  
Anyway, I’m sorry to be so depressing, I just wish I didn’t have to wait uncertainly for Mrs.Weasley. Although I do understand that you would be busy especially if the place is new. Do you have any idea what Dumbledore is planning? With Voldemort being back, we must all act with extra precaution. 

Rose.

I read over the letter a few times before I realized that I couldn’t send it. The word ‘I’ had been used too many times. plus, it seemed childish to complain so abstractly. Plus, it wasn't like he didn't know the information about Voldemort already. somehow, after reading the letter, my eyes started drooping. I knew that I had to go to sleep now or I'd be groggy throughout the day. the day. I groaned. I didn’t have anything to do, I had no friends here, I had no way of escaping the grounds. I didn't even know where I would go if I could. Without turning off the light, I decided to go to bed. I spent the next four hours turning around in a half-sleep before I realized that I wouldn't get to sleep again even if I was sleepy. i got up and got dressed and went downstairs. my father wasn’t there, but a new lady was.   
“Hello?” I asked her. She wasn’t wearing a maids uniform but she was holding a duster.   
“oh hi,” she said turning around. “You must be rose. I'm Belle.” 

she reached her hand out to shake mine and I took it reluctantly.   
“did my father- is he here?” I asked not knowing what else to ask her.   
“he just went out, for a few hours. he told me to tell you that breakfast and lunch are ready. he expects that you won’t be needing dinner.”   
I tilted my head. “I won’t be needing dinner?”   
she shrugged.   
“so, who are you?”   
“I’m- the new housekeeper.”   
“you don’t look like a housekeeper,” I said backing off a little. I think she was offended but I didn’t really care.   
“well I was a princess-“   
now my bells were going off. “and what’s a princess doing here as my father's housekeeper?” I asked my hand reaching towards my wand in my pocket.   
“my kingdom was in danger,” she said eyeing my hand. “your father said he could save it if I came with him.”  
“and you just- came with him?”   
“I didn’t have a choice. my people, they would have died.”   
I finally relaxed my hand and stared at her. “you gave up your entire life for your people?” I asked surprised.  
“I’m a princess. it’s what we do.”   
“But, if you weren’t stuck here. what would you have done?”   
“I would have liked to travel.” she turned away and started setting the table. I walked over and took a plate from her and helped her. “but it is too late now. i will only be traveling the world through my books.”   
“you’re too young to be stuck here,” I whispered, unwillingly, tears formed in my eyes.   
“I’m older than I look you know.” she set down the plates and food and walked over to me.   
“I’m sorry,” she said.  
“you’re sorry?” I asked. “why?”   
“about the last year. I’m sorry for what you went through.”   
I shook my head and wiped away the tears. “there are a lot of people who should be sorry,” I said. “but you’re not one of them.”   
she sat with me and we ate in silence.   
“did you make this?” I asked,  
she nodded. “why is it terrible?”   
“no! it’s really quite good”  
she smiled. “thank you. I’m not really used to cooking, but I really learned recently.”  
“so, how long have you been here?”   
“ 3 months, 11 days,” she said quietly.   
“you could run away you know,” I said quietly too.   
“I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about it,” she smiled a little.   
“you could come with me. we could run away. I’ve always wanted to explore the worlds.”   
“Maybe we could run away.” she smiled. “we don’t tell your father...”   
“I have more money than we could possibly use.” I smiled back. I wanted to go to Sirius's place but they all knew there. they would just watch me concerned as Hermione had done on the train. with belle, we could go anywhere and no one would know who I was.   
“where would we go first?” I asked her because she said she loved to read.   
she thought for a moment. “there’s a beautiful forest that I read about.” she mused. “the leaves are so green and the water so clear that it is said to have magical properties for all who drink its water or eat the fruit from a tree.”   
“magical? do you think it could make me- someone? forget?”   
“I don’t know. you sound like you actually want to go though.”   
I sighed. “of course I want to. but I don’t know. it’s a difficult time. my friend- he just went through a traumatic event-“   
“So did you.” she reminded me.  
“yes, but- now, a great evil is back in London.”  
“Voldemort?” she asked. I looked surprised.   
“how do you know-?”  
“books.”  
“of course.” by this time, we had finished our breakfast and were just talking. I found that she was fun to talk to. we had pretty similar interests.   
I hadn’t even realized that almost an hour had passed as we were just sitting around.  
“But we can’t run away.” she ends, tilting her head looking at me knowingly.   
I sighed. “I know. there’s danger coming up and I can’t leave my friends.”   
she smiled a little, “you know, I don’t know your father that well, but I can see you don’t get your strength and loyalty from him.”   
“Are you calling my father weak?” I asked feigning surprise.   
she turned red, “no, of course not, I just meant-“   
“no, it’s ok. I actually agree. I know my father is a lot of things but he’s not- strong,” I got quiet and she placed her hand on my arm.   
I pulled away and stood up to take my plates to the kitchen.   
“no, leave it. I’ll take care of it,” she said but I shook my head. I wasn’t going to have her clean up after me. besides, I wanted an excuse to leave and go up to my room anyway. but as soon as I was alone again, it was exhausting being alone. I actually debated going back downstairs to talk to belle again, but as much as I enjoyed talking to her, she was too empathetic for someone who didn’t really know- then it struck me. technically she was a prisoner too, except she had no chance of escape.   
I scrunched my eyes feeling bad and went back downstairs.  
“where’s my dad?” I asked.  
“I don’t know, he didn’t tell me, but he always disappears during the day.” she was cleaning the table.   
“When does he come back?”  
she shrugged. “I told you, he left lunch for you and left.”  
“Yeah, you said that he said that I won’t need dinner...” 

she shrugged again. “he doesn’t really tell me things.”   
“belle. I need to talk to my father,” I said seriously.   
she stopped cleaning and looked at me. “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”   
I groaned. I knew there was no point in looking for him either, I had no idea where he could have gone, especially if he was on a “business trip.”   
“I have to go,” I said suddenly. I could go into my father’s office and probably steal one of his potions or wands. but the stuff in there was too powerful. if there was one thing he’d beat into my head over and over again, it was that all magic came with a price. I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to pay anymore. taking the stuff would have been nice, maybe even freeing for a few moments, but then my father would find out about it and that would basically be the end of any dream I had of getting out of here. I would be grounded forever. especially since he had specifically forbidden me multiple times that I wasn’t to touch any of his magical objects.   
I paced my room thinking of what to do to kill a few more /days/, I spent most of it wondering what was happening after lunch, especially knowing my father was capable of either killing me or maybe shipping me off somewhere for the rest of the summer.   
I plopped back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. slowly my eyes started to close and even though I fought it for a few minutes, I couldn’t for long and succumbed to sleep.   
I don’t know how long it had been but I awoke with a small scream when there was a bang downstairs. I ran downstairs pulling out my wand to see two people in the living room whom I wasn’t expecting for a few days. I probably should have combed my hair first, but the sound got me by surprise. I tried to smooth it down. but it did not work   
“Mrs. and Mr. Weasley!” I exclaimed. “I wasn’t expecting you for a few days!”  
“your father wrote to us yesterday and asked to come to get you as soon as possible.” Mrs. Weasley beamed, but the smile fell off my face.   
of course, my father was trying to get rid of me. the thought of spending a few days with me was unbearable. that’s probably why he left this morning too, so he wouldn’t have to see me. even though I had wanted to go, I couldn’t believe that in this situation, it was him in control. again. I clenched my fists and looked at belle. it was almost as if she could read my thought because she said “no! rose. your father knew you would want to see your friends. that’s why not because he wanted to get rid of you!”   
“yes!” Mrs. Weasley looked sheepish. “your father in the note specifically mentioned it was because he wanted you to be happy.”   
I didn’t know what to say.  
“I don’t have anything packed.” I said finally. “plus, I kind of destroyed my suitcase.”  
“oh don’t worry dear.” Mrs. Weasley said nicely. “we’ll take if it.” and she and her husband took off up the stairs. I didn’t know how to tell her that I didn’t want that suitcase, or to ask her if she could change it.   
I looked at belle. even though I’d only known her for a few hours I suddenly felt an overwhelming surge of affection towards her. consequently, a surge of anger towards my father followed. while I was missing, no word for months, he’d gone out and basically kidnapped a girl from a different realm and brought her here. to serve him. I wished he was here, but if he was, I probably would have ripped the hair of his head in bunches.  
“belle. I can’t leave you,” I said feeling like I should do something, anything, to get her out of this situation, but even as I said it, I knew there was nothing I could do. I’d grown up with my dad's infamous “price of magic.” and I didn’t even know if he could undo what he did by bringing her here.   
she put her hands on my shoulders. “I came here on my own,” she said. “I get it, but I’m not your responsibility. your only responsibility is you. I survived for three months here before you. and I’ll survive after. please, don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. and you will too.” she hugged me and pulled me away just as Mr. and Mrs. Weasley came down the stairs with my suitcase.   
“so how do we get there? also, where is there?” I asked suddenly curious. the pain of leaving her had fallen away a little. she was right, she could take care of herself. even though I didn’t feel right about leaving, I really wanted to see my friends again. I considered asking her to come with me, but the same problem stopped me, I was sure her presence would be tied to the house somehow, or maybe to Rumplestiltskin himself. I didn’t even know if I could break the bond, but I would do research and try to figure it out. or, maybe if my father died, she could get out of this.  
that thought silenced everything else. killing him would be incredibly satisfying to me, but that was terrible. I couldn’t kill him. but that didn’t stop me from hoping someone else would. not for my sake, I convinced myself. for Belle's.   
“well, technically we cannot speak the address of the place.” Mr. Weasley said and I looked at him curiously, the foul thought of my father, dead somewhere had distracted me from what was going on.   
“here.” he said pulling out a picture. “when you get in the fireplace, keep this image in mind and throw the floo powder down and you should get there.”  
“that’s cool.” i mused. while staring at the suitcase that i had destroyed and they had restored.   
“i know that i haven’t known you for very long, but you remind me of my best friend.” i said to belle. “she too, is smart and strong and selfless.”   
Belle smiled and ushered me to go on. “i would love to meet your friends someday.” she said as i got into the fireplace with a large handful of floo powder. i closed my eyes and visualized the picture and threw the floo powder down. a few dizzying seconds later, i emerged from another fireplace. i got out and looked around. it looked like a mansion, older than my father's. there was a wall of faces but most of them were blacked out.   
i pulled the suitcase out of the fireplace because Mr and Mrs Weasley would be coming any second. i heard the door open and someone stepped in.   
“Sirius!” I yelled before even giving him a second to process and jumped on him to give him a light hug. i didn’t know him very well, but as i had spent more time with him last summer than perhaps even Harry had, i felt like this was appropriate. besides, and this was something no one knew other than him, me, and lupin, but i was the first person to realize he was innocent.


	5. Part 5 (the flashback)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Flashback to when Rose met Sirius)

The night Sirius had broken into the Gryffindor common room, I had been half asleep downstairs at a table because I had been attempting to my homework, but I kept drowsing off. I didn’t realize it when he had entered because my head was on my homework and I was not paying attention to anything. I did hear a ruffling noise, which woke me up, I just figured someone was rummaging through a trunk upstairs. It wasn’t until Ron screamed and a large figure went bolting downstairs and out the portrait hole that I even realized something was wrong. It had taken me a split second to stare after the bounding figure before, without a single thought, and even worse, without my wand, I started following him. He didn’t see me, not until we got to the one-eyed witch. But it wasn’t Sirius that I was following. It was a big black dog. I almost couldn’t keep up, he was really fast. But I couldn’t lose him so I sucked it up and ran. He still didn’t see me when he transformed into himself and used his wand to rap the statue. I had gasped loudly, and he looked around wildly and frantically but I clenched my hands over my mouth and stood back. Finally, Sirius seemed to think it was nothing and had left. The whole thing was incredibly confusing to me. I forgot that I didn’t have my wand or invisibility cloak as I was walking back to the common room, and I wasn’t paying attention much to hiding as I was in shock by what I had seen. I had run straight into snape who was absolutely livid. He took 15 points off of Gryffindor and yelled at me for sauntering the corridor while a mass murderer was on the loose.

Actually, his exact words were “what were thinking Stiltskin? you wanted to catch him singlehanded I bet? Take all the glory for yourself? The amount of arrogance that you showed tonight, only seconded by one other student who would have done the same thing. I’m surprised Potter isn’t with you.” he had said it with disgust and in a snarl and I hated being yelled at, but I couldn’t even feel the full weight of the situation. I wasn’t supposed to be out of bed anyway as it was 3 am and way past curfew. 

For a split second, I debated telling snape about Sirius, but if I was going to tell anyone, it wouldn’t be Snape. besides, Harry wasn’t dead. And that one thought had stuck me deeply. As snape escorted me to McGonagall, the only thing that kept repeating in my head was “Harry isn’t dead. Sirius was up there for at least 15 minutes but Harry isn’t dead.” 

McGonagall had been furious, possibly more so than snape. She took fifty more points off of Gryffindor.

“But professor!” I had pleaded, “Professor snape already took 15-!”

“Don’t make me make it 100 Stiltskin.” she had growled warningly and I shut up.

“What were you thinking! Never- in my entire life! A student so irresponsible and reckless- following a man such as Sirius Black!-“ She yelled at me for minutes while I stared at my shoes trying not to cry. She was right, what I had done was incredibly stupid and reckless, dangerous and arrogant, but even as she was yelling at me, I felt like one fact was growing clearer for sure. Sirius Black was not after Harry. 

After she had basically grounded me for two weeks by saying that I was not allowed anywhere except classes, the dining hall, and back to the common room, she escorted me to the dining hall where the other Gryffindors were sleeping, Hermione refused to talk to me for a while, while Ron and Harry asked me to describe what I had seen. 

“Harry,” I whispered moving in closer. “The map? the one Fred and George gave you, do you still have it?”  
He nodded. “Not right now, but I have it.” 

“The one-eyed witch passage, that you used to get into Hogsmeade. You said Fred and George told you no one else knows about it?” Harry nodded again but this time, asked. “Why?” I wasn’t sure whether to tell them or not. on one hand, I was sure I was right, but on the other, if I told Harry I even suspected that Sirius might not be after him, Harry would wonder what Sirius was after and maybe try to find him. And if there was even a small chance I was wrong- I had made up my mind in that instant. I would keep my mouth shut until I figured out what was going on.

As the weeks went on, I asked Harry more and more often to borrow the map. He did mention that he had seen a small dot with the label Peter Pettigrew, but from what we had heard in the three broomsticks, Peter Pettigrew was dead. Murdered in fact, by Sirius black. it didn’t make sense. I kept a lookout though because after looking it up in the animagus registry and realizing Sirius Black wasn’t on there, I couldn’t rule out the possibility that maybe, just maybe Peter Pettigrew could be one too. Maybe he was in hiding. it would explain why Sirius was going through Harry’s things, and why Peter was on the map. But if Peter was there- that just brought up so many more questions.

I kept my mouth shut for weeks, mostly trying to protect Harry, but finally, something happened.  
During the quidditch match, Gryffindor was playing against Ravenclaw and I had joined Ron, Hermione, and Neville in the bleachers to cheer Gryffindor on when I noticed a large black dog standing on The corner of the grounds. The same large black dog that Sirius had looked like.   
At that time, I had my wand, even though I was unprepared. I told Hermione that I had to go to the bathroom and that I would be right back and pushed my way through the stand and to where the dog was. I held out my wand and from behind, had whispered. “Hi, Sirius.”   
The dog had jumped so high and started running at top speed. In the split second it took me to decide to follow him, he had run out into the grounds to where the Whomping Willow was.

“No, please wait.” I had yelled wildly into the empty grounds, but he was gone. I sighed and turned to walk away when I heard a huge thud. One of the branches of the whomping willow missed me by centimeters. I stared at the place where the branch had hit and it didn’t even register to move, to run away, to do anything. I just stood frozen in the spot staring at the next branch that was heading straight for me. I put my hands over my face instinctively but didn’t have the sense to move which was unlike me, but a big figure bounded towards me and pushed me out of the way. Or rather, it pulled me into something. Something like a tunnel. I had fallen back and was breathing hard, staring at the dog that had pulled me away from the branch.

“Sirius.” I breathed and fumbled around for my wand which I dropped when he had pulled me in.

The dog turned into the man who was Sirius black. then, he had sunken yellow eyes and long matted black hair. His face was unshaven and he was skinny. Much too skinny to have had time strength to pull me as he did. He didn’t say anything at first but kept staring at me. He didn’t even have his wand pulled out, but I had found mine and was pointing it into the air at him.

“You saved me,” I whispered standing up but still backing away a little. I looked around and it sort of looked like we were in the trunk of the tree. 

“Why?” I asked.

He still didn’t say anything.

“You weren’t after Harry at all that night?” I asked and this time, he tilted his head.

“That night?” he growled, his voice was dry like he hadn’t spoken in many days. I wished he would clear his throat before speaking again, but somehow I didn’t think that would help. 

“When you broke into the Gryffindor common room,” I whispered.

“Did you-“ he stared at me. “how did you know I was the dog.”

“I- sort of. followed you,” I said reluctantly.

“I knew I heard a noise!” he growled and I stepped back some more.

“I didn’t tell anyone,” I said softly because, at that moment, I didn’t think he was going to kill me no matter what. If he wanted me dead, especially after I had called him by his name at the stands,   
he would have let the whomping willow kill me, if he didn’t want to do it himself.  
that made him stop and stare at me. 

“Why not?”

I shrugged.

“No, it’s been weeks. it’s not like you just bit your tongue for a couple of hours.” 

“Fine. I didn’t tell anyone because- well because I don’t think you’re dangerous,” I said in a whisper. 

“When you followed me that night, you thought I wasn’t dangerous?” he asked quietly.

“I-“I didn’t want to admit it but, “I didn’t exactly stop to think it through,” I said finally. 

Then Sirius did something surprised me. his face stretched into a grin, it kind of looked like his ears were actually pulling his cheeks back, more than it looked like his face was moving. 

“What?” I pointed my wand at him again.

“No, just. sounds familiar.”

I narrowed my eyes at him but lowered my wand completely finally. 

“You know we only really have until the quidditch match ends,” I said quietly.

The grin didn’t fall off his face. But he raised an eyebrow. “You followed me. Tell me what you know.”

I hadn’t expected that, and even though I would have liked him to explain everything, I couldn’t force him to. Plus it would have been easier for me to believe if I had come to the conclusion myself.

“I don’t know much.” I said quietly, but he nodded at me prompting me to go on. “You went up to the boy's dormitory, and you were looking for something. Not Harry, because he was sleeping and it would have been easy for you to kill him. You also went through the one-eyed witch statue, a secret passageway that Harry claimed no one could know about unless they had the map. Which means you must have had the map. and, I checked the map. many times since then. And I saw what Harry mentioned. Peter Pettigrew, as a dot on the map. But then, he disappeared about a day after you broke in. and-“ and I remembered something with such a sudden jolt I couldn’t believe I hadn’t figured it out before. Ron wasn’t talking to Hermione because his rat had disappeared, a rat that was in the Weasleys family for twelve years. “And so did my friend Ron’s rat.” I finished. “I can’t believe I didn’t- but how is that even possible. He’s a rat? And you two were obviously friends with James, but why?-“

“I think I can answer that.” a soft voice came from behind us in the tunnel and I jumped so violently the wand fell out of my pocket. I couldn’t believe someone had managed to sneak in without me hearing them.

“Remus.” Sirius's voice was so quiet but excited, like a child’s. Maybe even some longing in his voice. I stepped to the side as Sirius stepped towards him and embraced him in a hug.  
I stared at them.

“I started following you the second I saw you walk away from the stands,” Remus said to me when he had finally pulled away from Sirius.

“You- two? know each other?” I stuttered.

“you know you have some gall following him out here. that was incredibly stupid.”

“No, it’s ok, he’s not-“I began to say but Sirius interrupted.

“Remus, he's here. He’s not dead.”

“He’s not?” Remus’s voice sounded broken and hurt, and Sirius shook his head.

“Peter?” I confirmed.

“We were all friends when we were younger,” Remus explained. 

I nodded. I knew Sirius and James were friends and so was Peter obviously, but Remus was news to me.

“And Sirius and Peter are animagi.” I said.

“So was James,” Sirius said. 

“Really?”

I stared between them. “But professor lupin. you’re not an animagus are you?” I asked remembering the essay we had to do for Snape's class. I had a feeling I knew exactly what he was but I didn’t want to make any accusations.

He shook his head sadly. “No, I’m.-“ 

“A werewolf!” I whispered excitedly. “I knew it! so what? How does this fit together?”

“When Remus transformed every month, James and Peter and I kept him company,” Sirius explained slowly. “We couldn’t do it as humans so-“

“So what animal was James?”

“James was a stag.” Remus said, “and Peter- well.” he stopped and they looked at each other.

“Peter is a rat,” Sirius confirmed with hatred in his voice. “Literally and metaphorically.”

I stared, “metaphorically?” I asked

“He betrayed the potters to Voldemort,” Sirius said.

I was quiet. we had heard that it was Sirius who had done the betraying, but for some reason, I believed him. Everything Sirius was saying at this moment, I completely believed him. I wasn’t sure if it was just his broken expression or the fact that he didn’t kill me or even let me die, or that he didn’t kill Harry, or maybe just that Remus was confirming everything. And I had arrived at the conclusion myself. So I believed Sirius Black was innocent. 

He had asked me not to tell Harry because he said that he wanted to tell him himself. I had agreed and after that, I had taken food up there once every week to the shrieking shack which was apparently where the tunnel leads. I wasn’t sure if Sirius stayed there all week, but he did show up to collect the food because the next time I went back to replenish the stash, it was gone.   
That was in April. A month and a half later, Sirius managed to corner Harry, and Ron and Hermione and Harry had believed him just like I had. I wasn’t there for the events of that night as I did not want to reveal to Harry that I had actually known Sirius for a while. It wasn’t like we were friends or anything, but I just had a feeling that if Harry found out I was lying to him for weeks, that maybe he wouldn’t be happy. that night when Peter had escaped, I went to see Hagrid before Buckbeak's execution, and then followed them to the tree but didn’t go inside. I watched as snape walked up the tunnel, and decided to leave because I heard Harry saying he believed him. Later that night, I went to see Sirius under Harry’s invisibility cloak because I was sneaking around and heard that they had finally caught him. I didn’t know when Harry and Hermione had gone back in time, but that’s when I told him it would be alright, Hermione had a time turner that I knew for sure because I was the only person she told, and I guessed that Dumbledore would have told them to use it. I told him I would write to him and that he should reply to let me know he was ok, but that just depressed him because even though I tried to explain the time turner thing, he didn’t really believe me, and even though I wanted to yell at him for being so irresponsible to not even take the time to put a body bind curse on Peter Pettigrew, I knew that yelling at him wasn’t the thing to do at that moment. He probably felt bad enough already. I was right, Harry and Hermione had managed to save Buckbeak and had brought him to the window where Sirius was being held. Good thing there was a window because if I were the minister magic I would have put him in a block room. But maybe Dumbledore suggested this room on purpose and implied there wasn’t a place more secure. I gave him a small hug and disappeared under the invisibility cloak so Harry didn’t see me. Then I snuck back to the common room until the next day when I went to visit them in the hospital wing and pretended to listen intently as they told me the story of how Sirius was actually innocent and how they went back in time. I wondered whether or not to tell them that I knew he was innocent weeks ago and realized that I probably couldn’t lie to them for much longer.  
When they had finally finished the story in turns, I had an expression of surprise at the time travel twist which I hadn’t seen coming. then I gave them a sheepish look.

“Yeah, guys. So, there’s something I have to tell you.” I smiled nervously. “I’ve known this, about Sirius I mean, for about six weeks now. But the only reason I didn’t tell you was that Sirius asked me not to!” I asked quickly because Harry looked mad. “He said he wanted to tell you himself.”  
But that hadn’t diffused the situation. "If you had told us before, maybe we could have stopped tonight from happening,” Harry growled. “We had Peter for so long-“

“I didn’t find out until after peter ran away,” I said quietly. but I felt terrible. “And would you have believed me anyway?”

Harry stared at me but he didn’t answer.

“Harry please,” Hermione said. “She’s right, it’s not her fault. She was only doing what Sirius asked. Besides, it was easier to believe coming from Sirius himself.”  
Harry nodded slightly but he was still mad at me because he didn’t talk to me much for the rest of the year. By the end though, by the time we left to go home, he started acting ok again and I was relieved. I didn’t want to spend the entire summer by myself in my dad's house that was too big, thinking that one of my best friends hated me. I wondered for a long time after that if what Harry had said was true. if I had said something earlier, maybe Peter would never have escaped.


	6. Chapter 6

“Rose!” Sirius laughed. “It’s good to see you- a couple of days later.”

“I know, but it feels like it’s been forever. plus I know you were there at Hogwarts, but that whole night doesn’t even feel real. I’m not even sure if any of that happened.”

Sirius looked morose. “I really wish it hadn’t,” he said darkly

I turned around when Arthur and Molly tumbled out of the fireplace.

“Have you eaten yet?” Mrs. Weasley asked as Sirius held out a hand to help her out of the fireplace.

“Breakfast, but I slept through lunch I think,” I replied. “I didn’t sleep much last night.”

Sirius nodded looking empathetic.

“Come on then.” Mrs. Weasley ushered me into the dining room and Mr. Weasley and Sirius followed.

“Is Harry here yet?” I asked “Hermione?”

“Dumbledore hasn’t mentioned when Harry is coming, but obviously we can’t just go get him because of you know who. We’re still waiting for his plan, and Hermione, well she probably won’t come for a few weeks, you know, to spend time with her parents.”

“Ron? Ginny?” I asked shoveling down a mouthful of the mashed potatoes Mrs. Weasley piled on my plate.

“They’re here.” she nodded. “So are Fred and George. Oh! here they come!”  
Ron and Ginny came piling into the kitchen followed by the twins. I stood up and hugged Ginny violently.

“Good to see you too,” she said. “Missed you in the last-“ she looked at her wrist at a pretend watch. “20 hours?”

I pulled away and gave her a sarcastic smile.

“Everyone sit down.” Mrs. Weasley said, pulling out a chair.

We spent lunch talking, but I couldn't help but notice that Sirius was weirdly quiet.

After lunch, the Weasley kids decided to go upstairs, but I hung back for a second to talk to Sirius.  
“So, Mr. Black,” I said as he was staring at the wall in the room with the fireplace I had just come through.  
He turned around to look at me, the pensive look on his face broke.

I looked at the wall where he was staring.

“Sirius Black,” I whispered, looking at the black dot where his face used to be. His name could still be seen clearly though obviously because they wanted everyone to know that Sirius has been disowned.

“My mom did it when I left home at 16. he said. “I couldn’t take it anymore. My family, they were a bunch of pure blood extremists. Never actually death eaters, but never renounced them either. No, all they cared about was the purity of blood of a wizard. When i was sorted into Gryffindor, my parents were furious. but fortunately, the Potters were very welcoming.”  
I ran my fingers over the black spot and looked at him sadly.

“It’s for the best,” he said. “My entire family was Slytherin. I’m not entirely proud of my heritage.”

“Sirius-“I didn’t really know what to say. Then I noticed something, a name. Narcissa had been connected to a man named Lucius Malfoy, another picture was connected to both their names. ”Is that? Are you related to Draco?” I asked surprised.

“Oh, well, yes. All pureblood families are related to each other in some way. At some point, the purebloods run out of other purebloods to marry, so somehow all families are connected, you know?”

“How is he related to you?”

“Narcissa, his mother, is one of my cousins.”

“Oh, so you’re like his uncle?”

“I suppose.”

We were silent for a bit while I stared at the tapestry longer. Next to Narcissa's name was a woman named Bellatrix Black who was connected to a man named Rodolphus Lestrange. I knew that name. Lestrange. Barty had mentioned it in the chest. He and Bellatrix had worked together in, torturing people. I couldn’t find Barty's name anywhere though for which I was glad.

“Bellatrix?” I asked him specifically. “You’re related to her?”

“I wish I wasn’t,” he said darkly. “She’s probably the worst one. I’ve never really met her though, but she was brought into Azkaban about a year after me. She was proud of it. Kept yelling about how she and her husband were two of the only loyal supporters Voldemort had left and how they would be rewarded. Her husband died a few years ago, but Bellatrix, I’m sure she’s still alive. her will to find her master again goes beyond anything the dementors could do to her.”

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek but I quickly wiped it away.

“she tortured people,” I said quietly.

“I know,” Sirius said equally as quietly

Just as I was looking at who else was on the tapestry, Ginny came running downstairs. "You coming?” she asked me not reading the situation, or maybe she did and wanted me to stop looking at the tapestry because I might feel worse.

I nodded and rubbed Sirius’s shoulder.

“Don’t spend too much time staring at this,” I advised quietly.

“It’s not really the wall,” he said sadly.

“The house then?”

“Sort of. It’s hard to explain.” but I got it, kind of. It wasn’t really the fact his face was blacked out that was the problem. It was his family. Maybe he felt trapped. I knew that feeling all too well. I wanted to say something else, about how I understood, but Ginny was still watching me so I just left Sirius still staring at the tapestry and ran up the stairs after her.

The Weasley children gave me a tour of the house, a house as big as my father's. Obviously, this family had more money than they needed. I counted 14 rooms and 10 bathrooms. All of it was messy though. Well, not messy, but it was clear that it hadn’t been cleaned in a long time. There were layers of dust, and rattling noises from random cabinets and shelves in the rooms. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what was in each one but I did become aware of what places to steer clear of.

“Wow,” I said as a sat down on a bed in Ginny's room after the tour.

“I know!” Ron said. “Amazing isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s one word for it,” I muttered.

“So guys, what happened over the year?” I asked casually because I hadn’t actually gotten the chance to just sit and talk to everyone, but everyone because uncomfortably silent.

I sighed, “I meant, I know there was a Triwizard tournament, so what were the tasks? Who were the other champions?”

“There was this girl named Fleur Delacour and, you won’t believe it but Viktor Krum!” Ron started.

“Viktor Krum?” I asked unbelievingly. “The seeker for Bulgaria? he’s still in school?”

“He was 17 last year because only 17-year-olds were allowed to compete,” Ginny explained.

“And the tasks?”  
Fred, George, Ginny, and Ron took turns talking over each other trying to explain the tasks. In the end, it all sounded almost unbelievable, but then I thought they were probably exaggerating just a bit.

“And what was new with you guys?” I asked. “How were the final exams?”

“Really? You sound like Hermione asking about the final exams.” Ginny said.

I smiled, “I suppose I’ll have to take them this year in preparation for the OWLs.”

Again uncomfortable silence.

“Guys, you don’t have to fall silent every time I reference something I missed,” I said irritably, and they looked even more apologetic and uncomfortable.

“Fine.” I got up and started to walk out of the room. I don’t know why but I just got irrationally angry at them.

I walked down the stairs to the kitchen to see if Mrs. Weasley needed help with anything.

“Oh no, dear,” she said kindly flipping through a magazine while everything cleaned itself. “Although I do expect the order will be meeting tonight. They might want to talk to you.”

“The order?” I'd never heard of the order.

“The last time Voldemort came to power,” a new voice came from the door, I turned to see Sirius standing in the doorway with his hands behind his back. “Dumbledore brought together a group of people to fight him.”

“The order,” I repeated. “And how many members?”

“Less than last time I expect, tonight will be the first official meeting.”

“You don’t know how many people are in the order?” I asked skeptically.

“Last time we were hundreds, but some of them died, some of them went insane, and some of them switched to the dark side,” he said morosely.

“Wow,” I said looking down. “So how will everyone know where to come?”

Sirius shrugged. “I expect Dumbledore is rounding everyone up right now,” he said.

“But Harry?-“

Sirius shook his head. “I don’t know. If it were up to me, I would go get Harry right now, but Dumbledore is calling the shots now.” I thought I detected hatred in his voice when he said Dumbledore's name.

“Well we can’t can we?” Mrs. Weasley's voice came sharply from behind us. “Besides, he’s just a boy. even if he was here, he couldn’t be part of the order. And neither can you.” she was looking at me. Sirius sighed like he wasn’t up for arguing but I could feel the temper rising now more than it had before when I was with her kids.

I kind of stared at her. this wasn’t the first time she had referred to Harry as a kid or had been overly protective. But she had never done that to me. I didn’t know whether to be angry or flattered.

“I’m just saying.” her tone got considerably lighter. “You’re just a child. And anyway, the order is only for wizards over 17 who have graduated school.”

The words “Just a child.” rang loudly in my ears.

“Just a child,” I repeated. I scoffed sarcastically. I didn’t want to yell at her because she was the closest thing I’d had to a mother. But I wasn’t just a child, and I couldn’t bare to even hear her say it.

“Children are, happy and full of innocence. They look at the world and they’re not scared to walk out into it. Children haven’t gone through what I’ve gone through, seen what I’ve seen. I’m not saying I want to join the order, it’s dangerous, and it probably requires magic being done outside of Hogwarts which I know I can’t do.” My tone barely rose above a whisper but she looked terrified and Sirius looked taken aback.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean-“ but I had said it.

Mrs. Weasley grabbed me and held me to her chest. She wrapped her arms around my head and rested her chin on my shoulder. I could feel the tears from her eyes drop onto the top of my head and I wrapped my arms around her too, gripping the back of her dress tightly. I wished she would never let me go. So that was what it felt like. To have a mother that loved and protected you. To feel bad for you and take care of you when you needed it. Mrs. Weasley didn’t let go of me until I was ready which I indicated by loosening my grip on her.  
She pulled me away and wiped her face.

“Mrs. Weasley, I’m sorry I said that,” I said feeling bad about making her feel bad.

“You’re not just a child,” she whispered. “But you’re not broken either. You’re a strong woman. you’ve survived everything that’s been thrown at you. I’m sorry for calling you a child. I just meant- you’re so young.”

“I know,” I said softly. “I’ll be ok. I think. We’ll all be ok.”

She looked like she was about to cry again, which I didn’t want, so I forced a smile. “Thanks, Mrs. Weasley,” I said.

“You don’t need to thank me,” she said, but she turned away probably so I wouldn’t see her cry again.


	7. Chapter 7

I felt bad leaving her like that, but Sirius was no longer in the kitchen so I walked out to find him. He was sitting on a couch and staring at the wall. 

I walked up to him. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“What you said.” he turned to me as I sat down next to him crossing my arms.

“No. We don’t need to talk about it,” I said trying to steer away from the subject.

“We don’t need to, but- are you really afraid to go outside?” he asked. He sounded concerned but I thought I detected a note of something else. Maybe it was because he wasn’t allowed to and was mad at me for not wanting to? No, that couldn’t be it. 

I sighed. “It’s not that I’m scared. It’s that, why would i want to, when I’m perfectly comfortable in here?”

“Are you?” sirius asked skeptically. “Well, that’s probably because you’ve been here one day. Have you had a tour of the house?” 

I nodded. “Yeah, needs a lot of cleaning up huh.”

“And that portrait of my mother. Have you met her? Screams everytime someone knocks on the door.” 

“Your mother?” I asked standing up. “The super conservative one? Who hates muggle borms?” Sirius rolled his eyes. 

“Well I have to meet her now,” I said with a small smile because i thought this might actually be entertaining. Maybe I would goad her into getting angry. Yeah, that would cheer me up. 

“I don’t know about that,” Sirius said but he stood up too. He lead me to that hall where his mother was magically pinned to the wall so that no one could get the picture frame off. I pulled the curtains open and she immediately started screaming.

“Mud-bloods and bloodtraitors!” she wailed. “Defiling the ancient and noble house of Black!” 

“Hi,” I said smiling. “You must be?-“I paused and looked at sirius for her name 

“Walburga,” he whispered. 

“Walburga,” I repeated smiling. 

“Who are you?” she yelled at me. 

“Oh, I’m Rumplestiltskin's daughter. Do you know him?” That shut her up. 

“Yes I do know him,” she said. “Never knew he had kids though.” 

“Oh yeah,” I said. “Apparently he did though, didn’t he?” 

“So finally my wastrel of a son brings home, someone who is worthy of being associated with the Black name,” she said. 

“No!” I exclaimed. “Oh, gods no. You see, i stand against everything my father stands for. Oh yeah, I’ve spent my entire life going against his magic and sorcery. I’m more about... inclusion.” 

“How dare you!” she yelled and I smiled a little. I loved making the conservatives mad. 

“Oh yeah.” I continued. “Do you know what i did on a daily basis at home? I helped muggles. Not even muggle borns. just- muggles who needed my help. also, no matter what you think of Rumplestiltskin and his dark magic. He helps muggles too. Of course, his whole thing is all magic comes with a price, but still. He’s saved countless muggle lives.” Walburga started wailing intensely until I couldn’t handle the sound. 

I turned to Sirius who looked proud of me before taking his wand out, and with a loud bang, silenced her, and closed the curtains at the same time. 

“That was. Really something,” he said looking impressed.

“Thanks.” I said quietly. “I really hate people like her.”

“Me too.” Sirius chuckled darkly. “Too bad they’re who are growing.” 

“But the order.” I pointed out. “Aren’t they trying to stop exactly that?” he nodded but still looked uncertain. 

“So what you were saying, about how you helped muggles, did you use magic?” I took a deep breath. I hadn’t actually thought it through before I said it. It wasn’t true entirely. I did want to help people using my magic, but I couldn’t. 

“No, I mostly volunteered, there’s a lot to do that muggles do for each other. But i never used magic, that was all my father. but- I guess I could have, it’s complicated.” I said. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. I took a deep breathe.

I’d never told anyone this secret before. I'd actually never used it before. And even though i wanted to help, I’d seen what it had done to my father, this was the reason he’d turned, well, evil. I mean, he’d basically kidnapped a woman, and even though he tried to keep it a secret, I knew about all the murder and torture and fear he’s inflicted. I promised myself that even though I had the ability to perform sorcery, a magic deeper and more powerful than wizardry and didn’t require a wand, that I never would. I was scared it would get out of control and I’d end up as my father, or worse. I may be reckless and arrogant, but I wasn’t insane, and I didn’t think myself better than my father. When he got his sorcery, he didn’t use it for evil either. I’d heard good stories about him, from the same people who ran away in terror when he came by now. So no matter how much I thought I could have done, I had made a promise to myself to never use it. 

“You have to promise not to tell anyone,” I said. 

“Ok now you’re making me nervous.” he laughed a little. 

“Yeah, I’m making myself nervous,” I admitted. “But, I have magic.”

He honestly looked kind of relieved. “I know, we’re wizards.” 

“No,” I gave a nervous laugh. “I mean I have more magic than wizardry. My father taught me how to do sorcery, but it’s something that I promised I’d never use. Especially on another person, but I’m afraid- I’m afraid that the day that I’ll need to use it is approaching.” At first, Sirius looked like he didn’t know what to say. 

“You don’t need to be afraid of power,” he said finally. “But you do need to be wary of it.” 

I smiled.

“At first you were starting to sound a little like Voldemort.” I joked but evidently, he didn’t find it funny because he didn’t laugh. 

“Why didn’t you use it last year?” he asked. 

“It doesn’t work in Hogwarts,” I said truthfully. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t tried. I figured that the life and death situation was event enough to break my “no sorcery” rule. I was glad that Sirius brought up last year and didn’t freak out and shut down. 

“But you’ve never used it otherwise?” I shook my head.

“When my father first became the dark one, or rather before, he was a good man. He was a coward, sure, but he was good. and now? He didn’t even realize his own daughter was missing for ten months.” Sirius stared at me. 

“You won’t become like him,” he said quietly. “I don’t know much about your father but I do know that that kind of magic changes a person. It’s not possible that you have that kind of magic.” 

“But I learned it from him.” I countered. “and- it's just too easy to lose control.” I thought about Barty how he’d lost control so many times. How many times I'd paid for that. “I’m just saying, even when someone doesn’t have sorcery, they can still lose control.” 

Sirius stared. “Are we talking about your father still?” he asked tentatively. 

“Barty lost control a lot,” I whispered. It was the first time I’d said his name out loud since I’d been out, and I could feel sirius freeze. He obviously didn’t know what to say. It was wrong, but his discomfort made me feel better. It was almost... satisfying. “He lost control a lot and I paid for it,” I said quietly. He looked horrified but, i ran away before Sirius could say anything else but I didn’t want to go back to the Weasley's room, I had basically made a scene and walked out. I tried to find the room that Mrs. Weasley had taken my stuff up to. I had seen it on the tour but I wasn’t sure which one it was.

Unfortunately, I ran into Fred and George in the hallway.

“Hey,” they said.

“Um hi,” I said awkwardly.

“Over the year, we’ve been working on a couple of canary creams,” Fred said.

“What?” I asked surprised by this sudden change in topic.

“It’s a snack that changes whomever eats it into a well- canary.”

“Ooh,” I said intrigued and they looked happy that they could cheer me up. “I definitely want to see that. Give me three. I’ll tell Ron that my dads cook makes the best creams. He’ll believe me because he doesn’t know I know about the canary ones!”

Fred went inside to get three pastries while I stood outside with George waiting.

“Where is my room?” I asked him looking around.

“That one.” he pointed to a door about two away from Ginny's room.

“Thanks.SDo these creams. So you have anything else in development?”

He leaned in. “As a matter of fact, we do. Last year, we spent the whole time developing a bunch of pills to get students out of class.”

“Ah, Hermione must have been really happy with that huh?”

“Oh she tried her best to stop us.” we both smiled. Fred came out with the creams and I took the container from him.

“Hey Ron!” I exclaimed opening the door.

“Hey, where did you go?”

“To my room. My dad's cook makes the best pastries and I completely forgot about it, but when I went to unpack, I found them. Here.” I held out the box to him.

“Thanks!” he said eagerly taking the box. Tt seemed as though they had all come to the agreement to not speak about me just walking out. He shoved a cream into his mouth and promptly turned into a canary.

We all laughed and Ron turned back into himself mad that I had tricked him. But then I burst out laughing again and so did he and we were all laughing. For a moment, everything else melted away, I was just there with my friends, laughing like nothing was wrong.

But it didn’t last very long. As soon as I started laughing, the joy went away and all that was left was me faking it for their benefit. All I wanted was again, to be left alone without actually being alone.

The rest of the evening went by, if they noticed i was being quiet, no one mentioned it. Instead, they just included me anyway.

Soon, Mrs. Weasley walked into the room and called us down for dinner. I wasn’t really hungry, and i also didn’t want to see sirius again because of the awkward encounter we had earlier that day.  
i walked down to the dining room behind the Weasleys, and when we sat down, Sirius didn’t talk to me, he kept trying to make eye contact but I kept looking away. I listened to what everyone had to say and picked at my food. Once dinner was over and we had cleared the table, Mr. Weasley pulled me off to the side and told me that the order would be showing up with Dumbledore any minute now. I asked him if I could be there as I remembered Mrs. Weasley's outburst about not wanting me to be there other than to tell them what Barty had told me.

“We won’t stop you.” he said. “Molly, she can get a little worried, but of course you can come. You should be there.” I gave him a small smile and walked with him to a living room. There was a large table set up, like, knights of the round table large, but it only fit about 30 chairs, there were fifteen more on each side in a straight line. I thought expecting 60 people might have been a bit of a stretch, but then people actually started arriving. I didn’t know where to sit, whether I was important enough to sit at the round table so I stood in the back, near the corner of the row waiting. Some of the people who arrived, I did recognize. Alastor Moody, Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape, Lupin. etc. Dumbledore didn’t arrive until the very end. There were actually more than 60 people so about 8 people were standing in the back. I’m glad I hadn’t sat because there were many bordering on old people who were there. I could kind of hear Mrs. Weasley yelling at her children. Obviously, they wanted to come to the meeting but she refused.

I was in the shadows exactly where I felt comfortable. I didn’t even realize when Sirius came and stood right next to me.

I pretended I didn’t notice him but he whispered “Rose.” I ignored him.

“You don’t need to say anything to me, but you know Dumbledore wants you to talk.”

I closed my eyes. “Sirius, I'm sorry-“

“For what?” he asked.

“I can’t. Talk.”

I don’t know why but i felt like crying.

“Alright, I’ll talk.”

I sighed, he wasn’t going to stop. I hoped Dumbledore would show up soon.

“I’m not going to pretend you didn’t say anything to me, but I’m not going to ask you to talk about it. I just want to make sure you’re ok with whatever you’re going to say at this thing.”

“Sirius. there are 60 people here, can we please talk about this later?” I pleaded.

He didn’t say anything else but I knew he was planning on dropping the subject anytime soon.

Dumbledore did finally show up elegantly, he flowed into the room through apparition.

He introduced the meeting by talking about Voldemort's return and how this was going to be an important year.

I wasn’t nervous before, but with every word that he said my stomach sunk deeper and deeper. A few minutes in, I could barely breathe and I wished I had grabbed a seat. I closed my eyes tightly trying to concentrate on anything but that fact that I was going to have to talk soon in front of over 60 people. I could feel sirius standing directly next to me. He didn’t try to touch me, but when I grabbed his hand involuntarily he didn’t pull away. Finally, Dumbledore mentioned my name and Sirius squeezed my hand as a signal that i should say what Barty told me about Voldemort's plan  
on accident.

I walked a little ahead to next to where Dumbledore was standing.

“I um- well, as far as i know- Voldemort's looking for a weapon. He thinks that my father has hidden in his vault. A weapon that maybe, my father doesn’t even know the full extent of its power.”

“What kind of weapon?” a small wizard spoke up.

I wasn’t sure. I thought about the night Barty mentioned it. He was high on adrenaline. He looked insanely happy because he had just murdered his father in a clever way.

“Um- I don’t know. It was definitely something with incredible power. Something that he didn’t have last time? I don’t think Barty knew what it was. I’m not even sure Voldemort knows exactly  
what it is.” I said unsure. I felt like I saw something flicker on Dumbledores face. Something that indicated he might know what it was. But if he did know, he didn’t say it. Maybe he didn’t want to say in front of me, or maybe he was just waiting to gather more information.

Either way. Dumbledore didn’t say anything about the weapon, instead he steered the conversation into a different topic.

“Thank you, Rose,” he said, stepping up. “We must all be diligent in our actions. The ministry doesn’t believe that Voldemort's back.” After that, I stopped paying attention. There was nothing else interesting that Dumbledore was saying. I thought he was going to talk more about the action plans for how to defeat him. Fifteen minutes later, after everyone had talked and eaten some snacks that mrs weasley put out, everyone was gone. Dumbledore was just about to leave when I ran after him.

“Professor Dumbledore!” I called. Luckily he stopped, even though I wasn’t expecting him to. I didn’t want to bring up the weapon again because he had stopped me for a reason, I could only  
assume that knew about it and was even scared of it.

“Professor Dumbledore. There’s something else.” I breathed. He looked at me curiously.

“I didn’t bring it up before. But, Harry. He was attacked for a reason.” at this point, I didn’t know exactly what I was going to say, but I had a bunch of different pieces of the puzzle and he could put it all together.

“He asked you, during our first year, and you told him you couldn’t tell him.”

“Yes,” he said a little sadly.

“Barty, he told me, that Voldemort is looking for something. Something else he didn’t have last time, more like didn’t /know/ last time.” I looked at him for any signs that he would respond, but he stayed silent. “There’s a prophecy isn’t there?” I asked, but Dumbledore didn’t respond yet. “He doesn’t know exactly what the prophecy says, but he knows it exists. I think he’s going to look  
for it this time around.”

Dumbledore looked pensive. “Yes.” he sighed. “I was worried about this. and I fear we must tell the Order. Listen, Rose. Harry mustn’t know. not yet. I will tell him when the time is right.

I nodded but I didn’t feel good about lying to Harry. Last time I'd lied to him about sirius, he hadn’t spoken to me for weeks and I thought he was right not to.

“I don’t even know what the prophecy says,” I said shaking my head a little. “I won’t say anything.”

He nodded a little thanks. “Will I see you at Hogwarts next semester?” he asked and I thought he was asking if I was ok.

“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. I had honestly not even thought about it. Could I even go to Hogwarts again?

He nodded again. “Sometimes rose. the easiest decisions are the hardest to make,” he said and disapperated with a small shoulder squeeze.

“Yup,” I said out loud. “What does that even mean?”

“What does what mean?” a voice asked. I turned around to Ron.

“Nothing, just Dumbledore being Dumbledore.”

He shook his head. “So what happened at the meeting?”

“Nothing,” I said, but he didn’t believe me.

“Ok, let’s go upstairs and talk.” so I followed him upstairs to Ginny's room.

“So what did they talk about?” Ginny asked eagerly.

"Ok, like I told Ron downstairs. there was literally nothing important said during the meeting.” I repeated. “Just some stuff about how we need to take precautions to protect ourselves even though he doesn’t expect voldemort to attack anytime soon. Dumbledore expects Voldemort will be using the time no one knows he exists to gain his strength and look for some objects to help him.”

“Object?” Fred asked.

“What object?” George clarified.

I sighed. “I don’t know.” I said. I promised Dumbledore I wouldn’t mention the prophecy, but I had already told Ron and Hermione and Harry about the weapon. I had a feeling the weapon was a  
wand anyway because what else would a wizard be looking for?

“I’m serious. I have no idea, I brought something up that Barty mentioned in the- last year, but Dumbledore was quick to say that it didn’t exist.”

“What was it?” Ginny asked.

“Um- a wand? I think? Technically he used the word weapon, but i have a feeling it’s a wand.”

“Like the elder wand?” Fred asked.

“From the Tales of Beedle the Bard?” George added.

“Ok, I’ve never read the tale of- what?”

“Beedle the Bard,” George repeated. “It’s a fairytale.”

“Exactly,” Ginny said. “A fairytale.”

“That’s probably why Dumbledore was so quick to shut it down,” I said. “Because it’s just a story. I think Voldemort wants it to exist, but listen. I’m not even sure if it is a wand, ok? That’s just a conclusion I came to myself. Dumbledore didn’t confirm it and if he knew what the real weapon is, he didn’t say it in front of me.” I looked around at their faces and they looked disappointed,actually, that I had been at a meeting but couldn’t tell them what was going on.

“Hey guys, I’m going to bed,” I said slowly, as they were discussing what the wand meant, I couldn’t take it anymore. They were acting like I had given them accurate and conclusive information and even though I made it clear I had no idea what the weapon really was, I felt guilty that they were going off my word.

“Oh. Ok, good night.” Ginny said staring after me as I got up and left to go to my room.

I guess I forgot that Sirius’ room was next to mine because I ran into him in the hallway. Again.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“Are you?” I deflected and he looked taken aback.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

I sighed. Sirius. i appreciate what you’re doing. but I don’t need you to keep looking after me.”

“I know I don’t have to.” sirius said defensively and i felt bad.

“I’m sorry-“

“Don’t apologize. Look, I’m going to be here for you no matter how much you resist me,” he said.

“Why?” I was tearing up a bit.

“Because I know what it’s like to not have someone know nor care what you’re going through.”

“I-“I started. but Sirius held up a hand. “You don’t have to say anything. Just- know that I’m here if you need anything.” and he left me standing in front of my room. I walked in and changed into my nightclothes, which were not too different from day clothes so I figured I’d just wear that the next day too. I did get into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned for what felt like hours before I finally fell into a half sleep. The next thing i remembered was waking up and it being 5 am. I groaned. A couple more hours and it would have been fine, but this was too early to get out of bed but too late to go back to sleep. I decided to just lay in bed for a couple more hours but then I heard footsteps coming from outside so naturally got up to go investigate.  
I slowly walked outside to see a small creature walking around and mumbling something incoherent.

A second later, I realized that I knew what it was, he looked fairly similar to what Dobby was- a house-elf.

“Oh hello,” I said quietly. He looked at me distastefully.  
“Oh look, another human to tread upon my mistresses property, are you a mud blood or a blood traitor?” he looked me up and down snarling his mouth. “Matters not does it. All friends of Sirius the traitor, all filth!”

He yelled the last world and I flinched.

Suddenly, there was a flash of bright light that knocked the house-elf on his butt and as he scrambled to his feet, Sirius emerged from his room and growled softly at the creature it go away.  
I stared after the house-elf as he scrambled away in shock before looking back to Sirius. He was wearing pjs and was clearly lying down because his hair was tangled up, but his eyes were not even a bit sleepy. I didn’t think he had been sleeping at all.

“That’s Kreacher,” sirius explained. “He was my mother’s house-elf and I sort of inherited him with this house.”

“This house belonged to your mother?” I asked. I didn’t know who’s it could have belonged to, but I supposed I should have thought of it before. I don’t know why I was so surprised. There was a portrait of her hanging downstairs, and it obviously belonged to the Black family. I guess i had just figured it was sort of a family home.

Sirius chuckled, “Most people don’t believe me when I tell them that I come from money.”

I crossed my arms. “Clearly I believe you, I’m just a little surprised.”

“You’re wondering how bad she could have possible been for me to have run away from all this,” he said quietly.

That took me by surprise. “n+Not even for one second!” I said shocked. “I- I did too.”

He looked at me. “Good, then we don’t have to do this explaining to each other thing do we?”

“Nope. what are you doing out here anyway?”

He shrugged. “I heard a noise and figured it was probably Kreacher disturbing something. I didn’t want him waking up Buckbeak. what are /you/ doing out here?”

I shrugged too. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Neither could I,” he said seriously.

“So it’s like 5 am, you want to go make breakfast for the weasleys and surprise Molly for once?”

“Yeah.” he said raising an eyebrow. “you know, I’ve never actually made breakfast before.”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Well, you’re about to learn i guess.”

A couple of hours later, Mrs. Weasley came into the kitchen yawning.

“What are you two doing?” she asked looking around. Then when she saw the three course breakfast that we’d made in the two hours, she looked like she was going to cry.

“No ones cooked for me in-well since I was a little girl.” she finished awkwardly.

“Mrs. Weasley. don’t cry,” I said and sirius laughed.

“Molly, what would you like first?”

One by one, the Weasleys came down and had breakfast.

“You cooked all this?” Ron asked looking between me and Sirius.

“Yeah I know it’s not as good as your mum makes it, but we tried.” I laughed a little.

Breakfast that morning was fun. I refused to cook the meat so Sirius had to, and he had ended up burning the bacon which left a nasty smell that lingered through the kitchen until Mr. Weasley  
had the sense to wave his wand and clear the air.

Later that day, Mrs. Weasley pulled me aside and told me that they were planning to leave and go back to the Burrow. She explained that she had work to do, that they had to put up protections  
and the order wouldn’t be meeting again until Harry arrived anyway.

At first, I protested. I tried to explain that Sirius would be alone if they left. She just looked sad but she said that they would visit but they had to leave.

She left me in the kitchen, after telling me that I was welcome at the burrow, of course, or I could stay at Grimmauld place if I wanted to. I stood around for a minute trying to decide what to do, but honestly the choice wasn’t that hard.

I caught up with Mrs. Weasley a few hours later.

“I’m going to stay here,” I said. “It's just, Sirius, he’s going to be alone. and I think that he shouldn’t be alone.”

Mrs. Weasley smiled. “I figured as much dear. We’ll be back in a few weeks anyway.”

“Are you sure?” Ron asked me pulling me aside.

“Sure about what?” I asked innocently.

“I know you and Sirius are close, but if you stay here you’re basically becoming a prisoner to this house.” and he fell silent. I guess he was worried that saying the word “prisoner” would trigger me. I sighed irritated.

“Ronald. Do you see what you just did? You just fell silent because you thought you said something that would make me upset.” I gritted my teeth. “Don’t worry, I’m ok. It’s just that. Sirius, he’s  
the only one who’s not completely uncomfortable around me, and I understand why you’re acting like this because I was the same way with him last year, but just. No offense, but if i have to spend the next few weeks with everyone tiptoeing around me, afraid to say anything, I think I might shut myself in the chest again.” I meant that last part as a joke but my own stomach dropped and Ron didn’t laugh.

“Too soon?” I tried to laugh it off, but it probably sounded fake because it was.

“Wow- I'm. sorry. We don’t mean to-you know- tiptoe.”

I put a hand up to stop him. “It’s ok Ron. I appreciate how much you guys care, I’ve never had a, family before. And you guys, Harry and Hermione, you guys are my family.” I hugged him before i started crying and he patted my back awkwardly.

“Well, I suppose I’ll see you in about a month then. Perhaps I’ll ask mum if i can come by once a week with Ginny.”

i smiled. “Yeah, try. I’d love to see you.”

we walked back upstairs together, Ron to pack, me to just find something to do. They didn’t leave that night. It took them a while to pack, and I noticed that Sirius was even more depressing than usual at dinner. I didn’t know if he knew if I was staying yet, but if Mrs. Weasley didn’t tell him then I figured he’d find out tomorrow anyway. Then I’d be all chill about it. I wondered if he would even want me to stay, but I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t. There was time when i thought he didn’t like me, but honestly, when I followed him the first night that he broke into the dormitory, that’s exactly something he would have done. Maybe he saw me like he saw Harry. I hoped he did because he was becoming more like a father to me, even more than Mr. Weasley or Hagrid. In the couple of days i had spent at his place, I was coming to be more and more dependent on Sirius's company and I really wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.


	8. Chapter 8

The next day, again after a night of almost no sleep for me. The Weasleys lined up in front of the fireplace with all their luggage. I wondered why they even came in the first place if they weren’t planning to stay before I realized it was probably for me and Sirius. Mrs. Weasley gave me a hug and told me to be safe, and Ginny did too, the boys shook both my and Sirius's hand before disappearing in a wisp of green smoke. Soon it was just me and Sirius left standing in the room.

Before I could say anything, Sirius left the room.

I stood there and mouthed “what?” before following him.

“Sirius!” I called after him.

Without turning around, he paused and asked “you’re still here?”

“I- I decided to stay with you?”

He turned around. his expression was a lot softer than it was a minute ago.

“You did?”

At this point, I felt really awkward. “Well, yeah.” I looked around to point out that I was still standing there.

“I don’t know, I thought you would have left with them.”

“And leave you alone?” I walked closer to him. “Believe me, Sirius, I know how hard it is to be alone. I wouldn’t let anyone be alone if I could. anyway. I’m staying.”

He was silent for a minute but I could see that he was trying not to smile.

“So, did you sleep last night?” he asked randomly.

“I- what?”

He started walking down the stairs. “Did you sleep last night?” he repeated.

“No. Well, kind of. Why?”

He shrugged. “Because you didn’t sleep properly the night before.”

“Did you sleep?” I asked accusingly even though I didn’t mean to.

“No,” he replied coolly.

“Will we ever sleep properly again?” I asked rhetorically.

He shook his head. “I’ll let you know.”

That night I made dinner with groceries that Mrs. Weasley had stocked up. Technically we couldn’t create food, but we could multiply it, or change what it was so it was fine.

We didn’t really talk much, but there wasn’t anything that needed to be said. I wondered if it would be like this every night. I couldn’t help relate it to my relationship with my father. We didn’t talk much either, but the silent dinners with him were much worse. I was constantly looking for his approval. But that didn’t matter much to me now. Now, if I never saw my father again, I’d be ok. But I had to see him again. At least one more time. I just didn’t know when. I was worried about the weapon. The fact that I knew Voldemort was looking for it but didn’t know what it actually was, terrified me. I desperately hoped Dumbledore knew what it was and had told the other order members.

We cleared the plates silently.

“You didn’t have to stay for me,” Sirius said.

I smiled and remembered one of our previous conversations “I know I didn’t have to.” I replied using his own words. “ But, if I’m being honest, it was a little for me too.” I stopped washing the dishes for a second so that he could hear me properly. “I’m not going to pretend that I’m completely fine Sirius, but at the same time, you’re the only person that doesn’t make me remember that I've been through a trauma every time I bring up anything from last year.”

He nodded but didn’t say anything for a while.

“Either way, I’m glad you stayed. James and Remus and me when we were at Hogwarts had so many adventures together. I'd forgotten what it’s like to have someone who cares for you. But last year, when you asked me if I wanted to stay with you, I felt happy for some reason, because you were thinking of me. and, I- I'm sorry I just left.”

“What?” for a second I forgot what he was talking about. I was too busy imagining the four of them running around the Hogwarts ground once a month protecting each other.

“Last year, when I left with nothing and then sent you a note after. It’s just, that house. The emptiness. It reminded me of this-“

“Sirius, it’s fine really. I understand. I just wish you had told me before you left because I was worried before I got the note.”

Sirius looked guilty. “I know. But last year, it had been a year since I was out. and I spent the year near Hogwarts, but after that, I was free to do whatever I wanted. And I thought what I wanted was to have a home. But then I came to your place and every time I would see you around, I'd feel jealous and angry. And it wasn’t your fault. I mean what are you supposed to do about not knowing what it felt like to be locked up? You were happy, and I hated that. I wished I had a person who understood- now, now I regret that wish deeply.”

I didn’t know what to say. I stopped washing the dishes again. “Well.” I said whispering hoarsely “It wasn't your fault.” I was holding back tears but so was Sirius.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t be. Please. It’s not your fault.” and even though I knew this. Even though I felt it, there was still anger. Still, a deep resentment that I felt, like somehow, Sirius’ wish to have someone who understood resonated through the universe and bounced on me.

“I um-“ I put the dishes down and washed my hands. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

I ran out of there leaving Sirius speechless. I knew I was going to cry. Really cry, the first time since I’d gotten out, and I really couldn’t bear to do it in front of Sirius. I slammed the door and pushed my face into a pillow and cried. It was a painful one, from deep inside. Every time I would try to stop, another memory would come out and it would start all over again. By the time I'd stopped, it was 11 pm. I’d cried for almost 3 hours. I drank the entire bottle of water sitting next to my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. It was not good. If Sirius has come to bed, he did not interrupt me. But, if there was one good thing that came out of the crying was that I wasn’t mad at Sirius anymore. What was the point in being mad at the only person who didn’t make me feel like I had what happened to me happen to me? I couldn’t go outside to find him looking like I did, so I got into the shower and sat there for an hour. I turned the water so hot and sat down. I thought the water hitting me would make me cry again but I was out of tears so I didn’t. when I finally got out and slowly got dressed it was 1 am and the whole house was dark and silent. I peeped out of my room but I couldn’t see anything. The dark of the large house made me nervous so I quickly went back inside to my room. It was the first night in Sirius’ house without the Weasleys and it was quiet. Even throughout the night, someone was always doing something, whether it was Fred and George inventing or the parents watching tv, the house was never dark and silent. I left the lights on and went to bed to try to sleep. My eyes burned from the crying but I didn’t really go to sleep. Or maybe I did because I had another nightmare.

It was the first night in the chest. I had just woken up and my wrists were in chains that were attached to the walls of the chest. I opened my eyes to see a man sitting in front of me, also tied up to something.

“wake up! wake up! please!” he was shouting, struggling against the bonds that tied him up. i looked around slowly, it looked like a small room. there was a small mattress with a few pillows a single counter with a plate and a cup and a bathroom with a toilet and a shower. my luggage was sitting at the foot of the bed between the bathroom and me.

“What-?” I had asked still groggy from whatever he had used to knock me out.

“Alastor.” the man had whimpered “Alastor moody. He’s gone insane. He locked me in here and now he’s locked you in here too.” The man sounded sad and scared but I was too sleepy to process any of it.

“Please you have to wake up!” he said, “Moody could be back any second to kill me!”

“I’m sorry- who are you?” was the first thing I’d thought to ask, and even in my state, I could tell that this had upset the man. “My name. is Barty Crouch. But that’s not who I am.”

The name Barty Crouch had sounded so familiar until it hit me.

“Barty Crouch, as in the ministry official Barty Crouch?” I had asked, remembering that I had met him during the Quidditch World Cup. He had actually been the one to accuse Harry of putting up the Dark Mark. 

“Exactly like that.” he had said, “That man's my father, but he’s not my dad.” I had understood that.

“Wait- how long- how long have you been in here?” I asked still not able to process it properly being groggy.

“I don’t know- a week?”

“You’ve been in here- a whole week?” I looked around but something seemed really off.

“Hold on- after the world cup. I was with the Weasleys and Arthur, he said that Alastor Moody had made a false alarm call that someone had broken into his house and threatened him. But by the time he got there, there was no one there.”

“Fine, I did break into his house, but I don’t live with my father anymore and I just needed some money. How was I supposed to know that that man was batshit?”

I don’t know why but I wasn't convinced.

“You’ve been in here for a full week. But the mattress doesn’t look like it’s been slept in, and there are no clothes anywhere.” This was the point that the fear and dread had started to settle in after waking up. He looked like he was late 20s early 30s, not strong, but I was chained to the wall. I looked around in horror to realize that he was smiling a terrifying smile, it was the flesh had melted from his skull and all the was left was the smile.

“Fine. you figured it out. “ he had said mockingly. “But what now?" I tried to pull the chains but he had merely laughed.

“Really? You’re going to try to pull the chains? Aren’t you Rumplestiltskin's daughter? You’re so smart, you just proved that. But you’re so goddamn cliche.” he put a hand under my chin and shoved my face up.

I was completely awake by that point but I had no idea what to do next.

“That’s why I’m here?” I had asked. “because I’m Rumplestiltskin's daughter and you think I- what, know something? Because I don’t, my father and I- we don’t even have a good relationship.” he had laughed. A laugh that had echoed in the chest anyway but was magnified but a lot in the dream, but he still looked a little disappointed.

“Please. As if I would keep someone in here just for being related to someone else. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of having a shitty father. No. Although I did hope that you have the combination to his vault, you’re here for my /fun./“ 

When said the word fun, his eyes lit up. He lunged at me and started choking me in the dream, but somehow I was choking in real life. When I woke up it was in a cold sweat. 

“What the hell?!” I yelled flailing around a bit. I reached wildly for whatever was sitting on me. I did manage to push it off and it fell on the floor with a thud. I jumped off the bed and focused on what it was. Kreacher. Of course. I stood there trying to catch my breath. It took me a second to realize I was covered in sweat. Sirius jumped into the room with his wand out, he was still clearly half asleep.

“What? What is it?” he yelled.

My heart was still pounding in my chest multiplied by my ears so I could barely hear.

“Noth- nothing.” I gasped trying to catch my breath.

“Sirius’s friend was talking in its sleep.” Kreacher said ominously. “Kreacher was only trying to make it stop. my mistress says talking in sleep is no good. No good indeed. Bad dreams.”

“You were trying to /help/ me?” I asked looking at him surprised.

“No, Kreacher would never help the friend of a traitor such as Sirius Black.”

“Shut up,” Sirius said and Kreacher looked at him with disgust.

“Then what were you doing sitting on me?” I asked angrily.

“I was trying to make it stop.”

“By strangling me?!” I was angry. I agreed with Hermione about the rights of house elf’s and I never would have yelled at dobby, but this thing was making me want to kick him right in the ribs.

“My mistress said it would be best-“ he started.

“Best if what?” Sirius sounded angry too.

“That it would make the dreams stop if Kreacher- mistress thought Kreacher should kill you,” he said coolly. I didn’t know what to say so I actually scoffed but Sirius looked downright terrifying.

“If you ever go near her or in her room again I’ll cut off your ears and make you eat them,” Sirius growled.

“Sirius?” I said softly, “it’s ok, he doesn’t know.” Somehow seeing Sirius so angry made my anger melt away.

“No! Don’t defend him. He’s been a pain in my arse since I was a kid and now he’s trying to kill my friends. I ought to just kill him.”

“No, Sirius, he was just doing what the portrait of your mother said. It’s fine, I’m fine. He was right anyway. I was having a nightmare.”

Sirius’s face morphed from anger to concern. “A nightmare?”

“Yeah, of the- first night in the chest. I wouldn’t have yelled it’s just I was being choked in the dream as well so I panicked. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

But he scoffed. “Please,” he said quietly. “I don’t sleep.” But he looked disheveled so I thought he probably had slept and was just lying for my benefit. I groaned after he walked out and went back to bed because I felt guilty that the one time he had been able to sleep, I had woken him up. It was 5 am again so I couldn’t go to sleep so I just picked up a book and started reading. Since I had been out, I hadn’t had a proper nightmare about what had happened. I didn’t even think reliving real moments was possible, but apparently, it was. I kind of wished Sirius hadn’t left me alone, but that wasn’t fair.

I had already cried so I couldn’t cry again but my breathe trembled as I stared at the wall. Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed here, but if this had happened at the Weasleys, I think it might have actually been worse because then Mrs. Weasley would have made a huge fuss about it.

Sirius didn’t sleep and he’d been to Azkaban which was just a prison. Technically he hadn’t been forced to do anything, and he still had nightmares, probably just the thought of how he felt for twelve years. But if every time I closed my eyes I saw what happened to me, re-lived the worst moments of it? I’d never sleep again. Just that thought made me want to sink through the floor. Somehow, even though I had been the one to survive, I still felt like I lost. I definitely had lost parts of me, things I’d never get back.


	9. Chapter 9

The days sort of passed monotonously. Kreacher wasn’t allowed near me anymore because of the order from Sirius, so at least I didn’t wake up choking anymore. Sirius was so much better to hang out with this year than he was last year. Maybe it was because I could relate to him this time around. Order members stopped by at random times, either because they wanted to update Sirius, but mostly because anytime anyone found anything, they left it there since it was the official order of the headquarters. I wondered why people didn’t just stay there, but the house was barely habitable. Mrs. Weasley and Sirius had managed to clean a few rooms, the living room, and the kitchen, but the other rooms still had creatures that were unaccounted for. Sirius kept everything locked up from me, and even though I wasn’t really in the mood to argue with him to force him to show me, I couldn’t help but feel irritated that he felt the need to just, hide things from me like I was so untrustworthy that I would go through things that I wasn’t supposed to. I tried not to let it, Sirius was my only friend other than the occasional letter from Ron, Harry, and Hermione, but as I wasn’t allowed to tell Harry anything anyway, I figured it we better to have little correspondence with him rather than to lie to him. I didn’t write to Hermione or Ron much either. It wasn’t like there was much to update them about.

And then, about two weeks in, we were running low on food and Sirius couldn’t leave the house, so I went out. There was a grocery vendor down the street. I walked out the door and Sirius looked kind of sad that he couldn’t come with me. I actually considered telling him he should come with me. It was barely five blocks. But then, we were in London, not even that far from Diagon Alley. Even if there was one wizard I was sure that they would recognize him. Sirius's wanted posters were still up even though it had been two years since he escaped. The ministry should have had bigger problems than Sirius because of Voldemort, but of course, they didn’t believe Harry. Barty had been kissed by a dementor and was unable to tell anyone his plan. And no one believed Harry although why I had no idea.

“I’m sorry Sirius. I know you want to go out, believe me, I want you to go with me, but we’re in London- and-.”

“No, it’s fine. really. I’m ok. besides, it’s not like you’re going on a trip or something.”

I looked at him apologetically and walked out. I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I just had to grocery shopping. but I don’t know what it was, the whole thing felt so surreal. I was suspicious of everything. Some guy smiled at me and it was Barty's smile. The way some guy moved his hair to the side, or some licked their lips, it looked like the thing he did with their tongue. I started panicking.

“Ok you have to pull it together,” I told myself and someone looked at me like I was crazy, which maybe I was, I was definitely starting to feel like it anyway.

I bought the vegetables, some other grains, and fruit and started waking back home. Everything felt like it was moving around me in slow motion. This couldn’t happen. I couldn’t lose my grip every time I left the house. How would I go back to Hogwarts?

When I finally made it back, I quickly went inside and Sirius was sitting on the couch in one living room.

“You’re back!” he got up to help me take the things into the kitchen.

“So how was it?”

“Oh you mean the crazy adventure I just had?”

Sirius smiled a little. “Honestly, I would do anything for even that right now.”

I felt really really bad and had no idea what to say.

But then Sirius sighed and shook his shaggy head. “I’m sorry.”

“Sirius. I’m going to find a way to get you out of here,” I said resolutely but Sirius smiled sadly.

“You know I can’t leave-“

“I know you can’t leave. But I’m going to figure out a way.” I kind of had an idea anyway. I’d spent ten months making polyjuice potion for Barty Crouch jr, andI had the recipe memorized. I just had to figure out a way to get the ingredients.

But at that moment, the panic that started when I left the house went into full fledge.

“I have to go,” I said quickly and left to my room. I didn’t want to succumb to whatever this was. Over the last couple of weeks, I mostly only had nightmares. I didn’t really have panic attacks,   
but I hadn't really gone outside and seen anyone else.

I closed my eyes and slid against the door.

Blood rushed to my head and I had to breathe deeply to stop it. But it wouldn’t. I kept getting these small almost tv like flashbacks.

I heard footsteps and felt a heavy weight on the other side of the door, but Sirius didn’t try to come in. He didn’t even knock which I was grateful for because it probably would have just scared me.

Finally, minutes later I finally calmed down completely. I splashed my face with water and then opened the door gently in case Sirius was just sitting there. He was but immediately stood up.

I nodded and smiled a little to let him know that I was ok. Well. Not /ok/, but ok.

We walked downstairs and put the groceries away together. Sirius didn’t bring anything up and I was grateful for that. I didn't even know what I would say if he did. I mean, I couldn't even figure out why it had affected me so much. It was the complete opposite of being locked up, right? So why did everything remind me of him?

One thing was really glad of was that this panic thing hadn’t happened in front of the Weasleys. Mrs. Weasley would not stop obsessing over me and I would have gotten annoyed and then felt guilty that I was annoyed because she cared about me.

Dumbledore dropped in once after that to let us know that the Weasleys would be here on July 24 and that Harry would be coming a week after that when members of the order go to pick him up. then the next meeting would be on August 3rd. Because it was only June 29, that felt like so far away.

Before he left though, Dumbledore talked to me.

“Sir?” I asked.

“During the first meeting, you brought up the weapon and the prophecy. Have you mentioned it to anyone else?”

I figured he was talking about the Weasleys.

“No sir. I mentioned the weapon to Harry and Ron and Hermione on the train, but I didn’t bring up the prophecy. I didn’t think you wanted me to.”

"The weapon, it’s an important development. I’ve been keeping so many things from so many people, I’m afraid- I don’t want to do it anymore.”

I was confused. “Why would you want to tell me though?” I asked and realized it definitely sounded disrespectful. “sorry sir, I just meant-“

He put a hand up. “I think you’re strong and very important. Why wouldn’t I tell you?”

That made me want to cry but I didn’t.

“The weapon, I believe it is real. I’ve looked for it, but I haven’t found it- yet at least. Did he mention anything else about it?”

“He- he seemed to think that the weapon is in my father's vault. I don’t know though. I’ve never been in the vault. I’m honestly not even sure it’s real.”

Dumbledore nodded seriously. “And the prophecy?”

“I didn’t even know it was a prophecy. Which means Barty didn’t either. I’m sorry.”

But Dumbledore shook his head.

“The time is coming rose. Harry’s growing older, and soon it will be time for him to learn the truth. It’s not the time yet though. He’s still young. But Voldemort is out there and the ministry isn’t   
taking it seriously.”

I nodded. I knew all of this.

“I know Sirius is taking it hard being in here. But it’s for his own good. You have to believe that.”

I nodded again thinking about my promise to him that one day he’d be able to leave the house.

“I will see you on August 3rd. And I’m sorry to have to ask you this, but- don’t mention the prophecy. To anyone.” he said right before disapperating.

“Ok,” I muttered to myself.

“What did he want?” Sirius asked biting into a carrot coming out of the kitchen. I took the carrot from his and sat down on the couch.

“Just to see how we were doing.” I lied biting into the carrot.

“Right, and he had to do that without me?”

“Fine. he was asking about me. About what I said at the last order meeting.”

“The weapon?” he took the carrot back and bit into it.

“Yeah, he said he couldn’t find it anymore. But Sirius, he told me not to tell anyone. So don’t mention it to Harry. please.”

Sirius locked his lips and pretended to throw away the keys.

“I won’t. Not that I would be allowed to by Mrs. Weaslyer anyway. Remember the fuss she made about letting you be at the first meeting even though Dumbledore had asked you to speak about what you knew?” 

Yeah, I remembered that vividly, but tried not to think about anything as sat next to him to watch whatever was on the tv. I could tell he looked over at me a couple of times with a look of concern but I pretended not to notice.

Every day with Sirius black was different than the day before. I had so much fun just being around him. He made me laugh, and told me stories about his youth which I listened to intently. He was a terrible cook in the beginning, but slowly, with my help, he got so much better. We cleaned a couple more rooms, even though we didn’t really need to. Remus Lupin dropped by every few days and Sirius's face always lit up just a little more every time Remus came by. I loved that, but I couldn’t help thinking about Ron and how he had said he and Ginny would try to stop by once a week. I guess their parents thought it was too dangerous to travel through the floor network, or maybe they just had too much to do, but neither of them stopped by. Hermione’s notes were interesting to read. Since she figured this was the last summer that they could travel safely, she and her parents had gone on a month-long trek across the world, they weren’t even due to come home until July 10th. I looked at her pictures and smiled. She was visiting all the places I wanted to go to but would probably never get the chance. I showed them to Sirius too so he could enjoy the scenery.

Over the next four days, something mounted inside of me, it wasn’t dread, really. But on July 3rd, when I woke up, the knot in my chest was the tightest it had ever been and I knew why. It was   
exactly one month after I was found.

It was fine right? It’s been a month since I got out. That was a good thing? But at the same time, it was a month since Voldemort came back. A month since I realized that even after the actual horror part was over, I’d never be the same. The fact that it had been a month but I was in almost exactly the same place I was anxiety-wise a month ago made me feel even worse.

I didn’t go down that morning, so Sirius made lunch. I could smell that it was good, so I went downstairs so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings. But I couldn’t really eat. I just picked at the food that he   
had placed in front of me.

“What’s wrong?” he asked finally when he had finished his second helping and I had barely touched the baked macaroni.

“Nothing.” I tried to sound nonchalant but Sirius raised an eyebrow.

I sighed. “Fine, it’s just- stupid- but it’s been a month. Since Voldemort came back.”

I looked down.

“And you’re worried?” Sirius asked skeptically incorrectly reading what I was feeling. “Because we haven’t heard anything from him?”

I didn’t say anything.

“No, that’s not it,” he said looking at me more imploringly. “It’s been a month, and you feel exactly like you did when you first got out.”

I had been staring at the plate but at those words, I looked up.

“What did you say?” I asked.

“It’s ok to feel like that,” he said quietly. “It’s been two years for me, and. Well, I’m still not completely ok.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I asked.

“Everyone heals at their own pace,” he said. “And you can’t determine anything with how you feel right now.”

I looked away again. He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t, right either. How could he compare his stint in Azkaban to what happened to me? The terrible voice in my head wanted to tell him that.   
Wanted to yell him that he had been arrested for a crime, he had been put in prison, yes, but he hadn’t been, tortured, well. Not like i had been. But I didn’t say any of that. It would have been a   
disgusting thing to say and Sirius was hurting in his own way. I wasn’t sure exactly how prison had affected him, but he didn’t sleep either.

“Do you want to know why I accepted your offer to come to stay with you last summer?” he asked.

“You said because you wanted a place to go home,” I replied.

“Well, yes, but. Do you know why I accepted /your/ offer,” he repeated.

“Come on Sirius, you were a wanted murderer whose innocence only a few people believed. It’s not like you had much of a choice.”

“That’s not the point. I had Buckbeak. I could have gone where I went during the year sooner. I accepted your offer because you followed me.”

“Yes, I remember that night vividly,” I said with a humorless laugh. “I got in so much trouble, McGonagall basically grounded me, I lost 75 points for Gryffindor and Hermione didn’t talk to me for a couple of days after. And if you had been a murderer that would have ended great for me.”

“No, I don’t believe that you would have followed me without thinking,” he said. “You may have only taken a second, but you didn’t follow me without thinking. I’ve gone over it over and over again. Why would this 13-year-old girl follow someone whom she thought to be a murderer in the middle of the night?”

I stared at him. “Why are you bringing this up now?” I asked quietly.

“Because of what you said,” he said. “You’re worried because it’s been a month and you’re scared to leave the house.”

I raised an eyebrow but he just said “oh come on, as if I didn’t notice what happened after you came back. Besides, you mentioned it on the first day itself to Mrs. Weasley.” he went quiet. Even I had forgotten I had said it out loud to her. I kind of wanted to smile knowing that he had remembered, but it wouldn't come naturally.

“The point is,” he said after a second. “You were so strong and brave. And I think that if you could see that girl now, the one who followed me, the one who believed in my innocence before anyone else, even before Remus Lupin, my best friend, I think you would see that you’re still her. That she’s still a part of you. And even though you feel lost right now. She’ll always be there. And she’s the reason you’re alive right now.” he added. “/You’re/ the reason you’re alive right now.”

I closed my eyes. What I had done by following him was incredibly reckless, but in some way, that perseverance, that was what had kept me alive even through everything Barty had done. It wasn’t something I could explain. But he was right, it was inside of me.

“Do you think I’ll find it again?” I asked quietly. Sirius knew me better than most people. It wasn’t because we’d been through similar things. It was because we were most alike.

“I don’t think you ever lost it.” he said with a small smile. “You feel lost, and that’s ok. But you haven’t lost anything.”

I smiled a little too. It wasn’t even forced. But when he got up and cleared the dishes, I just sat there.


	10. Chapter 10

After the kitchen was clean which Sirius finished with a mere flick of his wand, he looked tired. I told him to upstairs and take a nap, but he didn’t want to leave me alone. Not at that moment anyway. But I told him that I would be fine, that I was probably going to do the same thing anyway. When he finally agreed, I watched him walk up the stairs a little sadly. I felt better after what he said, but, I still couldn’t sleep. I kind of wanted the room to be freezing so I could cuddle up under a blanket and just stare at the tv without actually absorbing anything that was playing. But it wasn’t, and I was feeling jittery anyway. I couldn’t explain it, but the claustrophobic nature of the chest hadn’t completely gone away and sometimes, I still felt like the walls were closing it. but moving helped a little so that hour, when Sirius was upstairs in his room, probably asleep, I walked all over the house.

When I got to a room in the basement, I heard a thumping noise. I knew that there was no one in the house other than Kreacher and I hadn’t seen him in a long time. I knew that he wasn’t allowed near me, but if he was stuck in a cabinet or something- I couldn’t let him continue to be stuck, so I went down the stairs and found the source of the thumping noise.

There was a wardrobe that was rattling. It wasn’t Kreacher. I knew it wasn’t Kreacher. There were a lot of other creatures stuck around the house though. It was one of the reasons why Mrs. Weasley had told me to be careful. Even when the Weasley kids were giving me a tour of the house, we heard loud thumping coming from places in the basement. It was another one of the times that I should trust my instincts and get out of there in case there was something dangerous in that cabinet. I turned around but in the second that it took me to get to the door, the door slammed shut. I rattled the doorknob but it was locked.

“Ugh of course.” I groaned. Sirius would find me eventually because it’s not like I would have left the house without telling him. But at the same time, if he was actually sleeping it could be hours. At least I was inside the house and I hadn’t opened the wardrobe. I had nothing to do but look around the room. There wasn’t much to see though. There was a rusty bicycle and a bunch of boxes covered in dust. One box had a bunch of old magazines and I wondered why dark wizards were reading magazines before I flipped through a couple and realized that all the photos of women in bikinis on motorcycles had been cut out. I’d never actually been in Sirius’ room, but I realized that that was probably where the pictures had gone. 

I laughed as I flipped through more. Now I was imagining Sirius as a serious ladies' man in Hogwarts. No wonder he never had a girlfriend. He was a player. Of all the things that I had expected, I had not seen that coming. The way he acted around Remus, I’d always thought there was something going on between those two. It was something that Sirius couldn’t come out and say, probably because he was worried about how people would react. He grew up in the conservative nature of this restrictive house. But at the same time, having posters of men would have pissed his mom off even more and he obviously didn’t care about getting disowned. Still, my eyes lingered on the lingerie models still remaining in the magazine a little too long.

As I dropped the magazine back into the box and was about to turn to find something else to do, someone came up behind me and wrapped their arms around me. My immediate instincts were to punch him in the stomach and throw him back, but then he whispered something. Something in the voice that would always haunt me. Something that made my blood go cold and made me freeze up completely.

“What?” Barty's voice whispered in my ear as he wrapped himself around me from behind. “You’re not excited to see me?”

I couldn’t move or breathe or think. This was my absolute worst nightmare. I was locked in a room again. Maybe I was right before. Maybe last month had never happened and I was still stuck in the chest with him. But could I really have disassociated from the reality so much that I created an entire month of living with Sirius? 

I couldn’t even cry though. I looked around with my eyes because I couldn’t even move my head, but I was wrong. the mattress wasn’t there. The single marble counter with the plate that could create food, was not there. My suitcase, the bathroom, the hideous brown walls closing in on me- well that was still the case but it wasn’t the chest walls. This wasn’t the chest. I was either hallucinating or- the wardrobe! The wardrobe had something inside it. I remembered a lesson from almost two years ago with Remus Lupin. He had brought something to class that rattled the box the same way. A boggart. It had gotten out somehow or maybe it always had the ability to get out but didn’t know what shape to take because no one came down here. Either way, it was out now and it had turned into my worst fear.

I closed my eyes tightly. “You’re not real,” I whispered.

Barty or the boggart unwrapped his arms from around me and turned me around.

“But I am. rose.” he/it said. “I will always be real. At least to you.”

I finally got my bearings back. I couldn’t use wizardry outside of Hogwarts but Sirius could. I banged on the door hoping he would hear, but before long Barty had grabbed me again and pinned me against the wall.

“It doesn’t matter what you do,” he said sticking his tongue out as the real Barty did.

“Stop it.” I pushed him off and he stumbled but came right back at me.

“Do you see how you don’t even think I’m really him but you’re still terrified of me? I still have complete control over you. Even though I don’t have you chained to my floor anymore.” he smiled and put his hand on my chin pulling my face up. “But darling, I thought you looked hot in chains.”

“Maybe you don't remember our first time.” he caressed my face again. “But I do. It was a very special night for me too. It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.” 

I willed myself not to cry but it didn’t work. I could actually feel myself sliding the wall but I knew if I fell down completely I’d be even more vulnerable. But Barty grabbed my shoulders and made me stand upright again.

“Do you remember?” he asked almost mockingly. “The night I threw the yule ball for you in the classroom because you couldn’t go to the real one?” Of course, I did, how could I possibly forget?

“And do you remember the gorgeous grey dress? It was what? A top and a long skirt? I wanted to get the skirt shorter, but I couldn’t find one. Maybe I should have cut it in half but I didn’t want to mess it up. I thought it was perfect just the way it was.” I had a feeling he wasn’t talking about the dress anymore the way he ran his fingers over my face as he said that last part. 

“Please stop.” I whimpered.

“Stop? It was the best night of my life. I planned it all so perfectly. It took me days to steal small pieces of decoration from the real ball and food from the kitchen without anyone noticing. The stupid house-elf, Dobby was down there and he was a free one so I knew if learned what I was doing he’d tell Dumbledore and Moody would seem awfully suspicious. Then at night, when I finally saw you in the makeup and the dress, I literally thought I was going to faint. I’d never been in love with anyone, but you. You were the one. You were able to handle everything. The two people that I went to prison for torturing? They broke in days. By the yule ball, it had been months for us. I loved you, Rose. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Our first kiss that night. I didn’t know how but I could feel every sensation in the entire universe. I felt like I was floating.”

“Stop!” I yelled straightening. “You thought that was love?” I pushed him away forcefully. “You thought you were in love with me? You don’t hurt the people you love? You take care of them!”

“And I did!” he put his hands up. I noticed that boggart Barty had tears in his eyes too but I didn't think it was from sadness. “After the yule ball. I never hurt you again. I did take care of you.”

I was full-on crying. “You didn’t hurt me after the yule ball!? That’s what you think?! You kept me locked in a chest! You forced yourself on me over and over again. That was a form of hurt! you sometimes didn’t feed me for days! That was a form of hurt! Get away from me.” I moved to the other side of the room but he followed me.

“I did not force myself onto you. You loved me. What we did, it was beautiful.”

“No. It wasn’t. It was painful. It was torture. You took a piece of me and you justify that by using the word love? You don’t even know what that means.”

But Barty boggart didn’t seem to want to hear it. “I /was/ in love with you.” he insisted again. But I was sick of it. I took this new anger or whatever it was because anger wasn’t enough to cover my feelings and banged on the door.

“Sirius get up!” I screamed. And he did. Somehow he heard me and a minute later he had opened the door and stood between me and the boggart. It changed into a dementor but Sirius conjured   
a Patronus and forced it back into the wardrobe. Then he set the wardrobe on fire. I had fallen when the dementor showed up so I was sitting against the wall with my knees curled to my face,   
unable to feel my fingers or anything else. I hated feeling this way. I was weak. Really weak. Especially in front of Sirius. But I couldn't stop shaking and sobbing and I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t unfurl from my position because the only thing holding me together was the pressure I was exerting on myself. If I even unclenched one muscle I thought I would fall apart and never be able to get put back together again. Sirius looked horrified but I couldn’t really see him. I just remembered that he sat down next to me but didn’t touch me. I just sat there shaking. What had Barty said? He had loved me? But this was a boggart talking. But the thing was right. He had stopped cutting me and cruciating me and shoving my head into a bucket of ice water and using an electric thingy every time I did something to offend him after the yule ball.   
But that wasn’t love. And if I let myself believe that that’s what love was like, even for a second, I’d never let anyone really love me.

I didn’t want to be scared anymore. fear was the reason that I couldn’t get rid of the boggart. I didn’t even think to use sorcery. The second i saw Barty i was back in the chest in Hogwarts so i couldn’t even use that magic. But somehow, I’d remembered Sirius. I’d depended on Sirius to come and save me just like I’d expected Dumbledore to save me when I was in the actual chest. This was not a happy thought but for some reason it made me stop shaking. I was supposed to be strong and powerful. I couldn’t let men control my life forever. Besides, I’d had worse experiences with Barty. I just saw him again. He didn’t do anything.

“I just saw him again. He didn’t do anything.” I croaked finally.

“What?” Sirius looked up suddenly alert but I didn’t.

“I just saw him again. He didn’t do anything,” I repeated in a whisper. I felt like I was just getting over losing my voice by the way my voice was cracking.

“You’re ok. You just saw him again.” even though he had wrapped himself around me I couldn’t let myself think about that.

“Do you. Want to try getting up?” Sirius's voice cracked which made me look up at him.

“I think I have to-, “I said as he stood up and offered his hand to me. “Because I’m going to throw up.”

I don’t even know how I made it to the bathroom. I didn’t even know my legs worked but somehow I did. It wasn’t the one in my room of course, but I still made it to a bathroom. Sirius followed me in there and held back my hair. Part of me wanted him to leave so he wouldn’t have to see this weak broken version, but he was like my older brother and I didn’t want him to leave. After I’d finally finished throwing up, I desperately wanted to get up and wash my face but my legs stopped working again.

“I’ll get you some water,” Sirius said quickly after I’d flushed the toilet. He came back with water very quickly which was barely enough time for me to even move against the wall.

“You’re going to be ok,” he whispered to me sitting down next to me. I took the water glass and drank it. it tasted gross and I regretted swallowing without washing my mouth first.

“I don’t know how it happened. Sirius.” I said. The first words that hadn’t cracked. “The door just locked. I didn’t even open the wardrobe. The thing just came out while I was looking through your magazines.”

“Oh so you saw the magazines then?” he sounded embarrassed and that was surprising to me. I wanted to smile but my mouth would not let me.

“Don’t worry Sirius. After what you just saw me do,-“

“I was just kidding,” Sirius said lightly.

“No. Thank you, for finding me when you did.”

“I should never have left you to walk the house yourself,” he said darkly. “God's Rose I’m so sorry.”

I rested my head on his shoulder holding in tears. My voice cry cracked when I said “it’s not your fault. How would you even know?”

“It’s an old house-“

“Stop. Talking. Please.” I said, I really didn’t want to know that Sirius even suspected that there might be something malicious anywhere. If I did I might never forgive him for leaving it there or at least not warning me.

“No, you’re right.” Sirius apparently got scared by my tone because he said “I didn’t know. I didn’t know there was a boggart. And I’m so sorry about what just happened.”

I still couldn’t move so I just sat there with my head on his shoulder. I felt a little bad keeping him there, but he could handle it. I really didn’t want to be alone. Then a thought came to me. Maybe I should tell Sirius about what boggart Barty had said? But then it would sound like a justification somehow, right? Like I was justifying my own kidnapper? Or maybe it would sound like learning that he actually thought he loved me even as he was doing all those things made me hate him more. I didn’t though. I didn’t hate him more. I didn’t think that was possible. He was already worse than dead. It was just his soul, wandering around. Lost somewhere. What could be worse than that? But another thought came to me. This. This feeling of absolute vulnerability or weakness, if feeling terrified of everything around every corner. This could be worse than that. And I realized I did. I did hate him more. But sitting there after just throwing up, on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor with my head rested on Sirius's shoulder, I knew I shouldn’t hate him more. Because if I did, if I let the hatred and the fear consume me then it would be I who would be worse than dead. I’d be like him.

I don’t really remember getting up off the floor and getting into bed. but I do remember that the next few days I couldn’t really get out of bed. I didn’t want to be engulfed by fear. I really didn’t. I tried so hard not to let it get to me. I managed to function after 10 months, how did barely 30 minutes fuck me up so badly?

Sirius brought me food a few times a day and stayed for a while each time trying to talk to me. I could hear him but I really didn’t have the energy to sit up and reply. I think after 4 days of me not   
even getting in the shower Sirius got really concerned because he came in all dramatically and pulled the cover off of me.

“Rose. I know you don’t want to, but please get up,” he said calmly.

I just groaned.

“Sirius. Please. Go away.”

“No, I’ve been going away. I’ve been going away every day because you've asked me to, but I can’t leave you alone anymore. You haven’t eaten anything and you haven’t moved in four days!”  
I rolled over and forced myself to sit up and Sirius smiled a little.

“Do you have anything else to say?” I asked him.

He came over encouraged that I actually replied and sat down next to me.

“I don’t know why that one day affected you worse than the last 10 months. But it doesn’t have to. There are no more boggarts in the house anymore. It’s safe.”  
Safe. I almost laughed because that word was so foreign now.

“Plus, the Weasleys are going to be here in a couple of weeks so you’ll have people you’re own age for company.”

“You’re not the problem Sirius,” I said looking up a little. I felt like he felt weird cause he was 20 years older than me, but he was the person I related to the most anyway.

“No, I know. It’s just, they’re your friends. You might feel better around them.”

“No! You can’t tell them about the boggart,” I said a little frantically and he looked taken aback.

“I wasn’t- I won’t. I promise.”

That calmed me down. “Seriously, Sirius. I’ve thought about it a lot and you can’t- Molly especially. She’ll never leave me alone. I just needed some time. But I’m good now.” I slid off the bed and got a set of clothes from the dresser. My legs felt weak because I hadn’t used them except to go to the bathroom occasionally. My hair was a tangled mess, and I hadn’t brushed my teeth or showered in four days so I knew it would be a bad kind of smell. I tried to smile at Sirius but I don’t think he bought it.

“I’m making lunch, ok? Come down whenever you’re done.”

He turned to walk out of my room, but he still looked worried even as he left.

“I am ok,” I muttered over and over again as I stepped into the shower. I brushed my teeth, multiple times since it was something I hadn’t been able to do since after I threw up. and then got dressed. I watched as the water from my hair dropped into the sink and down the drain.

I took a deep breath and opened the door of the room. The house looked larger than it ever had. It was like it was zooming out and the more I tried to focus on one thing it would zoom out more.

“There’s nothing left,” I muttered. “Nothing that can turn into Barty. Just, go down to lunch so you don’t worry Sirius too much.”

I wished Sirius didn’t care about me as much as he did. It would have been a lot easier for me. I wouldn’t have to put up a big scene. But at the same time, I was so grateful. Mrs. Weasley had left and my father was dead to me. Sirius was the only parent figure I had at that moment. Even though I saw him more like a big brother than a father, he was still very important to me. The thought of having someone who cared like he did made me want to cry, but I didn’t. I went down the stairs slowly and found Sirius in the kitchen with a towel draped over his shoulder chef style.

“Now all you need is a ‘kiss the chef’ apron and you could work at a restaurant.” I teased him from behind.

“Oh look at the big woman making jokes.” Sirius laughed a little and turned around to look at me but I could tell he was relieved that I was actually out of bed and clean.

“So, I made one of the three things I know how to cook,” he said stirring the pot.

“You did remember I’m vegetarian right?” I asked pushing him away lightly so I could take a look.

“Yeah, it’s minestrone. I’m not the cook in this house.”

“I’m not a cook either,” I said. “I just follow the book.”

“Either way. I hope you like it.”

I smiled. “Of course I’ll like it, Sirius. Thank you.”

He smiled back at me and brought out two bowls.

“Um, I’m going to make some garlic toast,” I said opening a cupboard to pull out bread and the fridge to pull out butter and garlic. “It’ll go with the soup.”

I heard him turn on the stove as I mixed the butter and the garlic and toasted the bread. Then we ate the soup in almost silence, just like every other meal.

“This is really good,” I said half-way into my second helping.

“You sound so surprised.”

“I’m not, I can see the towel over your shoulder.”

Sirius forgot to take it off so he was still eating with it. “Oops,” he said turning red and taking it off to drape it to the back of his chair.

“So, what have you been doing?” I asked casually and Sirius went quiet.

“Um, cooking mostly, then cleaning, spending time in my room.”

“Right, your room!” I exclaimed remembering the magazines. “I’ve never actually seen it.”

Sirius turned red again. “It’s really nothing special,” he said. “Just posters-“

“Hot posters?” I joked. “I mean, I saw the magazine cutouts.”

I was joking but I felt bad making fun of him, also it was too soon to bring up anything from that day because my stomach lurched. I ignored it though. I couldn’t waste another day. Ten months and four days had been enough.

“You can go in if you want,” Sirius said. “But really, it’s nothing special.”

“Sirius, can I ask you something else?” I asked

“Else?”

“Yeah, cause technically can I ask you something is a question.” I was trying to be funny but it sounded so lame.

“Sure.”

“Did you ever have a girlfriend? In Hogwarts.”

Sirius looked at me curiously. “Not really, I dated a few girls but we didn’t really click. In the end, James and Remus were all I really needed. And Peter." his voice went quiet but he continued. "When James got married, it was the happiest day of my life, whether it was his or not.”

I laughed at this. “Wow, seems like you should’ve married him instead.”

Sirius laughed “You know, Lily would always joke about that too.”

“So what were they like? As kids?” I asked “And you? What were you like as a teenager?” I rested my head on my hands with my elbows propped up on the table like I was really interested in his childhood, which I definitely was. These four teenagers had become unregistered Animagi, had created the Marauder's Map, had found secret passages in the school that even Dumbledore didn’t know about. I was incredibly impressed. I didn’t even know if Hermione and I could do that.

Sirius sort of smiled and started talking about his Hogwarts days. He didn’t talk about Peter much, even though he was one of their best friends. But the way he talked about James and Remus and then after their fifth year, about Lily. It was like I was there on their adventures, every time it was time for Remus to transform, every time they ran on the grounds on a moonlit night. Every time they went through the secret passages to the Shrieking Shack. It was amazing to listen to, but Sirius's voice was sad. He used to have so much freedom, so much spirit, but now he was stuck in the only place he hated more than anywhere else except Azkaban. That’s why he’d run away so he wouldn’t have to be here anymore. Ironic the way life worked.


	11. Chapter 11

When he was done, I could tell he was almost about to cry so I moved my chair closer to him and put an arm around him to squeeze his shoulder.

“I’m happy that I have my memories.” Sirius said. “they were the only things that got me through Azkaban. the dementors, they tried to take away my happiness and it almost worked. it almost worked every day but then I would catch a glimpse of James's smile or Remus's laugh and it would be ok again. And when I wanted to give up, I would remember how angry I was at Wormtail and the anger would keep me going in a different way.” his voice had gotten super quiet.  
tears formed in my eyes and one accidentally fell on his thigh. I wiped my eyes and looked at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too. About everything. I don’t know how things got so- so fucked up!” he looked like wanted to throw something.

“Here,” I said handing him our glass bowls.

“We’re cleaning up already?”

“No, we’re going to throw these.”

I opened the cabinets and found a bunch more plates and cups.

“Cmon” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to a room downstairs, a different one than the boggart room of course. This one I knew was empty because I had been in a few days ago. It’s where I heard the rattling coming from next door.

I handed him a bowl.

“Go ahead, throw it.”

Sirius reluctantly took the plate from me and smashed it against the wall. I watched smiling a little. He took another one from me and continued smashing it one by one grunting each time.  
By the time he finished, he looked so much better.

“Wow that felt kind of amazing!” he half yelled. “I can’t believe that was therapeutic.”

“Yeah I saw it on a tv show once,” I said smiling

“Do you want to do it?” Sirius pulled out his wand and fixed the broken porcelain with a single wave. I watched as the pieces mesmerizingly reunited with the right pieces. I don’t know how they knew where they belonged but they did. Once they were piled up in Sirius's arms, he offered them to me but I shook my head.

“Not today,” I said. “Not today, but definitely someday.” I don’t know why. I just wasn’t ready, I was worried that if I started getting angry about something that it wouldn’t stop and I’d end up spiraling back into bed but this time I wouldn’t be able to get up no matter what.

“Ok, then do you mind if I go again?”

“Of course not. Go ahead.” I took the things and held them as Sirius threw them and fixed them one more time. When he was finally done we went back upstairs. It was getting dark outside and I had another idea.

“Sirius. Do you want to go outside?”

Sirius looked appalled.

“Look, it’s dark outside, so all you really need is to wear black clothes and we needn’t go far. Let’s just go out to the front of the building, get some fresh air. Once the Weasleys come there’s no way Mr. and Mrs. Weasley will let you do it."

A mischievous smile crept onto Sirius's face. “Yeah. Let me just go get changed.”

I rolled my eyes and smiled as he bounded up the stairs looking kind of like a dog with all that thick curly hair. I really liked being with him. I had realized that one thing in the last month. In fact, I didn’t know how I was going to go back to Hogwarts- but not going back wasn’t even an option, right? I had to go back, but I didn’t know if I would be able to. Either way, I had almost two months left to decide.

Sirius came running down the stairs wearing all black a black scarf that covered the bottom half of his face, sunglasses, and a hat.

“Ok, first of all, it’s the middle of summer,” I said looking at his get-up. “And it’s dark. You’re going to look more suspicious with the sunglasses. Keep the hat though.” I unwrapped the scarf from around his neck and took the sunglasses off and pretended to admire him like he was a sculpture and I was the one who created him.

“Perfect.”

“Perfect? What if someone sees my face?”

“Then I guess we get on Buckbeak and fly away again.”

“We?”

“Yeah,” I said without even thinking about it. “I’m not leaving you alone. You wouldn’t even be able to feed yourself, you only know how to cook two things. But don’t worry. We won’t have to, because no one is going to see you.”

“Three,” he said quietly and I laughed.

“Actually soup doesn’t count.”

I took a deep breath and opened the door, then, I grabbed his hand and we walked outside. Even though it was summer, there was still a cool breeze in the air. It smelled amazing, or at least better than inside. 

“Can we- walk down the street?” Sirius asked. “This street is kind of the only thing I liked about living here.”

“Yeah, of course.”

There was no one outside, I guess people were spending their Saturday afternoon inside because we didn’t run into anyone. And even if we had, the odds that a random muggle would have recognized a face from their news from almost two years ago was low. If there were any wizards- well the wizard wanted posters were still up so they might find it easier to recognize him. I wasn’t so against taking their memories though if it came to that. I didn’t mention it to Sirius because I didn’t want him to be reckless, but still. That was the least I could do- if I could in fact do it. 

We walked for about fifteen minutes. It was actually starting to get cold outside. There was a small fountain at the end of the street.

Sirius stopped at it and ran his hands over the carvings. Even though it was just a street fountain, someone had put effort into it. Even in the dark, I could make out dolphins and mermaids and waves under the light of the street lamps.

“This is so pretty,” I whispered.

“I know. this was my favorite thing as a child. My brother and I would spend hours at this fountain. Of course, before, it was surrounded by nature, not buildings, but still.”

I looked around trying to imagine a small forest, squirrels, and chipmunks running around, birds drinking from the clear water in the fountain. A young Sirius coming here with his brother, spending hours splashing water at each other and going home to take a warm shower and drink hot cocoa. I knew that was probably not the reality. The reality was more likely that Sirius and his brother ran away from their abusive mother and stayed here so they could stay away from her for a while.

Suddenly I felt an overwhelming urge to give him a hug but I wasn’t sure he’d appreciate that. He’d think that I felt bad for him and I did, but I didn’t pity him. Then it would be a big thing so I controlled the urge.

After a while, even though I was reluctant to say it, I asked him if we should head back.

Sirius looked sad again, I felt like he was actually feeling something that didn’t have to do with the constant pain that I knew he was in because so was I, still he nodded, and I linked my arm through his and we walked home again in silence.

Two weeks before the Weasleys were supposed to arrive, we heard the terrible news. Sirius woke me up sort of a panic, Dumbledore was downstairs. I woke up and ran downstairs.

"Professor?”

“The Weasleys will be here today,” he said calmly. “There’s been an incident with Harry. There was a dementor attack and Harry- he had to use magic to produce a Patronus.”

“Oh.” My stomach dropped.

“The ministry has expelled him for now but I am on my way there to convince them to give him a trial. We will have to bring Harry here sooner than expected. And guys,” he said seriously. “He’s not going to be happy about any of it. I’m afraid- we’ll, it’s not important now. But the silence, you have to believe it’s for his own good.” Then he disapparated.

“Ugh, why does he keep saying and doing things halfway and then just leaving?” I said seriously irritated. “Dementors went after Harry? And the ministry expelled him for using magic to produce a Patronus charm? That’s ridiculous!” This made me angry, it was like irritation and anger that I hadn’t felt before. Now was the time that I wanted to smash the plates.

“I expect the Ministry is mad at Harry for claiming that Voldemort is back,” Sirius said sounding calm but worried. “They were probably just waiting for a reason to throw him out and this was an easy justification.”

“And Dumbledore! He keeps saying ‘don’t tell Harry anything!’ what’s the fucking point of not telling him anything? He was the one who actually had to go through the night at the graveyard!”

“Well, Dumbledore has his reasons.”

I stopped and looked at him, my voice got lower. “Right, the same ‘reasons’ that he had for you being stuck here in your hated childhood home right?”

I didn’t mean to say it, there was no point in attacking Sirius, but I wanted to be mad at someone, and it was really easy to be mad at Dumbledore.

“I’m sorry,” I said but I didn’t really mean it. “It’s just, I spent all of last year believing Harry was going to be murdered by Voldemort and I couldn’t do anything about it. Now, dementors are after Harry, and Voldemort's supporters are out there and he’s in trouble and we’re just- stuck in here again. Unable to stop anything.” I was hyperventilating, and Sirius didn’t know what to say. Instead, he walked into the kitchen and brought out the plates.

“Do you think it’s time now?”

“Hell yes!”

I grabbed the plates and ran downstairs, without even waiting for Sirius I took the top plate off the stack and smashed it hard as I could. He followed me down and grabbed the plates and held them while I kept throwing the plates at the wall. It was amazing. It was so much anger and fear and irritation that I had at the world. I didn’t even realize that I was screaming and breathing hard until I finished smashing all of it.

“Again?” Sirius asked and I nodded vigorously. He fixed the plates and I did it again. And again. I had smashed about 50 plates when it was finally out of my system.

I calmed my breathing and looked at the mess I had made with the plates.

“I’m good now.” I breathed.

Sirius nodded and cleaned up the plates.

“Good that this happened before the Weasleys arrived,” Sirius said with the air of a joke but that jolted me.

“The Weasleys!” I exclaimed my eyes widening. I grabbed his hand and pulled him upstairs into the kitchen.

“You clean the kitchen and I’ll clean the living room!” I yelled already walking out. If Mrs. Weasley saw the dirty dishes in the sink and the half-eaten bags of chips and crumbs on the couch she was going to freak out worse than I just had.

I put everything into a white garbage bag as quickly as I could but Sirius had already finished because he could use magic and came to help me. Minutes later, the whole place was clean just like she had left it.

“Ok, a couple more things.” I pulled Sirius down on the couch next to me and said seriously. “1. We do not mention the boggart.”

Sirius nodded but I wasn’t sure he understood how important it was that he did not tell them.

“I’m serious.”

“I thought I was Sirius.”

“Ok, now is not the time for jokes. No boggart, no talking about the freak out both of us had,” he pointed to himself and mouthed the words "me?" and "freak out? " But I impatiently waved my hands and said “You threw the plates too? Anyway, no mentioning that. And no mentioning the time we went outside a few nights ago. She’ll freak out and it won’t be good for either of us unless you /want/ to be on the receiving end of one of her ‘responsibility’ lectures.”

Sirius grabbed my hands to calm me down. “Yeah, Rose I know all of this. Believe me, I’ve done my fair share of hiding the truth.”

“Ok good.” I was calm and ready. “So should we go wait for them in the room or?”

“I mean, it could take hours for them to actually be here.”

“Hold on- Dumbledore said Harry would be arriving sooner than expected. D’you think he’s coming by floo powder as well?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think he can. The Ministry monitors floo networks connected to muggle’s houses.”

“Really?” I started pacing. “Then by flight?”

“Flight?”

“Do you think he could get on an airplane? I mean, how far away is this place from Number Four Privet Drive?”

“Rose. I seriously have no idea, maybe we should just wait for Dumbledore-“

“No!” I interrupted stamping my foot. “No! I’m so tired of waiting for Dumbledore. Look he may think he knows everything but he doesn’t. Sometimes he can know absolutely nothing!”

“So I see we’re still mad at Dumbledore then?” a voice came from the doorway. I turned around surprised because I did not hear the Weasleys come in through the fireplace.

“Ron?” I asked running towards him to give him a hug. He was still carrying his luggage so it was awkward but I didn’t care. One by one the Weasleys came in and Sirius and I greeted all of them.

“We didn’t hear you come in-“I started but Arthur interrupted me.

“The ministry is monitoring all the floo networks so we couldn’t risk coming through it. Especially to this place. So we drove.”

“How was the trip?”

“It was fine dear. How has everything been here?”

“Great!” I said with fake enthusiasm

“Really?” up until that point, he was moving all the luggage upstairs but he paused and looked at me. “You’re ok? And Sirius?”

“We’re both fine. seriously.”

Sirius walked to us, the rest of the Weasleys had gone upstairs to their rooms and Molly had gone straight to see how clean we were keeping the living room and kitchen.

“Have you heard anything about Harry?” I asked Mr. Weasley when it was just me him and Sirius. Mr. Weasley wiped his face with a handkerchief.

“I think Dumbledore is at the ministry right now,” he said. “He’s trying to get Harry a court date.”

“But- the dementors,” Sirius asked. “They’re controlled by the ministry right?”

  
Mr. Weasley shook his head. “Dementors are fowl creatures. We can’t really control them. Right now, there is an illusion that they listen to the ministry, but the ministry is filled with people who have mixed loyalties. It is impossible to say.”

Mr. Weasley looked seriously stressed so I decided to leave him alone. Sirius and I walked away and to a small room off the side of the living room.

“Why aren’t you upstairs with your friends?” Sirius asked

I threw my shoulders up. “You’re my friend” I deflected.

“No, you’re avoiding them,” he said as it was some big revelation.

“Look.” I sighed. “I don’t know- it’s just that. I’m ok. I just became ok. Especially after the huge breakdown a couple of weeks ago. They’re just going to keep asking me if I’m ok, or not bring up anything from before. I just. I can’t. Plus I’m still super pissed off at Dumbledore and Ron's going to ask me about it and then I’ll have to explain how my anger is definitely at Dumbledore because of his irresponsibility and because he’s doing to Harry exactly what he did to me...” I started crying, and Sirius came close to me and I rested my head on his chest. Normally if anyone else had wrapped themselves around me, I would have freaked out, but I was used to Sirius so I appreciated it. It took me a minute to get myself together, but eventually, I did.

“Huh, apparently I’m not as ok as I thought I was,” I muttered wiping my face. “Sorry Sirius.”

“Don’t be. It’s ok.” he pulled me out but didn’t remove his hands from my shoulders. “I’m here for you. And next time Dumbledore comes, you don’t have to see him, or you can yell at him.”

I laughed a little and took a breath. “Yeah me yelling at Dumbledore, that’ll go over real well.”

“Fine, then I’ll yell at him for you. The point is, I’m here. If they’re being annoying, just find me, and we’ll run away from here. Maybe go south to the same place I went to last year. There was a gorgeous beach.”

I half-smiled. “Thanks, Sirius.” Then I finally walked out of the room and up the stairs to Ron's room.

“Hey!” they were all waiting in his room. I wondered if this was normal for them all to always be in the same room every time I came up. Maybe it was just for the plot's convenience.

“What took you so long to come up to us?” Ginny asked getting up to usher me in.

“I was just talking to your dad.” I half lied. “About Harry.”

“Yes it’s awful what’s happened isn’t it?” she asked.

“I think it’s more than awful,” I said. “The dementors are obviously under the ministry’s control which means that they did this deliberately to get him kicked out of school. Or- even worse, there’s a Voldemort supporter or multiple of Voldemort supporters in the ministry.”

“Well, we know that Malfoy is one. What's his name?” Ron asked snapping his fingers. “Draco's dad.”

“Lucius?” I asked.

“Yeah, but how do you know that?”

“I talked to Draco on the train back,” I said kind of tuning out.

“Hold on! Did you talk to that sleazeball? You know those guys literally attacked us in the compartment when you were gone for 30 minutes!”

“I did not know that. But Draco isn’t really that bad.”

“Ok, she’s lost her mind,” Ron said looking appalled. “What did Sirius do to you?” I looked at him irritated but I don’t think Ron understood it was about his insult to Sirius because he started explaining reasons why we hate Draco.

“... and most recently, remember the time he tried to kill Buckbeak?” Ron was standing by that time.

I stared at him because he really was committed.

“No you’re right,” I said to stop him. “Dracos a tool, but it’s his father that’s the actual bitch.”

“You can definitely say that again,” Fred said.

I don’t know why but my heart wasn’t really in this conversation. I loved these people so much and so far no one was acting weird so that was great. and normally I loved hanging out with them, but now I didn't really care about our old petty squabbles with Draco Malfoy. We had bigger problems, his dad for example.

“I know our problems with Draco were a big deal, but we have bigger ones now. There’s Voldemort out there and Harry is still stuck in Privet drive and I’m stuck here and he could be in danger and Dumbledore just left him there!” I didn’t realize but by the end, I was yelling. Everyone stared at me silently.

“I’m sorry,” I said calming down. “I blame Dumbledore ok? I mean, not completely. But there’s no way he didn’t share a little blame in this. He just got a letter with my signature on it saying that I was going home and he just accepted it? Did he even contact my father? He didn’t say anything to me. Everything he’s said to me was along the lines of ‘here’s half the information but don’t tell Harry!’ don’t tell Harry what? I don’t even know anything? He keeps dropping these half-assed stories and expecting me to just live with half the information and it has to be worse for Harry because he’s all alone in a muggle house basically being tortured and he’s in danger and could die at any moment and I’m stuck in this freaking room with no method of warning him because I’m not allowed to tell him anything that I don't even know!”

Everyone was silent as they stared at me. I was right and they knew it. Everything that Dumbledore had done, all his actions in the past year were beyond irresponsible. But no one wanted to bring up what I had just said about Dumbledore leaving me. 

“Dumbledore didn’t leave Harry.” George said quietly. I could not believe he was the first person to have the courage to talk. I thought for sure it would have been Ginny who broke the silence. Either way, I was ready to get up and out of there. “He wouldn’t do that.”

“He was attacked by a dementor. What if it had been a Death Eater,” I asked realistically.

Then we were all silent.

“I’m sorry for -what I said,” I said after a while. “I didn't mean to scare you, it’s just when I was in the chest, I knew what Barty was doing. The end goal to get Harry to the graveyard I mean. I spent the entire year thinking he was going to die and I couldn’t get out of there to warn him. Even when I got out, the first thing I noticed was that Harry was alive and it was a huge relief. If he had died- I don’t know if I could’ve lived with it.”

“But, it’s not your fault. not being able to warn Harry? That’s not your fault. Nothing about that whole situation was your fault.” Ginny said sitting right next to me.

I looked at her. She was so soft and she really cared, but she didn’t understand. It wasn’t about blame. Well, it was, but I was so useless. So goddamn useless. I was supposed to be a powerful sorceress, a powerful wizard, but without my sorcery, I had succumbed to nothing. I had spent ten months cowering from a man who had no other intentions but to hurt me to the best of his abilities.

I couldn’t explain it to her so I just sighed and said “Yeah. You’re right.”

“And Harry.” Ron continued to pave over the awkward silence. “The Order's meeting tonight to come up with a plan to bring him here.”

I stood up. “The Order's meeting tonight?”

“Um, at least that’s what I heard Dad say to Mum.” Ron looked at the others.

“Dumbledore was here this morning,” I said. “He didn’t mention- but then, he hasn’t mentioned much. Why would he not tell me this.” I scoffed. “Do you know when Hermione's coming?”

Ginny and Ron looked uneasily at each other.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, she was supposed to come, after she got back from her trip, but then she was worried about leaving her parents,” Ginny said. 

“Ok, but nothing’s really happening,” I said confused. “I mean there aren’t any attacks by death eaters. We’d know if there were. plus no one believes that he’s back anyway so if his supporters were running rampant attacking people, it would defeat the purpose of the ‘element of surprise’ part of his plan.”

“You’re right.” Ginny said. “But-“

“No, I understand, I'd want to spend time with my family too. That’s why I’m here I guess.”

They smiled.

“But the Order meeting? Do you think mum will let us listen?”

“Please,” Ginny scoffed. "She barely let rose last time and they didn’t even talk about anything important.”

“Knowing Dumbledore he probably won’t today either,” I muttered.

“How do you expect he’ll plan to bring Harry?” Ron sparked the conversation and we spent the next few hours talking. I wasn’t really contributing but I was listening. I was kind of glad that I  
wasn’t alone anymore but I couldn’t do this all the time. I wondered what Sirius was doing. Maybe he was with Molly or talking to Arthur. Why was my mind wandering to what Sirius was doing? I shook my head and refocused on the conversation when Mrs. Weasley called us down for dinner.

  
She pulled me aside and told me there was going to be another meeting tonight but I was not allowed to attend, I started protesting but she shut me down really quickly.

“Sorry dear, but this time it came straight from Dumbledore,” she said and she walked away to sit down.

I didn’t see the point in arguing but I was starting to hate Dumbledore even more. My father wasn’t there, and Barty was basically dead which meant the only person left to be mad at was him: The Great Professor, the only wizard Voldemort ever feared, and I was starting to want to punch him in the face more and more. A part of me was glad that I didn’t have to go to the Order meeting. I was worried that if I had to see his stupid half-moon spectacles I’d smash them into his face or if I saw the absurdly long beard I’d rip it off his chin. Seriously, no one needed a beard that long.

I guess I was clenching my spoon too hard or something during dinner because Sirius nudged my leg with his. Immediately I unclenched my hand and realized I had not been paying attention to the conversation at all. The food was amazing though. I realized how much I had missed Mrs. Weasley's cooking. I mean no matter how good mine was, it just hit different when your mom cooked it for you, and sure Sirius helped but it wasn’t really the same. Mrs. Weasley was talking about how they had put up the protective measures around their house and then Mr. Weasley started talking about Harry.

“Dumbledore will give us the full details tonight at the Order meeting- and before any of you say anything, if you are under the age of 18 years old you may not attend the meeting and that is final,” he added because everyone looked like they were about to ask if they could join.

“18? But Dad!” Fred protested.

“17 is the legal adult age for wizards!” George finished.

“Sorry boys, this comes straight from Dumbledore. He thinks it’s important that witches and wizards who join the order have already graduated from school.” Arthur said and my spoon clattered making a loud noise as it hit the glass plate that I had just shattered that morning.

“Sorry,” I said smiling and picking up the metal spoon again. “It slipped.” Everyone else went back to eating but Sirius kept looking at me concerned.

“it’s 7 so you all have to go up to your rooms after dinner. The order is expected to meet at 8.” Mrs. Weasley said matter-of-factly.

“But Mrs. Weasley,” I said. “You’ll tell us about Harry, won’t you? About how Harry is going to get here?”

“Yes dear, I'm sure we can tell you that.”

“Great thanks!” I said a little sarcastically and she seemed to notice because she said

“I’m sorry guys, but it is what it is. You’re simply not old enough-.”

“But we are old enough mum!” whined Fred

“Yeah!” George agreed.

Mrs. Weasley sighed.

After dinner, we helped clear the plates, and then the kids had to go upstairs. Before I could go though, Sirius pulled me into the same small room at the bottom of the staircase.

“Hey. How’s it going?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Not bad actually. They haven’t gone silent at every single thing. Even when I said the word ‘chest’.”

“That’s good right?” Sirius encouraged.

“Yeah, it’s great, but apparently Hermione's not coming?”

Sirius shrugged. “I didn’t know about that but maybe she doesn’t know about what happened with Harry. Maybe if she finds out she’ll come to support him.” I thought about writing her a letter  
but I didn’t want that to be the reason she left her parents to come here and I’m sure Harry wouldn’t want that either.

“I um, forgot to ask earlier,” I said to Sirius. “Did you write to Harry?”

Sirius nodded. “I couldn’t tell him much obviously because of Dumbl- the guy with the beard? So I told him to sit still and that everything would be fine.”

“Great. so you basically lied to him. Why would you do that? For Dumbledore? Why would you lie to your own godson, the boy who trusts you most out of everyone, just to keep some big secret for freaking Dumbledore? I mean what has he ever done for you except restrict your freedom by locking you up in here?”

“I know it's not the best,” Sirius whispered. “But I don’t have any real information to give Harry anyway, and panicking him even more, that’s not the right move right now. So I told him it’ll be ok and that he just has to sit tight.”

“And we’re just accepting that Dumbledore will do what’s best for us?” I asked.

“Why wouldn’t he?”

“Not because he would intentionally do anything bad. But, he doesn’t know everything. He thinks he knows everything but he doesn’t, and that’s the worst kind of wizard. Besides what do we even really know about him?” The words were coming out of my mouth faster than I could even think them. “He was the only wizard Voldemort feared? So what did he do that was so scary? Have you ever thought about that? This super-powerful dark wizard goes around killing and torturing countless innocent people and we just accept that he was afraid of Dumbledore?”

“Stop,” Sirius said sharply and I did because he never used that tone with me before. “I know you’re angry with him right now. Believe me, I am too. But we can not start mistrusting him right now. He was feared because he was powerful, he had more power, he just didn’t use it for evil. The first time, the Order of the Phoenix, he put the group together by assembling forces, he protected James, and Lily, and Harry. Or at least he meant to, and his protection would have worked but no one saw Peter coming. I do trust him. He has our best interests at heart. He’s made mistakes sure, but ultimately I don’t believe he’s trying to hurt us.” He was talking in sort of a whisper but you could still tell how his voice sounded, and right now, it sounded as if he did not even really believe what he was saying. 

I shook my head and looked down ashamed of how I’d just gone off.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” I had forgotten that he protected James and Lily, mostly because look how that turned out. 

“No, it’s ok. you’re mad at him. I think he knows that too. I think he believes that he deserves it, but don’t stop trusting him. It’s hard right now. But he deserves at least that.”

Sirius walked out of the room as I stared after him, appalled.

Trust him? How could I trust him? He hadn’t even- couldn’t even make sure that a Hogwarts student had actually gotten back on the train. Even though anger was an emotion I really didn’t want to feel, I thought it would be ok to allow myself to be mad at one person right? I was no longer mad at my father, no longer even mad at Barty because of the fact that I was trying to forget he existed. But I couldn't just stop being mad at Dumbledore like it was a switch. He was the headmaster. He should have been more responsible. I stamped my foot and walked upstairs before I could run into him or any other foreign members of the Order.

I met up with the Weasleys.

“Did any of you write to Harry?” I asked as the first thing when I walked into the room.

“I did.” Ron said, “And so did Dad.”

“Ok, and Sirius did too,” I said a little relieved. I just didn’t want him to have anyone to have not contacted him.

“Did you write Hermione?” I asked.

Ginny nodded her head.

“As soon as we heard.”

“Ss she. Coming?” I asked slowly because I wanted her to but I didn’t want them to feel like they weren’t enough.

Shee hasn’t sent a reply yet.” Ron said. “You didn’t write either of them?”

I shook my head and jumped onto his bed. “I don’t want to lie to Harry, and there’s nothing I can tell him that he doesn’t already know-“

“Lie?” Ginny sat next to me.

“You know. 'It’s all going to be ok.' ” I said immediately adding air quotes around it.

“Wow. That’s dark.” Ron joked.

I laughed a little.

Fred and George didn’t join us. I supposed they were in their own room inventing more joke shop items.


	12. Chapter 12

The meeting ended just when Mrs. Weasley said it would. we could hear everyone leaving but I wanted to stay in the room just a little longer to make extra sure that Dumbledore was gone before I went down to ask how we were going to bring Harry back.

Turns out I didn’t even have to because Mrs. Weasley called us down herself.

We eagerly bounded downstairs.

“So, how’s Harry coming then?” Ron called before we even reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Sit down.” Mrs. Weasley beckoned us to the seats. She, Arthur, and Sirius were the only ones there as we went to sit down. I pointedly avoided looking at Sirius.

“Harry, as he cannot arrive by Floo powder or apparition, will be arriving by broomstick.” Mr. Weasley said without any other information.

I sighed a little annoyed. “Is that all you can tell us?”

“There’s not much to tell, it’ll be Mad-Eye Moody, and a couple of other order members who will be apparating there with the brooms and they’ll be flying back tomorrow. Mr. Weasley said, wiping his face with a handkerchief.

I stood up. “And I suppose there’s no way, we could go?” I asked lightly already knowing the answer.

“I’m afraid not!” Mrs. Weasley exclaimed. “It’s all been planned out.”

“Right.” I muttered. “should we go then?” I turned around to Ron and Ginny who were looking surprised at me.

They half nodded but Mrs. Weasley asked to talk to me. I thought I was in trouble for being rude but I followed her into the kitchen anyway prepared to defend myself.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Weasley but-“

But she hadn’t heard me. “Harry’s coming tomorrow,” she said and I nodded.

“I know,” I said.

“Yes, but that means Alastor will be here too.”

Oh, she was preparing me? Maybe warning. I wasn’t sure.

“Thanks, Mrs. Weasley,” I said. “But it’s fine, really. I’ve seen him before. Besides, in the chest, he didn’t really look like Moody anyway.”

“Well dear, still.-“

“Thanks,” I said quickly. “Thanks, Mrs. Weasley. Is that all then?”

She nodded but she looked quite somber.

I turned around and walked out.

I told the Weasleys good night and went to my room just to kick things around. I couldn’t sleep. I had seen Alastor Moody, during the feast, during the last order meeting, but this time it was different. It was like after seeing the boggart turn into Barty Crouch. The things he had said to me, I couldn't do anything. I felt completely empty and powerless. I took a deep breath. I never wanted to use sorcery but at that moment. I couldn’t help it. I just needed to feel- in control of something, I guess. I looked down at my hands and bent my fingers trying to summon some magic, but it wouldn’t come. I knew I shouldn't have tried. Nothing good could have come from it, but the fact that it just wasn’t working? That was far worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. It was like I was empty. A force that I had never needed to use but could always be sure that it was was no longer there. Could I even be sure if anything then? I didn't need it right? I didn't even use it. I meant it when I had told Sirius it was too easy to lose control, but this wasn’t in my control. I’d always taken a little comfort in knowing that I had the ability to use it but I didn't. It was the feeling of being in control of myself. but now, it just wasn’t working? It wasn’t fair. After everything, my sorcery not working was just a reminder. Even though I'd never used it, I had a feeling I hadn't actually lost it until a couple of months ago. It never worked in Hogwarts anyway, but there was no reason for it not to work now-other than the one explanation I could come up with, leading with the word broken.

I threw a pillow and grunted. I wanted to cry again. It was like Barty was with me all over again. Completely powerless. It wasn’t as if I had the pathological need to control every aspect of the situation. I didn’t. It’s why I had followed Sirius that night. I had no idea what would have happened. But this was different. I didn’t need to control the situation I was in because I could always control myself. Just knowing that I had the ability to be powerful, to be a sorceress, but I had never taken it? That was enough. and now-? I didn’t know why my sorcery wasn’t working. For a second, I realized that my father would know. I even considered writing him a letter, but I didn’t even know if he would reply if I did send him a letter. He hadn’t even realized the absence of my letters for almost an entire year.

Maybe I should ask Hermione. But she didn’t know I had sorcery. No one did. Except for Sirius.  I groaned. I had told Sirius about my sorcery in a moment of weakness. What if he told Dumbledore because he was worried about me? But he wouldn’t do that right? He wouldn’t betray my trust like that. Besides, I hadn’t done anything that was a cause for too much concern. Why should he worried about me?

“I’m fine!” I yelled at myself without even realizing it, but I had thrown another pillow at the wall. I sat down and put my head in my hands.

I tried not to freak out. “Just go to sleep and wake up, and it’ll be back.”

But I didn’t sleep that night. I lay awake in bed imagining how my entire life could have fallen apart this badly. How one man had managed to have such a lasting effect. I didn’t even know it was possible for me to lose my magic. I honestly was not even surprised when I tried the next morning and it still didn’t work. I didn’t know if my wizardry would work, especially because I couldn’t use it outside of Hogwarts anyway. But somehow, a part of me knew that it wouldn’t.

I tried to ignore the thought. I wouldn’t know for sure for another few weeks anyway. But the lack of sorcery, no matter how much I claimed to not need it, made me feel vulnerable, almost to the point where I didn’t even want to get out of bed. But this wasn’t the time to process my emotions the same way I had after boggart Barty. Even if I didn’t want to get out of bed for myself, I had to for Mrs. Weasley who would take it personally and incredibly seriously if I didn’t.

I was trembling from head to foot but I still managed to get out of bed and get dressed. There was no point in letting this ruin my summer. Whatever would happen was going to happen anyway. But it was harder for me to accept that, now that I didn’t have sorcery.

The day went by so slowly. The order members who were supposed to recruit Harry showed up at Grimmauld Place and decided to leave from there. we got a letter from Hermione saying she would be here as soon as she could, and she did end up coming just a couple of hours before Harry. Her parents dropped her off in their car at the end of the street so Mrs. Weasley had to go bring her in. I was happy to see her but it wasn’t quite what I had remembered. She was acting differently. She hadn't seen me since the feast so she was acting the same way the Weasleys had on the first day of vacation.

I sighed and just accepted that this was probably how everyone would act around me now.

Harry showed up at 6 pm at which point all of us hugged him. He didn’t seem to be in a jovial mood though.

The first thing he did was talk to Sirius. I stayed back with the Weasleys and Hermione.

“Maybe we should go wait upstairs?” I whispered because I really felt like we were impeding on their privacy.

“Yes.” Hermione agreed and we all shuffled upstairs.

Harry caught up with us after a while and was really quite angry.

“No one told me anything!” he yelled. Ron and Hermione looked frightened but I sat quietly.

“Dumbledore made us promise not to tell you anything, mate,” Fred said earnestly.

“But it’s not like we had any information to tell you.” George finished.

“So you guys were just sitting here with Order meeting going on downstairs, and you know nothing?” Harry continued yelling but Ginny spoke up.

“First of all, we just got here yesterday, and secondly, there have been two Order meetings, neither of which we’ve been allowed in.”

Harry calmed down a bit.

“I’m sorry Harry,” I whispered. “We all are. It wasn’t our intention to lie to you. We really have no idea what’s going on.”

Harry looked at me for the first time and the anger in his expression completely dropped. I wish it hadn’t because it irritated me. I could feel a tugging coming from my brain but I told it to go away.

“Rose. you’re here.” he sounded surprised.

“Actually, I’m the only one who's been here.” I smiled a little.

“Oh. do you know anything then?”

I shook my head. “It’s only been me and Sirius. I was allowed at the first order meeting but there was no information. Just Dumbledore making introductions. I wasn’t allowed last night either.”

“Of course not,” he muttered. “What about the dementor attack? Anyone know how that happened?”

This time Hermione spoke. “I thought about it Harry, and the ministry, they must have traitors, or perhaps the dementors got loose themselves? Although somehow i doubt that. I feel pretty sure that the ministry is mad about you spreading what they think is a false narrative so they tried to scare you. And when you used magic, the opportunity to expel you fell into their lap perfectly.”

“BUT I’m NOT LYINg!” Harry bellowed.

“We know Harry!” Hermione said quickly, tears formed in her eyes. “But the ministry, they think you are. So that must be why.”

Seeing the tears in Hermione's eyes made Harry calm down again.

Finally, he said “Fine.” We were all silent for a minute to make sure that he wasn’t going to yell again.

Mrs. Weasley came upstairs to call us all down for dinner this time instead of yelling. After everyone else had gone down she told me that Alastor could not stay for dinner and that I could come down. I didn’t see any point in eating myself so I joined the rest of them for dinner.

Everyone was sitting around the table when Sirius asked Harry if he wanted to know what was happening.

“Absolutely not!” Molly said in a horrified sort of voice. “He’s only 15”

But Sirius wasn’t about to accept that.

“He maybe 15,” Sirius said. “But he’s been through more than a lot of us, more than some of us combined. He deserves to-“

“As much as Harry deserves to know.” Mrs. Weasley said matching Sirius's tone. “He is not of age yet and therefore cannot know.”

“We can give him some information without divulging all of it,” Sirius said and everyone looked uncomfortable. I agreed with Sirius. It was Harry after all, who was there when Voldemort actually came back. I thought it was an insult to Harry to tell him that shouldn’t know what was happening. But I kept quiet. i’d already spoken back to her once and felt immensely guilty about it. I didn’t want to get involved in this.

“Arthur-“ Molly said a little desperately. “Tell Sirius that we can’t tell Harry anything”

Arthur looked very uncomfortable much like most of the others at the table, but him especially because he couldn’t go against his wife.

“Perhaps, Sirius is right.” but it was Remus who spoke. “Molly, in no way, am I suggesting that Harry is to join the order but, perhaps we should tell him what Voldemort is up to.”

“Our main priority is to protect Harry,” Molly said hotly. “We can’t do that if we’re giving him all the information, can we?”

“You’re not his parent Molly,” Sirius said.

“Well I’m as good as!” she retorted. “Who else has he got?”

“He’s got me!” Sirius said matching her tone.

“Yes and you seem to believe that Harry is James,” she said. “You seem to think that you’ve gotten your best friend back. But he’s not James, Sirius. He’s a child!”

“I’m not a child.” I heard Harry mutter but I wasn’t sure anyone else had.

“You’re not the only person at this table who wants to keep Harry safe,” Sirius said angrily. “He’s my godson. He’s my responsibility.”

“And a good job taking responsibility for him you’ve done while you’ve been stuck in Azkaban!” Molly exclaimed and Sirius stood up.

I wished she hadn’t said that. There were a lot of things about him that she could have attacked that I would have been ok with, but it wasn’t Sirius's fault he’d ended up in Azkaban. I saw Sirius turn white and he seemed like he wanted to maybe pull out his wand, but he didn't. I wished I was sitting next to him so I could try to calm him down but I was seated next to Hermione and Ginny.

“Stop it,” Remus whispered to Sirius putting an arm on him, and Sirius responded to his touch. “Molly, you’re not the only person at this table who cares about Harry and I think we should tell Harry what’s been going on. Not all of it of course,” he added hastily looking at Molly’s absolutely murderous expression. But she calmed down too after looking around the table. She looked like she had resigned to the fact that she had been fighting for this long.

“Fine,” she whispered sitting down after Sirius had too. “Fine. I see I’m not going to get any support on this, so fine. But Ginny, upstairs. now.”

That did not make her happy but she realized that maybe talking back to her  mother when she was this mad was not a good idea. I figured I would tell her without Molly knowing about it, but I wasn’t sure how much they were actually going to say. There had only been three order meetings including tonight.

“Because we know Voldemort is back, it’s given us time to try to figure out what he wants,” Remus said carefully.

(bro honestly, I don’t feel like writing this part, but it’s pretty similar to what happened in the book, so I’m just going to continue after we had left the table)

Everyone left for bed, but tensions were kind of high. Remus had stopped Sirius from mentioning the weapon. Did that mean they knew what it was? And what about the prophecy then? I felt like they definitely knew about that. I actually thought one of the things that needed protection that they had mentioned was the prophecy. obviously, Harry was one.

Sirius looked like he had calmed down but I could tell he wasn’t completely ok. I thought about following him but I figured that would look like I was taking his side over Molly’s and I really didn’t want her to think that.

So I walked upstairs to bed. Molly had made it clear that we had to go to bed. We weren’t to sit around and talk. Still, as I went to bed, I couldn’t help thinking about the weapon, and the prophecy, and Harry. Even though i was completely flailing, I thought. that maybe Harry was the weapon everyone was so concerned about.

It made so much sense considering how Voldemort wanted Harry’s blood specifically to come back. He did have an uncanny ability to escape perilous situations, and he was pretty strong. And Voldemort did try to kill him when he was a year old. What if the prophecy said that Harry was the weapon, and that’s why Voldemort needed to hear the whole thing. At the same time though, Voldemort was already trying to kill Harry anyway, how would the prophecy change that?

My mind filled with theories trying to connect the many dots. I had to lay it all out to Hermione tomorrow. She could help me. And Sirius- I hoped he was ok. as my room was right next to him, I could hear his footsteps for hours. He didn’t sleep either. I considered going to talk to him, but people kept walking up the stairs, presumably to make sure we weren’t talking and we’d gone to sleep.

The next day Harry got a letter saying his ministry hearing would be on the 31st of July. I didn’t get a chance to talk to my friends as Mrs. Weasley kept an overly concerned watch on us.

“Oh no! that’s your birthday though.” had been Hermione's reaction.

“Well at least then it’ll be over with mate.” Ron patted him on the back. Hermione and I were sure he would be acquitted. He hadn’t done anything wrong, but still, the tension was high. The only good thing was that I was so stressed about Harry’s trial that I didn’t have time to think about my own problems.

Over the next week, I kept trying to get Harry, Ron, and Hermione alone, but every time we had a minute, either Mrs. Weasley would come and interrupt us with a task. She had decided that we were going to clean the house. There was actually a lot more in it than I expected, but I didn’t really want to. I didn’t want another Barty/boggart situation, because I didn’t know if there was another in this overly sized house. I never seemed to be alone in any of the rooms. I had a feeling that Sirius was behind that. I didn’t know what he had told everyone to make them make sure I wasn’t alone in any situation, but he clearly had said something. Luckily, he and Molly had reached an unspoken agreement not to talk about the night Harry arrived at all because they were being extremely pleasant with each other.

Harry didn’t seem to want to talk to anyone and I noticed that he was more anxious than ever. He was barely even talking to Sirius. I was avoiding Sirius too. I wasn’t mad at him exactly, but ever since he had taken Dumbledore's side over mine, it was like a feeling of betrayal that I couldn’t shake. I knew it was wrong to be mad at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. But Dumbledore wasn’t keeping things from him. He didn’t tell him about how important he was and then just disappear with no other information. Besides, Sirius knew too much about my problems anyway. it was embarrassing for me to see him in front of everyone else because I felt like they could see him looking at me like I was broken. Even though Sirius was the only one who hadn’t looked at me like I was broken. My sleep schedule was completely off. If the stress of Harry’s trial and my own lack of control of myself wasn’t enough, now both Harry’s and Sirius's screaming would pierce my own dreams. I was also keeping my revelation of Harry probably being the weapon to myself until at least after the trial, and that stress was getting to me too, but I didn’t want to make him even more anxious, and I definitely didn’t want to let Molly Weasley hear me voice my opinion.

Sometimes, the screaming got so bad that I would wake up in a cold sweat dreaming that they were with me in the chest because of the screams.

Finally, July 31st came. Mr. Weasley would take Harry to the ministry because he had to work anyway. Hermione, Ginny, and I hugged him and reassured him he had nothing to worry about, whether we believed it or not, he didn’t because he was shaking. We watched as he was ushered out the door and then there was nothing we could do but wait.

Sirius looked like he wanted to talk, but I couldn’t, so while Hermione and Ron stayed to talk to him, I went to find George and Fred. I knocked on the door and there was a small bang which made me flinch and regret knocking, but then one of the twins opened the door wearing a pair of safety goggles.

“I didn’t know wizards had to wear those,” I said pointing at the glasses as I walked into the room. The place looked like a chemistry lab and smelled like metal had been burned.

“How are you two surviving this smell?” I asked waving the air away.

“Oh, we can’t smell it,” they said together.

“Yeah, we realized clearing the air was too much work each time-“ Fred said

“So we just put a charm on ourselves to prevent us from smelling it.” George finished.

“Right,” I said looking around. “Well, I _can_ smell it so-“

“Oh.” they both waved their wands and the smell disappeared.

“So what brings you to our special lab?” Fred asked.

I shrugged. “I just wanted to see what was new in the making.”

So they gave me a tour of all of their inventions. Most of them sounded really painful, but some of them were interesting. Somethings I would buy even if wasn’t trying to get out of class.

“This is all amazing,” I exclaimed in awe.

“We're not supposed to tell anyone,” George said.

“But Harry made all this possible.” Fred finished.

I smiled. “He gave you his tournament winnings didn’t he?”

They looked surprised that I knew this but nodded.

“How did-?”

“Eh, just, felt like something he would do,” I said.

“This is amazing guys. I want to be an investor,” I said making up my mind.

“What?”

“Clearly, both of you have a skill for this and the imagination. There’s no way 1000 galleons is going to be enough for everything, so. I want to be an investor. How much ever you guys need, I have money” I said. “Too much of it, and I want to work with you guys. In exchange for 1% of the profit.” I didn’t really care about the profit, but I figured investor sounded better than bottomless funding.

Fred and George looked at each other and smiled, then looked back at me and said “We’re excited to be in business with you!” and shook my hand.

The whole thing had provided a small distraction but we still hadn’t heard anything back about Harry and even though we knew the trial could go on for a while, we didn’t think it would take all day. It was pretty straightforward, right?

Finally, after hours, Harry got home and told us that he had been acquitted. He told us about a few wizards who wanted to convict him, but the majority did not believe that he would have used the Patronus charm without reason. Especially because that charm is so specific to one thing. Mrs. Weasley has made a cake so it was a double celebration. After that, a huge weight had been lifted off of everyone’s shoulders- except mine. My sorcery was still not working and there could be no good explanation for it.

I thought about telling Hermione so many times but each time I was about to, I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure why. it’s not like she wouldn’t believe me, but sorcery was complicated, it was easy to lose control. It’s why I didn’t use it often. I couldn’t even imagine ending up like my father. And if I used it, I was afraid that I would lose control because I knew exactly how much like him I was.

I finally did get everyone alone though. One night, a few nights after Harry’s trial, Mrs. Weasley was so tired she had fallen half asleep even at the dinner table, so she went to bed early. I snuck into Harry’s and Ron's room after waking Hermione up and gesturing for her to come with me. T here was a loud gasp from Ron as we walked in and turned in the light.

“What?” Ron asked sitting up and pulling the blanket over himself instinctively.

“I have something to tell you,” I said as I sat down on Ron's bed and Hermione sat on Harry’s.

They all raised an eyebrow.

“Ok, remember the night Harry came and they mentioned a weapon at the very end?” I said carefully.

“And you mentioned the weapon on the train,” Hermione added.

I nodded. “So there’s this theory, that I’ve been thinking about. Something that- well, I don’t want to freak you out so just, don’t- ok?”

Harry looked worried but he nodded.

“I have a theory, that _you’re_ the secret weapon,” I said slowly looking at Harry to see his reaction.

He opened his mouth and then closed it. Hermione looked like she wanted to say something too but didn’t know how to phrase it.

“ _He’s_ the weapon?” Ron asked.

“I just thought it made sense,” I said quietly.

“It does,” Hermione confirmed. “I mean, You Know Who has been after Harry since he was born basically,” Hermione said clasping a hand over her mouth. “And last year, well. they specifically wanted Harry’s blood- but. How?” she asked looking terrified.

“I don’t know if this changes anything.” I said quietly trying to ease their tension. “It’s not like we didn’t know that Voldemort is after Harry.”

Harry hadn’t said a word throughout this whole thing. “Harry?” I looked at him.

“Do you know for sure?” he asked quietly. “Do you know for sure that I’m the weapon?”

I shook my head slightly feeling myself going red.

"Then why would you tell me?” he asked sounding like he was going to cry.

“I didn’t want to lie-“

“You didn’t want to lie to me?” he sounded menacing. “Which time? when no one told me someone was following me a couple of weeks ago? Or maybe it was when you found out Sirius was innocent and didn’t tell me? Or what about through the whole month that you’ve been in this house, the headquarters of the order of the phoenix but still claim not to know anything!?”

He was borderline yelling and tears formed in my eyes. At least he wasn’t afraid to yell at me though.

“Harry,” Hermione said softly putting a hand on his shoulder, but he just shook it off.

I stood up, suddenly, the sadness melted away and turned to anger. “No one's told me anything either!” I exclaimed matching his tone. “The second I realized that you might be the weapon, I told you! I’ve been stuck in this house, every time someone came by with information, Sirius would lock it up immediately. And Harry, you may deserve to freak out and be full of angst, but you don’t get to take it out on me. Or on any of us!”

Harry shut up. he opened his mouth a couple of times but didn’t say anything.

“Angst? That’s what you think?” his voice dropped. “I was stuck, in my muggle family's house. for an entire month, with absolutely no news while Hermione traveled the freaking world, and Ron got to be with his family and you got to be with Sirius. What did you and Sirius even do?” he asked in a growl. “He’s not even your godfather. He’s mine. And yet he seems so eager to spend more time with you than me!”

I stared at him in surprise at where this conversation had gone. I kind of wanted to laugh but I controlled the urge because that would just make things worse.

“Really?” I asked. “You’re mad at me because I was with Sirius? well, I can tell you one thing. My life’s no picnic either. My dad's an insane sorcerer who didn’t realize I was missing for almost a year.” I pretended to think. “Let's see what else. The one day I went home, I realized he had basically kidnapped a princess as a “price of magic.” When I go home, I can’t even go outside because the townspeople hate him and so they try to attack me. And finally, oh yeah. I was locked in a trunk by a madman for ten months. So you really want to be jealous of me because I spent a month more locked in this house with Sirius Black, who by the way barely even talked to me, we only really saw each other for meals, then please go ahead. But I just thought you should know what you are jealous of.”

That last part about Sirius was a lie but I was really mad at Harry at that moment. I couldn’t believe he would start an argument about something so childish.

Hermione and Ron looked between us terrified but Harry shut up and sat down.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered finally.

“Don’t be sorry, just stop yelling at me,” I said irritated. “I know I’ve made mistakes, but when I kept Sirius's secret from you, it was because he asked me to. Because _he_ wanted to tell you himself because no matter how much time we spend together, you’re his godson and he loves you more than anyone,” I added hoping it would make Harry feel at least a little better.

Harry nodded.

“We should go to bed,” Hermione said finally standing up after a couple of minutes. I nodded and stood up with her. That conversation had not gone exactly as I had hoped, and even though it was just my hunch about Harry being the weapon, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was right.

  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

the rest of the month went by quickly but also slowly.

I still hadn’t mentioned to anyone that my magic wasn’t working. I didn’t want to tell anyone about my sorcery, and well, I couldn’t do wizardry outside of Hogwarts so I didn’t know for sure if that had ceased to work or not.

For some reason, I couldn’t talk to Sirius. It wasn’t even the feeling of betrayal anymore. It was because of Harry. I couldn’t imagine why Harry would be jealous of me, but I guess if he was spending time with someone that I considered my mom or dad more than they were with me, I’d feel pretty bad too.

All I could do was hope Sirius hadn’t told anyone about my sorcery, but I didn’t think he would. After all, I had kept his secret from Harry.

I knew I would have to talk to him eventually because I would be leaving for Hogwarts and I didn’t want to leave with him thinking I was mad because I wasn’t. He tried to talk to me a few times but I cut him off by saying that I needed to meet up with my friends; even though we were inside the house. Hermione started warming up to me like the Weasleys had and so did Harry. But with Harry, it was different. he wasn’t angry about the dementor anymore, but there was still something off about him. It wasn’t just the way he acted with me though. He was like that with everyone. Even Sirius, even though he claimed to have the most connection to Sirius. I felt the urge to tiptoe around him like everyone was doing with me. His screams had gone down too. I don’t know how Ron slept through them, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t even as bad as before the trial, but still. One night, I could tell he was having a nightmare about me. He was screaming something about letting her go, and stop hurting her, and it couldn’t have been about his mother. I was touched but also really really sad that Harry was dreaming about what had happened. I didn’t want anyone even thinking about it. I didn’t want to think about it.

But as august 30th, approached, the knot in my stomach was growing tighter and tighter. I spent the week before throwing up, and the last two days with absolutely no sleep at all. Who would the new defense against the dark arts professor be? Surely Dumbledore would have made sure this time at least that he or she was an actual professor and not a death eater? How would I face the room again though? How would I face the students? There’s no way, that at that point, with everything that had happened on the last day, that everyone didn’t know that I hadn’t actually gone home. If people weren’t suspicious about Harry, they would certainly surround me. Right? and what if every time someone asked me a question, I’d have to relive every moment? would I even be able to handle that?

Unfortunately, much too quickly the time came to pack our bags to go back to school.

I decided that I was going back no matter what and that I wouldn’t let dumb Barty make me miss another year of my education. I'd already technically be in fourth year, but Dumbledore hadn’t spoken to me about it so I just assumed that I would be taking the O.W.Ls that year.

I was in my room folding my clothes and putting them into the new suitcase I had asked Mrs. Weasley to get because I had punched the other one so much it had broken, I don’t even know how I managed to break a suitcase, but somehow I did.

Sirius entered my room without knocking and I sighed loudly on accident.

“I get that you’ve been avoiding me for the last month,” he said quickly ignoring my irritation. “I know that you’re mad at me for defending Dumbledore.”

“I’m not,” I said violently folding a shirt. “Not mad at you at all. Believe me. I’m done being mad. I have enough anger.” and I meant it, but for some reason, it looked like Sirius didn’t believe me.

“Stop folding for a second and look at me,” he said, and I did, though a little reluctantly. I hadn’t even looked at him properly in more than a month and he looked more tired than before. There were dark circles under his eyes and even though I knew he didn't sleep much, it looked worse than ever.

“You’re leaving tomorrow.” he pointed out obviously.

I ignored this and continued folding, but then stopped.

“I am,” I said quietly. “I’m going back to Hogwarts tomorrow.”

“A year later,” Sirius added in a whisper.

“Yes.”

“Sirius,” I said after a minute. “I’m not mad at you. Really. I’m sorry I spent the last month avoiding you. It’s just, i was worried that if I talked to you, I wouldn’t stop. And I needed to stop because they aren’t like you. I can’t be what I need in front of them. That’s why I didn’t talk to you.” As I said it, I realized I was right. I was afraid I’d fall apart. Sirius was someone else to me entirely. He was something that I couldn’t explain

He nodded. “I understand. And tomorrow, you’re going to be ok.” He put his arm around my shoulder and gave me half a hug.

“And you’re folding that wrong. Let me do it.” he packed my suitcase in about twenty seconds with his wand. I seriously considered telling him that my sorcery wasn’t working. I opened my mouth to call out after him as he turned to leave but in a split second I decided not to. I don’t know what it was exactly. It wouldn’t matter for the next year anyway. Sorcery didn’t work at Hogwarts. I could figure it out next year.

The next day, we all piled into multiple taxis. I had suggested it because we couldn’t agree on another magical method of traveling. Hermione agreed with me because she knew it was the easiest way. Sirius insisted on coming in his dog form. No one thought it was a good idea, but I did. I knew he needed the walk, and even if worst case the Malfoys or other death eater families did recognize him, they wouldn’t know where he lives anyway and it was only for a couple of hours.

“Oh, are you sure you want to come with us snuffles?” Hermione asked one last time as she, Ron, Mr. Weasley, and I got into one taxi. Sirius bounded in after us as an obvious yes, and the cab driver looked at us weirdly for asking the dog a question.

“Kings Cross station.” Mr. Weasley said.

The ride was only about twenty minutes but as we got closer to the station, I was starting to feel queasiness set in.

By the time we’d gotten out and Mr. Weasley had paid the driver(with a little help from Hermione which again, the driver gave us a weird look for.) I started to realize I’d made a mistake. We hadn’t even gotten to the correct platform yet and my stomach was filling with dread. As soon as the taxi containing Fred, George, Ginny, Harry, and Mrs. Weasley arrived, we all headed to the wall that would lead us to the Hogwarts express.

I got on slowly, swelling hard, feeling myself turn red from the nausea that had set in.

“We’ll be ok,” Harry said as we boarded our luggage. I nodded. Then, we got off the train again to say goodbye to the adults. Harry spent extra time with Sirius while I watched. I wondered if I should say goodbye to him with a hug because neither Ron nor Hermione had. But I had spent extra time with him if you could even call it that. I did spend more than a month avoiding him and I didn’t want to leave without a goodbye.

“Thanks, Sirius,” I muttered quietly. I didn’t want to say snuffles. Not when this thank you meant everything. “Really, thank you. And you’re going to be ok. We both are.” it was the first time I’d said that. I hadn’t even told Harry it was going to be ok because that was a lie. I had no idea how it was going to be. I kind of wish I hadn’t said it but it felt like the right thing. Besides I had to tell myself that, or i wouldn’t believe it. And i had to believe that i was going to be ok. Especially now that I was going back to Hogwarts.

Ron and Hermione had gotten prefect letters a couple weeks before, and i didn’t take it hard at all, I knew Hermione was better than me for it, besides i didn’t really care about being a prefect. I’d been in their bathroom and it wasn’t something I wanted to relive. Harry seemed irritated that Dumbledore had looked him over and chosen Ron though. He never came out and said it, of course he wouldn’t. Ron was his best friend, he’d never say anything against him. But I knew, I knew what Harry felt when he realized Dumbledore had thought he wasn’t good enough to be a prefect.

Hermione and Ron had to go to the prefect cabin and Fred and George went off to find their own friends. I thought Ginny would too, be she ended up staying with us. When we sat down, a very out of breathe Neville came to our cabin and i opened the door for him.

“Hi Neville!” I said enthusiastically. I hadn’t seen him in more than a year and I quite liked him. His adorable bubbly personality made him the very likable idiot he portrayed himself to be. But I didn’t really believe he was an idiot. I knew he just hadn’t found his thing yet.

“Can I sit here?” he asked breathing hard. “I can’t find any other compartment that’s empty and I really cannot keep carrying this around. It’s so heavy.”

“Of course!” I exclaimed helping him with the suitcase.

Harry looked at me like he was asking if I was sure, but I was sure.

Neville sat down in front of us, next to Ginny.

“How was your summer?” I asked smiling.

Neville looked dejected “It really wasn’t interesting.” he said. “It’s just me and my gran so we couldn’t do anything. But, Gran did disappear twice over the summer. Wouldn’t tell me where she was going.”

I looked at Harry. Neville's grandmother was most likely in the Order. It was surprising to me that Nevilles grandmother fought against Voldemort but then, everyone probably did back then.

“How did your summers go?” I assumed he didn’t know about Harry getting attacked and I didn’t want to say anything so I just said “great. I didn’t really do much. Harry?”

He shook his head too. Could we tell him about Sirius? Did he know? It was hard to judge what Neville knew. He wasn’t dumb, but sometimes he could be so clueless.

“Rose. you- you’re coming back to school this year?” I looked at him and then Harry with a “what is he talking about?” look.

“Um, yeah, I guess I am?” I wasn’t sure what he’d heard. “So. can you tell me where you thought i was last year?” I asked trying to sound casual but my voice was higher. Neville didn’t really look weird or anything. I think maybe he didn’t know anything. I wondered if he was even the right person to ask.

He just shook his head. “We all thought you went home.” he said casually. “But then you showed up at the feast and we had no idea what was happening. No one told me anything so I figured you came back to talk to Dumbledore or something.”

I groaned internally. I _knew_ I shouldn’t have gone to the feast. People would have just thought that I had gone home, instead, I went to the stupid feast and sparked a conversation about where i had been. I don’t know what I had been thinking. Now i was going back to Hogwarts and i would just be around for people to talk about and stare at all the time. Maybe i should just tell then where i was? No, that was a terrible idea.

I suddenly felt claustrophobic. “I need to-“ I got up and pointed out, then without finishing the sentence I walked outside just to almost immediately run into Draco.

“What the fuck. dude!” I exclaimed.

“You should watch your language,” he said smugly. “I’m a prefect now.”

“Of course you are. Can you please move?” I said sweetly.

“Yeah, where are you going?”

“I don’t know, just, where I went last time i guess.”

“Hey, wait. How was your summer?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Do you really care or are you just trying to figure out where I was?” I asked.

“No, I really care.”

“Draco, stop,” I said irritated. I lowered my voice. “I think we both know what’s going to happen next ok. We both know Harry isn’t lying, and you’d never admit it, but we both know your father was at the graveyard that night.”

Draco took a step back. “How dare you!”

“Oh my god just stop. I don’t know why you act like such a jerk in front of-well everyone, but act nice to me.” I stepped closer to fill the distance he created when he stepped back and put out a finger. “Whatever you’re trying to get from me, information or whatever, it’s not going to work, ok? Because i am done being manipulated and I am definitely not going to tell you anything so you can run to daddy and tell him all about what’s going on in my life.”

Draco actually looked surprised. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not nice to you.”

“Ugh. Draco, please just, leave me alone.”

“Fine,” he turned to walk away but then turned back. “I’m not sure what happened to you exactly, but you’re different now. Last year, when you apologized to me, i thought, i thought you wanted to be friends.”

“You have a weird way of showing me that you want to be friends.” I said. “Because of that fact that you’re constantly insulting us? Maybe because you tried to get Buckbeak killed?”

“Ok that was like two years ago-“ Draco muttered.

“Two years-? You tried to have a living thing murdered! You’re also constantly disrespecting Hagrid, trying to get him fired. You called my best friend mud blood. Should i even go on it is that enough for me to hate you?”

Draco kind of sighed. “Fine. I’m sorry. Let’s just go back to hating each other.”

He turned to leave but stopped when I said “I don’t hate you.” He came back again,

“What was that?”

“I don’t hate you,” I repeated. “Come one. there’s no way you don’t know what happened last year, who Moody really was, where _I_ really was. I can’t hate you because I don’t want to hate anyone.”

He made a motion that looked like he was reaching for my hand but I pulled away.

“You’re a prefect, you should go,” I said quietly. I didn’t want to talk anymore. He nodded lightly and left me alone. I walked back to the compartment figuring that if Draco was out of the prefect meeting, Ron and Hermione would be too. I was right because they were sitting there with Harry, Neville and Ginny.

“Technically we're supposed to be rounding,” Ron said when I asked why he was there.

“Oh, but the other prefects- did you know Draco is one now?” Hermione asked.

“Yeah, I don’t know what Dumbledore was thinking with that one,” Ron added.

I nodded, “That’s terrible. At least you two have at least as much leverage over him as he has over you.” I said.

“Right, but that does nothing for us,” Harry said.

The train ride went on, each minute felt longer than the last. We had to change into our robes. I hadn’t worn the robes since last year. I actually started shaking as I put them on but I tried my best to hide it.

We met back in the compartment and I was silent the rest of the ride. I was sure everyone noticed but no one said anything. No one said anything about my silence as we got out of the train and into the carriages.This time, Harry said that something was pulling them. Hermione seemed to think there was nothing there but Harry insisted he could see it. Then a blonde girl came up and said she could see it too. I recognized her vaguely but I couldn’t place her name. She was a year younger than us, and when she said her name was Luna Lovegood, I immediately recognized the name as one we changed into Loony because she was a little odd. I felt bad for calling her loony but then she started talking about things that even we as wizards didn’t believe existed.

The sorting and the feast went by so slowly, forget just the Gryffindors, the entire school was staring at me and Harry. Actually, it could have been just Harry, but I felt like the eyes were on me too. Being back in the Great Hall was something that I knew I would have to face again but I was hoping that people would have enough courtesy to at least not stare.

“Is it just me or-“I leaned into Harry.

“No, they’re all staring. D'you think it’s just me, you or both of us?”

“I mean, you are very attractive.” I joked. “But they’re definitely staring more at me than you.” Harry pretended to look offended.

“Sorry, dude.” I shrugged. “It’s the glasses, they bring you down half a point.”

Hermione and Ron laughed but Ginny looked between us. I always knew that she had a crush on Harry- oh no. I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t say anything but I thought she thought I had a crush on Harry- which I didn’t. That was so weird to even think of. Harry was like a brother, actually, he wasn’t even the first friend i thought of when i thought of my friends which was such a mean thing to say, but it was low key true. If it were not for the fact that I spent the last year believing he was dead, I wouldn’t have even freaked about everything as much as I had.

I didn’t know what I would even say to Ginny though. Would she even believe me if I told her that I had no feelings for him at all?

The feast ended and Hermione and Ron lead all the 1-4th years up to the dorm and left me to hang back with Ginny.

“How’re you doing back?” she asked casually.

“I’m fine,” I said. “Listen, Ginny. I know what you think. But I don’t- have feelings for Harry, at all. Like, he’s just like a brother to me. Trust me. I’m not after him. And I’m sure he doesn’t like me either.”

Ginny's face relaxed a little but she tried to play it off “I didn’t say anything.”

“No, but i know what you were thinking. For what it’s worth, I think you’re really cool and I would never want to compete with you. For anyone.” as soon as I said it I thought it was really weird, but Ginny looked more relaxed.

“I’m not, going after Harry. I got my own stuff anyway,” she muttered, but we didn’t bring it up after that. As I changed into my pajamas, I stared at the bed that was clean but unslept in for the last year. I hadn’t seen the place since my last day of third year and my stomach was churning.

I looked at my schedule, I had almost the same one as Hermione except I refused to take arithmancy so I had Divination with the boys during that time. Our first class was potions, charms then history of magic, and the next day defense against the dark arts and astronomy then transfiguration. I had one full day left before I had to walk into the dada classroom again. One more full day before I had to see the new dada teacher, who by the way had made the most terrible speech during the dinner. I really wasn’t paying attention to it because I felt like the whole room was spinning but Hermione seemed really annoyed by it. I should probably ask her what she was so worried about, but at that point, all i could think about was making it through the next days.

Exams that year were the most important ones we’d ever take. I guess I didn’t really need to do well, but it wasn’t just about money, I had a reputation. I was really smart and I didn’t want to give up on myself. 

I didn’t sleep that night, even though I was exhausted from not having slept properly the last few nights. All i could think about was how the room that I was kept in, tortured in when no one knew I was even there, was just downstairs. I’d have to go sit in the room the next day, pretending like nothing had happened. Even though no one asked me where i was last year yet, I knew it was only a matter of time. Or maybe everyone already knew. I wouldn’t put it past Crabbe and Goyle to tell everyone, even if I didn’t believe Malfoy would. He wouldn’t right? But the other two's fathers had been at the graveyard that night too which meant they knew the plan. My stomach dropped as I imagined another day with students staring at me, either wondering or just with pity. I imagined that everyone knew what had happened. Somehow magically, everyone had gotten into my memories, and that brought everything back up. I started hyperventilating and drank water which I choked on. I quickly ran out of the bedroom to the common room so I wouldn't wake anyone up. No one was down there luckily for me, and the fires of the ember were dying out so the common room was almost completely dark. I sat in an armchair and involuntary felt tears running down my cheek. I know I told myself that I could do it, that I would not let Barty take another year, but suddenly, I wasn’t so sure about my determination. Now that I was actually here, I could feel my resolve begin to break. I just wanted to go back to Sirius's place. I just wanted to go home.


	14. Chapter 14

The next morning, as I got up and got dressed, I couldn’t help but not want to get out of bed. I hadn’t even remembered how I’d gotten back to bed but I guess I had. I was an entire year behind and I’d heard from Hermione how much they had learned last year. I’d basically have to learn two years' worth of stuff in one. I walked down to the dining hall with Hermione because Ron and Harry had already gone down.

I hated that snape would be my first professor back. I didn’t think he’d bully me, at least at first. But still, being down in the dungeons with a bunch of Slytherins wasn’t high on my bucket list.

I couldn’t eat breakfast, Hermione watched me intently but I told her that I was just a little nauseous cause I didn’t sleep. She didn’t seem to believe me.

The breakfast went fast, I knew that I had no choice but to take myself down the stairs and to the dungeons.

“I totally get why you don’t want to go to potions,” Ron said. “Snape is the worst.” As far as misreading the situation went, he wasn’t too far off.

“Yeah, it’s definitely Snape.” I said. “But more than that, it’s the dungeons.”

“Oh.”

“It’s fine. It’s the defense class tomorrow too. I mean the new professor, she seems awful.”

“She really does.” Hermione agreed, sounding a little relieved. “But she’s from the ministry so I don’t think it was up Dumbledore.”

We reached the dungeon and it was illy lit just like always. For a class that was so detail-reliant, it was sometimes difficult to always see what we were doing.

Snape literally introduced the class by saying that this would be the last year of potions for most of us and that he only accepted outstanding on the OWLs. I saw multiple people groan because the difficulty of this class was pretty high. I wasn’t really concentrating. I was kind of hoping that we wouldn’t really do anything. But I guess it was too much to hope. Plus it’s not like we could have done nothing for the whole year.

We started off with the first potion, the leaky gut potion, which helped with medical ailments. I stared at the instructions and tried so hard to concentrate.

_Crush the dragon liver and add it to exactly 1.5 liters of fire water._

I read over and over again.

_Dragon liver._

I looked around for the ingredient.

“Are you ok?” Hermione whispered from right next to me. We weren’t supposed to be talking so she had to whisper. I nodded but stared blankly. The smells of the multiple potions started filling the room after about fifteen minutes. I realized I was way behind. The greenish light filled the room and made me feel dizzy. It made it so much harder to read. At the end of the 90 minutes, I had barely made it through S _tep 5: Stir counterclockwise while adding in crushed wing of the dinged bat._

Everyone was bottling up their potions for Snape to grade, but my potion was still bright red from the fire water.

I stared absentmindedly at the potion that I was supposed to be making. I didn’t even notice when everyone started leaving. I think Hermione wanted to say something to me, but she wasn’t allowed to talk so she just stared at me before leaving the room with Ron and Harry. I didn’t even notice that she left. I didn’t notice anything. Not until professor snape came up to me and patted my shoulder.

“Time is up, Ms. Stiltskin.” he said in his drawling voice.

“What?” I looked up and realized the entire room was empty. “Seriously? Ugh.”

“I’m afraid you’ve failed this potion,” he said. “If your work continues on like this, I will have no voice but to ask you to leave my class.” Then his voice became softer. “I know you’ve had a hard time Rose, but you chose to come back, which means you have to put in the work to keep up.” I nodded staring down because tears were welling up. He was right, _I_ had chosen to come back, but still, there was no reason for him to be so straightforward. I grabbed my stuff in a hurry and ran to the nearest bathroom. I hoped no one was in there and luckily there wasn’t. I went into a stall just in case someone did decide to walk in and started crying. I didn’t know why I had decided to come back all of a sudden. All the justifications I had been telling myself for weeks about how I didn’t want Barty to take another year of my life seemed to be forgotten. I didn’t even realize I had cried half way through charms until I walked out of the stall and saw that my face was bright red. I couldn’t go to class looking like that so I decided to wander around the halls for the next half hour before going to History of Magic.

I ran into a few sixth-year students who were in their free period.

I didn’t recognize them but somehow they seemed to know me, maybe because I was friends with Harry, or more likely that I had disappeared throughout the whole year and reappeared on the last night of the feast. I was hoping no one would realize that I was gone, but even if the other three houses didn’t notice, the Gryffindors definitely would have. But this group was wearing green ties.

“Hey.” one of the girls called. I suddenly became uncomfortably aware of how puffy my eyes were.

“Um hi.” I wanted to keep moving past but they sort of formed a barrier across from me.

“Where are you going?” another girl asked.

“Oh I, missed half of Charms so I figured I would just go up to my next class and wait there,” i said.

“Oh ok. I’m Anna.” The first girl who had spoken said.

“I’m rose.” I reached out to shake the hand she held out. “And these are Evan, Marie, Benjamin, and Truose.” she said pointing at everyone. I nodded but there was no way I was going to be able to remember. I hoped they would move soon but I seemed to have used up all my luck when no one came in when I was crying in the bathroom.

“So last year.” Marie started. “the Triwizard tournament. How cool was that?”

She was clearly trying to get me to mention where I was. I couldn’t agree because I was sure everyone knew I wasn’t there, but at the same time, if I said I wasn’t there they would ask me where I was. my stomach churned. I had been regretting my choice of coming already and these people were making it so much worse. I wondered how people could see that someone else was obviously uncomfortable but still continue to talk about whatever they were talking about.

“Seriously?” I raised my voice. “A person died during the tournament. Not even a few months ago and you’re talking about how cool it was?” Anger rose up inside of me.

“No, we didn’t mean.-“

“Obviously we weren’t talking about that part.” Benjamin interrupted “We were just talking about the tasks.”

“I have to get to my next class,” I said pushing through them, but the guy Truose grabbed my arm.

“Maybe if you would tell us where you were last year.” he whispered, “It would help us understand what happened with Harry and Cedric.”

I yanked my arm out of his grasp and it took everything in me to hold myself back from stamping on his leg.

“Maybe you should ask your father or mother,” I said viciously back in the same tone. “I’m sure one of them was there that night given that you’re all Slytherins!” I marched off feeling tears of white-hot anger forming in my eyes. after crying for so long in the bathroom, I didn’t even know I could cry anymore, but apparently, I could. I marched to the History of Magic classroom which was known to be notoriously boring. Only Hermione could pay attention in that class. There was no participation as far as I knew which was a good thing for me. I could just sit in the back and listen. I waited outside until the bell ran signaling the end of the last class. All the students in my year in Gryffindor rushed in one by one but I waited outside for Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Soon enough they got there and looked at me.

“Where were you?” Hermione asked when she saw me. “You missed loads of important stuff in Charms. Here I’ve taken notes for you.” She reached to pull out her notebook but I stopped her. “Thanks, Hermione,” I said, and we walked inside. I sat in the back with Ron and Harry while Hermione sat in the front.

“How can she listen so intently to such a boring lesson?” I whispered to Harry while we watched Hermione with interest.

“Right?” he replied “It’s like she’s a robot. Binns didn’t even welcome us back. He just went right into teaching.”

I rested my head in my hands and stared glass-eyed as professor bins. For the next 90 minutes, I didn’t think about anything. Not the goblins, not the elf’s or the hippogriffs, not even the single break-in that had happened at Gringotts up til date in which the perpetrators had failed miserably in minutes and had been eaten by a dragon.

Finally class ended. We had been assigned reading from Binns and Hermione informed me we had an essay due the next week in Charms, but I couldn’t think about that. I suggested that we go outside and we did. It was absolutely gorgeous. The sun was shining but it was only London hot. We sat next to the lake so occasionally we’d be lightly splashed by water which was refreshing but Hermione eventually got up and moved farther away so her book wouldn’t get wet. I didn’t move. I just basked in the sun until it started going down. When we all got up and started going to the great hall for dinner, I realized we’d wasted almost three hours doing nothing.

The dinner didn’t hit like it used to. I wasn’t very hungry, and I could feel those Slytherins looking over at us. I wanted to put up my middle finger at them, but the professors,- so I sucked it up. I hadn’t told Harry, Ron, or Hermione what had happened but it didn’t take long for Hermione to ask why they, in particular, kept looking over at me.

“Oh come on, Hermione.” Harry said warily. “People have been staring at us since yesterday.

Hermione did bow down a bit but I could tell she could tell something was off.

“Later,” I whispered and she didn’t bring it up at the table.

A few minutes later I just decided to go back upstairs. I didn’t want to eat anything and people would not turn away so I felt like I was in an exhibition at the zoo or something.

“I’ll come with you,” Hermione said hurriedly. “I’m done anyway and we’ve got loads of homework.”

“Yeah.” Harry agreed, “Plus Quidditch practice starts tomorrow so might as well do the homework today.” All three of us narrowed our eyes at him.

“That does not sound like you mate,” Ron said biting into another chicken wing. “But I suppose if all of you are leaving-“ he too picked up his backpack and we headed upstairs.

We dropped our backpacks around a table near the fireplace and pushed away from the chairs so we could sit on the floor with the short table.

Hermione asked me again why I hadn’t been in Charms so I had no choice but to tell her that Snape had snapped at me so I spent the hour crying.

“He’s such a git!” Ron said banging his fist on the table between every word.

“Seriously. I wish I could dump an entire vat of burning hot pitcher of fire water on him.” Harry agreed.

“It’s fine, he was right,” I said dejectedly. “I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t finish the potion.”

“Right, but that doesn’t give him the right to yell at you,” Hermione said.

“And then, a bunch of Slytherins cornered me on my way to history.” I continued. I sort of wanted to leave that part out, but I figured Harry should be careful too. I looked at Harry directly and said “Not many people believe you. Those guys basically told me that if I told them where I was, maybe it would explain what really happened. As if you weren’t already telling the truth.”

Hermione looked angry, but Harry was even angrier. “Why would people think that I was lying about this?” he said a little loudly. Luckily, most people hadn’t come up from dinner yet so only a couple of people looked up at us.

“I don’t know Harry!” Hermione squealed trying to quiet him down.

“I didn’t tell you so you would get mad,” I said raising my voice too. “I told you, so you would be more careful about avoiding people like them.”

“Right, because that’s exactly what I need.” Harry slammed his book shut. “More people to avoid.” then he stood up and grabbed his stuff. “I’m going to bed” he grunted. “No point doing this stuff tonight. we still have loads of time.”

"That’s the procrastinator we know!” Ron said happily. I just looked at Hermione though. She didn’t know what to say.

“It’s fine Hermione.” I had said that so many times but it definitely was not fine. nothing was fine.

“Can I have your notes from charms? I should go see him tomorrow anyway.”

I spent the next couple of hours with my face buried in notes, doing research for the essays, Hermione stayed with me even after Ron went up to bed a while after Harry. It was about 10 pm when Hermione finally said she should go to bed. The common room which had filled up and gotten noisy quickly after dinner was starting to die down just like the fire. I nodded. “I’ll be up in a bit,” I whispered and watched her as she walked up the stairs. I stared at the fire, watching the flames burn out. Hermione went up to bed but she would be able to sleep. I wondered if I should write to Sirius but it hadn’t even been 48 hours yet. He would think I was weak. It was too much. I hadn’t even tried using wizardry yet which was eating up at me, but honestly, I was scared that if I tried to use it and it didn’t work, well I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I wasn’t even completely sure how I was handling everything now. I knew it was just going to get worse when I walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom tomorrow.

I groaned audibly and slid my hands down the table while putting my head down. Defense Against the Dark Arts. I would have to sit in that classroom again. And this professor, who _knew_ how terrible she was. If Snape, a man who believed Harry and knew what had happened, could snap at me, this Umbridge woman definitely would. She was from the ministry after all and the ministry didn’t believe Voldemort was back.

I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep with my head in my hands until I woke up to a small popping noise. It was a house-elf. Dobby, actually.

“I’m so sorry miss!” he exclaimed in his squeaky little voice. I’d never met him before but I was excited to see him. I recognized him instantly because of the disgusting plethora of colors he was wearing.

“You must be Dobby!” I exclaimed softly.

“You know who Dobby is?” he asked surprised.

“Oh of course! Harry, my friend has told me so much about you. It’s an honor to meet you Dobby!”

His eyes and ears perked up. “Harry is telling you about Dobby, miss?” he asked surprised.

“Oh yes. Harry’s very fond of you. and from the way he’s explained you, so am I.” I held out a hand for him to shake but he didn’t quite know what to do so he just grabbed it and I laughed.

“What is you doing out here miss?” he asked, “Why isn't you sleeping upstairs with all the others?”

“Oh, I don’t know Dobby,” I said standing up to stretch. my legs had fallen asleep. “It was an accident.”

“Dobby is sorry he woke you miss,” he said looking a little guilty.

“Oh no, don’t be Dobby,” I said. “I should go up to bed anyway. It would be embarrassing if a student had found me in the morning. Say, what are you doing here anyway?”

“Dobby comes to clean sometimes miss.” dobby said earnestly. “although secretly, sometimes dobby hopes to run into Harry Potter or his friends wheezy and granger.” wheezy obviously meant Ron.

“Well, I’m his friend too,” I said. “I’m Rose. Stiltskin. You should come up to see me too.”

But his already wide eyes widened at my last name.

“Stiltskin miss?” he asked and I thought I heard fear. Immediately my spirits fell. Why had I told him my last name? This was the reaction other wizards tended to give given who my father was, but I didn’t know house-elves knew.

“No relation to Rumplestiltskin,” I lied quickly. I don’t know why but I really wanted Dobby to like me. Although maybe lying was the wrong way to go about it.

His expression relaxed though.

“I’ll just go up to bed then, Dobby,” I said forcing a smile. “Come to see me anytime too.”

“Oh, Dobby will Ms. friend-of-Harry’s,” he said smiling. I trudged upstairs and very quietly dropped my backpacks near my bed and got in without changing or anything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore but seeing how it was barely 2 am, so I thought I should at least try. I tossed and turned until 7 am when the alarm clock went off and I pretended to get up yawning.

“I met Dobby last night,” I told Hermione as we both brushed and got changed.

“Yes, peculiar little elf isn’t he?” she replied “he spent a lot of time in Gryffindor tower last year, when- well, I started this organization to promote house-elf rights so I left out clothes for them. They didn’t want to take it though, so Dobby did most of the cleaning. Plus he gave Harry the Gillyweed to do the second task.” she added as an afterthought. I remembered the very detailed explanation Ron and Ginny had given me at Grimmauld place two months ago. Wow, that had felt like a lifetime ago.

I smiled slightly for Hermione's sake.

“Weren’t you the thing Viktor Krum had to rescue?” I asked to make fun of her, but she turned bright red. “Ron told you then?” she asked.

“Oh yeah. He seemed very happy about it.” I said sarcastically. “Didn’t you go with Viktor to the Yule Ball?”

“He asked me.” she said. “and I said yes. But we didn’t really do much talking.”

“Yeah. what could an international Quidditch star who was a Triwizard champion possibly have to talk about?” but I laughed a little thinking of him and Hermione dancing. I was sure people would have stared at them. and I wished I could have been there. Not just because if I was there, I wouldn’t have been with Barty. but because it sounded so amazing. The Yule Ball, the tournament. The students from the other schools, and even Viktor even though I, like Hermione, wasn’t really a fan. but I couldn’t think about that now, not today especially not when the rest of the day had yet to happen.


	15. Chapter 15

Luckily Defense Against the Dark Arts was last so I would see Professor McGonagall and Professor Astra (our astronomy professor) first. Hermione and I had already gone down to the Dining Hall and were in the middle of breakfast deep in conversation when Harry and Ron walked up to the table, so we had pretended not to be talking about Viktor Krum.

Hermione and I ate in silence. Well she ate, I had two bites of toast and watched them. Harry looked between us wondering what we had talked about, but Ron didn’t seem to notice.

“So McGonagall first,” Ron said between bites of sausage. “She’s going to give us so much work. I can feel it already.”

And she did indeed. It felt like ‘so much work’ was an understatement. On the first day and we were already transfiguring live animals into other live animals which was harder than turning them into inanimate objects. I tried really hard because I didn’t want to disappoint McGonagall, but in the end, I couldn’t do it. Well, no one could except Hermione. Normally I should have been able to do it as well, but it wasn’t working. Just like my sorcery hadn’t been working. A part of me knew it wouldn’t. but I was hoping, desperately that that part of me was wrong. That it would work. That my sorcery not working was merely a glitch and that the part of magic that actually mattered, my wizardry would work. But it didn’t.

I tried but there wasn’t even a spark from my wand. As McGonagall walked past, she asked me to stay after class and I turned bright red even though I knew no one could hear her except Hermione.

After the students had filed out and Hermione had squeezed my arm as a "good luck," and I was the only one left with McGonagall. I left my stuff at the desk and walked up to her.

She looked at me sadly. “Ms. Stiltskin, please have a seat.” she pointed at the chair across from her desk that hadn’t been there a second ago. I sat down slowly.

“This year is a hard year,” she said slowly. “Your year has very difficult exams coming up at the end up the year.”

I nodded, “I know that this wasn’t my best work, but Professor, I’ll try harder I’ll come in for extra practice. I can catch up.”

“But that’s the thing,” she said. “You can, but you don’t have to. You fell behind through no fault of your own,” she said quickly. “But, if you would like to go back to fourth year-“

“No!” I pushed the chair back and stood up. “No! I can’t go back a year.” Then I realized that I was in an attack stance. “Professor I'm sorry, but I can’t go back. I just have to keep going- catch up, and I will

She didn’t say anything for a minute. “It’s not a reflection on you,” she said finally after I had sat back down.

“If I go back to fourth year, everyone is going to talk,” I said a little desperately. “People already stare every time I walk down the hall. Yesterday, a bunch of Slytherin sixth years stopped me and asked where I was.” I was crying a bit. “Professor. I can’t. Please.”

“Ok. It’s ok. Rose, please. It was just a suggestion. I talked to professor snape too.-“

“You talked to Snape?” I yelled suddenly angry. “Of course you did.”

“/Professor/ Snape, Rose. And he just seemed concerned. Yesterday, he said you just sat there.”

“Yeah, I just sat there because it was a dungeon!” I exclaimed. “It was extremely claustrophobic and the light was all, green and dim.” I sighed, suddenly realizing she was right. “Also, my magic isn’t working.” I finished quietly. I couldn’t believe I’d said it out loud. That just made it feel more real which somehow made me feel worse. 

“What?” she seemed seriously concerned.

“I didn’t notice over the summer because I wasn’t allowed to use magic anyway.” I chose my words carefully so I wouldn’t give away the sorcery part. “And yesterday, I missed charms, so this was the first time I really noticed.”

“Are you sure that it wasn’t just nerves?” she asked, “It is only your second day back.”

“That’s an easy thing to figure out,” I said and pulled out my wand. “I’ll just do a spell that we learned in first year.” I swished and flicked the wand while saying wingardium leviOsa, not wingardium leviosA. Nothing. The quill on her desk didn’t even move.

“See?” I asked dejectedly. “It’s not working.” I put my head in my hands.

“It’s ok.” She said awkwardly. “Rose, it’ll be ok.” I nodded and pulled my hands off my face, but I knew it wouldn’t. Things weren’t just ‘ok.’ Sometimes you think you’re going to the safest place and a death eater taking polyjuice potion kidnaps you and locks you in a chest for ten months and does unspeakable stuff to you. Then you lose all your magic and sense of yourself and become too scared to even walk outside. Things weren’t just “ok.” But I knew there was no point in talking to her about it. No one understands. No one understood but Sirius. Why did I even leave Grimmauld Place? I should have just stayed there under the covers with Sirius bringing me food. It had barely been three full days but I missed him so much. I missed the way only he could make me feel. it wasn’t like I had anyone here who understood.

“can I go?” I asked suddenly feeling very calm. “I have two more classes left.”

“I would actually- you can’t just say that your magic isn’t working and leave!” she said but i’d already turned around.

“I can. actually” I said as I approached the doorway. “Thanks, professor, for everything. you are a great head of house and even better professor. really. I really look up to you.”

she stared after me really confused but I knew what I needed to do. that sounded like a goodbye to mcgonogall because it was.it had felt like a mistake from the second I got in the train but I had ignored that instinct just like I ignored the bad feeling about moody last year. I shouldn’t have have ignored then and I shouldn’t be ignoring it now. I wasn’t going to astRonomy. I was going to pack my bags.

it didn’t take me the whole 90 minutes, as it had barely been a couple of days so I walked downstairs to the grounds. specifically the whomping willow. I wanted to see the tree one last time. the tree that had changed so many lives. I couldn’t immobilize it and go into the shrieking shack because I didn’t have magic, but there were too many students on the grounds anyway for me to give that away. I walked around for a little bit and ended up in fRont of the lake. it had always scared me a little because of the giant squid that was supposed to live in there. Ron told me that Harry had been in the lake, and hadn’t seen a squid. only merpeople. I watched the silent lake. on the surface, it was still. empty. like there was nothing going on. but even if one were to be submerged one foot into the water, they could see hundreds of thousands of organisms living their normal lives. that thought made me feel nostalgic for some reason. I had no idea where my life was going to go now. none at all. even if I did go to sirius’s place for the rest of this year, what about the next? and what about the rest of my life? my career? I couldn’t stay stuck with sirius forever. maybe I could leave, the entire place. I could take sirius and raid my dads office for an object that could let us travel between realms. I could ask belle too. but sirius wouldn’t leave. not at that moment anyway. voldemort was back and Harry was in trouble. there’s no way sirius would leave Harry, even if it meant that he could be free of his past. just like the previous evening, the sunlight hit my face and I was sprayed by the lake water every so often. but I didn’t sit down. I just stood and stared. no one bothered me. it was very serene. I never wanted that hour to end, because if it did, then i’d have to deal with what was to come. still, at that moment, I was content with my decision to drop out of Hogwarts. no matter what was to come.

at the end of the hour, I happily caught up with Ron and Hermione and Harry before the last class of the day. defense against the dark arts.

“what did mcgonogall want?” Hermione whispered as we walked into the same classroom it had already been. only this time, it was completely pink. pink wall on the wall, pink carpeting which looked awful. and so many pictures of cats. this woman was obviously crazy.

“she wanted to talk to me about moving back a year.” I said back. the smell of her thick perfume hit me before the feeling of dread. I gagged and so did Harry and Ron.

“are you doing it?” Hermione asked a little desperately. I could tell she was trying to distract me but I didn’t need it. the room looked completely different than it had. it was horrifying just to look at, much less to think about anything else.

“no.” I replied simply. I wasn’t sure exactly how I was going to do it, but I wanted to tell off umbridge once before I left. I didn’t even really know her but I hated her based on how she spoke at the beginning feast, interrupting Dumbledore with her dumb hm, hms. I sat in the fRont row next to my friends, I sat up straight waiting for her to come in, staring pointedly at the fRont so I wouldn’t even accidentally see where he had kept the chest last year. even if I did look there, it was filled with pink, so I wouldn’t have even recognized it.

the small lady walked in sophisticatedly.

“hello students.” she said in a high pitched voice that reverberated in my head. I hadn’t even realized it, but I had a fake smile plastered on my face and when she spoke, it widened.

“please put away your wands .” she said smiling. “we will not be using it today or any future lessons.”

there was a lot of murmuring.

“we’re not using magic?” Harry asked.

“please, in the future, if a student wishes to ask a question or voice an opinion, they should raise a hand before they do so.” she said sweetly and Harry’s hand immediately went up and without waiting repeated “we’re not using magic?”

“the /ministry/ believes that students would do better with practical applications, learning magic and spells through reading.”

“and how is learning spells through books going to help us against people who are attacking us?” Harry raised his voice.

“oh and who would attack children such as yourselves?” she asked sweetly but her voice was becoming more and more dangerous.

“oh I don’t know.” Harry yelled “maybe lord voldemort? or maybe you haven’t heard but he’s back.”

“calm. down. mr.potter.” she said without even asking his name. I looked over at him, he was sitting to my right and I knew he was about to get up and yell. I could feel Harry tense up beside me.

“don’t Harry.” I said to him. “it’s not worth it.”

“she’s right.” umbridge said.

“but it is for me!” I whispered and stood up.

“the ministry, believes that voldemort isn’t back?” I asked softly.

“ms.stiltskin. I presume.” she asked looking me straight in the eye. I smiled slightly.

“so, can you tell me, if voldemort isn’t back, what happened to cedric diggory?” I asked still using the soft voice.

“cedric. diggorys death was a tragic accident!” she looked bewildered.

Harry balled his fists.

“tragic accident?” I repeated poisonously. “was it a tragic accident when barty crouch jr. the son of one your ministry officials who was murdered, might I add, took alastor moody’s place right here in this school? was it a tragic ‘accident’ when that psychopath planned out every step of the way to get Harry to the graveyard that night after winning the tasks in the tournament?”

umbridge was left speechless and no one else in the classroom said anything either. I couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth. my anger was tumbling out though.

“I don’t know what you and the ministry are thinking? but you’re all a bunch of moRons if you think voldemort isn’t back.”

“that is /enough/!” she barked but I wasn’t done.

“oh but it’s not enough is it? are you really as stupid as you look? or perhaps just as stupid as the name cornelius fudge, which a really stupid name by the way. every single person in this room and outside in the real world, is in danger. but you can’t see it can you? you or your minister? your heads are so far up your own ass that you can’t even-“ but umbridge stopped me at this point by pulling out her wand. I stopped for a second and flinched before realizing that she wouldn’t attack me in fRont of all these witnesses.

“funnily enough.” I said tilting my head. “that’s exactly what barty crouch jr used to do. yeah when i’d say something he didn’t like, or do something he didn’t like or look at him in a way he didn’t like he would pull out his wand and point it at me. well, before he realized that the last time he had spent more than a couple of weeks torturing people, they had gone insane. I guess I was lucky because he didn’t want me to go insane. so he started using knives, and buckets of ice water.” I laughed a little. “and the fire. yeah the fire was the worst I think.” I paused and pretended to think. “no, sorry, the fire wasn’t the worst. there was one thing worse than the cuts and the burns and the small sparks of electricity. do you know what it was?” I stepped out from behind the table and closer to her. “knowing what I knew, about his plan to bring Harry to voldemort so he could come back. knowing that this terrible plan was happening but not being able to stop it. that was the worst.”

the class was absolutely silent. umbridge looked like she could have murdered me and somehow that was enough to cause satisfaction for me beyond anything else. I didn’t even care that now everyone knew exactly where I was last year because it’s not like I planned on coming back anyway.

the next thing I knew, umbridge was pulling me to Dumbledore office

“I want her expelled!” she yelled as Dumbledore listened calmly. “the disrespect- i’ve never- in my entire life- the minister!- i’m a ministry official!” she spluttered. but I was calm too. actually I was better than calm. I had felt the best I had in months. but once I stopped to think about what I had said, I would regret all of it.

after umbridge stopped yelling, Dumbledore asked her to wait outside while he talked to me which she absolutely did not look happy about but it wasn’t like she had a choice. she could disobey a direct request from the headmaster, not matter how much she hated him.

“is this true?” he asked me sadly.

I nodded, “but professor, she deserved it.” he nodded. “you, aren’t planning on staying, are you?” he asked.

I shook my head. “professor, I made a mistake coming here. I shouldn’t have gone against my instinct. I would like to go home. actually, my things are already packed.”

he nodded knowingly. “and I suppose you would like to collect them and say goodbye to your friends?” he asked and I nodded.

“I want to go back to sirius’s place.” I said easily, “but I do think I need to see my father one more time before I go.”

Dumbledore tapped his fingers together.

“the ministry does monitor the floo network.” he said. “but they cant see into Hogwarts. or at least, this one. I can send you to your fathers, but you would have to come back here to go to sirius’s place, and then it will be difficult for you to come back because the portal does not open unless I open it from here.” he said raising an eyebrow.

I nodded understandingly.

“that’s fine, just give me an hour to say good bye and then 12 hours at my dads place.” I emphasized 12 hours.

for some reason, seeing Dumbledore in this setting had made my anger at him melt away. I still had deep feelings of resentment, but now was not the time.

I had one more thing I had to do before I could say goodbye. Harry was still in class so I knew I had an hour left before they got back up. so naturally, I snuck into the boys dormitory and went through Harry’s stuff looking for his invisibility clock. I felt like a theif, but I had suddenly remembered a promise, and I knew this was my only chance to keep it.

the cloak wasn’t hard to find but still it was so messy and disorganized that I felt like I was committing a crime. I folded the cloak up and walked downstairs with it casually until I reached the staircase leading to the dungeon when I draped it on and disappeared. I had seen Harry disappear under it so many times, in fact, I had disappeared under it so many times, but it still felt different to use it by myself. snape didn’t have class that hour and he wasn’t in his room. it was an absolute stroke of luck for me. I could have stolen the ingredients I needed from his vault even if he was there but it would have been an unnecessary complication. I snuck in wearing the cloak anyway and looked through his shelves. I had spent ten months making hundreds of gallons of poly juice potion in the third layer of the chest so I knew exactly what I needed. within minutes I grabbed enough to make enough poly juice potion for what must have been 48-60 hours, more than I needed but still, more hours just meant more fun. I couldn’t believe how easily I had snuck in there when three years ago Hermione had to plan a whole distraction. I smiled to myself carefully wrapping up all the ingredients in a pouch I had brought with me as I slipped out of the potions room under the cloak and back to the gryffindor common room.

I knew I would see them again, but still, saying goodbye to Ron Harry and especially Hermione was like a punch in the gut.

“you’re leaving?” Ron asked bewildered.

“I am.” I confirmed “technically I wasn’t expelled but I expect Dumbledore will let umbridge act like it was her decision. to make her feel in control. speaking of umbridge.” I turned to Harry ignoring all the other stares. I expected the news of my outburst had spread throughout the entire school by now but somehow I didn’t care.

“Harry, don’t get in trouble with her. it’s bigger than just her. i’m serious, she’s a straight tag into the ministry and the whole thing will become a bigger deal than it needs to be.”

“yeah that’s right coming from you.” Harry said sarcastically.

I smiled. “but she doesn’t need to believe me, Harry. it’s you that they need to take seriously. and acting like a child, talking back to her, attacking her in fRont of everyone, it will just make them see you as more of a villain. anyway, you’re acting like this is goodbye. i’m just going to snuffles place and I expect you will all be there next summer anyway?” I finished hopefully.

“yes.” Hermione said firmly “and we’ll write to you all the time ro.” she squeezed me really tightly.

“see that you do.” I hugged her back.

“guys, what I said, i’m sure that people will try to talk to you about it or look at you weird, don’t let them talk about it too much?” I asked hopefully “shut down any outrageous rumors ok?”

we all hugged one last time and I grabbed my luggage and trudged back up to Dumbledore office knowing I was making the right choice but also afraid of what was next.

I still didn’t know if my magic would work, I still had a million questions but there I was, ready to head out to my fathers place to tell him off violently about kidnapping belle.

Dumbledore suggested that I leave my luggage in his office because I would only be gone for 12 hours.

I hoped rumplestiltskin would be at home. I stepped out of the fireplace reluctantly, immediately I saw belle cutting up vegetables in the kitchen. she was holding a huge knife so I didn’t want to scare her. I waited until she put the knife down and wiped her hands on the apRon she was wearing before I said “hey!”

like I expected, she jumped violently.

“rose?” she asked coming over. “you’re back?” she sounded really confused.

“well, no, not really. I left Hogwarts but i’m not staying.” I tried to explain. “I actually just came by to talk to my father?”

she looked around. “he is actually here. he’s with someone in his big office room.” she said and I made to leave but she said “he doesn’t really like it when people interrupt him while he’s doing business.”

“he’ll be fine.” I didn’t care what he wanted. “i’ll be back soon, I have to leave through the fireplace anyway.” she looked like she was about to stop me but I walked away anyway. he was my father so I didn’t really care.

I walked into the room where he kept some of his magical stuff, not his vault though. his vault had higher density more powerful items. this was just, small potions and enchanted weapons and stuff.

“father!” I sort of announced as I walked into the room. he was talking to a woman, not much taller than me, white, long black hair.

she looked annoyed that I had interrupted but the look on my fathers face was different than something I had seen, like surprise, but also like he was happy to see me again.

“what is going on?” she demanded. “you have a child?”

“i-“ he started but I interrupted walking completely in and standing between them.

“i’m rose stiltskin.” I said reaching out a hand that she didn’t take. I was acting more confident than I felt.

“and i’m in the middle of a deal with you father!” she said a more angrily.

“oh yes, I bet.” I smiled. “so what is this deal for?”

“snow white here wants to forget the love of her life.” rumplestiltskin said quietly and I turned to him that back to face her.

“why?”

“none of your business.” she said indignantly.

“you want to forget the love of your life because he. what? broke your heart? that’s the most cliched story of all time.” I said a little disappointed.

snow white looked like she was about to draw out her sword and attack me but I ignored her and turned to my father.

“we need to talk.” I said seriously. and he nodded solemnly.

“I have just the thing for you dearie.” he addressed snow white and went to his collection of potions.

“and what is your price?” she asked suspiciously.

“this.” he materialized over time her and grabbed a hair off her head and she winced.

“what do you need a hair for?” she asked

“well, what do you need it for now that it’s off your head?” he replied smiling a little.

“you don’t have to take it.” I said stopping her before she walked out.

“you have no idea what’s happening.” she replied. and I sighed

“there’s a lot in my life that I want to forget, but I wouldn’t be myself if it wasn’t for the pain and heartbreak. and your little love story? i’m sure you’ll be able to get over it.”

she tilted her head and said something. “he chose not to choose me. this is the only way I can go on.” and she left clutching the bottle in her gloves hand. I realized that she was acting pathetic and desperate. letting a man control her life. but in a way, wasn’t I doing the same?

“no.” I said to myself. my situation was completely different. she loved him but he didn’t love her, for me it was so much worse than that. it couldn’t even compare. I stared as she walked out but then my fathers voice jolted me back.

“so, what brings you here?” he asked quietly. I turned around

“seriously?” I asked putting my hands on my hips. “you seriously have to ask me that?”

“you’re supposed to be at school.”

I have a mirthless laugh. “yeah i’m not always where i’m supposed to be am i?”

he raised an eyebrow. “did you come to fight?” he asked quietly. and I sighed.

“no. well yes, but not about what you think. what in the world were you thinking kidnapping that girl-?”

but before I could finish yelling, someone walked in interrupting my unrehearsed speech.

“hello, rumplestiltskin.” a smooth soft voice came from the doorway. it was a males voice and it shouldn’t have scared my father so much but I saw him jump.

“I do hope you remember our deal?” I turned around irritated understanding what snow white must have felt when i’d walked in. this guy was dressed in a black suit with steaks of green. his bone structure was chiseled with bright green eyes. even though his hair was dark black and greasy, he looked attractive. he was also standing in a way that i’d only seen my father stand in. he was obviously powerful, maybe a sorcerer like my father, but more likely a prince.

“it’s not time yet.” rumplestiltskin said in a soft voice. I thought I heard a tremble, but no. my fathers voice didn’t tremble. there’s no way, he was the most powerful person I knew. or at least most powerful sorcerer. how was this mystery man scaring him. I was intrigued by the new comer so I smiled a little at him and tilted my head like I was sizing him up. he smiled back, but not a friendly smile. it was more of a “I know your secrets.” smile.

“it’s not time yet, but it will be soon.” he said “just making sure that you remember.”

“I do. please leave.” rumplestiltskin spoke softly.

but he didn’t leave, his attention turned completely to me for the first time since he’d been there.

“I am Loki,” he said in a confident demeanor “prince of asgard.”

I smiled. so I was right. he was a prince.

“i’m ro-“ but my father interrupted me.

“it is not time.” he repeated “please leave.”

and LokI walked out of the room. my attention had broken because I was wondering what they were talking about and it took me a second the remember what I was about to say.

“as I was saying-“ I began again but he stopped me.

“all magic comes with a price rose. you know that more than anyone, being my daughter.”

“I do- but still that’s not an excuse.”

he turned around and grabbed my shoulders. “I saved their entire kingdom. it’s not a small feat. magic of that size comes with a large sacrifice. i-i’m sorry.” and without saying anything else, he just disappeared leaving me open mouthed. there was so much more I had to say, I wasn’t done yet. I didn’t care that all magic came with a price. belle shouldn’t have to pay that price. but on the first day that we’d met, she had told me that I didn’t have to save her. she did say that she was making the sacrifice for her kingdom. but still, it was wrong of my father to ask for such a steep price. I stamped my foot and screamed in frustration. I had the sudden urge to break things so I did. I picked up the glass container closest to me that didn’t have anything in it and smashed it against the wall hard. then I smashed one of his bows. I had snapped about 12 arrows when someone walked in.

“wow, you’ve made a mess.” it was the same voice that had interrupted me before.

“Loki.” I said breathlessly. “prince of asgard.” I turned around and he was smiling.

“most people do a little curtsy when they say that.” he mocked.

“i’m not-“

but he wasn’t listening. “you never got a chance to introduce yourself to me.” he said walking around me like he was checking me out like I was a sculpture. I turned with him. “what do you want with my father?” I asked not answering his questions.

he stopped walking and gave a small laugh dropping his head. “oh, I don’t suppose you’re father would want me to tell you that. perhaps you should ask him.”

“well I can’t ask him can i?” I asked irritated throwing up my hands. “because the man left mid conversation.”

“and that explains the breaking of his possessions.” he pointed out.

“i’m sorry Loki, but is there a reason you’re still here or-?”

“no, well, sort of. I was hoping we could talk.”

“you want to talk to me?” I was a little surprised. most people who came to do business with my father usually ignored me.

“I um, have experience with fathers like him.” he said a little testily. “I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “your father treats you like an insignificant happening that he kind of regrets but feels guilty about regretting it so he tries to make you happy by getting you whatever you want but not enough to spend time with you?” I asked rapidly.

“um, well that’s so specific, but yes.” he agreed.

“i’m sorry Loki. i’m not in a great place, and this-“ I pointed around at the broken everything. “doesnt usually happen. I just saw my father again and I had something important to say and he just disregarded me completely.” oh my god I was about to cry in fRont of a complete stranger and the prince of asgard. that could not happen. I willed myself to suck it up.

I guess he could tell that I was going to cry because he offered to clean everything up. he had magic too so I watched as everything magically mended itself and put itself back into place. it’s like I had never broken anything.

“i- thanks.” I said.

he nodded. “do you, want to go on a walk with me? outside, in your garden.”

I tilted my head a little suspiciously. it’s not like the garden was some big secret, still, it was my special place and I didn’t really advertise it. I guess he if he had spent a little time around he could have noticed the tall grass and made the assumption?

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to, because I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t just refuse the prince of asgard could i? I nodded a little reluctantly but if he sensed my reluctance he ignored and asked me downstairs.

our garden was gorgeous. we had a small private lake with plenty of smooth stones to skip, which was by far my favorite past time. there was a concrete path to walk on, and the plants were taller than me so I could hide in them easily. which I had a lot as a child. I told my father to specifically plant many roses not only because I was named after them, but because they were my favorite flower anyway. there was a fountain in the middle of the garden, but ‘middle’ was relative. the garden had a mind of its own, it sort of switched up whenever I was bored so when I would play hide and seek with my babysitter, they would only be able to find me when I wanted them to. but the garden always protected me. even full of rose thorns, i’d never been pricked once. like the stems would move away if I tried to touch one. there were stone benches where I could sit, but I didn’t sit very often. I didn’t spend much time on the concrete path either. the grass was always damp, and the plants always had a welcoming smell. I would walk barefoot in the grass and leave footprints all through the carpet inside the house when it was time to go inside. it was my favorite place to be, at least as a child. when I had come to stay during this summer, the one day I was here, I didn’t want to come down to the garden because I didn’t want my sour mood or terrible memories to come up when I was here and ruin the place. I knew that if I had come down then, the towering plants would have just made me feel claustrophobic. but now, it had been almost three months and I felt better in the moment than I had in over a year. I was still sort of riding the high of telling umbridge to fuck off and even the disappointment of my fathers reaction when I tried to talk to him hadn’t made me want to curl up into a ball- even though I wanted to cry, but I always wanted to cry.

having LokI in the garden with me felt wrong. like I was letting him into a sacred place that no one was allowed to be in. but for some reason, I didn’t feel threatened by him. I knew I should have.his magic, his power, but I didn’t. I still had no idea if my sorcery was working, but I wasn’t going to try it out in fRont of him. I didn’t know if he knew I had magic or not, but if it did work and he didn’t know, or even the other way around, would be bad for me. we walked silently for a while I could tell his hands were behind his back, maybe because he didn’t want to touch me? I didn’t know whether to be offended or relieved.

“I never actually learned your name.” he said eventually.

I chuckled “well look around you.” I said.

“rose.” he gently caressed a flower that was face to face with him.

“that’s my favorite flower too.”

“I never told you that.” I said but he shrugged

“please, this garden was clearly designed for you.”

I stopped walking “and why would you say that?” I asked curiously.

“the plants are tall enough to hide you, there is a concrete path, but more than that, wet grass that looks trodden through, the garden seems to respond to your touch. so if I were to try to find my way out without you, I don’t think i’d be able to. this place, it protects you.”

I smiled.

“I know a bit about magic.” he continued. “I could feel it the second we stepped through those gates.”

“if you know about magic, then you know it all comes with a price.” I responded.

he nodded. “and you’re doing business with my father.” I continued slowly hoping he would provide more answers than what I could guess. he nodded in a ‘go on’ motion.

“Loki. what is it that my father owes you?” I asked again, figuring he wouldn’t tell me just because I had asked again.

“I wish I could tell you.” he said seriously. “but it’s not my place. I do think you’ll find out soon enough. how old are you?”

I was not sure whether or not I should tell this man my age. it seemed like an ominous sign. people who asked your age usually weren’t asking so they could get you a birthday card with the appropriate number. I hesitated before saying “im 15.”

LokI nodded seriously. “15, that’s pretty young.”

“well, that’s how time works.” I said.

“have you lived here long?” he asked. I wondered why he was so interested in my life. especially the age thing, it was sending up a lot of flags.

I nodded.

“and this garden? it’s always been yours?” he asked but the exit was coming up.

“oh.” LokI sounded a little dejected as we walked out because he knew that the exit only showed up because I had wanted it to.

“listen. your highness or something-“ not the greatest start. “it’s not that I didn’t enjoy spending time with you, it’s just. I don’t know why you’re so interested in me.” I finished.

LokI looked taken aback.

“why wouldn’t I be?”

I shrugged. “no offense, but i’ve had bad experiences with people who are interested in me. they usually end up being liars or just people who are trying to use me.” I crossed my arms.

“i’m- sorry.” LokI started. “i- yes, well, there is something that I can’t tell you, but it’s not because I don’t want to. i- pease believe me.”

I looked at him in the eyes. he didn’t seem to be foul or evil. and he certainly didn’t give me the same feeling barty crouch he had the first day in the chest. I had been looking at him and he had claimed to be a kidnapping victim along with me, but for some reason I hadn’t believed him. but Loki, I did believe.

I nodded. “I hate not knowing stuff.” I said

“believe me, I know.” he reached out for my hands and I let him hold them for a second.

“ we will see each other again.” he said seriously.

“is that a threat?” I joked. and his face broke into smile.

“no, I just, really enjoyed spending time with you.”

“right. me too. with you.” I said slowly. I think I had. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t even know this guy, and yet something about him made me feel happy and calm. actually, the only other person who had ever made me feel like that was sirius. but with sirius it was a different kind of zen feeling. I was just glad sirius was there. with LokI though- I kind of wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t know him, plus I wasn’t that over the chest yet. LokI was about to leave when I called after him “wait!” I ran up to him. and he turned around.

“how old are you?”

“1100 in asgard years.” he said. “but, your time, 16?”

and then he disappeared.

asgard, must be a different realm. I didn’t even know time could work differently on different places.

I walked back into the garden and into a stone bench just to think. it was still the same day that I yelled at umbridge but the sun was going down, I figured I had a few hours before Dumbledore would open the floo network again.

I couldn’t stop thinking of how much of a jerk my father had been. just ignoring me, but something else too. the biggest thing that had been bothering me. I believed LokI was harmless, but my father had been so scared of him? I had never heard his voice shake, ever. and he’d dealt with a lot of powerful people. but Loki, LokI had asked about a deal. something that my father had said it wasn’t time for. maybe it had something to do with me? that’s why LokI had been talking to me. to see if I were up to the task? but then, he could have just told me? what was happening? what had my father promised; I mean what did I have that LokI didn’t? that my father didn’t? I always thought that I was powerful, but lately it had been harder and harder to feel powerful, or even in control. all I could think about, alone in the garden as it became dark was how many times i’d broken, how many times i’d given up. power wasn’t even within my grasp anymore. I couldn’t live up to what they expected. I couldn’t even live up to what I expected. and then the tears started. just like I knew they would.

I walked out of the garden. it had gotten completely dark, and I couldn’t find my father anywhere. I ended up having to tell belle to tell my father that I was leaving and told her that I was so sorry that I couldn’t do anything. she seemed surprised but also touched that I had come to see him, rumplestiltskin even though I never wanted to see him again, just for her. I think she might have had tears form in her eyes, but I didn’t have time for a tearful exchange of goodbyes. I didn’t even realize that it had already been twelve hours. I had apparently spent quite a few hours crying in the garden. it was time for me to go back to Hogwarts.

then, I realized something. I hadn’t told sirius I was coming back. would Dumbledore have? but why would he? I knew sirius wouldn’t say anything at having me back, but at the same time, I couldn’t just surprise him. he’d probably freak out or maybe even not believe that I was really there.

I wasn’t sure if he had hallucinations because of the dementors but if he did, the last thing I wanted to do was freak him out.

I said Dumbledore office in the fireplace and ended up there after a dizzying few seconds. Dumbledore wasn’t actually in the office so I wondered if I should just leave before he came back. the high from 12 hours ago had worn off the second I started crying so I actually wasn’t sure if I could see Dumbledore again without remembering all the reasons I hated him and my father. I really couldn’t bring up the hatred again.

I paced his office and noticed the pensive. I wouldn’t know what it was, but I had read a lot of books and there was a description of the pensive. he could saved memories in it and watch it at any time. I wondered though, if you watch your own memory, would that be another memory? or would it just be the original memory that you took out in the first place. I peered over it curiously. and without even realizing it, I had fallen in.

the memory was clearly recent. I could see things, not from Dumbledores perspective, but definitely only things that he had seen. he was sitting at the table as the sorting hat was singing it’s song which meant it was the beginning of the year feast.

I looked over at all the tables and tried to move closer to Harry, Ron and Hermione. I wasn’t there so I figured it was last year. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but Hermione looked concerned. even Harry looked a little worried, but Ron was just eating carelessly. Dumbledore announced that the triwizard tournament would take place and after that, once everyone was sitting and listening intently. there was very loud murmuring when barty crouch announced the age limit. I wondered if anyone had actually tried to cross the age line that Dumbledore had mentioned, but then I realized of course someone had. I knew at least two people who would have definitely tried. I smiled as I imagined what fred and george would have tried to cross the age line, but then there was a really loud thundering noise and I screamed. no one looked at me which felt, different. but then a man burst in through the double doors. it was alastor moody, and I didn’t want to be there. I knew why he was so late to the feast. I couldn’t believe no one had cared. I squeezed my eyes shut willing the memory to end, but it didn’t. somehow I ended up back in his office watching him open a piece of paper. I walked closer to him to read the paper. it was the letter. I hadn’t actually even seen the letter but I recognizes my signature at the bottom. my stomach dropped. did I even want to read it? in a split second, I knew I didn’t want to. what was the point. why would I want to know what had been in the letter? how would that help me? it must have been an amazing explanation though because Dumbledore read it, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

“this isn’t right.” he muttered and I froze. “this isn’t right.” he knew something was off.

I was pulled out of the memory by a hand

on my shoulder. I looked at it and the person it belonged to. Dumbledore.

“you knew?” I whispered.

“I didn’t know.” he said quietly.

“no, you didn’t /know/ but you knew.” I said wildly.

“i- I had a feeling something was wrong. but I had no idea-“ he sat down on his chair.

“if you even had a small bad feeling, why wouldn’t you investigate farther?” I asked my voice breaking.

“alastor is my friend.” he said. “and he’d always been a little off, I didn’t suspect him. I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t even know where to begin.”

I nodded but it wasn’t an accepting nod.

“how long did it take you, to accept that I had left?” I asked “how long did it take you, to just throw away that piece of paper and stop thinking about what could have possible happened to one of your students. a student, might I add would never go home when she could be at Hogwarts learning.”

“I didn’t.” he said but I didn’t believe him. “I never stopped thinking something was off, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t show up at your house. but-. sirius. he sent me a letter last year. I was in touch with him. he told me you sent him a letter for his birthday and when he told me that, I was ok with moving on. if you could send him letters, then you had to be ok.”

I had. I remembered that I had sent sirius a letter on his birthday. I told barty that if I didn’t send him a birthday card, he would have realized that I wasn’t there and he would have gone to my house to see if I was there. I guess that had scared him a little, because he let me. I tried to write it in a way that would make him suspicious, even if he mentioned it to Dumbledore, I wanted to write it in a way that they would realize that I was not at home. it was harder than I thought because barty was more than just lucky, he was also smart. he noticed small details, but the only thing he didn’t know was that sirius had stayed with me during the summer. but I couldn’t even mention that. because any small obscure reference even, did not pass his test.

“I was hoping that I could add something in the letter.” I said sitting down too. “wow, I didn’t think that /that/ would be the end.” I kind of half laughed. “professor, i’ve been blaming you.” I said and if he was offended he didn’t show it. “but it’s not your fault. how could you possibly know? alastor moody was your friend. you got a letter from me. signed by me, telling you I was going home.” I sighed.

“I did.” he said quietly.

I wanted to say more, but I didn’t want to sound disrespectful. no matter how much I thought he was just like my father, how much he would never accept blame, he was still older than me, more powerful, and he wasn’t my father. so I just stood up. “um, I didn’t tell sirius that I was going, so this is going to be a fun surprise.”

Dumbledore didn’t say anything as I got up and grabbed my luggage but as I got into the fireplace, I thought I saw Dumbledore eyes water just a little and heard him softly whisper “im so sorry.”

did I hear him right? had Dumbledore really said the word “sorry?” there’s no way, I must have misheard him. i’d basically absolved him of any blame and yet he still seemed like he was sad. I couldn’t think about that anyway. I probably wouldn’t even see him again until the next summer, maybe even ever. I was already planning to avoid my dad forever, now I had to avoid Dumbledore too.

  
  
  
  



	16. Chapter 16

i walked out of the fireplace and pulled everything out. i wanted to find sirius first and explain that i would be staying, then i decided to write to Hermione and tell her what was going on. one day, barely, and i was already missing Hogwarts. i didn’t really want to go back, but Hogwarts was still special. it was the first place that i had made friends. first place where i felt like i was at home.

“sirius?” i called softly because i didn’t want to scare him. then i realized it was probably the middle of the night. 4 or 5 am. i decided to just take my stuff up to my room and wait for him to wake up. maybe i’d be ready with breakfast by the time he woke up. but that was a mistake. when i was pulling the suitcase up the staircase, it hit the edge and made a loud thump and i winced. if sirius hadn’t been awake, he would be awake by then for sure. i was right. i stood frozen but he ran out of him room and jumped out with the light on his wand.

“who is there?” he demanded while shining the light in my face. i covered my eyes a little and said

“don’t attack sirius. it’s just me.”

“ro?!” he sounded surprised and confused. “it’s first of all 5 in the morning, secondly, what are you doing here? you’re supposed to be at school?” he turned the lights in the hallway on with his wand and helped me drag everything upstairs as i explained to him that i decided to come home and that going to Hogwarts in the first place was a mistake.

i realized that i had called the place home and i meant it. it seemed to make sirius happy too.

“so, what about your education though?” he asked as i unpacked everything and he sat on my bed watching.

“i don’t need to go to Hogwarts.” i said lightly. “i mean, i loved the place, i did. but it’s not the same anymore. i don’t need an education either. i can do anything i want. remember?”

i tried to sound optimistic but even though i had money and sorcery, having an education would have been great. i wouldn’t be able to survive without a job anyway.

i sighed and sat down next to him.

“i don’t know, sirius. i have no idea what to do next. i made a decision and i don’t regret it. i was right to come back. but at the same time, what am i supposed to do without a job?”

“don’t you have money?” he asked.

“well, yeah, but having a job, it’s not about money. it’s about having an occupation.”

“you could do volunteer work.” he suggested. “look, i know it’s not great that you’re stuck here.-“

“but i’m not stuck here.” i muttered. i winced and get sirius move away a little.

“ok.” he said.

“no, i just meant, i’m not /stuck/ here. and neither are you. i know it’s dangerous for you to leave, but you spent two years out of azkaban, and out of this place.”

“and here we are.” he muttered getting up. “back at the Dumbledore argument.”

i stood up and crossed my arms.

“i literally did not say the name Dumbledore!” i exclaimed. “you are the only one who mentioned him.”

“no, but that’s where this was going wasn’t it?” he asked. “i’m not stuck here, i’m choosing to be here because Dumbledore told me to be? it would be the same argument we had that night.”

“first of all, there were a lot of nights.” i said viciously. “and i don’t recall an argument that we had.” he sighed and threw him hands up. “i can’t talk about Dumbledore anymore. do you think i like it here?”

“of course not!” i said “of course you don’t like it here. but you’re still here aren’t you? and that’s because of your respect for-“ i let the sentence trail off.

“i’m so glad you’re back.” he said quietly and walked out.

ugh. i stomped my feet. i wanted to scream, that was not how i thought this would happen. the moments of happiness and bliss that i had at seeing sirius even after only a few days had vanished. i was angry and irritated again. the feelings i was trying to avoid.

i opened my book case to write to Hermione and i noticed the bag of poly juice potion ingredients i had stolen. even though i was mad at sirius, i was still going to make it. it was september 4th, which meant that only if i started it that day, it would be ready for his birthday.

Dear Hermione,

I’m here at snuffles place and i’m fine. i’m happy to be back. i think that sirius and i just had a huge fight because he sort of stormed out, so now i don’t know how to start talking to him again.

i know i didn’t make a mistake leaving Hogwarts, but i was just looking through my books and i am really going to miss going to class. don’t tell the boys that, they’ll just make fun of me for missing tests and learning.

anyway, work hard this year. not to put more pressure on you, but you have to do well enough for both of us.

also, i saw my father again, just yesterday and i was planning to tell him off but he just. left. before i could even finish my sentence. but i did meet a prince of asgard, and i didn’t even know asgard existed. Loki, he’s real, and i think he liked me. i liked him anyway. you have to write me back because, even though i know you’re busy studying, i need advice on how to get sirius to stop being mad at me.

love Ro

I read it a couple of times and it seemed ok, except maybe i shouldn’t have mentioned Loki. i had known him for about two hours and i was already writing about him to my best friend? besides, my father owed him something and i knew it had something to do with me so i couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter how much i liked Loki, nothing could happen. especially since my father seemed afraid of him.

it was only one sentence so maybe she wouldn’t focus on that anyway.

i realized i didn’t have an owl, so i would have to borrow one from sirius. or i could just go outside and find one. like he said, i wasn’t the one who stuck on this house.

i started making the poly juice potion that morning. it would have to be a surprise for sirius so i put it in a place he wouldn’t look. not in my room because it would start smelling in a couple of weeks and i couldnt move it after that, so i put it in a room that didn’t look like it was ever lived in. but then, i realized it was so clean because kreacher constantly cleaned it which meant it was sirius’s moms room. sirius would never look there, but kreacher would clean and throw it out. i ended up just putting it in a bathroom in the basement.

i looked for sirius the next day but he never came out of his room.

i knocked on his door but he didn’t answer.

“sirius, you don’t have to talk to me, i just need to borrow an owl.” i said, and the door actually opened and an owl flew out.

“hi,” i said to him as he perched on my fingers and i carried him to my room. “this is for Hermione in Hogwarts.” i said stroking his head. “and bring her reply back if you can.” i watched him fly out the window. “thank you!” i called out meekly after him.

i slept for a few hours, but not for long because then i wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. sirius and i basically spent all summer together and i had never felt so lonely. i knew he was right next door, but he wouldn’t come out. and maybe it was because i spent the last month with all of my friends that now i was extra lonely. no wonder sirius was madder at me than he should have been. he thought he would have to spend the year alone. and when i had come back. we had immediately gotten into a fight. i thought he was acting childish. i couldn’t believe that we were having such a juvenile argument. it made me want to throw something at him, but again, he wasn’t even opening the door.

three days later. sirius still wasn’t speaking to me. i was super lonely and felt like crying all the time, Hermione finally write me back.

Dear Ro,

I’m sorry to hear about you and sirius. I asked Harry and he reckons you should just let him be angry until he angries himself out? i’m not sure i would approach it like that. if he’s mad at you, you should just apologize. and maybe make him his favorite food? people can’t really be mad when they’re eating their favorite food (that was from Ron). but seriously, Loki? prince of asgard? I need more details, but if i don’t reply then don’t take it personally. like you said, there’s so much work. it’s been one week and i feel like i’m drowning. poor Harry, he has the same amount of work but he has to keep up with quidditch practice too. oh and Harry, didn’t keep his mouth shut and has ended up in detention with that old cow for the rest of the week. honestly, it’s not too bad for me, but he’s been stuck in her office for hours a day.

Hermione (and Ron and Harry)

i read her letter over and over again. it was not helpful at all. i had never had Hermione be unhelpful. what would i even apologize for? all i had said was that he wasn’t stuck in the house. and he stopped talking to me over that. this wasn’t my fault. it was neither of our faults. he was over reacting.

after another couple of days, i decided enough was enough. i went and banged on sirius’s door.

“open the door! sirius!” i pounded the door.

there was no answer.

“i’m serious. if you don’t open the door i’m just going to keep pounding!” a few seconds later he opened the door and grabbed my wrists because i almost punched him in the face.

i walked into his room, it was the first time i’d been in there but i couldn’t even focus on all the posters of the half naked women on motorcycles from the magazines on the wall. there were also quidditch players and quidditch team posters plastered everywhere.

i crossed my arms. “ok, why are you still not talking to me?” i asked annoyed “because i know we had a fight on the first day but i didn’t think it was a big thing, because i don’t think i said anything wrong, and i wasnt about to start attacking Dumbledore-“

sirius just stood there and listened, but i ran out of things to say. “do you want me to apologize? i’m sorry ok? i’m sorry i came back and scared you in the middle of the night, and said that i didn’t want to be stuck here,but it’s been a really long week and i really need you to start talking to me again.”

sirius didn’t say anything.

“fine!” i exclaimed throwing my hands up. “you know what! i give up.” i started walking out the door wiping the single tear that had formed in my eye. but sirius stopped me.

“wait, i’m sorry too.” he said “you came back. you’re here. and i was just pissed because you were back for two minutes and already started questioning my decisions.”

“wait.” i asked confused “no, i wasn’t. your decisions?”

“yeah, i’m still here aren’t i?” he asked. “i’m still here because Dumbledore told me to be here. do you think i haven’t had doubts about him? about this whole thing? because i have. everyday. i imagine myself lying on the beach or sneaking into some hotel because i can. i don’t want to live like this either. and you just, reminded me of how much i could be doing.”

he ended with his voice getting quieter and quieter. i didn’t know what to say. i thought about the polyjuice potion brewing downstairs but i wasn’t going to ruin the surprise in a moment of weakness.

“i’m sorry, that i remind you over and over again that you’re stuck here.” my voice was a little frigid. “i’m just, mad at the man, even though it’s not really his fault. none of this is.” sirius sat down on his bed so i did too.

“can- i ask you something?” i asked a little timidly, i wasn’t sure if i even wanted to know the answer but at the same time-

he nodded.

“the birthday card i sent you last year-“

sirius tensed. “do you, did you notice anything wrong with it?” i finished quietly.

“i- i wish i had, but i- didn’t. it was a birthday card. i read it. over and over again after i found out. and in context, i should have realized it was off.” but i shook my head and linked my arm through his. “it wasnt possible.” i whispered. “he made sure it wasn’t possible.”

at least after that, sirius started talking to me. we had fun, we spent most of the morning making lunch, and most of the evening making dinner. i found a cookbook in the library that i hadn’t seen last time, but i had barely paid attention to the library, i thought the books in my arsenal were enough. i wanted vegetarian food, but sirius liked meat, so we compromised and he ate my vegetarian food everyday. it was fun trying out new recipes. i wondered if mr and mrs weasley knew that i was back at sirius’s place, but since they hadn’t come to visit even once, i figured they didn’t. i wrote to them telling them i was here because i thought it would be rude if they found out from someone other than me. and i was right because the very next day, mrs weasley popped in. she could apparate because there was no one with her.

as soon as she saw me she gave me a big hug. i had put off telling her for so long because i was afraid she’d judge me or try to convince me to go back, but she didn’t. she did replenish our groceries though. and told me that it would be ok.

“arthur’s sorry he couldn’t be here dear” she said sweetly. “there was an emergency at the ministry. there was another muggle attack.-“

“hold on, another?” i asked.

she sighed sadly. “they’re just chalking it up to malfunctioning magical items.” she said. “no one has claimed the attacks and there’s always been mistrust against muggles, even during the time voldemort was dead. so the ministry is trying their best to hush it all up. they still won’t accept that it might be the work of death eaters though.”

“that’s ridiculous!” i exclaimed.

“it is dear, but that’s what the order is for.”

“speaking of the order, mrs. weasley.” i started with a smile. “do you know when the next meeting is?”

“i don’t know.” she said checking her watch “i have to go dear, arthur could be home any minute and i should be there.”

“oh of course mrs weasley.” i said a little sadly because that meant one less person for company.

“sirius?” i called after she disappeared with a crack. he came dashing down.

“hm?”

“mrs weasley just left.”

“she was here?” he asked.

“just got a few minutes, she dropped these off. i pointed at the bags on the floor.”

“did you call me to help you carry them into the kitchen?” he asked.

i smiled innocently.

i followed him into the kitchen and watched as he used one flick to put away all the food.

i still hadn’t tried to use sorcery. i was too scared, because if it still didn’t work, then i wouldn’t have anything. especially since i wasn’t even going to school anymore. either way, i didn’t use sorcery much. it was too easy to lose control. but still, i wanted it. it felt like something to fall back on. i didn’t want to fall, but i still needed it there just in case. i was determined not to find out. i just ignored my feelings until i got a letter from mcgonogall at the end of september.

Rose,

I came across a book about magic and it’s workings. it’s very complicated but basically, there have been documented instances of magic in a witch or wizard that stops working after they’ve suffered a deep trauma. this issue should resolve anywhere from six months to a year.

i hope you are well, you need not reply to this letter.

Professor M Mcgonogall.

Six months to a year? so this was common? but she didn’t know about my sorcery. my wizardry would come back. but would my sorcery? and even if it didn’t, it would be ok right? i spent so long convincing myself that i didn’t need it, but the thought that i’d never get it back- it was almost too much. i wondered if i should tell sirius about my loss of sorcery but i didn’t see the point. i had told him i didn’t use it anyway so he wouldn’t be concerned. i kept in touch with Hermione. her letters were becoming increasingly panicked. she would stress out about small things so much even though she was getting As in everything. i tried my best to calm her down, but not being there, i couldn’t really do much. she told me about how much umbridge really sucked and about her idea for a secret defense against the dark arts class taught by Harry. i shared this with sirius because i knew he’d appreciate it, and he was delighted. he and Harry kept in touch as well. he told me about the times last year when he communicated to Harry over floo network but i told him about what Dumbledore had said about the ministry monitoring most channels. sirius however, didn’t seem to concerned because this house “technically didn’t even exist” so there was no way they would know to monitor the floo network here. i wasn’t convinced so he avoided using it. until of course he did.

mid-october we were getting a lot of rain and it was quite depressing. remus came by a lot, and that helped sirius’s mood at least. he seemed happier when remus was around. but of course he was. remus was the only friend from Hogwarts he had left. of course he was happy. i didn’t know why, but i would feel myself getting slightly jealous every time remus would come and they would spend hours at a time together. they would include me of course, but it wasn’t really the same. i always felt slightly out of it, uncomfortable. not at all like how i felt with just sirius, or any of my friends. i pushed the feelings of jealousy down though, it wasn’t fair of me to ask sirius to stop laughing so much with remus just because i couldn’t. i didn’t want to be alone though so sometimes i would just sit on the side and read a book while they talked in the living room.

one particular evening about two weeks before halloween, remus showed up while sirius and i were cooking dinner.

“remus!” sirius greeted him and ushered him.

“hey!” i said too. “we’re just making dinner. do you want to stay?”

“i would love to, it smells amazing.” he said “what is it?”

i wasn’t really sure so i looked in the cookbook.

“polenta lasagna with roasted red peppers.” i read.

“yeah, that’s what we’re making.” sirius agreed sitting next to remus at the dining table.

i could tell that they wanted to talk alone, so i excused them. “so this is almost done, you two can go if you want to. i’ll call you when it’s done baking.” i half hoped they wouldn’t go, but sirius swung the cloth onto the oven handle and smiled at me before walking out with remus.

“thanks rose!” remus called out.

“you’re- welcome.” i said meekly. know i didn’t have anything to do except sit at the dining table and wait for the lasagna to cook. maybe know would be a good time to see if my sorcery would work?

i looked at my hand and turned it around but then a dread settled in my stomach and i quickly put it onto the table and held it with the other hand. no, i didn’t want to find out. not now, not with remus sitting in the hallway.

i kind of just wandered around the kitchen reorganizing kitchen utensils while laughter floated in from the hallway. i didn’t even realize it but a spatula that i was holding snapped in my hands. i hoped they couldn’t hear it, but the sounds stopped.

“is everything ok?” sirius came in sounding unsure.

“yeah!” i fake smiled, “but the lasagna is actually almost ready so if you want to get out the plates-“

“yeah.” sirius sounded a little reluctant. but he called remus in and he came in and pulled out another plate and a couple of glasses.

i took out the lasagna from the oven and placed it on the table.

“this is amazing.” remus complimented when we started eating.

“thanks” i smiled, “sirius and i have way too much time so we started this hours ago, actually.”

after dinner, sirius and remus offered to clean everything up so i went upstairs and went to bed. then i had nothing to do but think about how the spatula had inadvertently broken in my hand.

“it’s because i miss my friends.” i told myself. “i’m jealous of sirius and remus because they’re friends and they’re here together and having fun, but Hermione isn’t here. none of my friends are. that’s all.” but even as i said it loud to myself, it was unconvincing, but there was no other reason i could think of. maybe, because sirius was the only friend i had? i couldn’t really be friends with remus, he was my professor for a whole year so we still had a student teacher relationship. i really liked him, but it wasn’t a joking and laughing relationship. actually, now that i thought about it, sirius and i didn’t really have a joking relationship either. he just made me feel safe, and the fact that he understood, or at least had went through a trauma too made me feel less isolated when i was with him. was i jealous of remus because sirius wanted to spend time with him? or was i jealous of the actual time they spent. i hated myself for even being jealous. they’d been friends for decades, sirius had known me for a year, barely. it wasn’t fair. i stared at the ceiling as i was lying down on my bed. i didn’t even know what i was thinking about but a. while later i heard a knock on the door. it only could have been sirius and i wasn’t sure i wanted to talk to him. but he knocked again so i sighed in defeat and went to open the door.

“ok. what’s wrong?” he demanded pushing into my room like i had the day i banged on his door to let me in.

“nothing.” i said. “why would you ask me that?”

“oh come on, let’s not pretend that you haven’t been acting distant for the past few days.” he said.

“distant? me? no! i’ve just been- thinking.”

“right. you broke a spatula today.” he continued.

“that was an accident.”

“yeah, an accident that happened when we left you alone in the kitchen.”

i didn’t say anything. what was i even supposed to say? i hate that you leave me alone when you and remus go off and laugh at your inside jokes? i would sound horrible.

“is it because we left you alone?” sirius asked quieter.

“no, sirius.” i bounced into the bed. “i just, sometimes feel lonely i guess.” i sighed “i mean, before, during the summer. it was just us, and it was great, but then, Hermione and Harry and the weasleys were here and the house was always bustling with some activity, and now, its quiet all the time. and i have way too much time to think.”

sirius sat down next to me. “are you saying that i’m not enough?” he asked. maybe he was joking but i really was not trying to make him feel like that.

“no!” i exclaimed “that’s the point. you’re enough. you make me feel, not lonely, i’ve never really had a father who cared about me before, and i know it’s not fair for me to feel like this, but i just feel lonely when you’re spending time laughing with remus and i’m just stuck outside in the kitchen or whatever.”

“but, you’re with us most of the time.” sirius said.

“yeah, but it’s not the same. i feel better when i’m sitting with you guys, but i’m still a third wheel.” i sighed. “sirius, it’s not fair of me to unload this on you. i’m sorry, i know that he’s your best friend, and it’s not your fault i’m afraid of loneliness.” i tried to end as a joke, but sirius looked serious.

“i’m sorry that we made you feel lonely.” he said seriously.

“no, it’s not what you did. you guys have an amazing dynamic and i- i miss Hermione.” this was getting a little awkward and it was getting into a touchey feeling territory and i wasn’t a fan.

“i understand.” he said “i really do. and from now on, you should sit with us. we’ll talk about topics you understand.”

i smiled a little. “ok, but you’ll have to think like, way younger.” i joked. “like, way younger.”

“ok i’m not that old.” he said defectingly.

as he stood up, i did too, he gave me a hug and walked out and i gave a slight wave which he didn’t see.

i went back to bed groaning. i couldn’t believe he had figured out that i was upset. how did he do that? that was incredibly embarrassing. i felt so bad, did i basically tell sirius that i wanted him to stop hanging out with remus? or even worse, i’d be that person and include myself in their conversations even when i clearly wasn’t welcome. i couldn’t sleep that night from continued humiliation and when the next morning came around i could barely bring it up to go out to see sirius. i figured he would come knocking on my door if i didn’t go out, but i didn’t know if i cared. so i stayed in bed staring at the ceiling. i was right, sirius came to my room with lunch, which he hadnt done or had to do since i had the encounter with the boggart.

“i kind of didn’t want to see you today.” i said awkwardly.

“yeah i figured that’s why you didn’t come down. so i came up.” he sat down on my bed and placed the tray on the dresser next to my bed.

“look, about last night-“

“there was nothing wrong with last night.” he smiled

“no, i basically just told you that i hated it when you were with someone other than me. and that was terrible. i don’t need to be with you all the time. just forget it.”

“ro, there’s nothing wrong with feeling lonely,” he said.

i smiles and pulled the tray to me. “thanks for lunch, but please forget what i said last night.”

“i’m not going to do that. and you’re not going to start acting all weird. remus may be my best friend, but you’re the person i spend all day with, so if you start avoiding me. we’re both going to be super lonely.”

i smiled. “thanks for lunch sirius.” i whispered, “but did you eat already?”

he shook his head.

“great, then we’re eating together. am i bringing this tray down or do you want to bring your food up?”

“i’ll be right back.” he darted out and i waited for him felling slightly better. but i kind of hated how he could say exactly the right thing or make me feel better when i didn’t think i deserved to. we ate lunch together and then i happily went downstairs to clean up since he made lunch. he still helped me clean up.

remus didn’t come over for a few days after that, i wondered if sirius asked him not to and that made me feel embarrassed and terrible all over again. i checked on the polyjuice potion which was almost ready. i was determined to make it ready by november 3rd anyway, and i thought it would be done by done. i however, had completely forgot about one day before then that was one of the worst days of sirius’s life. Halloween.

i woke up that morning not particularly excited because i had no feast to look forward to, and it’s not like i could hand out candy to children in that house.

but when i walked down, remus and sirius were sitting in the kitchen in silence.

i paused at the bottom of the stairs and looked between them when it hit me. halloween. it was the day james and lily potter had been murdered and sirius had been falsely accused and carted off to prison. i walked silently and sat down at the table too. neither of them looked up.

i didn’t want to be the first person to say anything.

“it’s been 14 years.” sirius said finally.

“14 years.” remus repeated. “we should talk to Harry.”

“talk to Harry?” i asked relieved that they were talking after all this time.

“yeah, the floo network.” sirius said “we did it last year.”

“wait, no. last year was different.” i said standing up because they stood up too.

“tonight?” remus asked.

“i’ll write him a letter right away.”

“wait, sirius! remus! i called out after them. “Dumbledore told me that the ministry was monitoring the floo networks!”

“yes,” remus said pausing, while sirius continued to go find a paper and quill. “but, they would have to look at the exact right network at the exact right time and i doubt they’re monitoring the Hogwarts ones all the time because they don’t expect students to have access to floo networks because they know students don’t know there’s one in Hogwarts.” that didn’t really reassure me but sirius was already writing the letter and i knew i couldn’t stop them.

sirius decided that night at 2 am would be ok since the next day was saturday anyway, Harry would be able to sleep in a little.

remus stayed the rest of the day and sirius made a point of including me in the conversation but that just made me feel awkward because i knew they kind of wanted to be alone. finally, i decided to excuse myself.

“i’m going to make an early dinner.” i said. “we skipped lunch so i’ll finish it as early as possible.”

“yeah, we’ll help.” sirius said quickly standing up but i shook my head. “no, sirius, i’ll make dinner. don’t worry.”

“are you sure?” sirius looked unsure but i nodded firmly.

“seriously.” i gave a small smile. even though i wasn’t sure how i was supposed to act. 14 years, it was a long time but still, an anniversary of your best friends’ murders and false imprisonment for 12 years was probably not something that you just forgot. i knew they wouldn’t really care about dinner, but i wanted to leave them alone for a while. i just decided to make a feel good meal that my fathers cook had made for me when i felt down.

honestly, my heart wasn’t even in it. the last couple of years that i had spent with Harry on halloween, it didn’t even affect him. maybe it was because he didn’t remember, but he was always ok on halloween. i wouldn’t have even known they died on that day if it wasn’t for barty last year, rubbing it in my face. it was the day Harry’s name had come out of the goblet of fire and the first day the plan was set in motion. even though it was almost no accomplishment, barty would not shut up about it. apparently the 13 year anniversary of his boss dying was a bigger deal than anything that was to come because he was a mix between really happy that at least they were on the right track to bring voldemort back, and really mad that he had ended up dying in the first place. i remembered specific days in detail and that halloween was one of them. he had thrown stuff but was also really happy, it was terrifying, more than usual. i stared absentmindedly thinking of the exact events of that night.

it was as if voldemort dying that night was somehow my fault. the way he had shoved me into the wall of the trunk. the way he had traced the point of the shape knife along my throat as if he was taunting me. showing that he could have cut it any second. the fact that that night, he wanted nothing but blood. he had grabbed my hand and cut a huge slit across my palm. it wasn’t even the worst way he had hurt me, but for some reason, that cut had affected me the most out of all the cuts. the insanity in his eyes that had grown deeper as every moment went on. i should have kept my mouth shut but i couldn’t help making sarcastic comments which had landed me in the 6th chest with my ribs cracked and lying on the floor of the cold, furniture less place. when he finally opened the hatch the next day, i had to pull myself up the ladder with the broken ribs because he had refused to help me. but at least he had let me out of the freezer. that’s what he had called it because it was a torture chamber but he thought dungeon sounded too intense and harsh. although i would have thought even dungeon was downplaying it. he didn’t throw me down there very often, only when i was particularly annoying, and after the boggart encounter, i had thought about it and realized he never had thrown me after his version of the ball.

i shook my head trying to snap out of the freezer but i couldn’t, i felt cold like a dementor has settled in. like a burning cold.

i stares at my palm, the place where he had dragged the knife over last year. i didn’t mean to do it, but i was holding the knife anyway because i was cutting vegetables, and i dragged it over the scar. my hand started bleeding a little bit i didn’t really feel pain. i stares at the blood rushing down my palm and realized the cut was deeper than i had intended it to be.

then something started smoking which brought me back. “great” i muttered waving a cloth over the small flame. the smoke detector started beeping and sirius and remus both came running into the kitchen. remus extinguished the flame with his wand that had gotten bigger while i aired it and sirius grabbed my arm and wrapped something over it yelling something. i hadn’t even realized that my sleeve had caught on fire. that must have been what the burning cold sensation was. i watched silently as sirius put out the flame on my arm and pulled up the sleeve to reveal a massive burn.

he hadn’t noticed the cut. i kept my palm closed.

“are you ok?” they were both asking but i couldn’t focus, it was like the voices were coming from far away. there was a ringing in my ears that continued even after the fire alarm had been turned off. i think i stumbled into a chair, or maybe they helped me into it, either way. i ended up sitting, looking weakly at the burn on my arm.

“are you ok?” the voice strengthened a little and i finally came around enough to focus completely on the severity of the situation. it was probably remus asking because sirius would never ask me that.

“did i- catch on fire?” i asked looking at them.

“did you not feel it?” sirius sounded really concerned. i looked down at my arm.

“wow, that does not look good.” i said looking at the burn. it hadn’t started to hurt yet.

“i can fix that.” i heard remus say. and he did, with a simple wave of his wand.

“did you sleep last night?” sirius asked.

i nodded. “yeah, but our sleep. you know?”

“hold on.” remus has stepped up and grabbed my hand. i opened it absentmindedly to reveal that the blood had smeared all over my hand.

“what happened?” he asked concerned.

i stares at the blood. i don’t know why i had done it. “i don’t. i just cut it while cutting the vegetables.” i said slowly. but remus didn’t seem to believe me.

“you cut your palm?” he asked skeptically.

that’s when i shook out of it.

“yeah, i was trying to slice the bell pepper in my hand.” i said firmly. i didn’t want to explain anything else, and not only because i didn’t know /how/ i would explain it.

“ok, remus. i’m going to take her upstairs. you should stay for Harry’s answer.”

“no i don’t need to go upstairs.” i pushed him off lightly. “i made a mistake, i zoned out for like a minute and i caused a fire, but i’m fine.and the cut was, and accident. really.”

“ok,” sirius our his hands up in a surrendering motion. “but you should at least go sit down. i’ll make dinner.”

i figured he was right, so i walked with remus to the living room.

“i’m sorry.” i said to him

“you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.” he said solemnly. “how are you feeling?”

“i’m ok.” i lied. he was my professor and he wasn’t sirius.

we sat in silence for a while until an owl came and knocked on a window with its beak. remus quickly went up to go get it.

“sirius! it’s from Harry!” he called opening the paper. “he says he can see us tonight at 2 am.”

“that’s great!” sirius came out of the kitchen. “it’s been months since we’ve seen him. it’ll be fun.” but i was worried. i knew remus was right, the odds that they would look at the exact fireplace at the exact time, especially with Dumbledore still as headmaster. odds were in our favor. but still, there was a small nagging feeling that wouldn’t go away.

remus stayed and it wasn’t hard to stay up until 2 am, but i took a quick nap on the grandfather single couch next to the fireplace while sirius and remus were still awake and talking.

at 2 am i woke up slightly. i wasn’t really asleep anyway. sirius and remus were kneeling in fRont of the fireplace. i was sitting next to it anyway so i didn’t get up and kneel next to them.

“Harry!” sirius said.

“sirius! remus! it’s so nice to see you guys!” Harry said. i smiled from the back

“is ro there too?”

“yeah, hi Harry!” i called getting up to see him sirius scooted closer time remus so i could kneel on the other side of him.

“ro!” it was Hermiones voice. “sirius! remus! it’s so good to see you guys. but what’s wrong?” she asked “i mean you guys just send a letter asking to talk face to face randomly, is everything ok?”

“everythings fine.” remus said. “we just thought it had been too long, so we’re here.”

i nodded. Ron came up from behind and suddenly there were six heads in the fireplace.

“ouch Ron!” Harry exclaimed. “that’s my head!”

“sorry!” he said apologetically “hey guys! what’s going on?”

“nothing much here.” we said. “you guys?”

and then Harry explained the whole Dumbledores army thing they were doing. “we found the room of requirement” Harry explained. “well dobby did, but still, we have over 30 members. it’s really helpful.” sirius looked really excited and proud but remus and i weren’t too sure.

“be careful, Harry.” remus warned.

“honestly i’m surprised you’re ok with this Hermione.” i said.

“are you kidding! it was Hermiones idea!” Ron said proudly. “she’s a genius, this one.” Hermione looked a little embarrassed but i smiled.

after Harry had explained the detentions and how umbridge was making them write with their own blood, sirius got super mad. “and i can’t even tell Dumbledore because she’d win.” Harry said.

“seriously?” sirius sounded a little angry.

“you’re willing to write with your own blood because you don’t want-“

“-to give her the satisfaction of knowing that it hurts me.” Harry finished.

“fine.” sirius said “but you guys should find a way to make her pay. i wish i could.”

“i think we’re already doing that.” Ron said “by holding the Dumbledores army meetings right under her giant nose. no wonder she can’t see what’s happening.” he laughed to himself and Hermione rolled her eyes.

“sirius. we should go to bed.” Harry said after about an hour. “we have a lot of homework and i have quidditch practice tomorrow-“ he let his voice trail off and we nodded. “it was great seeing you guys.” i smiled and wished i could hug Hermione.

“yeah you too.” Harry said and Hermione made a motion like she wanted to hug me but then recoiled because of the fire.

“write to me.” she said as we pulled our heads out of the fire with a pop.

it was 3 am, we had talked to them for an hour. sirius turned to remus.

“you’re staying right?”

remus nodded with a yawn. “i suppose tonight, wouldn’t want to disapperate this tiredly.”

and he went up to one of the many empty rooms to go to bed. sirius turned to me.

“are you ok?” he asked and i remembered the fire incident that had happened a few hours ago. i looked down at my arm and saw there was barely a little peeling skin left and that it would completely heal in a couple of hours.

i shrugged lightly and looked into his dark eyes. even though he’d been out of azkaban for more than two years, the haunted look had never truly left them. his whole body, his whole demeanor had left azkaban behind, but his eyes hadn’t, and i knew neither had his soul. 12 years, one didn’t just get over that, no matter how much he claimed to be ok, it was like me claiming to be ok. i knew he wasn’t.

“are you?” i asked. “i know today was-difficult.”

“for both of us apparently.” he said.

i nodded, “but it’s over. and seeing Harry, did it make you feel, better?”

“i think so.” sirius said “he reminds me so much of james. the Dumbledore army thing. that’s exactly what we would have done in that situation.” i smiled imagining sirius teaching magic to a bunch of kids his age. i couldn’t see him as a teacher. remus, definitely, maybe even james, but not sirius.

“i’m not sure i would have been a teacher though.” sirius said thoughtfully and i raised an eyebrow.

“that’s exactly what i was thinking!” i joked.

“yeah i would have been too busy helping the girls with the correct wand pose. you know.” he stepped behind me and lifted my right arm. “hold the wand like this.” i smiled a little.

“yeah, that i can imagine you doing.” i said . “what better way to hit on girls but to wrap your arms around them to help them?”

he laughed.

“do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly. “why you caught on fire today?”

i shook my head. “not now.” i said “not in the dark. not tonight.”

sirius nodded. “tomorrow will be better.” he said and we walked up the stairs together and went into our own rooms.

“tomorrow will be better.” i repeated time myself over and again desperately hoping he was right. i’d never let myself be caught off guard like that before. i’d never just zoned out or been sucked into the events of last year. i hated that it was starting right now. what could have possibly triggered it i wondered lying in bed with the light still on, staring at the ceiling. the light was always on in my room. probably not great for the electric bill, but still. i couldn’t sleep in the darkness. i could tell sirius couldn’t either because anytime i would step outside, light would always be coming from under his doorframe.

  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

the next day, remus left after lunch. he said he would try to come by for sirius’s birthday but if he did, that would ruin the plan i had. i knew remus wouldn’t tell Dumbledore, but at the same time, i kind of wanted this to be between us. they had a lot of experiences they could share. after this, sirius and i would have just the one, not counting like boggart attacks and panic attacks and stuff. there was just one day left and the polyjuice was ready. i just had to get hair from a random muggle. i told sirius i was going down to the grocery shop the day after remus left and plucked a hair off a guys head. he winced but i kept walking like i hadn’t seen it.

excitement flooded me. i knew sirius hadn’t been able to step foot outside in months and i wondered what his reaction would be like. there were moments during the day of november 2nd when doubt filled me. what if this wasn’t as good of an idea as i thought? what is the poly juice potion wore off and i didn’t have anymore, or i hadn’t made it right and it stopped working in less than an hour. or worse, what if i got his hopes up and he drank it, and it didn’t work at all? all of these possibilities swirled around in my head, but in the end i realized that there was always something to worry about and that i couldn’t always leave in fear and doubt. id already basically dropped out of school because i couldn’t bare to be back in the place where i had been imprisoned.

i went to bed early so i could wake up early, but sirius seemed suspicious of my early departure. “you never go to bed this early.” he said as i started up the stairs.

i shrugged innocently.

“are you planning something for tomorrow?” he asked. “because i really don’t want anything special.”

i looked at him, “trust me sirius, what i have planned for tomorrow, you’re going to want.” i gave him a sly smile and went upstairs. i didn’t sleep as early as i had wanted to so i heard him go up to bed at 11pm, but my alarm still woke me up at 8, when i normally woke up at 11.

i went downstairs quietly after getting dressed and made sirius’s favorite breakfast, even though i didn’t eat meat, i figured i could suck up the smell for one day. i was wrong. the bacon smelled terrible as i cooked it and i involuntarily gagged a little as i plated it.

“don’t judge him for eating animals.” i told myself as i placed the plates on the tray and took it upstairs. sirius was already awake though, as there was no one in his bed. i couldn’t keep in my smile as i waited for him to finish in the bathroom and walk outside.

a few minutes later, a sleepy looking sirius walked out of the bathroom ruffling his hair. he clearly hadn’t combed it yet because it was still knotted and falling all over the fRont of his face.

“woah. sirius!” i exclaimed as he, half asleep tried to climb back into bed.

he shook is head and woke up fully.

“rose! what?”

but i didn’t give him a chance to finish.

“happy birthday mr. black!” i said as i placed the tray on the dresser.

“i made breakfast, and i have a special gift, but it’s downstairs.” i said.

“you, made bacon?” he asked sleepily, yawning while getting out of bed to go brush his teeth.

“birthday special!” i said. “don’t get used to it, i’m never touching the stuff again.”

as he was getting ready, i went downstairs to get the poly juice potion and the hairs i had saved. i knew you had to drink the potion within a few hours of adding in the dna so i had saved that part for last.

i was so excited as i walked up the stairs that i had to try extra hard not to spill a drop. i already had a flask filled up with more so that we could stay out for more than an hour.

by the time i got upstairs, sirius was already eating.

“this is great.” he told me.

“it’s just bacon.” i replied

“i know, but i can’t cook it like this. here sit down.” he moved over a little.

“you’re not going to offer me any?” i joked and he looked a little guilty before he realized what i had asked.

“very funny.”

“so, what do you want to do today?” i asked casually pretending that i had nothing planned.

“well, you clearly have a plan.” he said eyeing the cup in my hand.

“fine.” i smiled. “i honestly can’t believe i kept this a secret for the last two months.”

sirius nodded prompting me to go on, shoving another forkful of the eggs and bacon into his mouth.

“poly juice potion!” i explained. “i got the hair off some dude a couple of days ago, and i think there’s enough for a few hours today and like 40 more.”

he looked up from the plate, “you made polyjuice potion?” he asked slowly. i nodded excitedly.

“yeah! so today, we can go out?” i asked hopefully.

“you hid from me, for two months, that you were making polyjuice potion, in my own home, in order to surprise me.” he asked but it wasn’t really a question.

“yeah. sirius.” i said matching his tone. “poly juice potion, but just for you. today, or any other day you want to. not a big deal but i’ve been waiting to surprise you for months now.”

“that’s so- impressive.” he said. not quite what i was going for.

“ok, but, more than impressive, it’s something that you want to do right?” i asked kind of discouraged.

“are you kidding?” he put the tray on the dresser and stood up so i stood up too.

“what?”

“it’s amazing! i mean, you made poly juice potion for me? so i can go out on my birthday?”

he hugged me and i was finally feeling what i wanted to. i threw my hands over his shoulders and he flung me around.

“today? we’re going out right after breakfast?” he asked

“whenever you want.” i smiled. “i have a few hours but i can take more if you want me to-“

“no, a few hours is great. that way i can go out more.”

“so whenever you’re ready, you should take this and come down.” i said. “i’m just going to pack some things for us to take, you know. on our day out.” i elbowed him a little.

just as i had walked into the kitchen, i heard the fRont door rattle. there was a doorbell but as ringing it agitated the portrait of mars black, those who could appease just did it straight to the entrance. i guess there were a couple of times when the weasley family came and then when Harry came. they used the fRont door, but obviously it wasn’t necessary for everyone.

i winced and went to see who it was. it was most likely remus because he was the only member who visited often if at all after school started. i didn’t know if remus would be ok with this whole poly juice potion plan. he was the most careful marauder, and i didn’t want him telling Dumbledore. besides, the more evil part of me thought about the possibility that remus would want to join and i really wanted to spend the day with sirius myself. i knew it wasn’t fair, but remus was over every single day, and he had had more time with sirius anyway.

“remus!” exclaimed shoving the bag i was packing into a shelf in the kitchen.

“hey rose!” he entered the kitchen through the living carrying a very large box. “where’s sirius?”

“he’s upstairs.” i said trying to think of a quick excuse to stop him from going up.

“yeah, i was just stopping by to drop of his present and say happy birthday.” he said looking up.

“that’s great, he’ll be happy to see you, but, um, right now, he has the- stomach flu.” i invented and remus looked at me suspiciously.

“yeah.” i continued going with it. “i just saw him like ten minutes ago and he’s throwing up like crazy. i really wouldn’t go up there because i can’t even see him like normal. ever again. i mean, it’s bad.” i nodded.

“ok, well. i guess i will be back tomorrow.” remus was obviously not buying it but it was working. but just then, sirius, came down looking like a blonde 16 year old girl.

“you said you got a guy!” i heard him say in a female voice from up the stairs.

remus looked at me and i smiled nervously. “ok, the stomach flu might have been a lie.” i said.

he raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything until sirius came downstairs all the way in over sized clothing and stopped between me and remus.

“remus? you’re here?” he asked a little nervously.

“and you’re a girl.” remus pointed out.

“ok, look, it was my birthday gift to him.” i tried to explain.

“yes. she, made poly juice potion, after-actually, where did you get the ingredients?” he asked.

“i stole them. on my last day at Hogwarts. from snapes personal storage.” i mumbled.

if i thought i would get in trouble with remus i was wrong. both of them looked proud and impressed.

“and she hid it from me.” sirius said. “after making it perfectly.”

i smiled embarrassed. i had never had a father be proud of my accomplishments and i was happy the sirius was noticing what i was doing.

“except until the part where she stole the hair of a girl.” sirius ended jokingly.

“to be fair. i only saw her from the back and i really thought it was a guy.” i said apologetically. “also. sirius, you look hot as a girl. i kind of hope i run into her again so i can get her number.”

remus laughed but sirius didn’t find it funny.

“so, we’re wasting time.” sirius said. “remus?” here it comes, i thought, sirius was going to ask him to go with him.

“you’re not going to tell Dumbledore?”

remus looked surprised that he even needed to ask that. “are you kidding?” he said. “this is the first time that you’re going out freely in months, if not years. why would i stop that?”

and that’s when the terrible feeling hit me. remus deserved this. how could i take over this day. sirius’s free birthday, where he was free from even the confines of being sirius black. i wanted to go with him, so so badly. i wanted to experience what he experienced with his friends, but i would never come close. even if i wanted to, i would never be remus. i groaned internally because i knew what i was going to say next no matter how much i would hate it.

“you should go with him remus.” i said and he started saying no. but i shook my head. “no, you deserve it. go out.” i took out the back that i had poorly stuffed into the drawer handed it to remus. “there’s more

poly juice potion, and you can get hair off an actual man so you two dont look so weird.” i explained. “but there’s only enough for a few hours so, remus, get him back before he can turn into the notorious mass murderer ok?” even though i knew they would only be gone for a few hours, i still felt like sirius was leaving me forever. i reminded myself he wouldn’t do that. not on purpose anyway. if he was going to run away, he’d tell me first, i knew that for sure. why did i want to cry then?

sirius and remus looked at each other and sirius looked at me imploringly. “are you sure?” his deep black eyes seemed to ask but i smiled and nodded.

“you’re sure?” remus asked one last time.

“absolutely.” i said.

i walked away before they had time to say anything else but a few moments later, i heard footsteps following me and i turned around. the 16 year old figure of sirius black stood before me.

“what are you doing?” i asked tilting my head. “you’re wasting time, it’s already been 15 minutes.”

“i would love to go out with remus.” sirius started. “but this was supposed to be our day together outside. you’ve been here the whole time, and i just don’t feel good about leaving you alone.”

wow, i don’t think he meant it that way, but i kind of felt like a second option.

“sirius, it’s kind of hard for me to take you seriously like this.” i said as a joke and then winced. “not because you’re a girl, just because i don’t know this person. the point is-“ i quickly recovered “i don’t need you to feel bad about leaving me alone. it’s not like you’re- leaving me alone.” i said lamely. “just, find someone more age appropriate to remus and go have fun.” i said. sirius came over and hugged me. i didn’t know what to do, so i just lifted my arms up awkwardly without actually embracing him/her.

“tomorrow, we’re going out.” he said pulling out. i followed him downstairs.

“i’ll find some else, and we can go out tomorrow.” i nodded half heartedly.

“so, this was my birthday gift to sirius.” remus said pointing to the box. “and thanks rose. this means so much to me. i mean, a whole day with my best friend-“ he said dreamily. “i’ve been wanting this for so long. never thought i’d get it again.” i smiled but it felt forced. i hoped they couldn’t tell. i know i was supposed to feel like a good person but i didn’t. i felt fake. i felt jealous and evil, like even though they were going out together i was the evil queen or the homophobic government that was trying to stand between them. i’d never felt like that and i hated the feeling.

i felt bad about opening remus’ gift to sirius, but i couldn’t help it. it was just a box of booze. there were so many flavors, and i being 15, hadn’t tried any of it, except champagne, which now i would never drink again because barty had served it on the night of the yule ball. i pulled out a bottle and a cup from the shelf and poured myself a small glass. it was terrible. it burned so much as it went down and it didn’t even taste good. i winced and closed the bottle and put it back in the box. there were 15 types of liquor in the box and i ended up liking three of them. the firewhiskey especially, didn’t taste like alcohol at all, it just burned warmly as it went down. i grabbed the entire bottle and the glass i had been drinking out of and sat in the grandfather armchair i had basically taken over. i didn’t feel like watching tv so i just turned on the fireplace and settled in. i started crying, crying and drinking the fire whiskey. once i started i couldn’t stop. i was so close to having a fun day with sirius. but now i was sitting by myself, drinking when i had never drank before. and crying into the fireplace. halfway into the bottle. i realized i should stop drinking. i couldn’t feel my finger tips anymore. things were starting to look blurred. i didn’t know about control anymore. i had no idea what my limit was because i’d never drank before, so i put the fire whiskey down. it felt like minutes but the doorknob of the fRont door rattled again.

“sirius!” i stumbled out of the chair and the the door to greet them. he was just transforming back into himself even though it was clear that he was another man around 40 years old. they looked nothing alike though and i watched him shrink like 4 inches before he stopped.

“you’re back!” i said happily draping myself over both of them. “how was it?”

“it was great!” remus said. “are you?-“ but i had pulled both of them to the living room.

“so you guys need to tell me everything.”

i said.

“i actually think, remus should go now.” sirius said eyeing the half empty fire whiskey bottle near the chair and remus looked uncertain but also like he wanted to agree.

“i think that i should.”

“no!” i said quickly. “why? you should stay, we could have a party.”

“no.” sirius said firmly. “it was a long day. remus has to go.”

“yeah. i’ll be back soon,” remus said. before disappearing.

“what did you do!” sirius asked me sternly.

picking up the bottle.

“i actually drank more than that.” i said a little quietly.

“obviously. why would you do that?”

i shrugged. “why shouldn’t i?”

“because you don’t seem in control.”

i was swaying a little but i stopped immediately.

“and why should i always be in control?” i asked a little scarily.

“ok i’m taking you up to bed.” he said putting the bottle back in the box to check how much more i had drank.

“and i’m not leaving you alone tonight. you could choke on your own vomit.”

“asphyxiate?” i asked as sirius tried to get me to drape an arm over him.

“wow that’s a big word for a drunk girl.” he said sarcastically.

“no!” i pulled my arm away. “sirius, i don’t want to go up to bed. you should dance with me.”

“what?” he asked chuckling a little.

“yeah, it’s your birthday. 35? that’s a big deal.”

“it’s not.” he whispered trying to get me to stop moving because he was afraid i was going to fall.

“i don’t like this.” i said after a few minutes.

“what?”

“this feeling, of being drunk.”

“i know.” he whispered and i looked at him. “you do?”

“you feel out of control, right? like you can’t think? it’s why i don’t drink anymore.”

i stumbled into my chair. “i do.” i confirmed.

sirius kneeled next to me, the fire was still crackling and provided the only warmth and light to the room.

“do you want to go to bed.” he asked speaking softly.

i didn’t know what i wanted to do. i looked at sirius who was looking at me very seriously.

“i don’t know.” i whispered. “i don’t know what i want to do. sirius. my magic isn’t working.”

it slipped out of me, i hadn’t meant to say it, but i had been ignoring it for months and now the fear was coming up. but i didn’t think sirius would understand. i couldn’t use wizardry outside Hogwarts anyway and i’d told him i never used sorcery.

he was silent. “i didn’t even know until i went back to Hogwarts.” i said. “during transfiguration, my magic. it wouldn’t work. and i know i said i don’t use sorcery and i really don’t, but i still need it. i feel out of control without it. it was like a clutch, something i could depend on. but now, it doesn’t work, and it didn’t work inside Hogwarts, and i don’t know how i’m ever supposed to feel in control again.”

it all came out of me.

sirius stares at me. he had no idea what to say. he looked horrified.

the look of horror on my face made me want to say something else.

it was like i wanted him to be even more horrified. there was this little part of my brain that wanted sirius to know exactly how worried he should feel. i stares at him for a few more seconds before realizing that i couldn’t tell him. not about the worst night which was saying a lot. if i said it loud, then it would have actually happened. and i didn’t want it to have actually happened. anyway, it didn’t matter. it was over. what would have been the point of telling him that one night barty had thrown me so hard that i had started bleeding. that i had lost something that i didn’t even know i had. it was a night that i didn’t want to relive. and i wouldn’t say it out loud for any other reason than to worry sirius more than he already was. i opened my mouth but then closed it again, and suddenly, i felt drained. “i think i will go to bed.” i whispered trying to stand up not wanting to look at sirius’s shocked expression anymore.

he grabbed my arm and helped me before asking “did you tell anyone?”

i nodded which i instantly regretted because it made me nauseous and dizzy. “professor mcgonagall noticed during transfiguration. so i had to tell her, but no one knows about the sorcery thing.”

“did she- say anything?” he asked reluctantly.

“a few days after i came here, she sent me a letter saying that losing magic’s abilities was common amongst wizards who had undergone trauma.” i chuckled a little at the simplicity of the words. “undergone trauma.” as if that even came close to explaining the last year.

“she said, it could take up to a year for it to come back. but- but i don’t know if my sorcery will.”

“it will.” sirius said confidently. “you should try to use it.”

i laughed humorlessly. “i haven’t even used sorcery in years, besides, if i do try, and it does work, sirius, it’s too easy to lose control.”

“then why are you worried about it not coming back?” he asked helping me up the stairs.

a feeling of frustration settled in. i knew he wouldn’t understand. i don’t even know why i bothered.

“never mind sirius.” i said betraying a little irritation in my voice.

“i didn’t mean-“ sirius sounded offended and that lightened me up.

“no, it’s not your fault, it’s hard, even for me to understand. i just.-“

“you’re out, but not having your magic back, it feels like you’re stuck. like you’ll never fully be out until everything goes back to the way it was.” sirius said suddenly sounding very gruff. we had reached the top of the stairs so it was hard for me to turn to look at him.

“for me, it was the loss of two of my best friends.” sirius said because i was looking at him weirdly.

i nodded, “i’m sorry.” i said “i’m still really drunk-“

“yeah, bed.” sirius assisted me to my bed and tucked me in.

“stay.” i said as he turned to walk away. i kept replaying so many events in my mind and the alcohol was not helping. “please. i don’t want to be alone right now.”

sirius turned around slowly and sat down i bed next to me.

“hey,” he said softly, stroking the hair out of my face. “i’ll always be here.”

i smiled and drifted off to sleep. i guess it was a mistake to ask sirius to stay in bed with me. as soon as i fell asleep, the nightmares that hadn’t been as often lately started. maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the presence of someone else in bed with me because i woke up when sirius yelled “ro stop! it’s just me.” i jolted awake and saw that i was fighting him off, or trying to attack him or something because he was holding my arms trying to stop me from punching him in the face.

“i- what?” i breathed hard and focused on his hands holding my wrists. once i had stopped trying to hit him. he let me go and used his hands to do a calming motion.

“it’s just me.” he repeated breathing hard too.

“oh my gods sirius. i’m so sorry?” i exclaimed tears welling up in my eyes. “oh gods i’m sorry. did i wake you?”

“you sort of, started choking me.” he said massaging his throat. “but it’s ok. i’m ok really, you woke up faster than i expected and you’re really not very stRong.” but i didn’t feel better.

“sirius, let me see” i pulled his hands off his neck and there really wasn’t anything there.

“look, it’s ok, really.” sirius said nicely.

“i’m not sure what triggered it.” i said, but that was a lie. i did know what triggered it. i hated the feeling of someone sleeping next to me, or even a large object next to me while i was lying down. it felt overwhelming like i couldn’t breathe.

“let me get some ice.” i said and even though my legs were trembling i went down to the kitchen to get some ice and wakes back up the stairs.

sirius was just sitting there and when i got back he took the ice pack and gently placed it against his throat.

“are you ok?” he asked and i nodded sitting back down, holding my hands and squeezing them together so i could stop shaking.

“yeah, just a nightmare i guess. sirius. i’m really sorry. i did not expect to attack you.” sirius nodded but winced.

“of course you didn’t mean to attack me.” he said. “and like i said. you’re not that stRong.” he tried to smile meekly but i didn’t feel any better. it was still the middle of the night but i was incredibly hung over. i just managed to get up and run to the bathroom to throw everything up. the fire whiskey burned more coming up than going down but this burn was worse. “no.” i muttered into the toilet bowl. “please don’t think about the burn.” i closed my eyes to shut it out. i had just attacked sirius in my sleep because i had thought he was barty sleeping next to me. but i had never attacked barty, had i? i tried to remember even though i didn’t want to. it was night, and instead of sleeping in his own bed, he would come down into the chest just to see me. sometimes he would just talk about how stupid the students were, about what he did during the day, and asked me to grade papers, but other times, he would wrap his arms around me in bed even when i would wince at his touch. i had wanted to throw him off so many times, choke him like id accidentally done to sirius but i didn’t. mostly because i didn’t sleep when he was next to me. and also because i didn’t have any power in that situation which meant that if i had, he probably would have killed me. or at least made my life worse than he already was. but it was mostly when i would do something wrong that he would lose his temper. if i just stopped and listened to him and did what he wanted me to do, he didn’t hurt me. or at least, didn’t torture me. after the yule ball- that was a different form of torture.

“stop.” i scolded myself. finally retching up everything. i sank next to the toilet even though i tried to hoist myself up. sirius did not come in.

the next day i spent in bed and sirius didn’t come in to talk to me except to give me lunch and then a few hours later, dinner. i could tell he was either scared of me, mad at me, or uncomfortable around me. maybe all three and i couldn’t do anything about it. the time in the chest already ruined my school career, and probably my entire future if my magic never came back. and now it was ruining one of the most important relationships i had. i wanted to go down to talk to him, but one, i didn’t know what to say, and two,if he wanted to talk to me, he would have stuck around for a few more seconds for lunch.

that night i did sleep, i had to because i hadnt slept properly since i had gotten drunk and the alcohol effects hadn’t worn off completely even though i’d thrown it all up.

but i did manage to wake up earlier than sirius and start breakfast. when he finally did come down, i was already in the kitchen making eggs which i did way.

“sirius!” i exclaimed meeting him at the bottom of the stairs. “you’re finally up! i made breakfast.”

sirius yawned. “already?” he asked stumbling to the table.

“yep!” i tilted the pan with the egg in it onto the plate i had already set up on the table.

he picked up a fork a little suspiciously and started eating. i sat in the seat in fRont of him with a fake smile plastered on his face and watched him eat.

“it’s, good.” he said.

“is it? that’s good.” i said. there was an awkward silence between us that had never been there before. i felt like an imposter, like i hadn’t spent the last three months with sirius.

“so did you sleep last night?” i asked a little too loudly. he stopped eating and looked up.

“yeah, mostly. did you?”

i nodded. “yup, not hungover anymore. at all.”

“that’s good.”

again, awkward silence.

“ok. sirius. do you want to talk about the thing?” i asked finally as he was finishing up. i hated even saying it but he wouldn’t talk to me, and i wasn’t sure what to do.

“what thing?” sirius said a little too quickly. “there’s no thing.” he scoffed and got up to wash his plate. i followed him.

“leave the plate.” i said. “i’ll clean up.”

“no i’ve got it.” he said.

“seriously?” i said firmly. “leave it. you’ve been cleaning up after my messes for too long. you don’t have to do it.”

that made him stop washing the plate and look at me. there was a tenseness in his eyes i hadn’t seen before. it looked like he wanted to agree with me but thought that if he did, i would fall apart.

“is that what you think is happening?” he asked seriously. “that you’re a burden?”

i hadn’t actually used the word burden, but it felt right after he said it.

“i didn’t-“

“you’re not!” he exclaimed. “i’m not cleaning up after your messes. you’re not a mess. you’re just going through a tough time. believe me, i understand. the only reason, that i didn’t fall apart completely after azkaban was the thought of going after peter and protecting Harry.”

i stood silently. he sounded really passionate and like he truly believed that i wasn’t a mess.

“sirius.” i whispered. “ever since i got here, i’ve just had one break down after the other and you’re always there taking care of me, feeding me, making sure i don’t fuse with the bed-“

“yeah, of course i do those things!” sirius said. “why wouldn’t i? i care about you. we’ve only known each other for a couple years, but you’re like a younger sister to me. i had a brother, but he was peculiar and he never needed me to take care of him.”

the corners of my mouth twitched.

“so we’re not talking about the choking?” i asked testily.

he sighed. “when you choked me you sort of ended up on top of me. the weight of that freaked me out because in- there. the dementors would make me feel like i had an intense weight on my chest as well. i freaked a little. we both have our own stuff ro- i don’t expect anything from you. it was an accident that’s all. and i do /not/ see it as me cleaning up your messes.”

i felt worse after he told me about the dementor thing.

“i’m so sorry sirius. the reason i freaked out was because, well, you were in the bed and i was having a nightmare about him, and the alcohol-“

“you don’t have to explain.” sirius said.

“no, i actually haven’t had nightmares in weeks.” i said. not since i came back from Hogwarts actually.”

sirius nodded. “any idea why that is?” he asked.

“because of you.” i said and he looked inquisitively at me. “yeah,” i continued. “you make me feel calm. i don’t know. even when i was a mess a couple of nights ago, you made me, less of a mess.”

“first of all,” sirius said. “stop calling yourself a mess. you’re not something that needs to be fixed or cleaned up. you just need to heal, which is understandable.”

“give me that.” i snatched the sponge from his hand and went to the sink. bubbles squirted out of the sponge which made him laugh and catch one.

“i’ll wash them.”

after that. it was back to normal, mostly. at least until christmas time.

  
  
  



	18. Chapter 18

December 23rd, there was an incident. no one saw it coming. i wasn’t allowed at the last order meeting and neither were my friends but early in the morning, Harry, Hermione and the weasley children at Hogwarts came stumbling into the house through the floo network followed by mrs. weasley. i wasn’t sure what was happening, but sirius had a grave look on his face and all the weasleys looked absolutely white and Harry looked sick.

“what?-“ but sirius shook his head at me signaling to not ask yet.

“sirius!” Harry ran to him and gave him a hug. i went to Hermione who was talking to Ron in a whisper. “he’s going to be fine.” she was saying. he?

“Hermione?” i asked in a low voice. she didn’t look up at me, she was still transfixed with Ron. Ginny wasn’t moving either, she was surrounded by fred and george. i went over to them to try to comfort them without knowing what happened.

“our dad-“ Ginny said. “Harry’s said he’s been attacked.”

“attacked?” i asked quietly. “hold on, Harry said?”

fred and george nodded but they were shaking so it could have just been that.

“i don’t- we don’t know anything.” Ginny said. “but Dumbledore seemed to believe him, and he- sent us here, to wait. i guess.”

“mrs weasley!” i called out to her finding her by herself wiping her eyes.

“oh hi dear.” she said.

“mrs. weasley. it’s going to be ok.” i tried to sound reassuring but i wasn’t sure if that’s how i was coming across.

she nodded slightly. “we’re just waiting for the official call.” she said her voice broke. “because we can’t go to the hospital without being called. people will wonder—you know?” but her voice was distant.

“mrs weasley please sit down,” i said leading her to the living room.

“no, i’m ok. i just need- hold on.” a photograph that i had seen before hanging on the wall was in its portrait suddenly.

“professor Dumbledore has asked me to inform you that arthur weasley has been taken to saint mungos hospital.” the small said.

everyone gathered around to listen to what else he had to say.

“you will be receiving a note from the hospital any minute.” the small man left the portrait leaving everyone silent.

“ok. he’s on the hospital.” mrs weasley said trying to sound calm. “that means he’s going to be ok.” but she sounded like she was just trying to convince herself. i made everyone a cup of tea while we waited. no one actually drank it but as we sat silently, the heat from the cup helped everyone stop trembling. i tried to make eye contact with Harry to ask what he had seen to make him think mrweasley had been attacked but he was pointedly avoiding me. about half an hour later, mrs weasley was starting to get worried about the lack of an owl, before we realized they probably sent it to the burrow. it was sirius who brought it up, so without a word, she got up and got straight into the fireplace and left. she apparated back to the house with the note telling her to go to the hospital.

she didn’t want the kids to come with her so she left promising to send a note the second they had any news. none of the weasley children wanted to talk, but i noticed hardy sulking in a corner so i went to him. i didn’t even notice that’s sirius was there because he was being obscured by a wall.

“i don’t know sirius!” i heard Harry say as i walked up to them.

“hey, Harry.” i said putting a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

“Dumbledore wouldn’t even look at me, and now i have to do occ-occlumency? with snape! mr weasley, he was just there. i don’t even know what happened.”

“Dumbledores having you do occlumency with snape?” sirius asked quietly.

i looked curiously between them. clearly sirius wasn’t comfortable with this but i didn’t even know what occlumency was.

“Harry. what happened?” i asked. he looked at me for the first time.

“why are you attacking me?” he asked a little wildly and i stepped back.

“i’m not-“

“ro- i think you should go sit with Hermione and the weasleys.” sirius said and i stared at him but nodded. without another i walked out and back to them. i was feeing seriously unwanted.

“he’s going to be ok.” Ginny said in a confident tone but her voice break undermining the whole sentence.

i sat down at the table with them.

“what’s going on with Harry?” i whispered to Hermione.

“he’s been moody all year.” she whispered back. “and i don’t know, Ron said he woke up screaming about his father being attacked and that was it. he must have told Dumbledore what was happening though.”

we waited for a few more hours without news. around 10 am, we got an owl from mrs weasley.

it said that mr weasley was being worked on by healers but he was going to be ok. she said that we could go see him and that alastor moody would be there in a couple of hours to pick us up in a muggle car. the air was finally cleared. the tension that had been gripping everyone seemed to melt away at mrs weasleys words that arthur would be ok.

i wondered if i would be invited to go to the hospital with them, but apparently i was because there i was sitting in the back of the van with Ginny, Hermione and Ron. as fred and george say in the middle and Harry sat in the fRont with moody.

no one said anything on the ride to the hospital.

we entered and it looked more like a mall than a hospital. moody didn’t come with us. he said that he would stay in the car because there would be enough people in the room without him. and that he would take us back to grimmauld place once we were ready to go.

there were 15 different floors each with labels describing what happened on each floor.

fred and george went up to the fRont desk to ask where their father was. we followed close behind them.

“yes, animal attack, floor 12.” the nurse witch said in sort of a bored voice. i thought she would at least try to sound sympathetic for the patients sake. we all filed into the elevator and waited as the elevator dinged at each floor. there was no cheesy elevator music which was probably good as people who went to the hospital were not there for leisure.

mrs weasleys frame immediately came over to the elevator and ushered us all over.

“he’s in the room.” she said pointing to the large window. “he’s ok. they have him bandages up because he wouldn’t stop bleeding. but he’s going to be ok.”

she walked to Harry as we all peered into the window. he looked kind of like a mummy, and there was one other man in a bed a few feet away from him.

“can, we go in mum?” Ginny asked as Harry and she walked over.

“of course dear.” she said.

“perhaps we should stay out here?” i whispered to Hermione. “give them time?” Harry must have had the same idea because he stepped back with us but mrs weasley wouldn’t even hear of it. “absolutely not. you guys can go in there.” then she looked at Harry. “i know he would want to see you.” she said.

so we went into the room. his children were surrounding his bed but he was sitting up and looking cheerful for a guy who was just attacked.

“i was just at the ministry and there was a huge snake that just attacked me!” he was saying. “but these bites aren’t enough to do me in! no sir.” he said

i couldn’t help but smile.

“ah, it’s been so long since i’ve seen you guys. i hate that this is how you see me for the first time in months.” he said.

“painkillers” mrs weasley shrugged but she was smiling. Hermione and i stood back a little after we had greeted him, but then we realized that we should probably step out to give them time. Hermione tapped on Harry’s shoulder and we slipped out of the room quietly. Ron followed us.

“hey where are you guys going?” he asked smiling.

“we were just giving you guys time as a family.” Hermione said a little lamely.

“well it is a little crowded in there.” Ron pointed out. “i’ll come with you.” but it was clear he didn’t want to.

“no, Ron, go be with your dad.” i said. we’ll bring you back some food.”

“yes. food would be nice.” Ron said and we laughed a little as he went back inside.

“so how have you been.” Hermione asked me as we wandered around trying to find a cafeteria.

“fine.” i shrugged. “i haven’t been doing much. anything actually.” Harry was being oddly silent.

“what about you guys?” i asked. “Harry?”

“nothing.” he said. “how’s sirius.” he was avoiding telling me what happened last night and i was afraid to push him. i didn’t want him to start screaming in fRont of everyone but i understood his anger.

“he’s ok.” i said. “Harry.”

“what!” he threw his hands up a bit.

Hermione looked a little scared but i didn’t care.

“can we talk?” i asked softly.

“not right now.” he grunted.

“woah!” a voice came from behind us. we hadn’t even realized it but there was a voice following us from behind. the three of us turned to see a nurse chasing after a man.

“oh hi guys!” the man said like he knew us, and technically he was supposed to, but he actually didn’t.

“prof-professor lockhart?” Hermione blushed a little and i gaped at her. he was a fraud and everyone knew it. in our second year he’d tried to perform the memory charm on Ron and it had backfired and he had hit himself. we didn’t know what happened to him after that.

“professor?” he asked. “me? yes i suppose i must have been. was i any good?” he asked.

“no,” said Harry bluntly. and lockhart looked taken aback.

“what are you doing here?” Hermione asked quickly.

the nurse behind him answered. “well lockhart has been here for almost three years now? hasn’t he?” she said.

“two and a half.” Harry muttered. he’s been here since june,two years ago.”

“right.” she said “well, i haven’t always been with him, you know.”

“so, i was famous?” lockhart said not paying attention to what was going on.

“you remember that?” i asked, of course that would be the only thing he remembered. his ego was dealt that big.

“do you want my autograph?” he asked snapping his fingers at the nurse. “i expect everyone will want one, how many would you need? 12? 13?”

“none.” Harry grunted and walked away. Hermione and i stared after him.

“sorry,” i said. “he’s not usually like this.”

the nurse smiled awkwardly and Hermione and followed him.

“Harry, what is going on?” Hermione asked as we caught up with him.

“nothings going on!” Harry said. “i just need some space. please.” we nodded and waited outside as he got on the elevator.

“he’s been like this all year.” Hermione whispered. “we thought it was because no one believed him about- you know who, and well, umbridge. she’s not making it easy.”

i nodded. even though i’d known Harry for more than four years at this moment, i felt as though i didn’t know him at all. he’d never risen his voice before.

“last night.” i asked Hermione. “what happened exactly.”

“i don’t know.” she said. “we were asleep and next thing we knew we were being ushered to Dumbledores office and we were back at grimmauld place. Harry told Ron that-“

“yeah, he told Ron that arthur had been attacked.” i muttered because she’d already told me this. “but how did he know?”

Hermione shrugged and we got into the elevator which had reached our floor again.

“we promised Ron food.” i reminded her as we got off at the 12th floor.”

“right!” Hermione remembered. “perhaps we should ask someone?” i nodded and walked up to a nurse who was sitting with a girl. her face looked bruised and her lip was cut. she had a black eye and a cut right underneath it which was still bleeding. i froze.

“where’s the cafeteria?” i heard Hermione ask another nurse oblivious to this girl. i couldn’t help but see that fact that she was sitting in a wheel chair. a young girl, 15 maybe 16. she was supposed to be at Hogwarts. what was she doing here. even though i didn’t recognize her, i felt a connection. a chill shocked through my body and i was only snapped out of it when Hermione came back to tell me that the cafeteria was on the fifth floor.

i wondered if i should go talk to the girl but realized that was a terrible idea since i not only didn’t know her, but she could have been dangerous. who knows how she’d gotten the bruises on her face. but i declaws a chilling memory, of seeing myself in the mirror the day after i had gotten out of the chest. my face had looked the same way hers did and that one memory haunted me every single night, even when i didn’t have nightmares, i could see the big welt across my cheek everytime i closed my eyes to sleep. it was because i couldn’t even imagine how he had done that to me. if i even hurt someone accidentally i would feel terrible for weeks, but barty, barty has seen my face and the cuts and bruises appearing all over me and never even thought to stop. he just kept going. not even mentioning the most terrible night of them all- no. i shook my head and came back to reality before i walked straight into a boy.

“Neville?” i asked, finally fully snapping back.

“what are you doing here?” Hermione asked. then her expression changed to concern. “is everyone ok?”

Neville looked absolutely uncomfortable and i wished i could just walk away and not make his answer. but the old lady next to him spoke.

“were here to visit his parents.” she said a not of pride in her voice. “stRongest two people i’ve ever met.” Neville started to redden when we looked at him.

“what- what happened to your parents?” Hermione whispered.

“Nevilles never told you?” the old lady looked appalled. “they’re here because they refused to break at the hand of a death eater.” she went on.

“what?” i asked quietly.

“my parents.” Nevilles voice was barely audible. “they were tortured by two death eaters for information about the order.” so he did know about the order but even that didn’t matter to me right now. Hermione and i both looked horrified.

“but they never broke. did they?” said the lady. “no, they refused to betray the order. they decided they’d rather die.”

“but they’re not dead, gran.” Neville said.

“no they’re not.” her tone changed. now she sounded sad. “they’re not dead.”

she walked away leaving me and Hermione staring at Neville.

“it’s been like this since i was born.” Neville said quietly.

“do-do you know who?” i asked, but as soon as i said it i didn’t want to know. barty said he tortured two people into using the cruciatus curse for information. two people who hadn’t broken, but who had succumbed to insanity. and i had said it in fRont of the whole class during that day of defense against the dark arts. my stomach dropped and as he said the answer, it was exactly who i expected it to be and my ears started a high pitch ringing. i really thought i was going to throw up, but this was about Neville not me.

“oh my gods. Neville.” i groaned as i hugged him. “i am so sorry.”

“it’s ok, really. i didn’t really know them. and like i said, it’s been almost 15 years.”

did he know it was barty crouch jr acting as moody? i didn’t want to know if he did. was he in the defense against the dark arts class that day? i groaned internally. if i had known that barty had done that to Nevilles parents i never would have said anything.

“he’s been kissed by the dementor hasn’t he?” he asked. and Hermione and i nodded.

“it wasn’t enough.” he said with pain in his voice.

“i agree.” i said.

i didn’t know what he knew and didn’t know.

“Neville, do you want us to come with you?” i asked but he shook his head. “i don’t want you to see them like that.” he whispered. “hold on, i haven’t asked you why you’re here!”

“Ron’s dad was attacked at the ministry.” Hermione said carefully. and Neville molded thoughtfully. “must have been on of you know who’s supporters.” he said. “is he ok?”

we nodded.

“good. that’s good.” Neville muttered before walking away. i stares after him.

“Hermione.” i said, speaking softly because i was afraid if i opened my mouth all the way i would throw up all over her.

“i know”. she said.

“do you think he’s ok? after last year?”

“you mean after spending the year with the man who tortured his parents into insanity while thinking he was a professor?” Hermione clarified.

“yeah.”

“i don’t know. he seems ok at the army meetings. but if he’s as stRong as his parents-“

“i feel terrible.” i muttered as we were standing in line for food. “if he didn’t know it before he must have felt awful when i mentioned it in class.” but Hermione shook her head.

“the entire school knew before what you said- which by the way. was talked about for weeks and people kept asking us questions about you as if we knew anything.”

“what did you say?” i asked curious

“nothing. because it’s none of their business.” Hermione said.

“well i sort of made it everyone’s business when i snapped in fRont of everyone in our year. didn’t i?” i asked jokingly, but she didn’t laugh and i didn’t either.

“Neville will be ok.” she said. “i’ll keep an eye on him now that i know.”

i smiled a little. “and Harry?”

“he’ll be ok too. he just needs some time off school. it’s the owl exam stress. and the da stress. and the quidditch stress. it’s all really getting to him.

“he has sirius for the two weeks” i told myself but Hermione nodded. “that too.”

“yeah, just being around sirius is great.” i said in spite of myself and Hermione didn’t say anything.

“i just mean, he really gets it. it’s like having an older brother except instead of giving me arachnophobia for life, he actually cares about me. it’s kind of great. except for this morning when he was taking to Harry and snapped at me.” i didn’t mean to say the last part but i did.

“i’m sure it was just the anxiety.” Hermione said quietly and i nodded. but Harry was saying to sirius, something that had made him nervous and worried. something that had made sirius take a tone with me that he’d never used before. and Harry wasn’t willing to share yet so i’d have to find out for myself.

i was still worries about Neville as we carried the food back to the twelfth floor. luckily Harry was already there sitting in a chair outside the room. Ron noticed us and came outside and grabbed one of the burgers.

“thanks.” he said biting into it. “i have eaten in so long.”

at least Ron was back to normal.

Harry took a sandwich too, and the rest of the weasleys children came out too. mrsweasley didn’t come out though, arthur wasn’t allowed to eat yet.

“daddy’s great.” fred said taking a bite. “he’s already talking about this things called stitches? muggles do them on open wounds.”

mrs weasley came out as we finished eating beaming. “he’ll be ready to be discharged in just a couple of days”. she said. you guys go back to snuffles’s place. i’m staying here tonight with him, but we’ll be over tomorrow.”

fred and george, Ginny and Ron didn’t look too excited to be leaving their father behind but they seemed to realize they had no other option. once mrs weasley made a decision about something, she wasn’t changing her mind. moody was waiting for us in the van just like he said he would. we sat back in the seat we came in and rode silently back. but there was much less tension in the air. the weasleys seemed more released and i could tell Harry was still a little uncomfortable. did he feel like it was his fault? but i didn’t think he’d talk to me.

Harry didn’t talk to anyone, even after we got back to sirius’s place. he silently walked up to his room and shut the door. Hermione, Ginny and i watched him go up the stairs but we didn’t stop him.

“he’ll be ok.” Hermione said again. but i didn’t think she believed it.

“do you think we should talk to sirius?” i asked.

“what you think sirius hasn’t noticed that Harry has lost his mind?” Ron asked. “nah mate, he knows. but Harry, he’s obviously going through something. he’s the one who saw my father get attacked.”

“did he say anything else?” i jumped quickly on the sentence.

“well, not really, but i wasn’t really paying attention after i realized that my dad might be in danger.” he said matter of factly.

i nodded. “so should we go try to talk to him? or.”

“i think we should. he’s been like this for months.” Ron said what Hermione had already told me.

“what would we even say?” Hermione asked.

Ginny came into the living room where we were all sitting around.

“hey guys what’s going on?” she asked.

“Harry, he’s been distant. and we’re just- concerned.” i said.

Ginny scoffed a little. “he hasn’t been that distant. he has been spending a lot of close time with Cho Chang.” she said sounding a little jealous.

“wait seriously?” i asked. “he got Cho Chang to go out with him?”

“wow.” Ginny said a little sarcastically. “Cho Chang isn’t even that great.”

“no, Ginny, of course not.” Hermione said patting her on the back.

“she’s great in army lessons though.” Ron said obliviously. “and she’s a good quidditch player, play she’s got great- facial features.” Ron faltered at the look on our faces. “never mind.”

“we don’t really know what to say to Harry, especially after the attack.” i said. “i think he might feel guilty about it.”

“why would he feel guilty?” Ron asked. “he didn’t attack my dad.”

“no, but he saw it happen, and maybe- well i don’t know.” i said.

“i can go talk to him.” Ginny shrugged. we all looked at her.

“look, after my first year, i wished i had someone who kind of knew what i had been through, and if you’re right, and Harry feels guilty, it’s because he thinks he had something to with the attack.”

she looked around. i had never heard her talk about her first year. when she had been possessed by voldemort’s diary, she had hurt chickens, opened the chamber of secrets and petrified many people. it wasn’t her fault of course but she must have had some ptsd about it afterwards. as much as i had been through, Ginny and Neville had been through almost as much. i get bad that i didn’t spend much time thinking about what everyone else.

“what?” she demanded.

“nothing.” we shook our heads.

“ok, then i’ll go talk to him then?”

“yeah.”

Ginny got up and headed upstairs and i watched her red hair swish with every step. that girl was in love with Harry but he was too far up his own ass to even realize. now he was going out with Cho Chang? Ginny was right, Cho Chang didn’t even compare to how amazing Ginny was.

i didn’t know what Ginny said to him, but Harry actually came downstairs after their talk.

“hey!” we all welcomed him. he came and sat down with us.

“so, i know i was a little distant.” Harry said. “but i’m ok now.”

Hermione and i looked at Ginny.

“what did you say?” i mouthed to her.

she just shrugged.

at least Harry was mostly back to normal. it was still like how he was during the summer but he wasn’t sulking so much. plus he was spending more time with sirius so sirius seemed to be in a better mood too which made me feel like an outsider again. but i didn’t care as much because Hermione and Ginny where there and i was happier than i’d been in months, which was awful because sirius made me happy too. i still hadn’t really spoken to him after he snapped at me, but i didn’t avoid him either. mr weasley came home the next day in a wheelchair, and mrs weasley announced that they would be staying at sirius’s place until term started again.

  
  
  



	19. Chapter 19

the order met that night. obviously to talk about the attack and what could have happened. we were again not allowed downstairs, but this time, fred and george had invented extendable ears which would allow us to listen to what anyone was saying in another room.

unfortunately either mrs weasley or Dumbledore had thought of that because the ear didn’t even penetrate the bottom of the door.

“what if you tried a stRonger charm?” i asked. but fred and george shook their heads.

“that was the stRongest one we could do.” fred said.

“they really don’t want us to hear what’s going on!” Hermione whispered. i thought she would have aversions to listening to the meeting but she was just as excited as the rest of us to try the ear.

“wow Dumbledored army really changed you.” i said and everyone shushed me.

“don’t mention that here!” Ron said.

“mum would kill us if she found out.” Ginny added and i put my hands up apologetically.

“sorry.” i said. the meeting was over and we all rushed back to a room so they wouldn’t realize we were trying to hear what was going on.

after the order members cleared out, mrs weasley called us down for dinner. a few people had stayed. remus, tonks,

moody, a couple others that i recognized but didn’t know by name.

dinner was pretty cheerful because mr weasley was looking bruised up but almost completely ok. his arms were still wrapped in bandages and his leg was in a cast and his face looked like someone had punched him, but those would heal, physically, he was fine. everyone kept looking over at him once in a while as if we were scared that he’d suddenly start bleeding, but he was fine. he was happy and cheerful throughout dinner.

when we went back up to Harry’s and Rons room to hang up, the mood had done a full 180 compared to the day before.

i still wondered what Ginny had said to Harry to make him come out of the room and talk to us, but Harry was pointedly avoiding talking to me alone. i stopped trying. if he didn’t want to talk to me, i wasn’t going to force him. it wasn’t like he was mad at me because he was perfectly friendly during our game of exploding schnapps, which i was finally completely ok with playing. no one asked me anything about my last day at Hogwarts. no one brought up anything at all, we just had a fun evening. but by the time we went to bed, the fact that it was christmas eve fully sank in. the yule ball was on christmas last year. and the yule ball had been the day the whole thing had taken a weird and different turn. i needed to keep it together. everyone had other problems, mr weasley, the order, Harry’s obvious ptsd. i wasn’t going to make it about myself. for one day, even though it was one of the worst, i wasn’t going to think about it.

when i went to bed, it was almost midnight, i kind of didn’t want to go to bed alone, but Hermione was sharing a room with Ginny and i didn’t even have an extra room in my bed so i sulked back to my room and got into bed without turning out the lights as usual.

i didn’t sleep, i stared at the ceiling trying not to let the memories flood back in even though it was the one year date. but maybe, if i let it in now, it wouldn’t affect me during the day. is that how it worked? when i was just with sirius, it was different because he knew and even though i couldn’t hide much from him, he didn’t make me feel broken, or like there was something wrong. but i could already imagine myself crying in fRont of everyone, or even worse screaming and throwing something. it would be a big scene in fRont of everyone and they would all stare at me and make me feel worse.

“if you’re going to come back,” i whisper ted to my magic. “now would be the time. please.”

and for the first time since i’d gotten out i tried to use magic. like really really tried. i willed it with all my might to come back. my sorcery so i could erase the memory. but nothing happened. there wasn’t even a small spark between my fingers.

“argh!” i threw a pillow in frustration. some deep part of me knew it wouldn’t work, but i really wanted it to. never in my entire life had i wanted something more than i did now. i would have used it to leave,

or maybe skip the day. but it wouldn’t come back. i guess just my will wasn’t enough to will it back. i paced my room thinking of something i could do. maybe i could use the floo network to go somewhere else. just for a couple of days. actually, that sounded like a great idea. i could maybe go where, back to my fathers? but he was the last person i wanted to see. the image of him leaving me as i was trying to say something really important replayed in my head and made me angrier and angrier. i thought maybe the anger would bring my sorcery back, but apparently even that was not enough. i guess a year mean an actual year. but in that moment, i was sure it would come back even by june.

i could go to Nevilles house, but i didn’t even know where he lived. maybe i could go to the burrow? even if there was no one there, would there be protective spells around it though, even if i tried to enter through the fireplace?

but i couldn’t figure out a place to actually go. i just failed into my bed and but my head in my hand and scrunched my hair. why was everything so frustrating.

i laid back in bed and told myself over and over again that tomorrow was just a normal day. who cares if it was one year since the yule ball. that didn’t mean anything. it didn’t mean anything.

but as soon as the clock said 12 am, my mind went blank. it was christmas day.

a year ago, everyone was on holiday. the morning i woke up, there was a gray dress. it was long and basically backless. the skirt was attacked to the top only by the fRont but there was a string to tie the two sides of the dress together. it was actually kind of gorgeous and under other circumstances it would have been fun to wear and dance with a date. there were smalls grey diamonds glue down the fRont of the dress. it’s appearance was explained when barty came in around lunch time.

“i know it hasn’t been easy for you in here.” he had said. “being away from your friends for so long.”

“and you know, being stuck in a small space with no control over my life.” i has muttered which has caused him to glare at me but not actually touch me. “i have a surprise for you, tonight. so put on the dress, and i got you this.” he held out an eyeliner and a tube of lipstick. i took it reluctantly.

“what surprise?” i had asked, stepping back a little bit he didn’t answer. he just smiled.

“the dress, the makeup.” he pointed at each thing. “be ready.”

i did not want to. i didn’t want to at all. i had a terrible feeling. he had never done anything like this before. normally he would just bitch about his day and take it out on me, but the only “surprises” id had were when he’d thrown me into the freezer and it wasn’t the kind of surprise i wanted.

i fingered the dress. there was too much open. i wouldn’t do it. i wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

but as the minutes had ticked on, i had started trembling. i knew what would happen if he came down and i wasn’t ready for his surprise. maybe i could put it over the clothes i was already wearing. i put on the eyeliner looking into the silver plate that was on the small dresser next to the mattress on the floor in fRont of the bathroom with had a toilet and a shower.

i hated myself for doing it. what he wanted, but i didn’t want to know what he would do if i didn’t. i took a shower standing in the water for a long time. i actually didn’t even know where the water came from or where it went. i stood in the towel for a long time, wanting to cry without actually crying. finally, reluctantly i put on the dress. it was too much just like i expected. my back was almost entirely exposed and so were my arms starting from my shoulders since the dressage a sleeveless turtleneck. when barty came down i was sitting on the bed staring at my hands. he was wearing a suit.

“whatever the surprise is, i don’t want it.” i had whispered which had made him mad.

“you don’t want it? i spent so long putting it together for you.” he had said evilly. “do you know how much i had to steal in order to put it all together?”

he grabbed my arm and pulled me up.

“wait, you’re- letting me out of the chest?” i had asked after he opened the lids all the way to the top. i couldn’t explain the feeing, but i felt free again. once i was out, i didn’t even notice the decorations. i just remembered being able to breathe for the first time in six months.

“do you like it.” he asked and i looked around. the entire classroom looked different. there were no desks, or tables or even the chalkboard. he’d covered the entire floor in like a blue cotton thing that made the whole place look like a cloud, and there were silver coils attached to the ceiling, and the lights were off except light blue grey light coming from everywhere. it was my one chance to escape. i could do it. the door was right there, through the cotton floor and the small fountain in the middle with fake water coming out of it. there was a picnic blanket set up on the floor with food on it, and small candles which were burning with the same color light as the rest of the room. but i didn’t care about any of it. my bare feet were gripping the floor and i stared at the door. i was going to do it. i could knock him out with the big glass bottle he had on the picnic blanket and i could walk out the door and go to Dumbledore. but obviously the door would be locked right? and i didn’t have a wand. but i did know some wand less magic. even if it wasn’t enough to over power him, i could probably unlock the door.

but i didn’t. he lead me to the blanket and made me sit down.

“it’s really nice.” i had whispered.

“here.” he handed me a small cake looking piece. “merry christmas.”

i had taken it eagerly, and ate it. i had mostly been living on bland toast and occasionally some fruit. i hadn’t had cake or anything with real flavor. so i stuffed my face with the entire christmas feast he had stolen from the kitchen, luckily he had remembered that i didn’t eat meat, which was a weird detail that he didn’t have to remember.

“slow down.” he had said smiling. “the foods not going anywhere.”

i didn’t know how to feel. he was there and being so /nice./ it was foreign and it was going to lead to something bad. but the food would give me energy, maybe even the will to leave. i eyed the big glass bottle the was in the bottle.

i guess he saw me looking at it because he said “that’s for later.” then he stood up and held out a hand which i took reluctantly wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

there was a light music that started playing and barty pulled me closer and put his hands on my waist which was uncomfortable because the dress did not cover that part. i was very very uncomfortable and i knew he could tell. but it actually made him do it more because he just laughed.

“you look gorgeous in the dress.” he said softly into my ear. he was so close, if i was going to attack him, i would have to do it now. but if i did, and didn’t get out, he would kill me. one hundred percent.

“you keep looking at the door.” he said and i didn’t reply. we weren’t really dancing, but he was holding me and we were swaying but it stopped.

“if you want to go, you should.” he had said quietly. i froze.

“yes. you heard me correctly.” he said. “you want to go, walk out that door. you should.” i stared at him.

“you’re letting- me go?”

“no, but if you want to walk out the door, you should.” he repeated.

i knew it was a trap, i did, but the offer was too much. i broke out of his grasp and ran to the door. the door was unlocked, and i pulled it open. warning bells were going up so i paused. why was the door unlocked? why had he let me go at all? he had to know that if i got out of there the first thing i would do was go to Dumbledore and tell him about the third task, the cup that was actually a port key. and the plan to bring voldemort back. there’s no way he hadn’t thought of that. i stared outside at the hallway, the yellow lights filling the chamber. i could hear the music coming from the great hall, the dancing and chattering of all the students carried all the way back here. and i couldn’t do it. i was sure there was an electric wiring or some other magic that would keep me in anyway. maybe if i stepped into the doorway, it would electrocute me to death. and for a moment i truly considered it. wouldn’t dying just be better than six more months at least of this? and that was assuming that Dumbledore did find me because he was obviously not at the top of his game then. but i didn’t. i took a step back weakly, and by doing that i knew i had admitted defeat completely. at least until then i had stood up to him a little, sarcastic comments making fun of him even at my own peril. but one step and that was it. the door closed by itself and barty came and grabbed me from behind wrapping his arms around me and resting his head on my right shoulder forcing my head to tilt the other way.

he chuckled blowing warm bouts of air onto my shoulder giving me goosebumps.

“i knew you would make the right choice.” he said. but i still couldn’t move. if i could have seen myself at that moment i knew i would have looked horrified, broken down and miserable. it wasn’t someone now me would have recognized at all. he pulled me back. farther to end of the classroom and i collapsed onto the picnic blanket still not moving. the lack of blinking had caused my eyes to water up and one tear fell down my cheek. he poured whatever was in the glass bottle into two glasses and sat down next to me trying to hand one glass to me. i couldn’t move or unclench my hands to take it though, so he placed it down in fRont of me and wiped my tear with a thumb.

“don’t cry.” he had whispered. “you’re going to ruin your eyeliner.”

i didn’t want to replay what had happened next, but i was forced to- me drinking the champagne, because he had forced it down my throat, and feeling dizzy and woozy and out of control of my actions. i could only focus on one thing at a time but that didn’t stop me from feeling him push me into the chest and me stumbling at trying to grasp with my hand to grab something, anything to hit him with even though i couldn’t find anything. from feeling his arms wrap around me on my back until it found the knot that was keeping the top of the dress on, and then the little hook around my neck. the small incoherent cry i had made when it slipped off, and how i wanted to die right at that moment because i knew what was coming next.

i think i had whispered for him to stop or tried to push him off, but months of malnourishment and whatever drug was in the champagne were inhibiting me from doing much against him. i felt like i was watching myself from the top, or like my perspective but from someone else’s point of view, as he forced himself onto me. i slid down the chest and on to the

floor silently. thinking about the about door and how i should have just walked out of it no matter what could have happened.

back in my bed. i woke with a start. i didn’t know how i had managed to fall asleep but the whole thing had came back to me in a nightmare. maybe it was more like sleep paralysis where i was asleep but thought i was awake and because i couldn’t move in the dream, i couldn’t move in real life either. but i had been jolted out of it once it had been over.

i was covered in sweat but still grabbed the sheets and wrapped it around me to be extra covered. i wasn’t going to get out of bed that day. that was it, because i knew i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from doing anything stupid and it would become all about me, and reliving it once was enough. it was bad enough that i had to live through it, but six months out of the chest and he still wouldn’t leave me alone? my nightmares had stopped, until everyone came back. maybe it was everyone who triggered it. maybe it was the fact that i was so scared that the way they acted would make me remember actually made me more triggered than if i just stopped thinking that everyone would be so concerned about me all the time.

i made up my mind as i was looking around the room. i hadn’t even picked up the pillows i had thrown a few hours ago. i opened the door and could actually hear Ron snoring as i walked into the hallway.

i wasn’t sure where to go, exactly. i hoped i would have inspiration as i picked up the floo powder, but one thing i knew for sure was that i had to get out of there.

i tiptoed down the staircase to the room with the fireplace and stared into it hoping that a place would just come to me. but i didn’t have any friends apart from everyone who was here, and i basically considered this place home.

“going somewhere?” a quiet voice asked from behind me making me jump violently and turn around. luckily i hadn’t screamed because that would have woken everyone up.

“what. the hell! sirius!” i whispered loudly,

my heart pounding in my chest. i tried to calm down but it was beating so violently i thought i would throw up.

“sorry!” he said quickly. “sorry! didn’t mean to scare you. but seriously. where are you planning to go?” i looked at him then at the floo powder in my hand that i had every intention to use.

“i don’t know.” i said honestly. “i just have to.”

sirius nodded. “well seeing as how you’re basically running away, i at least thought you’d have the common decency to tell me first, especially because i promised you that if i were ever to run away. i’d let you know first.”

i stared at him. id barely spoken to him in three days. ever since Harry got there, he’d basically been acting like i wasn’t even there. and now he expected me to tell him when i wasn’t even sure where i was going?

“what do you expect from me? sirius.” i asked. “you’re the one who snapped at me and then hadn’t talked to me since everyone showed up!”

“what are you talking about?” sirius sounded genuinely surprised. “i snapped at you?”

“yeah? the day in the kitchen? you were talking to Harry? told me to go away?”

“don’t think i used those exact words.” sirius said.

“seriously?” i said waving my hands and floo powder flew out of it. i lowered my voice.

“i can’t be here today.” i said. “i just, i’m going home to see my dad.”

“no you’re not.” he scoffed. “please, you hate your dad more than anyone alive right now, there’s no way you want to see him today.” he was right. i hated that he knew me so well. “and i’m so sorry for snapping at you, i really didn’t mean to, i was just- Harry was telling me something and i was just worried.”

“you don’t have to explain.” i muttered even though i really wanted to know. “and Harry’s been avoiding telling me what happened. actually he’s been avoiding being alone with me at all.”

“that’s actually because i told him not to tell you.” sirius said a little guiltily.

“what!”

“well, just because it was really worrisome and i didn’t think you needed to be more stressed out-“

“oh come on sirius!” i said. “you know that’s a lie. i’ve been doing great and you know it. i didn’t even nightmares for weeks. why did you tell him not to tell me?”

“because, it had to do with voldemort’s snake.” he said resigned. i was confused. i knew voldemort had a snake, but i had t put it together.

“oh my gods i’m so dumb.” i whispered slapping my self in the forehead with the hand without the powder. it had been in my hand so long that it was starting to melt together with the sweat from my palm.

“of course arthur was attacked by voldemort’s snake!”

“yes but Harry said he saw it from the snakes perspective.” sirius said looking at me sternly to get me to quiet down.

“what?” i asked, that was terrifying. i don’t know why, but my stomach dropped.

“Harry- saw it through the snakes perspective?” and suddenly it made sense why he was acting so weird. he did feel guilty. he must have felt like he was possessed and he attacked mr weasley. and that’s how Ginny got him to calm down. she actually had been possessed.

“but why did you tell him not to tell me?” i asked.

“because, it’s a touchy subject. it wasn’t really about stressing you out, more just, i didn’t want you to be afraid of Harry. i guess.” i stared at him.

“i’m not afraid of Harry.” i said lamely.

“no, i know. it was just a thought i had suddenly. it made sense at the time. i don’t know.”

“fine.” i said finally. i believed him. he never lied to me, why should he about this. plus it sort of made sense. i guess, in some context of i had heard that Harry was watching the attack from the snakes perspective, even if i knew he wouldn’t hurt anyone, if there was even a chance he was possessed i wouldn’t have gone near him. but it had been days and he was fine so so was i.

“now, where are you going?” sirius asked eyeing the powder in my hand. “because i’m coming with you.”

i gaped at him. “but, Harry, is here.”

sirius smiled. “but you won’t be.”

as i looked at sirius’s smile, even in the dark, i instantly felt much better.

“nowhere.” i said dropping the powder back into the container and dusting my hands off on my pants. “i’m staying here.”

i guess i was mad at sirius, before but after this, i couldn’t even be slightly mad at him. i figured christmas day would suck, but after talking to sirius, my mood had changed. i didn’t think about anything that happened a year ago all day. it was pretty great. Hermione, Ginny, and i helped mrs weasley with the elaborate christmas dinner she had planned while the boys and sirius cleaned the whole house in preparation for the handful of people from the order that were coming. i actually hadn’t thought about who was coming, but i was secretly hoping moody wouldn’t. maybe seeing moody during the car ride had actually triggered something even though i was fine and been fine for months.

the day went by so quickly and even thought it was super cold outside, we were all sweating because of the heat from the oven.

one by one, people started apparating in. amongst the people, and completely unexpected to me, where snape, mcgonagall and evening professor Dumbledore although he did say he couldn’t stay for very long and left almost immediately afterwards without taking to anyone other than arthur, molly and sirius. i didn’t really care. i kind of didn’t want to talk to Dumbledore anyway. it was so awkward the way we left it in his office like three months ago.

i sat next to Hermione and a woman who i had never met before but who introduced herself as andromeda tonks. seeing as how she looked exactly like nymphadora tonks, i figured she was her mother.

the entire table was bustling with happy energy except snape who was looking sour. i wondered why he even decided to stay for dinner when he clearly didn’t want to be there. but after dinner, that was answered. people were getting really drunk on the bottles that lupin had brought for sirius’s birthday, so they decided to go before they got too intoxicated.

snape stayed though. he wanted to talk to Harry and i desperately wanted

to listen so Hermione, Ron and i snuck around behind a wall to listen.

“you will come for lessons every week.” snape was saying. “we will say that are taking extra potion tutoring. it won’t be hard to believe. you will follow my directions and instructions and you will try. none of this will work if you do not try.”

apparently sirius was there too and he said gruffly “if you hurt my godson-“

“what are you going to do?” snape sneered. “what are you going to do, /black/? stuck in this house, not even allowed to walk to the end of the street. i heard a clattering noise., sirius had clearly just pulled out his wand, i figured snape would have too.

“i show you what i can do.” sirius sneered right back. “why don’t we go right now.”

“i would love to.” snape said. and that’s when i realized they were going to attack each other. Hermione knew it too, she patted my arm, and i just causally walked into the kitchen where they were talking.

neither one of them lowered their wands. looked between them and walked straight through to the other side.

even though they didn’t break eye contact with each other, i could tell they were distracted by me just walking in.

“why did you guys stop?” i asked stepping to Harry.

“what?” they lowered their wands a little and looked at me.

“i just meant, you two look like you were about to really let each other have it. why stop now?”

“really?” sirius sounded surprised and Harry and snape were both looking at me like i was insane. but i looked at sirius.

“you aren’t going to try to stop me?” he asked. i shrugged.

“why would i do that? if you really want to attack the teacher who has clearly been given extra responsibility to teach Harry something, then you should go ahead.” i crossed my arms casually, but it kind of worked because sirius lowered his wand.

“my office.” every saturday.” snape said to Harry before looking at me and sirius like we were the worst people he’d ever met, and dissaparating.

“what was that?” i asked Harry. Hermione and Ron walked into the kitchen too.

“after the attack,” Harry said. “Dumbledore told me he wanted me to take occlumency lessons with snape. i’m not really sure what that is-“

but sirius cut in.

“it’s a type of magic that closes your mind so that no one can read it or control it.” sirius explained.

“and Dumbledore wants snape to teach it to you rather than himself?” Ron asked suspiciously.

a thought struck me. what if Dumbledore thought that because Harry was seeing the attack through the snakes perspective, that Harry could be more vulnerable to being controlled by voldemort, or that voldemort could more easily read his thoughts? after all, it was voldemort’s and Harry’s connection that disallowed quirrell from touching him in the first year, and they had specifically wanted Harry’s blood to bring voldemort back.

“i think it might be because Dumbledore doesn’t want to be in your mind.” i said without thinking. i didn’t want to scare Harry. he had just stopped freaking out about maybe being possessed after Ginny had talked to him.

they all looked at me. i shrugged trying to downplay it.

“it’s just that, he’s the head of the order and there’s a lot of information that only he knows, so maybe he’s worried that you might find out about it.” i tried to avoid voldemort altogether.

“right!” luckily Hermione was quick to agree with me. “there are a lot of things that could come up if he tried to teach you how to close your mind. what if you accidentally got into his thoughts?”

“you really think Dumbledore thinks that i’m good enough to get in his thoughts?” Harry wondered out loud. i nodded.

“you’re not good at some things Harry. but you’re great at other things. and if occlumency is anything like defense the dark arts, you’ll be great at it.” i could see sirius shake his head slightly when i said that last part, but he didn’t say anything.

we spent the a few more hours together, the weasleys, Hermione, sirius and i just sat around in the living room as the fireplace crackled. nothing was getting to me in that moment. i was incredibly at bliss.

when it was time for everyone to leave again, an air of sadness settled into number 12 grimmauld place.

i was going to miss Hermione so much again, the constant noise that always filled the house. i had gotten used to it once before but now that they had come back for three weeks, i didn’t know how long it would take me to get used to the silence again. i mean, sirius was absolutely enough, but it was different having people my own age to have fun with. sirius wasn’t exactly up to playing games of hide and seek in the incredibly large house, or playing pranks on his siblings.

“don’t stress out about exams.” i told Hermione seriously on our last day together. we were sitting on her bed alone, because no one else was awake yet. i was talking quietly because Ginny was four feet away sleeping peacefully.

“i physically do not know how to do that.” she said.

i laughed. “ok, i know, it’s important, but your health is more important. and Harry. take care of him. especially because he’s going to be getting lessons from snape.” Hermione nodded.

“and Ginny, she’s in love with him, but he’s in love with cho, and i really think that we should just stay out of it, but Harry does need some prompting because that boy is dumb when it comes to relationships.” i continued. “and Hermione.” i said seriously. “this is the most important. do not, whatever you do, (insert something that literally does not matter at all which i can’t think about rn but it’s supposed to add humor or whatever.”

she slapped me lightly. “wow, i thought you were being serious with the last part.” she said.

i smiled. “keep in touch with me. ok? and the fireplaces, it’s getting more and more dangerous to use them. i warmed sirius about it last time but he and remus outvoted me. and umbridge, she’s awful, just truly terrible, but she’ll get what’s coming for her.”

Hermione half smiled. “i’m really going to miss you.”

i half smiled too and hugged her. “it’s only for six months. then you’ll come back here or maybe i’ll come visit you if you want to be with your parents.”

“yeah, i think i’ll like that. my parents would love you.” she said.

Ginny woke up while we were still hugging. a tear sprung to my eye and i wasn’t sure if Hermione was crying to.

“um. what is going on?” Ginny asked waking up.

we quickly pulled apart. “nothing.”

she looked between us weirdly and got up to brush her teeth and we all went down for breakfast together . it was 7 am, and the Hogwarts express left after 11 am like normal so at 9:30 everyone piled into a muggle car and left for the station, a couple of ministry members had showed up at 9 to go with them, just in case they needed the extra protection. especially because mr weasley, who was 98% better was ordered to stay by mrs weasley, couldn’t go. i could barely watch Hermione walk away from me, and sirius didn’t look too happy seeing Harry go either. i saw him give Harry a gift and wondered what it could have been, but i didn’t ask. once mrs weasley had dropped everyone off and the train had left, she came back.

as mr weasley only needed a couple more days to recover completely, she said that they would stick around for that because she didn’t want him to unnecessarily strain himself. but once they left, the already quiet house was desolate. it was just me, sirius, kreacher and the screaming portrait of sirius’s mother who was screaming more lately since everyone had come. i hadn’t actually seen kreacher since sirius told him to avoid me, but i figured he was still in the house because the portrait of mrs black was here and he wouldn’t leave her. the portrait that had told us about the attack was mostly empty. he would come in one every couple of weeks to make sure we were ok. definitely on Dumbledores orders. but we were fine. bored, more than before, but fine.

  
  
  



	20. Chapter 20

we actually used the poly juice potion the day after everyone left.

even after living in london for 5 years, since i started Hogwarts, i had never been to see the big ben, or the castle, or anything else the place had to offer so sirius and i made an entire day of it. we left after lunch, around 2 pm, and this time. i got the hair of a sixteen year old girl

again but on purpose, so that we would just look like friends.

the moment we got on the train though, guys were looking at us so weirdly. i ignored it, but it bothered me. sirius, as a sixteen year old girl, must have forgotten about how he looked because he did not seem bothered or uncomfortable at all. he didn’t even realize anyone was looking at us. i had so much money, even muggle money. so that wasn’t an issue at all. one of the things that excited me the most was seeing of the large london eye. we got on the ferris wheel after waiting almost three hours after buying tickets and it took us to the top of the world. it was the most gorgeous view id ever seen which was saying a lot because i had been to a lot of places. after that, all i wanted to do were things that would give me an adrenaline rush. when i was falling on a bungee jumping course, i felt free. freer than i ever had. all my troubles and worries, terrible memories were being whipped out of me. nothing was wrong at all. sirius loved it too. he said it reminded him of running with his friends on the Hogwarts grounds, that they had had adrenaline rushes when they were running around with a werewolf on the lose. well, not really on the lose, but still. i smiled. i loved seeing him happy, even if what i was seeing was a sixteen year old girl who looked like she couldn’t get enough. but soon it was getting dark; and the already cold day got a lot colder. we decided to take the train back home before it got too cold. it was the best day i had had in long time and i didn’t think anything could ruin the high i was feeling. i wished i could have been face to face with barty right then because i really would have kicked him to death.

we got on the train and there was no one else on it, until the second stop. a group of what were clearly drunk men got in and i tensed up. sirius didn’t look too concerned though and i wondered if i should remind him that he was in the form of a young girl and that he wouldn’t be able to over power them like that. but then i remembered that he had a wand and was allowed to do magic.

before long, just like i expected, one of the guys started whistling at us which prompted the rest of them from doing the same thing. sirius put a middle finger up at them. big mistake. they room that as a severe insult and got up to stagger over to us.

“what did you say you little bitch?” one of the guys asked a in a severely scottish accent. scottish accent. i froze up for a second before regaining my senses.

“nothing he-she didn’t say anything.” i said holding a hand protectively in fRont of sirius. but he wouldn’t shut up.

“maybe if you didn’t whistle at young girls, i wouldn’t have to tell you to go fuck your self.” he said.

the same guy laughed mirthlessly and licked his lips. “well maybe, if you weren’t traveling alone, dressed like that, i wouldn’t have to whistle would i?” he asked. his voice was pulling at something inside of me, it was t just what he was saying which was terrible, but it was his accent too. i couldn’t think straight.

sirius pushed my hand away and stood up.

“dressed like this?” he asked holding his shirt. “you mean, a shirt and pants?”

the guy nodded. the other three guys were watching silently. i could tell they didn’t expect to escalate the situation but they didn’t look surprised that this guy did. that’s when it hit me that this guy had probably done this before and those guys hadn’t done anything to stop him. an overwhelming anger came over me, and the strength and adrenaline of the whole day came rushing into me at once. i stood up and punched the guy right in the face, he stumbled back a little bit i didn’t stop attacking, i kicked him again and again. he tried to fight back but my first punch had knocked the wind out of him and because i continued attacking without even pausing for a second, he didn’t have any leverage to regain him footing. soon he was on the floor blood flowing out of his nose. he was in a sort of curled position and was trying to protect his head with his hands. none of his friends had gotten up to protect him. i wanted to keep kicking him. i really did. i didn’t want to stop until his nose was completely shattered or i had broken placed his ribs into his lungs but after a few minutes, sirius pulled me back gently.

“this is our stop.” he said. but i could barely register it. my whole world was still red and suddenly it wasn’t the man who had whistled. it was barty lying there, helpless on the ground just waiting to be broken by me just like i’d been broken by him countless times.

“no.” i pulled out of sirius’s grasp and kicked the guy in the stomach one more time, but in the time that sirius had stopped me from attacking. this guy had regained his footing and even though he looked like he had at least one fractured limb, he came lunging at me. sirius pulled my out of the train and it closed just in time to stop him from getting out after us.

the train station was complete abandoned. not many people came around the neighborhood of grimmauld place, which was lucky because the polyjuice was starting to wear off. he was starting to look like himself again which i was grateful for because i just wanted to see him. i knew no one would be around plus it was dark outside so it would be hard to see him anyway.

“what.” he whispered still holding on to my arm, “was that?” i was still breathing very hard. i couldn’t see straight. i just wanted something else to attack.

“get off of me!” i pulled my arm out of his grip. “why would you do that?”

he looked taken aback. “i- do what?”

“pull. me. off of him.” i breathed. “i had him. he was right there at me feet. i could have, i would have- he was right there.”

“rose. stop.” he tried to center me. “that wasn’t barty. that was a random muggle that was a complete dick don’t get me wrong, but he was just a random muggle.”

“no, the things he said.” i whispered shaking my head. “he’s done this before. he’s done it to other girls. i should have killed him.”

“then you would have gone to jail.” sirius said. “believe me, you dont want to prison for murder if a random douchebag.”

i stared at him. “i wouldn’t go to prison, i’m a minor, plus you have the best hiding spot. how can you even say that?”

sirius looked at me sadly. “you really want to hide there for the rest of your life?” he asked. “you’re a child. barely 16 years old, you could do so much and you want to spend the rest of your life stuck in a dusty old house with kreacher for the rest of your life for murdering one guy who reminded of you of barty?” he asked. sirius sounded a little angry which snapped me out of whatever i was in.

“no.” i whispered. “of course not. i just,”

“that guy definitely deserved what you just gave him.” sirius said. “but he was not worth the rest of your life. and trust me, i don’t think he’s going to be doing that to girls anymore after what you just did to him. and in fRont of his friends.”

sirius put an arm around me and we started walking back home as it wasn’t too far away.

“i really did embarrass that guy in fRont of his friends. didn’t i?” i asked a little proudly.

sirius sounded like he was smiling. “i’m not even sure those guys are his friends.” he said. “they did not life a finger to stop you, actually, kind of looked like they’re ere enjoying it, or like they wanted to do it themselves.”

i smiled all the way home.

my birthday had passed on january 1st, 4 days before everyone had to leave. i specifically told everyone to not wish me a happy birthday, not because i didn’t want everyone to make a fuss (although that did have a part in it too) but because last year wasn’t a particularly happy memory for me, and i was 16, dropped out of school, my magic wasn’t working, i was so mad at my father i probably would have killed him if i saw him again, and my best friends were leaving in a few days. but this outing with sirius, all the way until the end had been like a birthday gift for me. the best birthday gift actually. he had gotten me something from one of the shops, something he had managed to hide from me all the way until the next day when he baked a cake for me while i was still asleep.

“technically.” he said “it’s not a birthday celebration so it’s fine.” i smiled.

“you really didn’t have to make a cake.” i said. “or we could have made it together! i love baking.”

“no, but that would defeat the purpose.” sirius said smartly placing the cake between us on the table.

“defeat the purpose of what?” i asked suspiciously. taking the butter knife he handed me to cut the cake.

halfway through, the knife hit something hard. i cut away around it and placed the cake on a plate that sirius had placed on the table. when i pulled out the glass box, it was a small locket. i opened the box and opened it. inside was a picture of me, Ron, Hermione and Harry standing around happily laughing. i remembered that day this photo was taken in our third year by hagrid. it was before we knew about sirius’s innocence, even before buckbeak was on trial for attacking Draco malfoy. we were laughing at something Ron had said but i couldn’t remember what. it was one of the few times we were all actually friends that year because Ron and Harry had spent so much of the year not talking to Hermione, first over Rons rat, then over the firebolt. i smiled looking at the picture. on the other side, there was a picture of me and him that i had forced him to take a couple of months ago, to test out a cool camera i had found in a random box in the basement that i had never seen before. he wasn’t really enthusiastic about it, but he was in the photo anyway. i didn’t even know that photo had developed. the camera stopped working after i took the picture and i was disappointed that i couldn’t see it, but sirius had apparently used magic to make it work, and had shrunk the picture so it would fit in the book shaped locket.

i stared at it open mouthed for minutes before sirius finally asked “so? do you like it?”

“like it?” i whispered, before snapping it shit and holding it to me chest. “i love it. thank you sirius.” i got up and gave him a hug, i had to hold back my tears even though this time, for the first time in a long time, they were happy ones.

“how did you even think of this?” i asked putting the necklace on and fiddling with it.

sirius shrugged. “i know you like books, and from there it wasn’t a really big jump.” he said like it was no big deal, but he was smiling like he was proud of it.

“it’s. amazing.” i said getting up to get two spoons so we could eat his cake. but after one bite, it was clear it was not edible.

“did, you forget to wash the container off or make it heat proof before putting it in the cake batter?” i asked spitting out the cake as it tasted like melted plastic.

“it is very possible that i did.” sirius said

spitting his piece out too. “maybe i should have asked you to bake the cake.”

we laughed. “but seriously, sirius.” i said. “thank you. this is the best gift ever.”

i tried to be better, i was fine. after everyone left, even the loneliness wasn’t getting to me as much. but every time i lay down to go to sleep the man from the trains voice just floated around in my head. it wasn’t what he was saying, it was his accent. and everytime i would bear his voice, i would be back in the chest again, no matter how much i tried not to be. i didn’t sleep at all for like three days after that, and it was obvious that sirius was becoming more and more concerned. i wasn’t sure why this was worse than everything else that had happened, but i did kind of. this man was one of millions exactly like him. there were too many evil people in the world and i couldn’t live with it. just the thought of someone else having to go through the same thing made me want to throw up. i could barely handle it. i was starting to look terrible and had dark circles under my eyes. my head was constantly hurting and everything sirius said to make me feel better or try to sleep just irritated me. i tried not to let it though, it wasn’t sirius’s fault. it was my own. i beat up that guy. i was the winner in that scenario but still i was letting it get to me. again, i was completely fine, after having to reheal after seeing moody again. after seeing the girl in the hospital, i hadn’t slept for a couple of days, and after i got stuck in my memory on christmas, it took sirius’s weds. but by the time everyone had left, i was completely fine again. but now, it was worse than before. i couldn’t sleep, which mean i couldn’t function. after the fourth day. sirius came in and forced the potion that madame pomfrey had given me. i had only used it once since getting out. it really had let me have a dreamless sleep but i had accidentally taken too much and ended up asleep for two whole days. sirius has thought i was dead and frantically came in and tried to wake me, and when i didn’t wake up naturally, he splashed water on my face which lead me to another severe panic attack. but i was over all of that now. that had been in september, now it was january and it was sirius forcing a spoonful down my throat. i didn’t want it, i didn’t know why, but i didn’t want to sleep so deeply i couldn’t wake up naturally, but sirius wouldn’t hear it. he said that either i could take the potion myself or he would stay by my side every minute until i fell asleep. the thought of having someone with me, in that state of extreme sleepiness was so irritating i ended up taking a whole spoonful. and just like last time, i slept. i floated into a deep sleep, only this time it wasn’t dreamless.

i was in an unfamiliar setting. it was beautiful though, the room was really large, and two large chairs sat in the middle of the back wall. the more i looked around, i realized it was a thRone room. there was an old white man and woman who sat upon the thRones. obviously they were the king and queen. the man was wearing an eyepatch and had a gash across his face while his wife looked flawless.

“the army is nearing.” a voice came from in fRont of them. i was standing behind the figure that spoke but i was too busy looking at the designs on the stones that i hadn’t even noticed who was speaking. two men stood in fRont of the king and queen. one was incredibly muscly and as i walked around to the fRont of them, i realized he was chiseled and attractive, he had blonde hair that had been allowed to grow to shoulder length and hadn’t been pulled back. next to him stood a skinny but muscular man with greasy black hair and the most perfect bone structure. i immediately recognized him as Loki, prince of asgard whom i’d met the previous year, i’d actually almost forgotten about him, given our brief interaction, but i still recognized him easily. which must have meant that i was in asgard. i knew enough about norse mythology from reading up on it after i met Loki to know that the guy standing next to him was thor and the king and queen were odin and frigga. at first i was afraid that they would be able to see me, and wondered how i would explain my presence there, but quickly realized that they couldn’t because i was standing between them and no one was looking at me. how was that even possible? that potion was supposed to throw me into a dreamless sleep, and yet here i was. but how was i dreaming about the royal family of asgard? i’d never even seen any of them except Loki, and i’d definitely never seen the inside of this incredibly elegant thRone room. but i must have been here for a reason, so i just stepped to the side and listened. at first it was just boring. apparently, an army was planning to invade asgard but this was a particularly big deal because they had a weapon that no one who had invaded had ever had before. a stone? i couldn’t have heard that correctly. how could a stone be powerful? but i kept listening.

“we have maybe another 18 months.” thor said.

“father, the secret weapon.” Loki said. and i looked at him, along with everyone else

“is it ready?” odin asked.

“it’s still not ready, but i shall not need 18 more months.”

“how long then?” frigga asked.

“perhaps one more year?” Loki said a little unsure. “actually i think less.”

“and you’re sure this secret weapon of yours, will work?” thor asked gripping his hammer. “because this army-“

but odin put a hand up. “Loki and i have discussed it.” he said calmly. “we shall speak no more about it but i am confident in Loki’s solution, at least to this one problem.”

wow; great dad. i though to myself. he seemed super supportive of his son. i waited for something else to happen, but nothing did. i drifted out of the thRone room, and finally, properly to sleep.

like, two days later i woke up, finally feeling better than i had. the train incident had been forgotten, some sleep was all i needed. but now, another think was pulling at me. that potion was supposed to make me sleep dreamlessly, but i had somehow ended up in asgard. i had never had a dream like that before, to the point where i was starting to believe that it wasn’t really a dream. but what could it have possible been. maybe a situation like when Harry has watched arthur being attacked by the snake? it had actually happened. he was really there, maybe i was really on asgard too? but no one could see me. although that would make sense because arthur couldn’t see Harry either. then there were more questions, how and why? the how was nagging at me much more than why. they had been talking about at army attacking and a secret weapon? Dumbledore has been talking about a secret weapon at the order meeting. was it possible that this was somehow connected? i wondered if i should tell sirius. he would probably know what was happening, right? but what did he know about asgard?

still, i figured that if someone could at least figure out how i was even there, it would be him.

“wow you’re finally awake!” sirius exclaimed as i came down fully dressed.

i smiled. “yeah, how long has it been?”

“two whole days i think.” he said thoughtfully.

“long time then. what’s been going on?”

sirius smiled. “just hanging out. remus came over.”

“do you have coffee ready?” i asked.

“i do.” we walked to kitchen and i poured the coffee into two mugs.

“so, something kind of interesting happened.” i said settling down into a chair.

sirius say opposite from me? “really? when, when you were sleeping or?”

i smiled but this was actually serious.

“you know how that potion is supposed to let you sleep dreamlessly?” i asked casually, but sirius stopped smiling.

“you had a dream?”

i grasped the mug. “so, it wasn’t really a dream. it was more like i was there.” i said

“like Harry? when he attacked arthur?” sirius muttered.

“well, yeah, but i wasn’t actually able to touch anything.” i said. “and no one there could see me.”

“where were you?”

“asgard. i didn’t tell you, but when i was at my fathers house for one day last summer, i met a man named Loki. he introduced himself as a prince of asgard, and honestly, i didn’t believe him at first, but then, i don’t know, i started reading about norse mythology and it all sounded really interesting. and i kind of started believing him because i wished he was telling the truth. and then, after i fell asleep, it was like i woke up in the thRone room on asgard. and Loki was there and odin, and frigga and thor. or at least that’s who i thought they were. and they were discussing an army that was about to attack them, with an extremely powerful, stone?” sirius looked at me like i was crazy when i said stone.”

“yeah, stone.” i repeated. “but then, Loki mentioned a secret weapon? and Dumbledore mentioned a secret weapon.”

“woah, stop.” sirius said. “you’re thinking that this is connected, but i really don’t think so. and,” he sighed “the secret weapon, it’s not really a weapon. it’s information.”

“what?” i asked,

“well, the prophecy mentioned on the first meeting. that’s- what arthur was protecting. Dumbledore placed an order member in fRont of the order every day, and that night, it was arthur’s turn to make sure no one broke into the place, and apparently voldemort or at least his snake, had tried to.

i gaped at home. “are you- allowed to be telling me this?”

sirius shrugged. “who cares? you deserve to know, and i would tell Harry too, if he were here.”

“no you wouldn’t.” i said, because Harry was here and sirius hadn’t told him.

“fine, no i wouldn’t. but you deserve to know. anyway, we were talking about asgard’s secret weapon?”

“i don’t know, they didn’t say what it was, but Loki told odin and odin seemed to agree that it was the right course of action. also they said that they had 18 months max before the army invaded, why that specific period of time i don’t know, but apparently the secret weapon there will be ready in less than a year.”

“and you have no idea what this secret weapon could be?” he asked.

“no, i wish i did. i’m just, curious as to how i was even there. i met Loki once and we had a connection, sure, but it’s not

like i’ve ever seen him in any other dream, ever. and why this conversation? i could have gone there during any other time, but something wanted me to hear this.” i trailed off a little.

“ok, well, this isn’t really something that’s immediately going to affect us.” sirius said slowly. “so maybe, if you ever have a dream like this again, we can try to figure out how it all fits together.” i nodded. he was right, what was the point of worrying about this when i had no idea what was going on? but something about the timeline was annoying me. when i talked to Loki, he mentioned a deal with my father that he couldn’t tell me about her, but that i would find out soon. and then, he had asked me for my age and said something about two years?

but none of it made sense anyway. i shook my head. i wasn’t going to think about it, not yet anyway. not until i had more information.

but no matter how much i tried to put the dream out of my mind, i couldn’t. my magic wasn’t working at all, and even though i was acting calm about it, i was freaking out. i had really expected it to come back by now, even though it hadn’t been a year, i had hoped six months would have been the deadline? i ignored it, but i was ignoring a lot of other stuff so it wasn’t that hard to ignore this as well.

  
  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can go to Document 2 from the end of this chapter for a different series of events and then come back to chapter 22, or you can just continue reading chapter 21, either way, it'll end up at chapter 22.

there were basically no more order meetings after that, at least at grimmauld place. but maybe they were meeting somewhere else although i didn’t see where they could have found somewhere big enough and hidden enough to hold all those people. maybe there was nothing else to say, someone was always guarding the prophecies. it wasn’t like there was that much that we could do because voldemort hadn’t even started really attacking people yet. he clearly wanted to keep that fact that he was back on the down low even though it didn’t make sense. he’d been back for months now, why wouldn’t he be wreaking havoc? obviously he had something big planned, it must have been bigger that just stealing a prophecy from the ministry of magic right? how important could a prophecy even be? what could it possibly say that would make his want it so badly? none of this made sense. he had gone after Harry, 15 years ago, which meant he knew something, and if he knew that, why would he need more information? i wanted to talk to Hermione, but i didn’t want to be the reason that we opened the floo network and got someone in trouble. by the end of february, i was going crazy. there were so many details that didn’t fit into each other. i told sirius about it over and over again everytime he listened to me, and he tried to provide an answer but he couldn’t find any answers either. the only thing we could think of was that Dumbledore was lying to us, about something. but he wouldn’t straight up tell us. Harry’s occlemency lessons, as expected, were going terribly. he sent sirius a letter at least once a week over the next few weeks about how much snape was bullying him during the lessons and how it was not working at all. at one point he was worried that snape was deliberately opening his mind up to make him more vulnerable, but i told sirius to shut that down quickly. actually, sirius did seem worried about the same thing, but i had to convince him that enabling Harry with that thought would just make everything worse. i reminded him that he was the one who told me that i should trust Dumbledore, and it was Dumbledore who wanted Harry to have lessons with snape. sirius didn’t seem to want to argue with that so he just gave in and told Harry not to think that, and that he had to do what snape said to succeed. after that, Harry stopped writing for a whole, obviously he expected sirius to be on his side, especially when it came to snape. sirius sulked around for a bit but i told him firmly that he had done the right thing and that if Harry was going to be mad, then sirius would just have to deal with it. but then, an unexpected thing happened. Dumbledores army was exposed by one of Cho Chang’s friends. Hermione wrote to me about it, but was also all over the papers. Dumbledore has taken responsibility for the whole and thing, which has spiraled out of control as the minister himself showed up with three other aurors. Dumbledore has taken responsibility for the whole thing as it was named after him, and had narrowly escaped arrest by disapperating. umbridge was appointed headmistress and was implementing so many insane rules. Harry has no choice but to start writing to sirius again, because his quidditch team was considered illegal until he got special permission from umbridge and she wasn’t too inclined to like him. sirius advised him to keep his head down and not talk back to umbridge, but Harry, who had already been given detention upwards of 30 times, had a hard time doing that. luckily, she couldn’t stop his occlumency lessons because she thought it was just extra potions lessons, and as she had implemented a rule saying that professors weren’t allowed to teach about anything other than their subject, this was good. it wasn’t as if any one else knew about it anyway, but still. with Dumbledore gone and voldemort on the lose, Hermione’s letters had become more and more frantic. she was worried about the safety of everyone around her, especially Harry. i tried to convince her that if voldemort did attack Hogwarts, he would be exposed, of course i didn’t really believe it myself because he had a bunch of death eaters who would do his bidding for him. i knew from first hand experience, not only from barty, but from the quidditch world cup.

then, a couple of weeks after that, something awful happened. Harry showed up in the fireplace one evening unexpectedly. sirius saw him and i heard voices so i went downstairs to see what was happening.

“i don’t have much time.” Harry said, his head in our fireplace. i ran down to them.

“Harry!” i exclaimed but he didn’t really look at me.

“sirius, my friends are causing a distraction so i could be in umbridges office to talk to you.” sirius nodded.

“what is it?”

“i was just doing a lesson with snape and i accidentally saw a memory with him and you and- my father.” sirius looked uncomfortable

“you and my dad, you guys embarrassed him, in fRont of the whole school.” i looked at sirius. who was pointedly avoiding eye contact.

“i’m not proud of what we did.” he said to Harry. “but we were fifteen years old, we didn’t know much better. and that day was a particularly bad day. it didn’t happen much after that. and snape, i know he didn’t look like he could, but he defended himself really well. one time he hexed is and james’s ear almost came off. and snape, he would always use dark magic with his friends. i know it’s not an excuse, but we were never very nice to each other.”

Harry stared at him. “but, who started it?”

Harry asked.

“i don’t remember. we hated each other from the first day we met. i’m not really sure who started the attacking.”

“but, a couple of years ago.” Harry said starting to sound a little desperate. “snape said that you guys almost

killed him but my dad saved his life by telling him what happened after realizing the severity of the situation.

i actually did know about that, i took snapes story with a grain of salt, but i wanted to hear it from sirius’s side.

he sighed and dropped his head. “i made a mistake that day. he said. but your father had nothing to do with it. he did actually save snape.”

“sirius, you guys were fifteen. i’m fifteen.”

“and you would never treat someone like we treated snape.” sirius said. “but please, you have to know that he pushed back. he wasn’t an innocent, helpless victim that we just attacked.” Harry nodded and looked back.

“i have to go, sirius.” Harry said and pulled his head out of the fireplace without saying anything else. i wondered what the hell Harry was thinking. there’s no way his opinion of his dad and sirius has changed that much because of snape. mine hadn’t.

sirius looked at me.

“what are you thinking?” he asked quietly.

i shook my head. “nothing.” i said back.

“really? you’re not thinking about what Harry just said then.” i shook my head

“actually, i am, but for a different reason.” i said and sirius raised an eyebrow.

“if Harry saw that happen, there’s no way snapes going to continue to teach him occlumency.” sirius’s eyes widened.

“you’re right?” he exclaimed. “i’m going to kill snape. this isn’t about him! it’s about Harry’s safety!” sirius ponded a fist into his other hand and looked kind of terrifying. i just stood quietly and let him be mad. but something in his voice when he said he was going to kill snake for stopping teaching Harry was hard to ignore.

“do you think we can contact snape through owl mail?” he asked.

i shrugged but didn’t say anything.

“why aren’t you saying anything?” he asked pacing.

“you’re freaking out.” i said. “i’m just waiting for you to stop.”

“i’m not freaking out!” he yelled still pacing. “Harry’s probably already mad at me and his father for what he just saw, and now snape isn’t going to teach him to protect him anymore? can snape do anything right? i always knew he was a greasy little git.”

i agreed with his definitely, but i did not

like the way he was saying it. but how was i supposed to stop him? i figured i should just stand back and let him wear himself out, but if i kept watching this i wasn’t going to want to speak to him anymore.

i hated snape, i really did, the way he treated not only Harry, but Neville, and many other students who weren’t in his own house was abysmal. whatever James and Sirius has done to him as a kid, he must have deserved it.

“i’m going to go to Hogwarts.” sirius said. “yeah, and i’ll just talk to snape. i mean i’ve been in the castle before, it’s not that difficult. i’ll just, go talk to him.”

wow did that bring me to my senses.

“what!” i interrupted stepping in to stop him pacing.

he just looked at me.

“seriously? you want to go to Hogwarts? right now? with umbridge as headmistress?”

sirius nodded. “yeah, no one knows i’m a dog-“

“no! sirius! do you know how absolutely ridiculous you sound?”

“don’t.” be said roughly. “don’t. call me ridiculous.”

i was mad that he was mad. “i’ll call you ridiculous because that’s how you’re acting! i would never call you ridiculous if you weren’t being ridiculous!” i’d said ridiculous so many times it was starting to sound weird but i didn’t know what to say.

“well my godsons in danger!” he said. “and i can’t do anything about it!”

  1. “of course you can.” i said calmingly.



“yeah? what?”

“i- i don’t know. but sirius going to Hogwarts is not a valid answer. how would you even get there?” i sounded incredulous.

“ok, obviously you’re right.” i agreed. “snapes the worst. but Dumbledore isn’t there anymore. maybe, we should- bring Harry back?”

i was glad that sirius had at least calmed down.

now he was staring at me. “do you think he’d, want to leave his friends and come here?” he asked maybe a little hopefully.

i absolutely didn’t. but at least sirius wasn’t freaking out anymore.

“maybe you should ask him.” i suggested softly.

“yeah, and maybe he’ll respond if he’s not mad at me.”

“i don’t think he’s mad at you.” i said. “i think he got a little scared because of what he saw, just because he wasn’t expecting it. but i don’t think he’s mad.”

maybe i shouldn’t have used the work scared, but it was involuntary because it was kind of what i felt. i did not want to admit it, i didn’t want to feel it. but seeing sirius angry and pacing, yelling, id never seen that, that with the fact that there was a side of him that almost killed sirius, i felt a little scared, of him. and when he walked past me to get paper from his room, i couldn’t help it but to step back a little.

sirius walked straight past me, to his room and shut himself in. he didn’t come out for days after that, and i went up occasionally to feed him just like he’d done for me during and after my many breakdowns. he didn’t say anything to me except a grunt of thanks and immediately shut the door again leaving me annoyed standing outside all alone. i kind of understood how we felt though. angry that he couldn’t do anything, but most of all, helpless. he was stuck in this house. even more than me, because at least i could be myself when i left, not that being myself was anything to be excited about but still. at least i didn’t have to hide behind poly juice potion. his godson could be in danger, Dumbledore had been run out of Hogwarts, and the new headmistress, who worked for the ministry refused to accept that anything might be wrong, and definitely would not accept voldemort’s return. i knew sirius felt helpless but i had no idea what to say to him which is why i left him to stew in his bitterness alone. besides, after his display of misdirected anger, i thought i should stay away from him anyway. why had i flinched? i hadn’t meant to, right? but even involuntary actions stemmed from somewhere. it wasn’t an accident, but i didn’t want to be scared of sirius. i decided to push it back, just like i was doing with a lot lately. i would just ignore my feelings. but i still avoided sirius.

about a week after sirius refused to come out of his room, my boredom was mounting. i was starting to y’all to buck beak more and more often.

“you’re stuck in here too.” i whispered to him rushing his half feather, half fur coat. buck beak made a squawking noise.

“what would you say to someone who was stuck in here?” i asked. “because i have no idea what to say to sirius and yeah, technically i’m stuck in here too, but i can go anywhere. well, not really, but there’s still that illusion for me. but sirius was free up until last year. he said he’d gone to hogsmead. which means he could leave even now right? he could just get on your back and leave.”

i stopped brushing him and sighed. “i don’t know what to say to him.” i said. “this has never happened before. sirius is basically my best friend, and he’s alone and empty, and he’s feeling everything that i did. trapped, helpless, and i understand. more than anyone i understand. but when i saw the way he reacted to snape not teaching Harry occlumency anymore, it was more than just bitterness. more than anger. i’ve never seen that kind of hatred in anyone, except.” i stopped. buck beak, who was licking his feathers had stopped when i stopped thinking. tears dropped down my face. how could i have compared sirius to barry? why would that thought even come to my mind?

i shook my head and stood up. “i’m sorry bucky,” i whispered rubbing him again, “i love sirius. he’s a good man, but his anger, it’s ok, he deserves to her angry. i’m not scared of him.” i emphasized the last part.

i’m not scared of him. and i really wasn’t. i don’t even know why that thought had entered my mind, but as soon as i said it out loud, i realized how true it was. scared of sirius? that was ridiculous.

i walked out and was about to bang on sirius’s door again, but an owl tapped on the window. i went to open it and a small owl tumbled inside, dropped the letter in my hand and flew out without even expecting a snack or anything. the letter was addressed to Sirius Black. but it wasn’t Harry, Harry would have written it to snuffles and Dumbledore hadn’t contacted us since he had gone on the run. i had no idea who it was from. how could i? I wondered if i should even open it. a part of me just wanted to chuck it into the fire and pretend i hadn’t seen it. but curiosity got the better of me. who else could possible know where sirius was? another member of the order? technically anyone who knew where we were could send us letters. just because they could speak the address, just because they couldn’t disclose the name of the location, didn’t mean that we were

completely closed out to the world. but i remembered how i had gotten here.

simply by imagining how the hall looked like. if this person knew where sirius was, could he maybe have access by floo powder? but i figured that Dumbledore would have thought of that and maybe you could only get in if you had seen that particular image. i really hoped so, but that also meant that i had to see who the letter was from, purely for information purposes.

i don’t know why, but my hands trembled a bit as i unfolded the piece of paper. immediately my eyes jumped to the signature at the end of the page, even though i hadn’t meant to. Peter Pettigrew. it said and my stomach dropped with absolute dread. i stumbles into a chair in the living room and continued staring at the signature without even reading the rest of the letter. peter pettigrew, the man who had ruined sirius’s life, and Harry’s, the man who had basically murdered lily and james potter. why the hell was he writing to sirius? had he written before? how did he even know- but they were best friends when they were younger, there’s no way peter didn’t know where sirius’s house was. the only fact that calmed me down even a little was that the murderous traitor couldn’t tell his master where the house was as only Dumbledore could do that. but i didn’t even think about the fact that he could contact sirius. obviously sirius didn’t want to hear what he had to say right? sirius was angry enough, and if i read the letter, i would be burdened with the knowledge of what peter could have possibly written. i wasn’t sure i wanted that. then i would have to lie sirius if it said something awful. right now i was free, but if i made the decision to read it, that freedom would be gone. i would have to tell him. or if i didn’t, i would have to live with lying to him, even if it was for his own good. i stared at the signature for a couple more minutes before realizing that i had to read it.

Sirius,

I know you have no reason to listen to me. none at all. i have betrayed you and all our friends. but he who must be named is back, there’s no way you don’t know that. sirius. he’s after Harry. i know you’re wondering why i’m telling you- but no matter what i’ve done. no matter what has happened, he is still james’s kid. and i don’t want him to get hurt. he who must not be named doesn’t know about this letter. but Harry shouldn’t be in immediate danger at Hogwarts.

i know you have no reason to believe me sirius, but we were friends once. and there is one important piece of information that you need to know. He knows, he knows about Harry, about what Harry can do to him.

and he’s not happy about it.

Peter

  
  
  



	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One version of events that happens after Peter's letter. Document 2 is another version. Either way, the next chapter is part of the story and both paths will end up there.

I read and reread the letter. it was terrible. there was no information, no regret, nothing. what was even the point of writing this? other than showing sirius that he knew where sirius was. that or to make him angrier about not being able to do anything. it was almost a taunt. what could Harry do to him? what was voldemort not happy about. i balled the

paper in my fist. there’s no way i was going to show this to sirius. he would definitely get on buck beak and fly straight to the castle. there was no way this wasn’t a trap either. i can’t believe he expected even for a second that sirius would believe that voldemort had no idea he was writing this letter? peter was the most cowardly person ever. he would even make drink something without permission. and he expected sirius to believe that he had disobeyed and betrayed his master for this poorly written letter? there was no way. i wasn’t going to tell sirius, but then i would be lying to him. this is exactly what i was worried about. how could i possible explain burning this letter if he did find out about it? but in a split second decision, i stood up and threw it into the fire. i watched as it curled in the flame finally disappearing into nothing but ash.

“i did it to protect him.” i whispered to myself. “i don’t have bad intentions. i did it to protect sirius.”

“did what to protect me?” sirius asked coming down the stairs. i was kneeling next to the fireplace and quickly stood up.

“sirius!” i exclaimed. “you came down. now!” i tried to sound enthusiastic but my voice faltered.

“i smelled something burning.” he said. “protect me from what. rose?” he asked firmly. i looked away guiltily.

“sirius.”

“what did you burn? it smells like a parchment. was it a newspaper article.” i didn’t look at him. but he kept his eyes on me. “no. was it a letter?” i turned towards him a little.

“so it is.” he said. “it probably wasn’t from Harry. you wouldn’t have gotten rid of that. was it from Dumbledore?” i didn’t say anything but he read my facial expression and said. “no. was it, from remus? but why would you get rid of that.”

“sirius, please let it go.” i said softly but he stepped in.

“was it from snape?” he asked a little roughly. i shook my head.

“sirius.”

“tell me rose!” he barked.

i closed my eyes. “peter.” i whispered finally.

“pettigrew?” he asked, his voice fell. tears were forming in my eyes.

“what did it say!” he asked.

“i’m not telling you.” i said. but this made sirius angry.

“tell me what it said. now.” he said.

finally, i realized that i probably had to tell him what it had said or he wouldn’t speak to me. now i just had to figure out if i was willing to make that sacrifice.

“sirius. he didn’t say anything important.”

“if he didn’t say anything important, then why did you burn the paper!?”

i stopped and looked at him. “i burned the paper because i didn’t want you to find out about it ok? because you’ve locked yourself in your room for ten days now and-“

“tell me what it said, rose. or get. out.” he said menacingly.

(go to document 2, for an alternate path from here)

i bounced my right leg up at down and looked everywhere before ending up back at him.

“i know that you have no reason to believe me, sirius, but i know you know you know who is back. and even though Harry is on no immediate danger, he who must not be named is after him because he knows that Harry can see into his head. but- i wanted to tell you because he is james’s son and despite everything, i don’t want him to get hurt. he who must not be named does not know i’m sending you this letter and even though i know this isn’t enough for you

to forgive me for anything. please believe me.” i recited from memory, even though it was paraphrased and even though the letter hadn’t said the words “Harry can see into his head,” i figured that that’s what he meant. what else could Harry do that voldemort wouldn’t be happy about?

sirius stood silently, but he was shaking with rage.

“i’m going to kill him.”

i didn’t say anything. i was a little scared to. i still couldn’t believe sirius had raised his voice to me. he wasn’t looking at me though.

“sirius.” i finally found my voice.

“no.” he interrupted

“sirius.” i said firmly and a little louder. “this is clearly a trap.”

“is it?” he asked softly looking at me. “is it a trap?”

“come on, do you honestly believe that peter would write you that note without voldemort knowing? with as much as a cowering traitor as he is? he wants you to walk straight into Hogwarts, straight into their trap. you’re going to end up back in azkaban!”

this was clearly the wrong thing to say. “it’s a trap? really? you think so?” he asked sarcastically. “he’s still in danger. my best friends son, the only part of james that i have left is in danger and i’m supposed to sit here and just wait!”

“sir-“

“stop it! you had no right, to burn that letter!” he yelled.

“no i’m the only one who had the right!” i yelled over him and he fell silent.

“i’m the only one who had the right.” i repeated quieter. “do you honestly think i don’t know exactly what you’re thinking?” i continued ignoring the look on sirius’s face. “trapped, helpless, knowing that Harry is in danger but not able to do anything about it! do you honestly think that i don’t know?” my voice cracked and i wiped away tears that had formed a long time ago when we first started the argument.

sirius quieted down considerably.

“i still. have to go see him.” he said and turned around to walk upstairs.

“no. sirius!” i exclaimed and followed him to buckbeaks room.

“you can’t go.” i said

“i can’t go? seriously? that’s what you’re going with.” he didn’t look at me as he patted buck beak.

“yeah, you can’t go- because- because you’re reckless!”

he scoffed and looked at me. the tension in the air was horrible. but i went with it because i was right.

“you’re reckless and you act before you think and this is one of those situations.”

“i have been thinking about this for days.” he said.

“for the ten days that you’ve been locked up in your room for?” i crossed my arms.

“i’m going.”

“no, buckbeak. stay.” i said to the hippogriff

“buck beak don’t listen to her, we’ve been together longer.” sirius said and he extended his wings.

“no, buckbeak if you go, sirius could get in trouble.” i said sternly. he obviously didn’t understand me, but my tone must have scared him because he shook his entire body but retracted his wings.

“buck beak go!” sirius yelled but he just raised his from legs and made a loud sound. sirius slid off his back. then, the hippogriff started moving around recklessly. his talons slashed around. sirius moves swiftly around to the fRont and grabbed me to pull me out of the room while i put my arms up to protect my face.

“see what you did to him?” sirius asked angrily. “now the hippogriff is angry.”

“me!” i exclaimed. “that was clearly both of us!”

“you’re ridiculous if you think i had anything to with that.” sirius said but i thought his mood had lightened up a little. i guess almost being ripped apart by a hippogriff really made him understand the reality of the danger of the situation.

“sirius please don’t go.”’i pleaded.

“i’m sorry.” he said.

“don’t be,-“

“but, i am. i said some things that i shouldn’t have. i didn’t actually want you to get out.”

i was silent. he had yelled at me to get out if i wasn’t willing to tell him information that i was keeping from only to protect him. even though i knew that he was mad, it didn’t really give him the right to say that. actually, that made me want to bring up another argument.

“but, how long have you wanted to tell me

that.” i asked, we heard buckbeak scratching the door and attacking the walls but he would calm down eventually. this wasn’t something he hadn’t done before.

“what?” sirius asked,

“how long have you been waiting to yell at me? do you not want me here? because i-“

“what are you talking about?” sirius asked.

“you wanted me to get out. because i wouldn’t tell you something.”

“because i was irritated.”

“no, i trust you with everything. i trust you more than anyone else except maybe Hermione. but i burn one thing. that would just make you feel worse. i made a judgement call. and you felt the need to scream at me and demand to know what i was keeping from you. which means you don’t trust me.”

sirius stared. “only you can get that from absolutely nothing.” he said a little sadly. i looked away. “you’re right. i don’t trust you. how can i? you’re a child. you’ve been through more than anyone ever should. but there’s no way you can know what’s right for me and what’s wrong for me.” he whispered. this was like a terrible punch to the gut.

“thanks. sirius.” i whispered trying to keep the tears out of my eyes. i wouldn’t show

weakness in fRont of him especially since he already had such a high opinion of me. “thank you for telling me exactly what you think of me.” without looking back i stormed off into my room. i didn’t cry. i stared pointedly at one specific point on my wall so i wouldn’t cry. i heard sirius knock on the door but he had ignored me for ten days. i would ignore him too. if he wanted to go off to Hogwarts and get himself killed or arrested, that was up to him. i wasn’t going to get involved. i actually was never going to speak to him again.

that night, i actually made the decision to go back to my fathers. even though i hated it there, i would be able to wander about freely. sirius had made it clear he didn’t trust me, which meant he didn’t care about my opinion. why should i stick around for anything else. but even as i packed my things i could help but thinking how much i was going to miss him. he made one mistake in 10 months and i was so hurt that i was leaving. maybe i was acting like a child. i put down a shirt that i was packing. i’m not acting like a child. i thought, but deep down, as i thought more about what he had said, i didn’t think he had meant it in an offensive way. he wouldn’t have trusted Harry or Ron or Hermione either to know what was good for him. he was 16 once too, maybe he was recalling his own teen years. i finished packing even though i made the decision to give him a chance to talk to me.

i cracked open the door.

no one was in the hallway just like i expected.

i stepped out slightly.

immediately sirius’s door opened and he stepped out too.

“jeez, how did you do that?” i asked jumping back a little.

“rose. i’m so sorry, about what i said yesterday.” he said. “i didn’t mean that you were a child. and i do trust you.

i would trust you with anything. i drank the poly juice potion that you made even though it is a very complicated potion to make. i do trust you.” i crossed my arms.

but my expression became less icy and that made sirius warm up too.

“i’m just so stuck here. and it’s unbelievable that i’m stuck in the exact same position that i was in azkaban when i found out peter was with Harry. only then, i had the option of breaking out of there and here i can’t even do that.” he was right. “and-“

“and you’re reckless.” i said. “that’s who you are.”

“we’re back on this?” he asked.

“no, come one you can’t deny it. as a child you literally turned into an animagus illegally and ran across the Hogwarts grounds with your werewolf friend. i mean, that was incredibly reckless not to mention dangerous. but- i don’t want you to be stuck in here either. i made you the poly juice potion. why would i have done that if i wanted you to be stuck in here? besides, you’re here because Dumbledore

told you to be. you were perfectly fine for two whole years by yourself.” i sighed. “you can’t go to Hogwarts and beat up snape like i know you want to. but maybe, i can. and another student can.”

“are you suggesting what i think you are?” he asked smiling a little. and just like that, our biggest fight ever, was over. it was amazing how that had happened. i really felt like i would never forgive him but the second we had talked, i had. i forgave him. how could i not, he was basically my father figure and my favorite person in the world.

  
  
  



	23. Chapter 23

“what do you have in mind?” he asked. i thought for a second, the plan just forming in my head.

“we need to get to Hogwarts without umbridge noticing.” i said slowly.

“well that’s easy. the one eyed witch statue from honey dukes which leads straight into the castle.” sirius said. “not

even filch knows about that one.” i nodded.

“and we’ll need an invisibility clock,” sirius nodded quickly at that one too. “that’s easily done. i’ll just enchant a

cloak to make it invisible. it may not last as long as Harry’s, but it’ll be enough.”

“and finally, you need to have something powerful enough to scare snape into teaching Harry again.” i said quietly.

“but sirius. the letter. peter, they’re expecting you to go to the castle. this is most likely a trap. and i really don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“i know,” he said. “i know it’s a trap. but just because he’s expecting it doesn’t make the danger that Harry’s in any less intense. so, did you have a secret weapon in mind?”

i nodded thoughtfully wondering whether i should tell sirius or not.

finally after staring at him for a few seconds. i decided to let him in on some information that i didn’t even know before barty had told me.

“so, apparently.” i started. “my father has a collection of like, magical objects. and i’m not suggesting we use one to threaten snape.” i said quickly. “and i’m not suggesting we steal a wand or something from him.” sirius looked interested. “but perhaps if we borrow a wand and suggest to snape that we wouldn’t mind using it if he doesn’t continue teaching Harry.”

“you’re suggesting threatening snape?” he asked, i shook my head.

“i wouldn’t use the word threaten, but you’re right. Harry’s in danger and it’s because voldemort can look into his head and he can look into voldemort’s. maybe if, voldemort feels less threatened...” my voice trailed off. i didn’t think voldemort would just leave Harry alone if he felt less threatened, and the matter of the prophecy still resided as well as the powerful wand voldemort wanted from my fathers vault. besides, what i had told barty had been accurate. i actually did have no idea how to get into his vault. it was the most secure place ever, possible even more secure than Hogwarts. at least with Hogwarts, all the students that went there and the teachers knew it existed and how to get there, but my fathers vault, even i didn’t know it existed. i didn’t know how voldemort knew it existed or even, if it existed. i was saying all of this based on the words of a mad man, literally an insane maniac who had a knack for torturing people. why was i telling sirius this when i wasn’t even sure it existed? why would i bring sirius’s hopes up? suddenly i didn’t feel comfortable anymore. even as i was saying the plan, i wish i hadn’t but now, the more seconds i spent thinking about it, the more i realized that this was definitely a mistake and even if on some off chance we could make it into Hogwarts, there was no way we would be able to break into my fathers vault. of it even existed.

my face must have looked crestfallen because sirius’s expression fell too.

“you don’t want to do it.” he said. it wasn’t really a question.

“no, it’s not that. it’s just, my fathers vault, i’m not sure where it is, how to get in. sirius, i’m not even sure it exists.” i finished.

“how did you even find out about it then?” sirius asked curiously.

“i- barty asked me, if i knew how to get into the vault, because voldemort was looking for a powerful wand that he believed could have been hidden in the vault.”

sirius didn’t look happier. “so it probably doesn’t exist then.” he muttered.

“well, knowing my father- i honestly wouldn’t put it past him to have a super secret vault with weapons of unlimited power.” i said. “the man is powe hungry and he’ll do whatever he can to get it. even if it means sacrificing everything.”

“but, you don’t know where it is?”

i shook my head. “it’s a big house,

if it’s even in the house. and i can’t use magic, maybe you can though?”

sirius made an unsure noise. “what would you like me to do?” he asked. “accio powerful vault?”

i shrugged. “i’m sorry, it’s the best i have.”

he nodded his face fallen. i couldn’t bare to look at him like that so i said a little desperately.

“but, we could go. right now, if you want. to my fathers house. he’s almost

never at home anyway. we could spend time looking for it.”

but sirius shook his head. “you have good intentions, but with a man like your father, there’s no way that we would just be able to find it.” he said.

“ok, but if we didn’t, use the weapons.” i said. i don’t know why i was saying this. i should have just kept my mouth shut. it was the end of march, and Harry had less than three months left of school before he came back here. sirius would continue to be safe, but i knew that if sirius was stuck in here longer he was going to just spiral more and more into his depression. i didn’t want to let that happen. he wanted to be proactive. i was determined to help him.

“we just go to Hogwarts then?” he asked straightening up.

“you, said you spent time in a cave near hogsmeade last year, why don’t we just go back?”

“we?” he asked skeptically. “it was hard enough for me to survive in the cave and i’ve had experience, i’m not sure you can do it.”

i furrowed my eyebrows disgustedly. “really? you don’t think i could live in a cave? me? why? because it doesn’t have luxuries like, a bathroom?”

“no, i didn’t mean,-it’s just hard.”

“i know what hard feels like sirius.” i whispered. “and i absolutely don’t think this is a good idea because i feel like we’re walking straight into a trap, but if you’re going, i’m coming too. you’re stuck with me black.” i placed a hand on his shoulder solemnly and he looked down at it.

“what happened?” he asked taking my hand and looking at the gigantic slash leading up from the top of the back of my hand all the way down to the middle. i looked at it too, it was the first time i was even seeing it, it didn’t even hurt, maybe it was the adrenaline that kicked in when we were arguing?

“probably buck beak?” i asked tracing the line and wincing a little, but it didn’t really hurt, if anything, it just brought back memories that i didn’t want to come back.

“can you just get rid of it?” i asked my voice trembling a little because i felt like if i looked at it longer i would succumb full into a memory that couldn’t hold me back, especially not now. sirius looked grave but nodded and pulled out his wand. within seconds the gash was gone, without even a little scar.

“thanks.” i said quietly. “so when are we leaving?”

“i don’t think we should.” he said quietly. i stared at him because this was a complete 180 from what he’d been saying.

“you’re right. it’s too dangerous. Harry will be ok at school. just because Dumbledore isn’t there right now-“ his voice trailed off but he wasn’t looking at me in the eye.

“hold on!” i exclaimed. “you’re lying to me aren’t you?” i stepped in fRont of him and snaked my head so he would make eye co fact. “no, the one thing that you promised me was that you wouldn’t run away without telling me, and that’s what you’re going to do isn’t it?”

“no, i’m not leaving.” sirius said. “i really mean it. i’m not going anywhere.”

i squinted at him. “so, you’re not going to do anything about peter, or snape, or Harry. you’re just going to stay her. and ignore it all?” i made my skepticism clear.

he sighed. “i wouldn’t even know what to do.”

there were too many things going on, but i couldn’t find one solution to the problems. the only thing i could maybe thing of was that sirius would feel better if he did go to the secret hide out in the cave. i couldn’t be the one to hold him back especially because he only decided not to go because he thought i couldn’t handle it.

“go.” i said quietly.

“what?”

“just, go to hogsmeade. go to the cave. you don’t have to take me.”

“what?” he asked again.

“come on, you and i both know you can’t stay here. and you don’t want me to come-“

“seriously, what?” he asked and he was kind annoyed. “why would you you are think that you’re the reason i don’t want to go?”

“i said if you went i would come with you and you changed your mind.” i said. “and you don’t change your mind. especially about this.”

“oh wow, yeah i can see how you got confused.” he sighed. “i’m just trying to protect you.” he said.

“so it is about me! i knew it.”

“yeah of course this particular thing is about you. look i spent a lot of time in that cave last year, more than a couple of months, and it’s just hard. there’s not much place to sleep, and it’s uncomfortable and there’s no bathroom.”

“-and what? you think i’m just going on around sleeping on expensive feather beds?”

“well- the beds in this house are expensive feather beds.” sirius muttered.

i ignored him. “like i can’t even handle roughing it? i can handle anything sirius!” i said.

“i know you can.” he said quietly. “but the problem is, i don’t want you to have to.” i stood there silently, thinking about the completely packed luggage in my room. if sirius actually did leave for hogsmeade and i didn’t go with him, i couldn’t stay here. i’d have to go back to my fathers house.

“you’re not saying anything.” he said after a while of me just standing there.

“i- i’m just thinking.” i said.

“about?”

“about, where i’m going, when you go to hogsmeade to be with your godson.”

“you want me to go then?”

i shook my head slightly but then smiled. “it’s not up to me. it’s your choice. and if you want me to come with you, then i will, because i can handle it, but if you feel like if i came, you would end up having to take care of me too, my bags already packed. i’ll go back to my fathers.”

“you’re already packed?” that was his takeaway.

“i was- being childish, i wanted to leave because you hurt my feelings, but i’m ok now, i think.”

sirius reached for my hands. “i’m so sorry i hurt your feelings. i didn’t mean it.”

“no, but you were right. i am just 16, i mean, i know that it’s not young, but i don’t- i shouldn’t be making decisions for you. you can take care of yourself, you’ve done a great job doing more than that, you took care of Harry and you take care of me. except for the times you lock yourself in your room and refuse to come out.”

sirius smiled. “i’ve never even been in a relationship and i somehow have two kids.” he shook his shaggy head.

“come on that’s not true.” i joked. “you were in a relationship with james and remus, and-“ i paused because i was about to say peter, but then finished with “lily.”

sirius could sense the name peter about to be said because he tensed. “i can’t believe that little rat had the audacity to send me a letter.” he said angrily.

i didn’t say anything again. “sirius, voldemort is still after something in my fathers vault, do you reckon, he’d show up there looking for it?” i whispered

“maybe.” sirius said. “if he really believes that your father has something of importance to him.”

then another thought struck my mind. “what if- what if my father is in league with voldemort?” i whispered. my voice shaking. sirius, who was sort of looking pensive shook it off and looked at me.

“is that something that you believe could happen?” he asked morosely.

i didn’t know. i wouldn’t put it past my father to not work with someone just because they were evil, if they offered him power, i know my father would take it. plus he was just as if not more powerful than voldemort, which mean he could have easily been working with him.

“i think,” i said finally, “that i spent 11 years with him, growing up hearing the voices from the basement, the screams, growing up with no friends because everyone was too scared to come near me for fear he might hurt them. growing up with housekeepers coming in and out, our

mysteriously disappearing after finding something they shouldn’t know about. i know that he says all magic comes with a price and ive never seen him pay it. so i don’t think i would put it past him to be in league with the most dark wizard of all time. just because he hasn’t got a wand doesn’t make him dark.”

“oh we’re talking about me then?” a high but mans voice came from behind us. as we were standing in a hallway at the top of the stairs, it took a moment to turn around enough to place where the sound had come from. sirius instinctively stepped between us and pulled out his wand while using his left arm to push me behind him.

“father?” i exlclaimed surprised but not stepping out from behind sirius.

“rose!” he turned on the light with a wave of his hand, i hadn’t even realized how dark it had become until he turned on the light.

“what? how?” i stammered and i looked at sirius who was looking bewildered but also a little scared.

“how did i get here seeing as how this place is under the protection of albus Dumbledore?” my father asked. “yes, it was a little tricky, but sorcery doesn’t work the same way as wizardry does it? no i just traced the path the person took last in the floo network and here i am! i figured it was time anyway, it’s been too long, i wanted to make sure you were ok.”

“you didn’t seem to care last year.” i muttered.

my father either didn’t hear this or pretended not to.

“ok but why?” i asked a little viciously and louder. “i was doing just fine without out you.”

“oh i’m sure you were dearie.” he said. “but there’s just a little matter of my secrets. i’m really sorry to ask you this, but; did you talk about my secret vault to anyone?”

of course, of course! that’s why he had come! because he thought i might have given away one of his precious little secrets when i was bartys captive. i stepped outside from behind sirius.

“you know perfectly as well as i do that i haven’t the faintest idea about where your stupid secret vault might me.” i spat.

he looked taken aback. “but dearie, you know where my vault is, ive told you, multiple times.” he looked at sirius for the first time as if just registering that there was another human there. sirius was still holding up the wand in an attack position.

“oh put the wand down.” my father said simply and flicked his finger so that want fell out of sirius’s hand and rolled down the stairs making an irritating patter noise. i want nothing more in the word in that moment than to punch him square in the face but i knew that wouldn’t end well for sirius because he would never hurt me. or at least, i hoped he would never hurt me.

“what are you talking about?” i asked trying to ignore the sound of the wand rolling down the stairs.

“perhaps we should talk-not in fRont of this one.” he regarded sirius like an animal rather than a person which filled me with more rage.

“no, whatever you want to say to me you can-“

“no, i can’t.” my father said through gritted teeth. “this isn’t about who you trust, or whatever: this is serious.”

“so is he.”

“my vault is been looked for!” he said “and i need to know what you’ve said.”

i turned to look at sirius. yes we had been planning to find the vault to steal a weapon, but there’s no way my father could have known that. there was only one possible explanation that could have brought him to me.

“ask me what you want to ask me father.” i said slowly. “or leave me alone.”

he looked at me menacingly. “i don’t want to accuse you or your friends of anything. but, you were the only other person who knows where my vault is.”

i looked at him blankly. “i have no idea where it is. you never told me.” i started to say a little desperately. “and even if i did, i wouldn’t go around telling evil people where your vault of powerful weapons are.! i can’t believe you’re even asking me this.”

my father looked a little taken aback. i had actually never spoken to him like that, but i had a lot of repressed anger towards him and having him confRont me like that when i wanted to do it to him made me ball my fists and want to punch him more than ever. sirius could probably tell that i was about to lunge at rumplestiltskin because he sort of made a gesture like he was about hold out his arm to hold me back.

i noticed it, i looked at his arm which suddenly calmed me down.

“is that all father?” i asked sweetly.

“actually, no. can we talk?” he asked me. looking at sirius.

“i don’t-“ sirius started but my father looked at him in a downright terrifying way.

“one minute.” i said. and i walked downstairs with him.

“there’s a lot i need to say.” he said.

“right; you mean when you were walking away from me when Loki was there or the day i came back from school?” i asked sarcastically.

“i’m sorry about that day, but seeing Loki, it really shook me.” as much as i wanted to know what had happened between him and Loki, especially because of the dream, now wasn’t really the time.

“right.” i said.

“no, i never apologized to you. i spent a lot of time wondering what would have happened if i were, human. i didn’t know it had been ten months, i really didn’t.”

i scoffed. “that’s such a pathetic excuse. especially because for the last three years before that, i wrote to you at least once a month. but of course you didn’t notice because you didn’t open them.” i muttered.

he looked sad. “i did open them.” he said. “i opened every one of them. i never replied to you because i never knew what to say. you always sounded so happy.

much happier then when you were at home.”

i looked away. it was true that i was happier at Hogwarts than i was at his house, but i’d never considered it was because of him. Hogwarts was where all my friends are.

“i don’t- you cant.” i closed my eyes and sighed. “what is it with you keeping belle as a, price of magic?” i asked finally with disgust in my tone.

he tilted his head. “the town needed saving from ogres, it required a steep price. besides, belle is happy, i would never do anything to make her unhappy.” i stared at him. as much as o wanted to believe it, i couldn’t.

“that’s what you said about me.” i whispered. “but you keep leaving. over and over.”

he didn’t say anything so i continued. “i didn’t mean what i said, that i never wanted to see you again. that’s not true, but i just, don’t think that i’ve forgiven you yet. mostly because you haven’t given me the chance to.”

“and i want to.” he said solemnly. “come home with me rose.”

i was taken aback. i didn’t expect that. when he came, he was mad at me for telling barty about his secret vault that i didn’t even know anything about. what about anything that i just said made him think that i wanted to go home with him?

i shook my head staring at him.

“i- what?”

“i’m still your father, and you’ve been stuck here for months, wouldn’t you rather be at home in your own bedroom? with the garden? and me?”

“my room? the garden? that’s your argument?” i said surprised. “i can’t, i don’t want to.”

he sighed. “yes i was afraid of this. but rose. there’s going to come a time when you want to come home, to me, and you might not be able to.”

“what are you talking about?”

he shook his head though. “there’s something that i need to tell you- about Loki.” but just then, a crashing noise came from upstairs and sirius yelled. i ran upstairs to see that sirius had been trying to calm buckbeak who had apparently decided to take his rampage to another level. sirius’s face had a gash through it, but luckily, it didn’t look deep.

“buck beak, down!” i yelled sternly, and he listened. i didn’t know why he listened to me and not sirius, normally he liked sirius more.

“gods are you ok?” i asked sirius pulling him out and locking the door as he cupped his face with his hands.

“i think so, i just need to,- my wand.” his wand that had rolled downstairs was at the bottom of the stairs so i ran downstairs to retrieve it.

my father had gone. of course he had. i sighed and ran back upstairs.

“what the hell were you thinking?” i demanded. “you know that we leave buck beak alone when he’s having a meltdown.”

“yeah?maybe i was just trying to calm him down.” he said quietly.

i watched him fix his face just like he’d fixed my hand. there wasn’t even a scar left but he didn’t get rid of the blood that had dripped onto his shirt. i wondered if he just forgot, or if he figured it was easier to just change.

“are you ok?” i whispered asking less about the cut and more about his sudden need to go into the room with the rampaging hippogriff.

he nodded. “what did your father want?”

“for me to go home with him.” i whispered. sirius got the same expression that i probably had.

“and-?”

“and i said no, obviously.” i said. “but, he was about to say something about

Loki-“

“the guy you had the dream about?”

i nodded. “there’s something about that guy. i feel like some part of my life is connected to him. i mean the dream, and my dad, he acted super weird the day Loki had come to speak to him. and just now.” i gasped.

“what?”

“his exact words sirius. ‘one day you will want to come home, but you might now be able to.”

sirius squinted. “what the hell does that mean.”

“all magic comes with a price.” i whispered. “belle was a particularly large price.”

“belle? who-“ but i ignored him. a sinking feeling sank in and i knew exactly how Loki fit in with me and my father, and the dread that seemed to settle in with my father whenever Loki was mentioned.

“i think, that i might be a price of magic.” i whispered my voice breaking.

“what?”

“it makes perfect sense, the things that Loki said to me, the things he said to me.” sirius had no idea what i was talking about, but as freaked out as i was, he didn’t try to interrupt me.

“hey,” he whispered but i was freaking out.

“i mean, of course i am.” i trembled. “why wouldn’t i be? my father, his obsession with his magic and his power, the fact that i could even /think/ that he cared about me more than any of that. it was my own fault.”

sirius nodded. and him just being there made me stop to think.

“but if i am just a price of magic, then when why wait this long? what is this game that they’re playing?” i whispered. everything about my life ended with me having absolutely no control. everything was planned out before hand. it wasn’t like i believed in fate or destiny. but i definitely didn’t believe that i was in control of anything anymore.

“nothing is in my control.” i cried. and then i started crying. there was to too much going on. buck beak still freaking out in the room. peter had sent a letter literally last night, Harry was in danger, sirius was freaking out about not being able to do anything, and now my father had just come in to see me, to accuse me of something, half explained something, dropped a bigger bomb that i had just inferred based on what he had said and disappeared. sirius had every right to freak out as much as me but for some reason he was standing really calmly.

then he did something he’d never done before. he pulled me in close to him. i didn’t hug him back, but i knew the purpose of his applying pressure on me was to stop me shaking. i could actually feel my own shaking reflect on him. he was moving a little too but he didn’t let go. after a few minutes, i stopped trembling.

“whatever your dad said.” he said finally. “it’s still your life. you don’t need to be a price for anything. you can decide.”

i hadn’t been hugging him back, and my arms that had been hanging limply at my side lifted up and hugged him back.

when i finally pulled away and wiped my face, i whispered “there’s no point in worrying about that now. i guess.”

that was such an under reaction that even i wasn’t expecting it. even though sirius looked skeptical, he didn’t say anything.

obviously i knew that Loki and my path were intertwined no matter what i did. and we had real problems at that moment. plus i’d met Loki, he wasn’t a bad man, and i didn’t know exactly what had happened between him and my father that would end up as me as the price. maybe i was over reacting about it. it could be just a lot less drastic than i thought.

“ok, then i need to do something. sirius.” i said. “because i need to feel like i have control over something. literally anything.”

“you’re here.” he said. “you could have been at Hogwarts.”

i gave a small laugh. “really? you think i had control over that choice?” he looked at me.

“ok well, i spent two days back at Hogwarts and felt so miserable with the memories and everyone staring at me, that i decided to come back. it wasn’t really a choice i made, but a choice made for me by the universe.” it wasn’t really a solid answer, but it made sense before i tried to explain it.

“well, all decisions are made by the universe technically.” sirius said slowly.

“right.” i said miserably. “but, i could have sucked it up and stayed, but i gave up. i gave up so easily. i let him win again sirius.”

“no you didn’t.” he said confidently. “rose listen to me. you’re here, and he’s not. you didn’t let him win. not now, not ever.”

but it was easy for him to say. he wasn’t in the chest with me. maybe he was right about not letting barty win now, but he had won. for a year consistently actually. even though i tried to be sarcastic and upbeat, he had still won, many times. but i didn’t want to say any of that. no one knew what happened in the chest and i wasn’t about to start letting it all go, especially to sirius. he had enough to worry about without my problems. i was out. and i was with sirius, and nothing else mattered. except that it did. everything else mattered.

over the next few days sirius was more easily irritable, but he never showed it when i was around. i knew though, because i just knew him that well. i couldn’t do anything to make him feel better mostly because i was feeling the same way myself. but also because i knew that the only thing that even sirius could

possibly do right now was go to hogsmeade to ease his uneasiness but he wouldn’t leave me. i considered offering to go with him again, but it was too soon after he’s just watched me have another breakdown so i knew there was no way he was going to accept me going with him. i decided to wait a couple of weeks before offering again, but by the time the couple of weeks came around, remus has spent so much time over that i didn’t even know if sirius still wanted to go. maybe all he needed was his friend there to make him feel better. april came around and it was still cold and dark and windy and rainy which perfectly captures the mood of grimmauld place over the last days. i actually thought maybe the weather just looked like that to me because that’s how i was feeling. sirius hadn’t mentioned the letter again and we didn’t talk about my father or Loki.

at one point, i actually thought he was avoiding me because i reminded him that he couldn’t do out to hogsmeade but then i reminded myself that technically remus was free to do whatever he wanted and it wasn’t like he was jumping at the opportunity to go to Harry’s school to be closer to him.

i didn’t know if sirius told remus about the note from peter, but i figured he hadn’t because there wasn’t much that he could do. plus i had burned the note admitting that voldemort was back which i had lain awake for many nights after thinking about, wondering if a better move would have been to send it into the daily prophet or even the quibbler. then i remembered the other words mentioning sirius and what Harry could do that voldemort didn’t like and i knew that wouldn’t have been possible. worm tail had written it in such a way that even though it admitted his own guilt and that his master was back, we couldn’t do anything with the note because it would spiral into deeper conspiracies with Harry. after the triwizard tournament of last year, i was sure that it was the last thing Harry wanted to be badgered again, having rumors that he was connected to voldemort being circulated again.

i also spent a lot of time thinking about Loki and my father and i came to the conclusion that if my father had promised me to Loki for his power then i wasn’t going to go. i would rather watch my father be drained of his magic than be trapped by another powerful magic being. i’d had enough of that. but what if it hadn’t had anything to do with his power? that was an unlikely scenario though. so unlikely in fact that i had actually laughed out loud when i thought about it. my father? sacrifice something he cares about for someone else? no, that wasn’t in the selfish nature of the dark one. he would even get involved in the whole voldemort fiasco. he kept himself distanced and smartly and conveniently never established himself as part of either side. he could have fixed so much with the amount of power he had- but so could i. i realized with a painful thought that i deserved to lose my magic. i had so much power. so much to help anyone and i wouldn’t have demanded an unrealistic price. i could have fixed so much and instead i spent my life scared of it. but at the same time, i knew that wasn’t fair to myself. i was barely 15 when i lost it, and i had spent my life basically surrounded by darkness. it wasn’t my fault if i didn’t want to let that happen to me too, right? so i shook myself out of that thought too. even though a part of me still felt like i deserved this loss of magic, i still couldn’t blame myself for not spending the 4 years i could control it to not do anything with it. i was a child. i didn’t know good things could’ve been done with power. not until i had gotten to Hogwarts. i was skeptical at first about learning to use magic. i was afraid that it would control me rather than the opposite, but i had learned from my professors that magic wasn’t to be feared, or at least wizardry didn’t have to be feared. i had actually asked my father to help me control my sorcery so i could use it without being scared but that had been a mistake. barely one day in, my father had already turned the magic into a dark lesson, teaching me how to destroy instead of protect and nurture. i had been 12. after that, my resolve to not use sorcery had been even stRonger. the only time i had broken that, was when i tried to attack barty on the first night, but it hadn’t worked. and that’s when i lost all hope. as much as i never used it. i hadn’t realized that it was still a crutch. that same reason was why i felt so out of control now. when i had sorcery and chosen not to use it, well, that was my choice. i still had it. but now. it was ripped from my body and it suddenly didn’t feel like a choice anymore. i had spent ten months spiraling out. i had done things that i probably would never had done. i yelled at umbridge in fRont of everyone, and not just yelled but said the most fowl things. things i promised to never even think about. id stolen ingredients from snape, brewed poly juice potion, snuck sirius out of the house and beat a man i didn’t even know half to death. i was becoming the same uncontrollable evil thing i was afraid i would become if i used sorcery. and that terrified me more than anything because it meant that that was inside of me, and it didn’t even require magic to bring it out.

  
  
  



	24. Chapter 24

i didn’t want to see sirius after i had had that thought. it was disgusting. i wanted to get out of myself, to just float away to somewhere else. so i took the sleeping potion again. but more than what i should’ve taken. i wasn’t sure. but when i did fall asleep, i woke up again, this time not in the thRone room of asgard, but clearly a royals room. i wish i could do justice to the room, but all i could think was that there was a lot of green and black velvet. even the carpet seemed to be made of velvet.

the door opened and i turned figuring that just like last time, the person wouldn’t be able to see me. i was wrong.

a guy walked in, Loki and immediately noticed me.

“rose?” he asked surprised.

“Loki!” i exclaimed angrily.

“what are you doing here?” he asked slowly closing the door.

i didn’t know but i wasn’t about to tell him that.

“i want to know what deal you have with my father.” i demanded. he stopped taking off his armor and looked at me like he was just registering that i was there.

“i’m sorry, i don’t think i can tell you that.” but i wasn’t having it. i stepped closer threateningly.

“listen Loki. i don’t give a single crap that you’re the prince of asgard. if you don’t tell me what the hell you have going on with rumplestiltskin i swear to god, you will end up on the floor and in pain.” i could tell he wasn’t really scared, but he put his hands up.

“look, i would love to tell you, but it might disrupt the series of events.”

i glared at him. “how would it? series of events-? i’m not having this. tell me now. please.”

i think he felt a little bad for me, because he looked at me sadly. “fine, it was a complicated situation, but i- saved your fathers life.” he said.

i gaped. out of all the scenarios i was expecting, Loki saving my fathers life was not one of them.

“you saved his life?” i asked blankly. it wasn’t registering.

“it was a bad situation. he really was in danger and, just so you know, i didn’t ask for you. it wasn’t a situation where i asked for a life for a life. i know what you must think but i’m not that kind of person. also i am a god, so i don’t think you could have physically overpowered me.” he added just so i was clear on that.

i turned around and sat on his bed without thinking. “you didn’t ask for my life in exchange for saving his?” i asked quietly. “then why does my dad act so weird around you?”

“because, well, like i mentioned, i am a god, and your father, he’s a powerful being, and there’s a written rule that when someone like me saves someone like his life, well, it’s like a life for a life situation.”

“well what’s the point of that!” i exclaimed. “i mean, you save his life and what, i die in return? because that’s, ridiculous.”

“wait, die! no. you’re not going to die. it’s more of a, your life belongs to me when you turn 17 thing.”

my eyes widened and i stood up.

“my life belongs to you?!” i lunged at him and this time, he could touch me because he grabbed my arms. that triggered a different reaction so i kneed him in the legs which did not seem to hurt him at all, instead he turned me around and used my own strength against me.

“ugh!” i shouted. trying to break free but for a guy with such an unmuscular, skinny figure, he was so much stRonger than he looked. i realized tears were forming in my eyes. i hated that my frustration was bringing tears to my eyes that he would construe as weakness. i willed them to stop and soon as the tear fell out, onto his hands which were holding me crossed to myself, he let me go and i turned to face him.

“these tears, are not because of sadness.” i said. “i’m very angry and quite frankly pissed off.”

he nodded.

“i do /not/ belong to you!” i emphasized

he nodded again. “i know.” he said quietly. “i would never have used that word.”

“so, what happens if i don’t come with you when i turn 17?” i asked as soon as i felt like the tears had stopped for good. unfortunately, my voice still cracked.

“your fathers life, is technically tethered to yours.” Loki said quietly stepping closer to me but i stepped back.

“so, i don’t come, and he dies?”

Loki nodded softly. “i’m sorry. i didn’t plan for this.”

i shook my head. “how did he even get in so much danger that he almost died?” i asked.

“it was before you were born,” Loki said and that made me feel a little better i guess. “he had a rivalry with a man. i just happened to be down there when he was stabbed with a poison hook. a poison that couldn’t be cured with your magic. or his.”

“and you could cure it?” i asked. “how?”

i didn’t know there were other types of magic.

“it wasn’t cured with magic.” he said. “my mother, she’s good with potions. it was a potion that saved his life.”

“but that means that you didn’t actually save him.” i said because this whole thing was making me a bit dizzy.

“but the potion, it required an ingredient.”

he continued. and i suddenly didn’t want to hear what it was.

“did, you- kill someone else to save my fathers life?” i asked horrified. Loki shook his head.

“but i had to use a part of myself. it’s old magic. complicated magic. my essence is what was saved him.”

“right. of course.” i nodded i couldn’t process it but at least Loki hadn’t murdered anyone for my fathers sake.

“so, now, my life is yours.” i clarified.

“but not for another year.” he said.

i closed my eyes. “i have to ask you something else.”

he nodded and gestured for me to sit down again and he sat down next to me.

“i’ve been here before.” i said feeling oddly calm. at least now that i knew for sure, that this is where i was going to end up, i didn’t have to wonder. of course i was going to crash and crash hard later, but for now, everything felt zen. and i hated it. but there was something else that i wanted to know.

Loki looked surprised.

“yeah, about two months ago. i took this sleeping potion that i hadn’t taken since- my last night at Hogwarts when oddly enough i didn’t see you, but then, i met you at my dads place during the summer.” he nodded both like he remembered and like he was prompting me to go on. i didn’t know why i was explaining this whole thing but it felt important. “the next time i took the potion, i didn’t take as much as i took last night, but i ended up in your thRone room where you couldn’t see or hear me, but i heard you guys talking about an army. an army with a power stone? and a secret weapon that wouldn’t be ready for another year?”

“so what was the question.” Loki asked.

i knew this was going to sound ridiculous but it was a feeling i’d been having, especially since Loki probably thought that i still had my magic. “am i the secret weapon?” my voice changed and i got really unsure.

Loki dropped his head. “perhaps, you shouldn’t worry about that right now.” he said. “i did just drop a lot on you minutes ago, and-“

but he had answered my question. “well, whatever you think i can do, i can’t.” i said dejectedly. i don’t know why i felt bad about letting him down because he was basically going to kidnap me in less than a year.

“i think you can.” he said.

“well the joke is on you because i don’t have magic.” i admitted quietly. “actually, i guess the joke is on me.”

“it’s ok.” Loki said quietly lifting my chin up with his hands. i looked at him in the eyes. his bright green, somehow kind and young eyes pierced mine and i felt

like he was reading my deepest secrets and taking them for himself.

“i’m not your secret weapon.” i whispered. “i’m not, anything. right now.”

i had never lost myself the way i had right then. even after all i’d been through. everything, i had never felt like nothing because that meant that my magic had defined me and i never believed that. but now, Loki was sitting here and burdened me with information that i had demanded, and then told me that he was basically counting on me to save all of asgard, which i definitely could not do. even though i was ignoring my feelings about living with Loki which was frustration anger and pain, there was something about just looking into his eyes that made me feel like nothing mattered.

“i know you have no reason to.” he said softly. “but i need you

to trust me when i tell you that you are absolutely not nothing. how can you even say that? i’ve never met a kinder, more caring person.” i pulled away. he was talking like he knew me. but that was impossible. we’d met once and even though we’d talked for hours that evening, he still had no way of knowing things about me.

“what?” i whispered.

“i just mean, based on what i know about you.” he said quickly.

“have you been- watching me?” i asked standing up. he stood up too. i felt

like we were

maybe having a moment. a moment when i thought that maybe living with him wouldn’t be so bad. but this felt gross,

like a violation of privacy.

“no! i haven’t been watching you.” he said indignantly. “i know about you based on what we talked about in the garden. plus, your father threatened me, a lot. like a lot and told me all about how amazing you are. those words that i said. they came straight from your dad.”

i stared at him. it was uncharacteristic of my father to say the things Loki said he had said, but i believed him. mostly because i needed to believe him. if my father really had said those things about me- without using the word powerful, then he actually did care

about me and that meant more than i could have known before i heard it.

“and i know you don’t believe it, but your magic doesn’t define who you are.” Loki said exactly what i was thinking. “i’m confident that you’re still our secret weapon. whether you have magic or not.” i smiled slightly. that actually made me feel better in an odd way.

“thanks.” i whispered, but i could feel myself disassociating with the scene.

“rose wake up!” a voice was yelling from far away.

“no.” i murmured

“seriously! rose wake up!” the voice sounded more and more frantic.

when i finally came to, sirius was standing over me looking panic stricken. remus was standing there too, holding out his wand.

“what? guys!” i exclaimed jumping up surprisingly fast for having been in such a deep sleep that i had been able to touch Loki.

“you- you wouldn’t wake up!” sirius breathed. he sounded terrified but also like he was relieved.

i stared at them. “how long?-“

“almost a week.” sirius said his voice breaking. “i figured you’d taken the sleeping potion so i left you alone for three days but then- i started to get worried and you still wouldn’t wake up. and for two days i thought you might be dead but you were breathing so-“ he was talking rapidly but remus put a hand on sirius’s chest to calm him down.

“she’s awake. it’s ok.” he whispered into sirius’s ear. “it’s ok.” i watched as sirius breathing’s calmed down at remus’s touch.

“i’m sorry.” i said awkwardly. “i think i must have taken too much-“

“you think!” sirius barked at me. i looked taken aback but it was definitely just from a place of worry and not anger so i let it go. i wanted to tell him whom i’d just talked to but he was still freaking out and remus was there and i didn’t want to talk to remus about it.

“i’m ok.” i said. “i’m sorry.”

“i’m taking this away.” sirius grabbed the bottle. “from now on if you want it, you’re going to have to ask me and i’ll give you an appropriate amount.” i was irritated by that. there he was treating me like an irresponsible child even though he claimed he didn’t think of me as one. did he think i would do that again after seeing how much it freaked him out? but a part of me wanted to see Loki again. i knew i would eventually when i turned 17 anyway. i had to, now that some ancient magic basically had our lives bound together when i became an adult, but still. Loki was, interesting. if i was going to be forced to spend the rest of my life with him, i might as well find out as much as i can so that i would actually like him. but even when we met in the garden and spent time, i did like him. he saved my fathers life after all. and he didn’t know about me since i hadn’t even been born yet. he did it with good intentions.

but now that i was awake and facing the reality of my life right now, i couldn’t think of Loki or even my future. we had a very real problem right now, voldemort. and i didn’t have magic. i was still

counting on it to come back on the one year mark, but by may, i realized that i had to start preparing myself for the possibility that it didn’t come back. despite what Loki had told me, about me being a secret weapon or something, i had to realize that if my magic didn’t come back, that i would be ok. i’d stay with sirius until my 17th birthday in 8 months, and then i guess id have to live with Loki. but he was never clear about that. he said he hadn’t wanted to see my life as “belonging to him.” so what did he see? and what did he expect that i could do that he couldn’t? as far as i could tell, he had magic too. a different form, obviously, but still. he was powerful. plus he was a god. i wasn’t a god. i was barely even a witch at that point.

sirius didn’t bring up going back to hogsmeade and remus stayed for about a week after i woke up. they spent a lot of time whispering and would stop abruptly when i entered the room. before Loki, that would have made me feel left out. sirius was my only correspondence to talk to everyday and before, i wouldn’t have been able to handle him keeping stuff from me, but after the sleeping potion, after sleeping for a week, after talking to Loki, i felt like my whole life was happening around me. like i was just existing, waiting for the next thing to- happen. as much as i wanted to tell sirius what happened. i wasn’t ready.

and then, there was my father, he knew something about this magic that i thought even Loki didn’t. he had said that someday i’d want to see him again even though i couldn’t. i considered the

possibility of going home for a couple of months, just until the end of the school year so sirius could at least go see Harry. but as remus was spending so much time there. i didn’t even get the chance to bring it up. and even if i did go home, would i be happy? i wasn’t even sure if i was happy then. with sirius and remus’s hushed and faltering whispers. from Hermione’s increasingly stressed notes about how he was afraid she was going to fail everything, and about how umbridge had brought in ministry officials to take away hagrid in the middle of the night and how mcgonagall who was the only teacher left they trusted tried to stop hagrid from being attacked and had ended up at st mungos hospital after being hit by five stunning spells at once. that freaked me out a lot. if mcgonagall died, i didn’t know what i would do. she was one of the people whom i’d always seen as invulnerable, her and Dumbledore. i hoped that she was ok, and i wrote back to Hermione telling her that there was no way she was going to fail and that she shouldn’t psych herself out like that. Harry started writing to sirius again too. evidently the anger and resentment he’d been feeling towards sirius after he learned sirius and his father bullied snape had melted away in barely a few days because Harry didn’t go much longer than that without talking to his godfather. i understood that. my life had been pretty terrible too when sirius had gone more than a day without talking to me. even though i tried to convince myself that i’d be ok without it, my anxiety about getting my magic back started. i figured if it didn’t come back by the end of june,. it wasn’t coming back at all and there wasn’t much time between now and then. i tried every single night but it just ended in frustration and sometimes tears when i couldn’t summon anything up. finally, remus left and sirius came up to talk to me. i wasn’t really in a talking mood that morning because i had just tried my magic again but it had refused to work.

“it’ll come back.” he said standing in my doorway as i threw another pillow across the room.

“oh great, so now you’ve decided to talk to me?” i asked irritated. “because you and remus sure have made it a point to stop your little secret whispering the second i walk in.”

sirius walked in uninvited. “we didn’t want to worry you too.” he shrugged

“right, because i’ve been living super stress free so far.”

sirius didn’t say anything.

“what do you want?” i asked him.

“it feels like i’ve been avoiding you.” he said carefully. “but i haven’t been. really. i just-“

“it’s ok.” i said. “really, even if you were avoiding me. id get it.”

“ok, i’m not, but it’s just- you almost died. or at least i thought you almost died. and with all the Harry stuff-“

oh gods. i felt terrible. i hadn’t even considered that sirius was already living in fear of losing his godson.

“sirius i’m so sorry.” i groaned. “i don’t know what i was thinking. drinking so much, i guess i just needed a - break.”

sirius stared at me. “you needed a break.” he repeated.

“no, not from you. just like- from my thoughts. there are too many.” i smiled a little. “it didn’t work though.” i looked down

“what do you mean.?”

“so, remember how i told you the last time i took the potion i ended up in the thRone room in asgard listening to a conversation?” i asked and sirius nodded quickly. “yeah, so this time, i ended up back in asgard, except in Loki’s room, and he could see and hear and touch- me.” i said.

sirius looked worried. “did he talk to you?”

“i asked him, what the deal he had with my father was.” i said slowly.

“and?”

“and, he told me.”

sirius nodded prompting me to explain.

“i was right. sort of. i am the price of magic that Loki used to save my fathers life though. i was wrong when i thought that he had wanted more power. Loki said he was poisoned by a poison not of this world, so the only antidote potion required a part of Loki’s essence which basically tethered a sacrifice between them, and after i was born, it was me, because it was a life for a life thing.” i didn’t think i’d explained it well but it’s not like i understood it any better. “he said it’s really ancient magic.”

“and you’re, ok with this?” sirius asked quietly.

“i don’t- well, i don’t think there’s any point in thinking about it is there?” i asked. “i found out a week ago and i’ve been really calm about it, but that could just be denial. plus Loki was very clear that if i refused to go my father would die and that he couldn’t do anything to stop it because of the. tether. or whatever.”

“so you’re going to give up your life for your fathers?” sirius asked. he didn’t understand.

“i don’t- i’m not going to die!” i scoffed a little. the way i was reacting to this was not healthy. it was like someone had told me that we were going to out to eat and i wasn’t allowed to choose where we were going. “i think i’m just going to help him defeat an army that’s about to attack asgard or something.”

“with what?”

i shrugged. “i tried telling him that i don’t have magic but he wouldn’t listen. he kept insisting that i was the secret weapon.”

sirius didn’t look at me for a while. “on your 17th birthday?” he asked finally.

“yeah, but sirius, it’s ok. really. Loki isnt that bad, and besides, it’s for my fathers

life.”

“your father whom you hate.”

“but he’s still my father.” i whispered. “i dont hate him, but seeing him again, made me realize that no matter how much i want to punch him in the face, i still have sort of a connection with him. i certainly am not going to let him die.”

sirius nodded but it seemed very forced. “i can’t say that i understand or that i’m comfortable with this.” he said plainly.

“but it’s not your decision.” i pointed out.

“yeah, i know. it’s just- think about what you’re doing ok? because you seem like you’ve made this decision in minutes when you’re talking about giving up the rest of your life.” i was silent. somehow we were back to this again. he thought i was dumb, irresponsible, nothing but a child. no matter how much sirius meant to me, no matter how much i meant to sirius even, he wouldn’t see me as any more than a child, someone who broke down constantly and who needed protection against even myself. tears formed in my eyes. the first thing i was going to do if i got my magic back was get rid of the ability to cry in inappropriate situations. i thought.

“you should go.” i said as he was walking out.

“what?” he turned around.

“go, to hogsmeade. be with Harry. you’ve been wanting to for months since the letter. and now i won’t be here holding you back.”

“where are you going then?” sirius asked as if to humor me.

“to see my father.” i replied easily. “yeah, i’m going to find the vault he insisted i already knew about.”

“come on rose. can we please not start this argument again?” sirius asked.

“it’s not an argument.” i said. “you should go because i’m going anyway.”

“you know i’m not big on talking, but no ones going anywhere until we talk about this.” he stepped in to the room again but i ignored him.

“you’ve been wanting to see Harry for

months but didn’t want to leave me and i didn’t want to go back to my dads! now i’m willing to go which means you can too. i don’t see the problem!”

“the problem, is that you made this decision so quickly after insisting over and over again that you

don’t want to see your father again.” he said

“well, i didn’t mean that.” i said. “he’s my dad of course i want to see him again.”

“no! if you see him again hes going to manipulate you into wanting to give up your whole life for him!” sirius bellowed and i stopped and stared.

“you think he’s manipulating me now?” i asked quietly crossing my arms.

“ok, just think about it. he came in, yelling at you for giving away the position of his vault after telling you you’ve known it all along. because he wants you to think he trusts you. then he pulled you aside to tell you how much you meant to him, without actually apologizing so he would make you feel bad about leaving him-“ i shook my head

“you are way out of proportion!” i yelled over him but he pulled out his wand.

“fine; then let me show you what happened that night.” he said and placed the wand to his head. i knew what he was doing, i’d seen Dumbledore do it before in his office, but Dumbledore had had a pensive to put the memories in. sirius just sort of cast it in the room and there was another version of me and my father from that night standing there with sirius. my dad was yelling at me about telling barty about the vault even though i knew i didn’t know. the scene faded away because sirius hadn’t come downstairs with us, but the whole thing had made me realize one thing. sirius was right. at least partly.

as the faded figures faded away, i stared at sirius who had his arms crossed as well. “do you see how he’s manipulating you?” he asked.

i looked away. i wasn’t going to admit that he was right. then we’d go right back to him thinking i was a child and made bad decisions.

“this doesn’t change anything.” i whispered finally and sirius threw his hands up.

“you’re willing to sacrifice your entire life for that man?” he yelled

“my father!” i yelled back. “i

may not like him. but that man is my father and he raised me and taught me magic and, you weren’t there sirius!” i yelled. “he saved me when i was a baby.

he isn’t even my real father!” i gasped, and fell silent and so did he. i’d never told anyone that. not that i advertised that rumplestiltskin raised me.

“i was supposed to die ok?” i said

quietly. “he told

me that he found me on the mouth of a river and decided to raise me as his own.”

“do you see how that’s mother

manipulation tactic!” sirius asked desperately. “he told you you were

meant to die but he saved you so you would feel like you owed him.”

but i shook my head “no, he’s never brought that up. the only reason he even told me was because i got a letter to Hogwarts and he didn’t have wizardry so i asked him what that was about.” i had tears in my eyes which were threatening to fall out.

“you’re making a mistake.” sirius growled.

“of course he’s never brought it up. i had a manipulative mother. i know what it’s like. i hated her but i still felt bad leaving, but when i did it was liberating-“

“which is why i’m here with you instead of back home with him.” i interrupted

“but none of that matters. because when you turn 17, when you’re finally free of everything, you’re going to hand your life over to a man whose going to keep you on asgard. guarded like a dangerous weapon.”

i stared at him.

“i-“

“exactly. like. a secret. weapon.” sirius said. “that’s the first thing he said about you isn’t it?”

“sirius you didn’t hear what he said to me in his room that day. he didn’t see me as a secret weapon. he saw me.”

“i see you too.” sirius whispered. “i see you too, and i don’t understand why you’re giving up your life for a man that you don’t even love.”

“when it comes to family, it’s more complicated.” i whispered.

“but it shouldn’t be.” sirius matched my tone. “it shouldn’t be. and Loki,- well he’s an asgardian and a god and you can’t trust them. he will say all the right things and use you but if you’re in danger, do you think he’ll care?” i was silent. he was right.

“he’s already only thinking of you as a secret weapon. what do you think- despite what he says now- what do you think he’s going to do to you if your magic doesn’t come back? do you think he’ll take care of you?”

“sirius-“

“or do you think he’ll perhaps throw you in a cell when you’re no longer of use to him and forget about you?”

sirius looked downright terrifying.

“why are you saying this?” i whimpered

“because, i’ve never been proud of your decision making, and now you’re willing to give it all up for your father a man you claim to hate.”

“you’re right.” i whispered. i did think he was half right, but mostly i just wanted to make him stop. he had never spoken to me in this way before and even though i agreed with him that my decision making skills were incredibly poor, i still didn’t need this right now. i’d confided in sirius about Loki as a friend. not so that he would make me feel terrible about the decision. he hadn’t heard what Loki had said to me. it was more than just about me being a weapon. it was kind, he told me what my father had said almost

like he knew it would make me feel better.

“and i’m sorry to be.” sirius said. “but, you need to consider-“

“i will.” i said quickly. “we have months, why are we even taking about this now?”

“months isn’t that long of a time.” he said sadly. “i’m afraid- it’ll come faster than we think.”

oh my gods. i don’t know why i hadnt realized it before. i knew sirius would never speak to me that way.

i stepped back.

“who the hell are you?” i growled in the most menacing way i possible could.

sirius’s face contorted into a confused look.

“what do you mean? i’m sirius.”

“no,” i stepped back more. “i don’t know who you are, but it’s not sirius.”

suddenly, sirius’s gave extended into a grin.

“fine.” he said a little mockingly. “you got me. i’m not sirius black.”

i grabbed the lamp off the dresser. “who the hell are you?”

“oh put that down dear girl.” he said in sirius’s voice. “you’re just embarrassing yourself.” i straightened up and put it down even though i wasnt sure why. even though i knew that a lamp wouldn’t do much against whatever magical creature this was, it would at least make me feel less vulnerable.

“ok so who are you?” i asked.

“well who do you think i am?” he asked innocently.

i don’t know why i obliged to carry the conversation but the words came tumbling out of me “you spent the last ten minutes convincing me not to go with Loki.” i started. “which obviously means you want my father to die, which means you’re his enemy. and you have magic, probably not wizardry, or maybe more than wizardry. because you did the memory thing.” i gasped. “sirius! where is he?”

i now felt the dread extend because this thing had taken sirius’s memories.

“oh he’s fine dear.” it said.

“where is he!” i demanded feeling everything else, all of my other concerns melting away. i needed to know where sirius was right now and i would attack this thing no matter how powerful it was to get to him.

“wow, you are a fiesty one. aren’t you?” it said. but then sirius’s face sighed and started contorting into its true shape. it was a woman. tall, and beautiful. i think beautiful might have actually been underselling it. i couldn’t make out a single defining feature of her face but i knew i wanted to keep staring at it. i knew immediately she was a siren. and if sirius had seen her then he would have been deeper under her spell than i was because he was a man.

“that’s right dear.” she said, her voice was ethereal. it reverberated around in my head and all i knew was that i wanted her to keep talking. “i am a siren. and you’re father owes me a great debt.” at first i was speechless, just staring at her, then i saw sirius’s face in the back of

my head and how he could be in danger if she had told him to do something that would hurt him.

“yeah!” i yelled. “that’s not my problem lady. i’m already promised to one guy whom he owes.”

“yes. Loki.” she reveled i’m the amusement that my father could possible owe someone like Loki anything. “i know.”

“obviously. since you almost made

me hate sirius for talking to me

like that.” i muttered. “but seriously. Siren, or whatever, i can’t be the one to pay all of my fathers debts ok? seriously. i

already suffered last year-“ my voice faltered. i had suffered last year and it had been because of him, hadn’t it. this siren in the form of sirius was right. i wasn’t going to go with Loki.

my father was done manipulating my life.

i would finally live freely. and as soon as i got my magic back, which i would, i would go find wormtail and clear sirius’s name so he could walk outside without any fear. or maybe it was just the confidence of being around a siren that was echoing in my head.

“you don’t need to pay for anything he’s done.” she said.

“wait, what?” i asked. “then why are you here?”

she transformed into another human, this time one i didn’t recognize but at least she was easier to look at.

“i came to convince you not to go with Loki so that he would die.” she said simply.

“yeah, i know i figured this out remember?”

she sighed.

“but i’m afraid it’s more complicated than that.” i looked at her curiously. but she looked away. “there is a race amongst those of us who are most powerful. you see.” she said. “a race to find his vault. he really does have an incredibly powerful weapon. one that he doesn’t have the power to wield. but if he finds a way to wield it, then. i’m afraid we are all in danger.” i didn’t believe a word this lady was saying but i still pretended to listen intently.

“that’s, horrible.” i whispered.

“you wouldn’t happen to know where this vault is? would you?” she asked finally.

“based on what you were saying to me earlier.” i said. “about how my father was

manipulating me into thinking i did when i really didn’t, i think you know i don’t.”

“ok; that sentence was unnecessarily confusing. but. ok.” she sighed. “and rose. what i was saying even as sirius. i meant it. not just so you won’t go with him. but also because, even though i don’t particularly care about you, i do want to let you know woman to woman. asgardians can’t be trusted. and no matter how welcoming Loki seems, in the end he’ll always be a god and you’ll always be a mortal.” i stared at her as she disappeared into thin air. then when the somehow silky soft smell vanished, sirius came tumbling in holding out his wand.

“siren!” he muttered. “had to break free.”

“i know.” i muttered walking over to him and patting his back while he rubbed his eyes.

“i broke free because she was coming for you.” he muttered but his speech was slurred. almost sounded like he was drunk, but he couldn’t be because he said he didn’t drink. i realized it was the after effects of being controlled by a siren. sirius has somehow stumbled to my room, but he was not stRong enough to o even drag himself to his own bedroom after that so i tucked him into my bed smiling. he had broken free of the sirens cont, despite how stRong it had been because he thought i was in danger. i took a pullover from the closet and went downstairs so i could sleep on the couch. i didn’t want to wake him up by choking him again. but that night. all the words that the siren had said came back to me, each one hitting me in the face like a basketball, the one about the wand and how if my father somehow got the power to use it, everyone would be in grave danger, more so than if voldemort go it.and i didn’t sleep at all.

  
  
  



	25. Chapter 25

when sirius finally woke up, i had already made coffee and was waiting for him i’m the kitchen. he came downstairs still running his eyes.

“what happened last night?” he asked groggily.

i handed him the cup of coffee and he sat down in fRont of me.

“what do you remember?” i asked.

“there was a siren. and she told me to stay there so i did. i couldn’t move: i think- she took something from my memory.”

i nodded. “yeah, the night my father was here.”

“so what did she say to you?”

i realized sirius didn’t even know about the dream with Loki. i knew he wouldn’t react like siren sirius had, but i still didn’t know if i should tell him exactly what Loki had said.

“she told me that my father owed her something.” i chose my words carefully.

“and she wanted you to repay it?” sirius sounded angry.

“not exactly, but she mentioned the vault again. and- how she and a few other magical people are trying to get in so they can get the powerful weapon before- my father learns how to use it.” i said.

“so, the vault is real?” sirius sounded surprised.

“well, it’s what the siren said, but honestly, i don’t believe her. she said that he had a weapon that he doesn’t even know how to use. there’s no way he would have something that he couldn’t control. it would cause chaos and my father hates chaos. the man plans out everything. almost.” i couldn’t help but think that losing me to Loki was probably not planned by him. maybe because he didn’t even think he was going to have a kid. technically he did just end up finding me. funny how events work. i wondered if he would have even been the one to find me if he didn’t owe Loki a life.

sirius looked deep in thought. “but, if she’s right. and there really is a weapon that she can’t control.” he said slowly. “do you really think it’s a good idea to leave it there?”

“are you suggesting that we go steal it?” i asked. “because i don’t know where the vault is despite what everyone thinks. and i certainly don’t know what the weapon is. why am i supposed to be the one to fix this!”

sirius gripped his cup.

“i’m not suggesting that you be responsible for your father.” he said slowly. “i’m just saying that, your father really thought that you know where it is, which means maybe you do? maybe it’s something that’s out in the open but what you would never expect.”

i shook my head. “do you really think i haven’t thought of this?” i asked quietly. “i’ve been through every single room in my head and i think i would have noticed if there was a secret entrance, or a bunch of weapons hidden in a room.”

sirius looked like he wanted to argue but he didn’t.

“there’s, something else.” i said looking away. “when i was asleep, i had another dream. but this time it was deeper. i was back in asgard. but this time only Loki was in the room, and he could see and touch me.”

sirius didn’t say anything so i continued. “i don’t know exactly what it is he wants, sirius, but i think it’s big. and i think it connects with the weapon my father and the siren was talking about. it’s just- Loki said that i was his secret weapon, from the first dream. but i don’t have magic. so i don’t know what everyone expects from me.”

sirius was silent for a while.

“i think, that you’re the only person who underestimates yourself.” he said quietly. “after everything that you’ve been through, you feel down and broken, but the iRony of the situation is that you’re not. you’re stRong and brave, and even without magic, you’re powerful. and you’re the only one who can’t see that. i understand that. i do. i don’t feel stRong or brave either. it’s been almost three years and i still have nightmares about the dementors. but, that’s over, and even though it’s not done, we’re out. and we’re stRonger.”

i smiled a watery smile. “thanks sirius.” i whispered and i decided not to mention that we maybe had 8 more months before i was to be whisked off to asgard.

“and even if your magic doesn’t come back.” he said. “it doesn’t make you any less than who you are. and if Loki thinks that you’re the secret weapon even without your magic.- well, i agree with him. there’s so much you can do.”

he looked sad all of a sudden. “there’s so much you can do and you’re here with me. in this depressing old house.”

“sirius. no.” i said firmly. “i’m here because i want to be.”

but sirius shook his head. “no one wants to be here.” he muttered. “and yet here we are.” he got up and cleaned his coffee mug.

i watched him. “sirius. do you believe the vault exists?” i asked.

sirius turned to look at me. “i honestly don’t know.” he whispered.

“do you want to find out?” i asked. not really sure where this was coming from.

i didn’t believe the siren before, but that didn’t stop the words from ringing through my head all night long. if she was right, and if my father really could wreak havoc if he learned how to use the weapon, well, if i had the ability to stop him and i didn’t, then there would be no point in kicking myself in the future. if i had the chance to find it and destroy it, didn’t i owe it to the lack of my magic to try? i had told my self that i had deserved to lose my magic because i didn’t use it to help, but now, it was such a simple opportunity, a simple solution. except nothing about this would be simple. i’d have to sneak sirius into the house and we’d have to find the vault that i didn’t even know existed until days ago. and then find the weapon even though i had no idea what it looked like or could possibly be. and then figure out a way to destroy it even with my lack of magic. that seemed almost impossible. plus there was also the side threat of voldemort, sirius being caught by the ministry of magic, Harry and my other friends being stuck in a school run by a ministry official who didn’t believe voldemort was back and who was running the school like a ruthless dictatorship. plus snape wasn’t teaching Harry how to close his mind anymore which meant that was an existing threat to voldemort and obviously he wouldn’t like that. every part of me just wanted to scream. there was too much. too much danger, but i couldn’t live in fear of danger anymore. i had been so scared of everything for almost a year. i dropped out of Hogwarts, and me in this house, what i was doing was worse than what sirius was doing. at least he had an excuse for hiding. me? i was just avoiding my problems. i was scared and lashing out at everyone and everything. but now, i could do one good thing before i had to leave this place for good. how could i protect the asgard people if i couldn’t even protect the people on the enchanted forest? i knew how powerful my dad could become and i had to try to stop it. that siren had been right about one thing even though she said it in exactly the wrong way. my father hadn’t even actually apologized to me. he just had said that wanted to apologize. and for some reason it was that fact that filled me with fury.

sirius looked at me and smiled. “i really do.” he nodded.

we had to create a plan first. of course i could justify my own presence but sirius, rumplestiltskin had seen him, so he couldn’t look like himself. it would be too obvious that we were looking for the vault. but the answer to that was easy. there was still a plethora of poly juice potion left and he would only have to take it when rumplestiltskin was around, which based on my experience, wasn’t very often. plus we had to get remus to either stop visiting, or tell him the truth. sirius opted to tell remus the truth.

“i’m not lying to him.” sirius said. “one, he’ll see right through me, and two, he deserves to know. he won’t say anything. we’ve done a lot like this when we were younger.”

i rolled my eyes with a smile. “all right, but what about, the order?” i asked skeptically even though i knew that in the last year none of the order members had shown up except during a sanctioned meeting.

“i don’t think thats a problem.” sirius said. “but we can ask remus to be here anyway in order to take care of anyone who might need something.” i nodded

“ok, now we just need to make a map of the house so we can check off every too we’ve checked.” i said

“are you sure this is going to work?” sirius asked. “because the reason we didn’t do this months ago was because we had no idea-“

“if the vault even existed.” i interrupted. “but now, my father admitted that he did. and although i don’t know where it is, he seems to think i do, which means it must be in our house somewhere. and i think we can find it.” i finished optimistically. even though sirius looked unsure, he didn’t say anything. reading the expression on his face i said. “i know, it’s difficult. i know it may be impossible, but before, i didn’t know that this weapon, if he learns how to control it, could destroy everyone. knowing how power hungry he is. i can’t

leave this alone with a good conscience. but sirius, you don’t have to come with me. you could go to hogsmeade right now. be with Harry, especially now that mcgonagall and hagrid aren’t there, and i won’t be here.”

but sirius shook his head. “we will go to hogsmeade.” he said. “after, the weapon is gone.”

“after the weapon is gone.” i repeated. it was so simple to say, but it was going to be so much harder. i got into the floo network first and said the address of my fathers house. “number 1 Gold Place.” i said clearly so sirius would know the address too. it was quite on the nose but my father wasn’t really one for discrepancy.

sirius turned up a minute after me, but there was no one else in the house. not even belle. it was uncharacteristically quiet.

“sirius, i don’t think you need to take the potion.” i said looking around. he stepped out and dusted himself off and i pulled him to his feet.

“has it ever been this silent?” he asked

i shook my head. “somethings wrong.” i sensed. but that did not stop me from walking into the house quickly. sirius ran after me.

“wait, ro-“

but i ignored him.

“come on.” i gestured. walking into the first room.

“what do you want to try?” he asked.

“maybe, revelio?” i asked. “think about a vault.” and sirius did, but nothing appeared. i hadn’t expected it too. “hold on.” i said leaving him in the room to go to our library. i couldn’t help but notice that belle was nowhere to be seen, but neither was my father so maybe he had taken her with him. i wouldn’t want to be alone either if i were in his position. his own daughter didn’t want to see him. i chose a book that had the title “spell book.” even though it was too obvious.

i ran with the book to sirius and opened it.

“what is that?” he asked.

“spell book.” i muttered skimming the pages.

sirius looked at the pages over my shoulder. “what about this one?” he asked pointing at a spell that i had missed. i nodded.

“divulgus Vault.” sirius said clearly. but nothing happened.

“was this a mistake?” i asked after i found a fourth spell that did relatively the same thing in the third room. “even if the vault does exist in this house,’what if these spells don’t even work?”

“you’re giving up already?” sirius asked.

“no, not giving up. but-“ i thought hard. my father had said i knew where the vault was. which means it probably wasn’t exactly hidden. or maybe it was, but i knew how to reveal it. and if that was true then, these spells weren’t going to work. “why would he make it so easy to find?” i muttered looking around. sirius stares

“um, we haven’t found it yet.”

“right, but we’re trying spells. anyone can try spells. if it does exist. he would make it easy to find.” i pulled sirius downstairs. i knew one place where i could think.

“the garden.” i muttered. i wasn’t sure if the vault was in the garden, or maybe the vault was the garden. but it only responded to me, and maybe my father. but i had

more of a connection with it than he did. how had i never put it together before? i mean, apart from the fact that i only found out about its existence a few days ago, i should have seen it. but what could the weapon be?

“what did you figure out?” sirius asked but he kept following me.

“the garden.” i said without an explanation.

“the vault is in the garden?” sirius asked, and we had reached the gates that hid the entrance.

“try to open the fence.” i told sirius and i watched curiously to see what would happen. i actually didn’t know because no one had tried. even my babysitters, they would follow after me, i didn’t think anyone had even attempted to open it.

sirius tried to pull it open, but there was a magnetic field that prevented him from even putting his hand on the handle. then he tried using his wand to unlock the door, but the barrier pushed him back when he tried to use magic.

i ran back to him and helped him after he had been blasted back.

“i’m sorry.” i said sheepishly. “are you ok?”

he nodded rubbing his head.

“so it doesn’t open for me.”

“i think, the garden might be the vault.” i said. but as many times as i had been in there- i had never seen any weapons. nothing that could even be mistaken for something powerful or dangerous.

when sirius has stood up and regained his balance, i pulled him into the garden. this time, as i had tried to open it, it let us both in. i willed the garden to show me anything that might have been hidden in it. it should have worked, because i had hidden in there many times. but nothing showed up.

the plants did seem to grow taller around me but i didn’t notice it at first until sirius winced.

“ow.” he said pulling a thorn out of his finger. i turned to him. i hadn’t noticed it because the flowers had never hurt me before. the rose thorns.

“rose.” sirius’s voice was uneven. he seemed to have figured it out

seconds before i had.

“no.” i said looking around. “roses. but. no.”

“i think you are reading into this.” he said backing up a little.

“no.” but all the pieces fit together. every single little discrepancy seemed to be filled in with this single detail.

“i’m sorry you had to figure it out like this.” a voice came from in fRont of me. i didn’t even see him until i willed the plants to move out of the way clearing a path to my father.

“rose.” sirius warned but he also seemed unwilling to get between us.

“how is that possible?” i asked rumplestiltskin in a whisper. “how could you keep this from me for so long?”

rumplestiltskin didn’t say anything at first.

“I need you to explain.” i growled. “right now.”

rumplestiltskin looked sad. “when i found you, at the mouth of a river.” he whispered finally.”you weren’t alone. it was like, you had been lifted out of the river by a wave. and you were accompanied by a small woman. i never asked her her name, but she was your mother. she had raised you for about a year, but when i found you two, she was in bad shape. she grabbed at me desperately and told me that she couldn’t take care of you anymore, that your power, even at a year old, was too much. and that she wasn’t expecting this. i didn’t know what to think, but at the time, i had just become the dark one and i had just lost my son, and when she said the word power, i was intrigued. i told her that i could take you. and that i would raise you as my own child. and that i would help you hone your magical abilities. but by the time you were 5 or 6, you were more powerful than i had ever expected. i- i lost control. as much as i wanted power, as much as i wanted to use you. i didn’t know how to help you control your power. but you turned out nothing like me. i wanted us to be a team, so i let you see the darkest parts of my life.

but you didn’t take it like i hoped. you- refused to use your magic after that. no matter how much i tried to convince you to. and when you got a letter to Hogwarts. i couldn’t believe it, but i realized your mother or your father had probably been a wizard. i had heard about how dark wizardry could get so i sent you happily, hoping you’d be a slytherin, but you came home a griffyndor. and then, you were good. for three years. i watched you closely, but nothing. and last year. when you disappeared, I- i did notice you disappeared. but i hoped that, barty would break you. and you’d come home

to me, and ask me to teach you how to protect yourself and id finally be able to teach you, my magic. but instead, you hated me. and i couldn’t live with myself for leaving you. so that’s why i accepted it when you went to live with sirius. you’re nothing like me rose. but you were my secret weapon. you’ve always been. you’re magical abilities, the go beyond anything that i’ve ever seen in my entire lifetime. i planted this garden. as a vault, to protect you, so that way, when one of my enemies came looking for a way back at me, i knew you would be safe here. because only you and i could get in.”

he stopped talking.

my ears had a buzzing sound. “you, tried to make me evil?” was all i could manage to croak out. as much as i wanted to react more, i felt frozen in this spot. this was the second time. i had been referred to as a weapon. my every fear was coming true. i forgot that sirius was even there because he hadn’t said anything either.

“i- evil is such a subjective term.” rumplestiltskin said. “but it didn’t work, did it. no, you’re good. you turned out perfectly fine. despite me.”

“so, you really left me in the chest. because you thought that would make me want to hurt people?” i was about to throw up. i could feel every cell in my body tingling. it had been almost a year, maybe my magic was coming back. that would have either been perfect, or maybe it would have been the opposite because i would have killed him right on the spot. he would have loved that. with that one act,

i would turn into exactly what he wanted me too. that thought actually made me laugh a little.

“please. rose i’m sorry.” he said the word for the first time but it was absolutely pointless.

“sorry.” i said looking around. “for trying to turn me into a monster, or failing?” i got awfully quiet. “because that’s what you are. a monster. and you who the only person is that i would call that word? barty. but at least he was very clear with what he was doing to me.”

rumplestiltskin looked like he wanted to say something else.

“i’m not giving up my life for you.” i said. “i was actually going to. go with Loki, i mean, so that you could stay alive. but you don’t deserve that.”

“rose; that’s not- i don’t know what Loki told you,-“ but i was done listening to him. i turned to see sirius not there, so i willed the garden to find him. a second layer he was standing in fRont of me panting.

“i lost you-“ he gasped. “this garden.” but i grabbed him harshly and dragged him out of the garden hoping that it would respond to me in making sure that rumplestiltskin couldn’t follow me.

i got into the fireplace and said “number 12 grimmauld place” clearly. and ended up in the save fireplace i had stepped into to find the vault. but that had felt

like years ago. i couldn’t breathe. everything was just sinking in. i wanted to scream but i couldn’t reach into my throat for the air or the energy required to do it. sirius stepped out after me.

“what did he say?” he asked quietly. but i shook my head.

“i can’t sirius. not now.”

sirius nodded seriously.

“whenever you’re ready then.” he said quietly.

just then, the door flew open and remus came butting in.

“it’s Harry!” he breathed. sirius and i turned violently. i was still trying to catch my breathe from the panic attack i was having.

“what?” sirius asked holding remus.

“severus sent a a letter. they went to the ministry of magic. to, find you. i think.” he said looking at sirius.

“ok then we’re going.” i said cutting in.

“what?”

“we don’t have time to argue! sirius!” i yelled. “Harry’s at the ministry. we’re going.” sirius’s concern for Harry was greater than his need to argue with me. he stared at for a few seconds before nodding. “fine.”

he didn’t try to stop me, and i held on to remus and sirius as they apparated to the ministry. just in time. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna and Ginny were there surrounded by death eaters. i could feel the tingling from when i was talking to my father continue and i could feel that it was my magic coming back.

sirius attacked lucius malfoy, it happened so quickly. remus was battling another death eater.

“come on.” i muttered using my hands to try to will the sorcery to come back so i could help.

“that might work, or it might not.” a familiar voice came from behind me. it was Loki. he grabbed me and pulled me to a corner. it was Loki, but he looked a little older, sadder and much more empty. his eyes didn’t have the same ability to search me as it did before and i wondered what the hell had happened to him. i didn’t know how it worked, but i didn’t think for a second that this was the Loki i had talked to. it was a future version. one who knew me already. i wanted to know what had happened but before i could say anything, he held out a necklace with six stones, each one different colors. i could tell he was carefully trying not touch the actual stems, just the necklace part.

“what is this?” i asked looking down. mad that he would interrupt me for a piece of jewelry.

“you don’t know me yet.” he whispered. “but you have to trust me.”

“i do know you.” i said a little lightly.

but he shook his head. “you’ve met me, i know, but you don’t know me, not yet. listen, i’m here because you don’t have your magic back yet.” i stared at him and back down at the necklace.

“you could get it back now or it could take hours, or you could not get it back at all.” he said.

i shook my head. “it’s coming back i can feel it.”

“are you sure that’s your magic and not just anxiety?” he asked. “after you just found out the type of man your father really is.”

“he’s not my father.” i whispered and Loki chuckled.

“oh if i had a a dollar for everytime i said that.” he said. “but no matter how much you deny it, that man raised you. believe me. i understand more than anyone. but he is your father. and i can help you get your magic back right now.”

i looked around at the fighting happening around me. Neville had fallen, Ron looked like he was laughing, Luna and Ginny were nowhere to be seen, and even though some order members had showed up, the death eaters obviously out numbered us. if i did get my magic back at that exact moment, i could stop it all. we would win.

“fine.” i looked at Loki. “what do you need me to do.”

Loki smiled a little. “touch this.” he held out the necklace.

“seriously?”

“please, just trust me. touch the purple stone.”

“the power stone?” i guesses and he looked surprised.

“how did you know.”

“i didn’t, but i am very smart.” i said but i wasn’t paying attention to the conversation. the power stone, the plus was right in the name. but what if, i lost control? now wasn’t really the time to worry about that. i closed my eyes. there really was no question as to what i had to do, the answer was right there and it was so easy. i grabbed the power stone.

the next few seconds of my life were the worst. like, ever cell of my body was being ripped apart and being rearranged. i could feel the power surging through me, more than i ever had in my entire life. every moment of

my life flashed before my eyes. as a child, hiding from my father who had wanted nothing more than to reach me sorcery, from my Hogwarts letter from the first day at Hogwarts when i’d met Hermione and we’d become best friends. she had then become friends with Harry and Ron, so i had too. and then, my second year, when i came home and asked my father again to teach me sorcery again which had ended badly because he had immediately started with dark magic. but now i knew why. and even though i didn’t want to feel anger in the moment i was getting my magic back, it got mixed in with everything else. the happiness, the sadness, the pain, and unfortunately anger too.

as soon as it stopped i looked around to see the Loki had disappeared.

i didn’t worry about that though. i would meet him again in due time. right now, i had a fight to win for the order.

every single death eater that got in my way, i blasted to the side. i wasn’t sure if i had killed them or not but the didn’t stir after they had hit the wall. i could finally breathe again. i never wanted the feeing to end. i just needed to live in that moment. i had my magic back. and apparently i was more powerful that even the dark one had dreamed. i let that small fact carry me. even besides the pain and anger i felt, the one thing that allowed me to not lose control was knowing i had failed to become the dark witch he had wanted me to become. i had side stepped every thing he did and ended up in gryffindor. and then, after i had been tortured by barty, i hadn’t lost control. i had simply turned to n alternate method of coping. everything i thought i knew was wrong. but that also meant that i was wrong about losing control. i was in control of my actions. no matter how my am father had tried to manipulate me, i hadn’t fallen for it. i was in control. i am in control.

but just when i thought we had won. there was a scream.

“Harry.” i whisper and turn around.

“sirius!” he screams but it’s all happening in slow motion. i can’t think. sirius? why is he screaming for sirius. but then o notice sirius’s silhouette falling through something. a doorway.

something i hadn’t even noticed was there. if i had noticed it, i could have stopped it, but i was to busy being in control.

something filled up inside me. it is more than rage, more than anger. it’s unquenchable. i look around for who sent sirius through the doorway, and there’s a woman with thick black hair laughing and taunting “i killed sirius black!” i see Harry rum after her but i search the gateway for sirius.

“sirius.” i whisper but i have no idea if he can hear me.

“rose.” his voice is pained. “they’re letting me though, please let me go.”

“no, sirius.” i hear myself cry. “please, come back.”

and sirius looks devastated. “i can’t-“ his words are slurred and he sounds like he’s in so much pain.

“please, rose. let me go. i need to go.” my grip on him tightens but i realize he’s right. he needs to go. he would hate staying here as a ghost.

“i’m sorry.” i whisper inaudibly and my grip on him slackens.

i could almost feel as he disappears completely, but it was almost like a slight echo picked up by the wind that was left behind with his departure. “i love you.”

i was unaware of my surrounding. all i could feel was wind rushing through my face making a whistling sound in my ears. i finally found Harry and the woman who killed sirius. i recognized her as a woman on his wall. bellatrix lestrange. just by looking at her, i found that i knew everything about her. it was she, along with barty who had tortured Nevilles parents into insanity. i could see she had fallen to the floor.

“you’re not fit to use an unforgivable curse.” she laughed at Harry who had his wand still pointed at her, his hand was shaking.

i realized he had used the cruciatus curse on her, and even though it had hurt, it was no where close to the pain she deserved. without a word, i summoned Neville there. he deserved to see this too.

i held out my arm. all of

my senses were multiplied a hundred fold. i used my fist and imagined her insides being ripped apart slowly, just like how i had felt when sirius fell through the doorway. she screamed loud, but i didn’t stop i couldn’t. it was terrible

the sound. but it was feeding me. the more she screamed, the more

i wanted her to scream. the more she screamed. the more i knew she could feel my pain.

and that’s exactly what i wanted because i felt like my insides were being torn apart too.

“stop.” a voice came from behind me but i couldn’t register it. there was nothing around except me, and bellatrix and her screaming. the scream that i never wanted to stop.

“stop!” the same voice yelled again,

only this time clearer. and a hand gripped my arm and forced it down. the screaming

stopped but she was still writhing on the floor. trying to catch her breathe.

“stop.” Harry repeated in a whisper.

i registered him. and Neville who was standing entranced. i turned around to notice Dumbledore was there too. Dumbledore was there keeping

voldemort away from attacking me for hurting bellatrix. but i wanted him to.

i wanted nothing more than for voldemort to attack me at that moment. because if he attacked me, i would have one

more person to fight. one more person to let my anger and hatred out on.

and voldemort did look at me with his cold eyes.

i watched Dumbledore as he made eye contact with me, and for a second both of them were distracted. i saw my opportunity and stepped in to battle voldemort. it was very closely matched.

either i had underestimated my own power or over estimated him because he ended up on the floor.

“rose!” i think it was Dumbledore who yelled but i couldn’t be sure. he was telling me to stop and for a scary moment, i couldn’t, but then. i saw sirius’s dave. the same way i had the night with the siren when i realized he might have been in danger. sirius has always believed in me. he wouldn’t have wanted me to lose control. not like this. i’d come so far, loved through everything my father had thrown l at me, i couldn’t lose myself right now. i was shaking, but i managed to stop. when my vision cleared, voldemort was running to a fireplace, but it was too late. the monster of magic had already seen him.

it was over. just like that it was over. Harry was shaking almost as badly as i was, and later, when i saw remus. he was too. i still hadn’t tuned into what was happening. but one by one everyone disappeared around me. i just stood there next to Harry. Dumbledore, who was just speaking to fudge came up to both of us.

“go, wait in my office.” he whispered to me.

and i don’t know how i got there but somehow that’s where i ended up. right after Harry. i couldn’t process any of it. too much had happened in the last couple of hours and the only person i wanted to talk to was- sirius. but i couldn’t talk to sirius. i could never talk to sirius again. it was over. i sank into a chair in Dumbledores office without even registering that fawkes had perched himself onto my arm and and was crying on my face. one of the tears rolled into my eyes and my vision cleared up completely. i was completely aware of where i was, that was great but that also meant that i was completely aware that sirius was dead.

“Harry.” i whispered but he didn’t seem to have heard me.

“Harry.” i said loudly. but he ignored me.

“i called you!” he said finally.

“what?” i asked quietly.

“once i saw voldemort bad sirius, i broke into umbridges office again, to make sure you were actually at home. but kreacher was the only one there and he refused to tell me. i thought it was real.” he whispered. he was crying.

i was

silent. i had no idea what to say. if it was true that Harry had called, we wouldn’t have known because i chose that moment to go to my fathers. which meant it was my fault. my fault. the words echoed in my head over and over again and lump formed in my throat. i couldn’t

swallow.

“i’m sorry. Harry.” i said. “i’m so so sorry.” he quieted down. Dumbledore came into the office looking a little irritated. but Harry didn’t seem to care.

he started throwing things. i expected

Dumbledore to stop him, but he didn’t. he just let Harry continue to throw things. i just stared at him from behind. sirius has thrown things once. we’d thrown plates together. that memory made me sink deeper into the chair. i couldn’t breathe again. sirius was my best friend. what the hell was i going to do without him? that was so selfish. but i deserved to be selfish. i had went searching for a weapon to save everyone here which had ended in is not getting Harry’s call, which ended with us at the ministry. more than that. i was the most powerful one. i should have been paying more attention. i had let

him die. it was my fault. my fault. when Harry finally calmed down. Dumbledore started explaining something to him, about why voldemort could see into his head. about how Harry, when his parents had been murdered, had had a piece of voldemort cast into him, and that sounded eerily similar to my situation. but it wasn’t the same. i didn’t really about any of it. so Harry and voldemort had a connection.

one thing i did understand though was what sirius has said about childish behavior. Harry and i were basically the same age and his recklessness had cost sirius his life. it was a childish thing to do. and even though it had pissed me off when sirius has called me a child. i knew he was right then, and i knew he was right, now. but he would never say it to me again. he would never hold when i was trembling or help me when i had a panic attack. i would never wake up to another one of his breakfasts ever again. i would never experience him knowing exactly the right thing to say and when to say it, or him knowing exactly what i felt before i even had to explain. everything that had happened with my father, i hadn’t even gotten the chance to process yet. i was really counting on sirius to help me, but he couldn’t. Why hadn’t i stopped him from going to the ministry? but even as that thought crossed my mind, i knew i wouldn’t have been able to. the second remus had

said Harry’s name, nothing else would have mattered to sirius anymore. he would have gone no matter what and he would have resented me if i had tried to stop him. i replayed the moment in my head over and over again, not the when we decided to the

ministry. the moment when i turned my back on sirius, and had let bellatrixs spell hit him. i should have watched him, taken care of him. he had taken care of me so much and i couldn’t even do this simple thing.

i put my head in my hands and let out a painful whimper when there was a silence between them. they both turned to look at me but there was fear and uncomfortableness in their eyes.

“i got my magic back.” i laughed a little. “i did, but it doesn’t matter because i could save him.”

“it wasn’t your fault.” Dumbledore said quietly. “like i told Harry, sirius, he was a man who had a lot of life in him. i shouldn’t have expected him to be able to be cooped up in that house.”

i stared. “i was with him.” i said. “he spent the whole year taking care of me, and when it actually mattered. the one minute. i wasn’t there. my back was turned as i was fighting off another death eater.”

Harry was quiet. “it wasn’t your fault.” he said. at least it was more

meaningful coming from him that Dumbledore. i was afraid he blamed me too because we didn’t answer his call. i didn’t want to tell them about my adventure to my fathers house. i didn’t want to tell them what i had found out

about him. but i didn’t care about that anymore. i hadn’t turned evil, not in the way my father wanted me to, so why did it

matter what he had done. i wasn’t going to give up my life for him. not anymore. i had my magic back. i could do anything. i thought about the six stones on the necklace and how i had absorbed all of their power. if there was one thing i was good at, it was circumventing people’s expectations of me. as i was sitting in Dumbledores office watching him to talk to Harry,

listening to Harry say he didn’t blame me, the answer was so simple. so elegant. it was like a small scroll had been dropped into my lap with detailed instructions of what i had to do next. because suddenly, my near future path was so

clear. now that i didn’t have my fathers

life burdening me, weighing me down. i could do whatever i wanted to. i wipes my tears and Dumbledore noticed. Harry walked out of his office and i made to too, but Dumbledore stopped me.

“i don’t know what you’re thinking. exactly” Dumbledore said slowly. “but i do have a pretty good idea. and i need to tell you that it’s a bad one. or

more accurately, a dangerous one.”

i stared at him. there’s no way he could have known about my idea to travel into the

past with my newfound power and stop sirius from not only dying, but from ending up in azkaban. and to stop lily and james from dying.

the answer was simple. if i just killed peter pettigrew none of this would happen. but as i had that thought while looking into Dumbledores eyes through his half moon spectacles, i knew sirius would want that. he wanted me to be better. not to go back in time to murder one of his friends.

“i won’t kill him.” i whispered.

“but i’m saying you shouldn’t go at all.” Dumbledore said, but he sounded resigned like he knew he couldn’t really stop me.

“please professor.” i said. “he was a good

man. and even if i can’t save him now. at least i’d get more time with him.”

“that’s a little selfish. don’t you think?” Dumbledore asked.

“i deserve to be selfish.” i whispered.

Dumbledore nodded slightly. “did you, talk to him?” he asked and i squinted inquisitively. “after he fell through the gate.” Dumbledore clarified.

i hadn’t remembered it until that second because i was disassociating so hard, but now that i thought about it, i had. “he asked me to let him go.” i said softly.

“oh gods, he asked me to let him go. he sounded like he was in pain, and he wanted me to-“ i stopped and started crying again. full on crying. the last time i had done that, sirius, had. held me.

“did he say anything else?” Dumbledore asked softly. and through my years i looked up at him.

sirius had said something else, but it could have meant a lot

of things. how could

Dumbledore have possibly known. i didn’t want to tell him. sirius had never said to me before

i wasn’t even sure if it was him. no, that wasn’t true. i was sure. it was him. he had said three words to me and i knew he was serious because one doesn’t just say that. i had never known. i hadn’t.

“it wasn’t hard to tell.” Dumbledore said and i wanted him to shut up. he thought he knew us but he didn’t. he didn’t understand our relationship.

“it was more.” i whispered. “it wasn’t romantic love. you think that’s all there is when a person says i love you, but sirius,

he didn’t love me like that. but we did love each other. he was my best friend,

only, he was there for

me, understood me in a way Hermione didn’t. it was more than romantic love.” i repeated.

Dumbledore nodded. “i know.” he whispered “ i understand. you would do anything to see him again.”

“then why would you try to stop me?” i whispered.

“i won’t.” he said. “but if you do go back. then. this path, it won’t exist anymore. which means whatever you do will matter more than ever.”

i nodded trying to process it. “harry and

ron and hermione.” i whispered. “i’ll never see them again?”

“even if you do, it’s entirely possible they won’t know who you are.” dumbledore said. but as i sat there in his couch thinking.

i knew that that was a small price to pay.

i really wanted to see sirius again. and this time he would be my age, so i would be able to have fun with him.

a voice resurfaced from so long ago.

“you couldn’t really run away though.” it said “not when your friends are in danger.” it was belle, from the conversation we’d had a year ago even though it was from another lifetime.’(Document 4 for going back to the past, document 5 for continuing down this path. Warning that document 4 is incomplete because I lost the emotional connection to the story line.)

(document 5 for this ending)

but i knew that the voice in my head was right. besides, asgard technically still needed my help. and what had my father said, about now knowing what exactly loki said? i knew for a fact, loki said i didn’t have a choice because it would affect my friends, and as much as i didn’t care about my father, i couldn’t let anything happen to my friends. this place had harry to protect it. this is what fate said had to happen, but who would protect asgard? and what about future loki? there were too many questions that needed answers and too many friends who needed me. now was not the time for me to be selfish.

all i wanted to do was collapse into a ball and die, but i couldn’t. first i had to talk to my friends. and then, i had to figure out what i was going to do next. this path would play out but it wasn’t up to me to interfere with it.

  
  
  



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